Break-up take 2

[Scarlet Runner]

So, after a week of intense anxiety, I finally got up the courage to try again at initiating this break-up. (Re-cap - my first attempt last week resulted in me allowing myself to be kept on the phone for 10 hours while uPDbf did 95% of the talking, and resulted in no break-up.)

I evaded his calls most of the week and took the time to talk to therapist, look at old journals, reread my pro-con list, write a script, write myself a list of encouraging words to look at if I got weak, and overall get up the nerve to try again. I finally got the nerve to call him on Friday. I told him I don't want to be in the relationship any more and that I am done. It was so hard for me to say it - I have been silenced so much over the years, and so afraid of being the cause for his negative emotions.

He heard me and acknowledged that he heard me. And then the joyous hoovering began. "I was so excited to call you this week. I really heard you last week when you said you didn't trust me." [In reality me saying that last weekend extended the conversation another hour plus so that he could share all the reasons why he was trustworthy and I wasn't]. And, "I know you've been saying it for years, but now I've really heard you because last week was the first time you said it calmly. I know you don't feel like I listen to you and now I know that you have valid things I need to hear and respond to with loving kindness." And, "The past two years have been so hard on us because [major legitimate life struggles] and I haven't been available to give you what you need. But now things are getting better and it is our chance to be happy."

In an effort to end this relationship in a kind and compassionate way I allowed more conversations over the weekend to give him a chance to say what he might want to. I started each conversation with "I just want to be clear, I am still done." More hoovering. More him talking 95% of the time. Anytime I talked, it resulted in another extended diversion. This is why I have learned to just shut up.

He also started rescripting parts of our past as well. Is this normal? He's always accused me of rewriting the past and remembering things wrong, but this time I am clear. He exaggerated past "good" times we had (I looked back at old journals and texts, and there were meltdowns and blow-ups even then.) When I mentioned that I had looked at journals from that time and that those times were were in fact not wholly good, and in fact had some pretty bad elements, he came up with this elaborate explanation for why my journal entries might have "seemed" more negative than it actually was.

Oh, and apologies and explanations. Which I won't even get into (I still haven't shared the final trigger for me to really face all this, but there was an explanation and apology for that.)

He's being nice. He's being charming. Texts every morning "Good morning." Smiley and heart emoticons. He's being hopeful for better times. He's acting happy. This after 2-3 years of him being so overwhelmed by his life and wrought with stress, depression and anxiety that he couldn't respond to a text from me within 24 hours. Couldn't initiate plans for the weekend ever. Couldn't find time to ask about my life, but had time to talk about his for hours. We couldn't spend more than a few hours together without him bemoaning something negative I had done to him in the past.

I am just done... but still trying to be end in an upright way. But, my therapist says I will have to go no contact for both our good. I am dreading initiating that, b/c I know it will throw him back into a really bad place. Dreading finding the words for how to do that. And, I guess dreading doing it for some crazy reason. My therapist thinks it's necessary given the patterns from previous break-ups between us that did not last: one time he e-mailed me for 5 months when I was 100% no contact. I regret caving - wish I had understood hoovering then. Another time when I didn't go no contact, he persisted for a year asking me to concerts and events, "I don't understand why we can't just go and have a good time together. It's so much better than being miserable." That time, when I suggested to him that when people break up they don't go on dates and eventually date other people he said it was the "cruelest thing you ever could say".

It's so hard to find a voice when I have let myself be voiceless for so long. I want to do the right thing. I'm so grateful for my therapist and this group.

[notrightinthehead]

My NPDh does the monologue thing. When he is in a room, nobody else gets a word in. It is a question of control. That way attention remains on him and others become background.

In your case, your bf tells you what you are thinking and feeling. He even knows what is good for you spiritually better than you do.  That way he anihilates you and many people would call that abuse. If you want to check if he really has changed, you could use the stop watch function on your mobile to check how many minutes you talk and how many he talks. My NPDh said, when I pointed this out, that this was my fault because I talked so little...
Since you believe that he is such a good person, maybe you could reduce communication to written words first and force yourself to read them once a week only. And reply using medium chill and grey rock.

Work out your own truth and stick to it, no matter what he says. You can get out of that! Don't be discouraged that previous attempts at ending the relationship have failed. With such a master of manipulation it might take you several more attempts but in the end you will get out if you are determined.

[Scarlet Runner]

Notrightinthehead - thanks for your suggestions. It is nice to have options to consider and to figure out what feels best for me.

It is true that I have talked less and less over the years and he has talked more and more. It just seems that talking leads to more conflict so that is why I choose to stay silent a a lot. In the rare chances I have to observe him with other people (I haven't even gotten into how our relationship is secret from his family and he doesn't have many close friends in the area) it seems like he is able to be more balanced. In the rare moments when we are just conversationally having fun sometimes he still dominates the talk, but sometimes he does not. Anyway, I feel this should, at some point become moot because when normal couples break up they don't continue to have hours long conversations.