PD digging his heels in so now initiating GR and MC

[Blackbird11]

My previous posts give an overview of where I am, but in short: going on almost 4 months in-home separation. I initiated. One small child, a toddler.

uPDh has been alternating between hoovering and threatening me - not violent threats, just threats of him trying to get alimony from me, and that he won't be cooperative/friendly if I decide to move forward (I had been previously discussing with him how I hoped we could move forward as friends and co-parents for the sake of our child).

We have no money so part of the reason I have been pushing the friends idea is so we could just go through mediation as opposed to putting thousands of dollars into a law firm. I did speak to a lawyer so Im aware of my rights and good next steps as there is a child involved.

But also - I would like to at least get along with him when we do interact for the sake of our child. Im starting to make peace with the idea that he is (of course) unpredictable and I can't bet on the idea that he would maintain a friendly relationship with me. Like everything else in this relationship, it's hard but Im trying to accept it.

The easiest solution on our child is that he moves out until we can sell our home. And we need to sell our home - we can't afford it. He refuses to move out and refuses to sell the house until he sees divorce papers. Im still hesitant to draw up divorce papers without physical separation between us - not because Im worried about him lashing out at me, but because I don't want to deal with his range of emotional responses once he receives them.

Im reaching my breaking point in this situation. The emotional aspect is hard because Im still pulled in by his charm when he's being nice. It is very confusing to me and of course I start to doubt myself. I literally have to go through my previous posts and journal entries on a weekly basis to remind myself of why I'm here. My T also reminds me of how much I have been through and that divorce is most likely the best decision to bring peace back to me and my child. Im re-reading the Stop Caretaking book as well. It's amazing that my body and mind seem to want to reject the notion that I should leave this relationship because that is how I've been conditioned.

I know someone who married around the same time as me and started having martial problems. Her and her h went to couples/individual T and eventually she said she wanted to separate and probably divorce. They have children as well, so the h realized the easiest solution was to move out until they determine next steps. So he moved. When she told me this, I was supportive and happy for her as I know it was so very hard to ask for what she needed and to come to terms with everything, but what I didn't tell her was that I sobbed in my car because I was reminded that I am in a PD situation and it will never be that easy. I was so despondent.

I realize that I haven't been consistent with GR and MC, so my job now is to employ them as much as possible to hopefully shut down the PD's idealization of this terribly unhappy marriage. He has already said in passing that he is reaching HIS limit and needs someone who will be there for him, so Im just hoping he eventually gets so fed up it magically becomes his idea to end this once and for all.

[Jsinjin]

I understand how easy it is to slip out of grey medium.   It's so tempting and part of a routine to fall back into solving problems, justifying or arguing.

Good for you for drawing the line and staying on the strong side of it!

Jsj