Finally having the conversation and meaning it but scared with 3 kids

Lotus8 · August 20, 2019, 09:44:43 AM

I am married 18 years with 3 children 16 years and under. He is a functioning alcoholic who has betrayed my trust, and one year ago, I told him that I am "really" done for the third time, and I have not been able to leave. He cries, begs, has temper tantrums, panic attacks, shakes, threatens to kill himself, and says that he will tell the children that the divorce is all my fault. He also claims that he can't sleep, eat, work, and that all I have to do is forgive and forget, and then we will all be happy. He constantly asks me why am I doing this to him!

He is now being nice and helpful around the house, and I feel like I am overreacting, and I also feel bad for him and feel guilty. Ugh.

My plan is to give him a letter from my attorney on Thursday, and I am so scared, but mostly for my children. I hope they will be okay and won't hate me for this! The fear is paralyzing!

I am asking for advice on how to handle this conversation and how to reassure the children that this is not my fault and that they/we will be okay. Thank you!

notrightinthehead · August 20, 2019, 02:00:16 PM

Are you sure you and the kids want to be there when he gets the letter? Will the kids and you be safe?

Check out this on personal safety from the toolbox

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/ensure-your-own-personal-safety

Poison Ivy · August 20, 2019, 02:06:26 PM

I agree with notrightinthehead's comments.

Undiscovered · August 20, 2019, 02:18:08 PM

Lotus8

I am going through almost exactly the same situation although you seem to be further down the road than me.

My uBPh is also being lovely now he has realised that he might lose me. And I am experiencing all the feelings you mentioned above.

I wish I had advice for you. I don't. I just want you to know you are not alone.

Be safe. Be strong. Your story gives me hope that maybe one day I will have the strength to do what you are doing.

Wishing you well xx

SerenityCat · August 20, 2019, 02:37:30 PM

Welcome Lotus8.

I agree with everyone here - please do focus on your personal safety.

Here are some more ideas on safety planning: https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

If he threatens to kill himself again, please get yourself and your children to safety, and call the police.

You are not overreacting. You are not guilty.

Please listen to your understandable fear and call in all the resources you can. Tell supportive friends and family. Call authorities whenever necessary.

You and your children deserve safety.

If someone is threatening to physically harm you or themselves: https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

Lotus8 · August 20, 2019, 02:56:14 PM

Thank you so much for the link, notrightinthehead, and Poison Ivy.

My plan is to pack my valuables (just engagement ring, really) with our passports and birth certificates, and a bag with clothes. I hope to stay at a friend's house overnight. I pray my plan works out.
The last time I mentioned divorce, he told the children that we are selling the house and they will have to move and leave their friends. He told my 10 y/o that he is taking the dog with him too!

So now i fear that he will go over the top and say things that are worse, and they will hate me.

I am so scared but I know i have to push through this fear!

Lotus8 · August 20, 2019, 03:11:55 PM

Thank you, Undiscovered.

It took me 18 years (and 9 therapists) to finally get to this point, but I am still afraid. I am a nervous wreck thinking about the conversation that i will have with him.

Until recently I thought that I was too sensitive, or going crazy or over-reacting. Therapy, this website and talking to a friend has really helped me. I've tried to surround myself with people who can help me see the reality of the situation and to keep me "in check", and to see past the gas lighting.

It is so incredibly helpful to know that I am not alone - that others have similar experiences, and that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

You will get there! It takes time. Stay strong!!!!

Lotus8 · August 20, 2019, 03:17:40 PM

Thank you, SerenityCat.

This is so helpful. I will read through the links. I tend to hesitate to call the police when he threatens harm towards himself or me because i think it's just a manipulative tactic. But i realize i need to take his threats seriously.

1footouttadefog · August 20, 2019, 03:26:25 PM

Please take the danger seriously.

The threats are not always empty and sometimes the suicidal person decodes to take others with them.

I am sorry that you habe to deal with such as this. I hope your situation becomes safe, stable and peaceful soon.

Undiscovered · August 20, 2019, 03:33:00 PM

Thank you Lotus8 for sharing and your kind words to me despite having so much to deal with yourself.

I have been with my H for 20+ years and also have 3 kids under 16. He is a functioning alcoholic (never heard that term before but describes him well). And i recently discovered he has cheated (to put it mildly) Scary similar.

I have an amazing support network of friends who are finally aware of my situation and keep me very well reality checked. This site is just incredibly helpful.

Therapy is my next step.

I have everything crossed for you.

SerenityCat · August 20, 2019, 04:02:18 PM

Quote from: Lotus8 on August 20, 2019, 03:17:40 PM
Thank you, SerenityCat.

This is so helpful. I will read through the links. I tend to hesitate to call the police when he threatens harm towards himself or me because i think it's just a manipulative tactic. But i realize i need to take his threats seriously.

Figuring out if he is just being manipulative is above your pay grade. It is not your job to figure out if he will really harm himself or you, you are not being paid to figure that out. You are not professionally trained and licensed. It is not your job and should not be.

You get to hand this off to the authorities. This helps keep you and your children safe.

Even if you are mostly sure that he is being manipulative, you still need to call the police. He needs that boundary set. You need that boundary.

You can be an excellent role model for your children.

If you ever again feel threatened by him, if you fear for the safety of your children, call the police. Don't second guess yourself.

You can even go to the police now for a conversation, tell them your plans, tell them your fears. They will have helpful ideas.

You can also call or chat with an advocate at the National Domestic Violence hotline https://www.thehotline.org/ The advocate will listen and help you come up with a safety plan.

We here online may have compassion and advice. But ultimately what counts is people in your real life, authorities who know your situation, and supportive friends. We here online don't want to inadvertently give you unhelpful advice. Real life comes first.

This is the time for you to focus on yourself and your children.

Lotus8 · August 21, 2019, 09:58:20 AM

Undiscovered - thank you so much.

I have everything crossed for you too!

Lotus8 · August 21, 2019, 10:01:52 AM

Thank you, SerenityCat.

Wow - you are right. This is so helpful. I needed this reality check.

I hope to have the conversation tomorrow. Praying all goes okay.

SeaGlass · August 21, 2019, 03:36:39 PM

Thinking of you and wishing you strength, Lotus8.

Spygirl · August 21, 2019, 10:00:18 PM

You can do it.

Lotus8 · August 22, 2019, 01:07:53 PM

Thank you, Spygirl and Seaglass. I need all of the strength and prayers i can get.

It's happening this evening. I am packing clothes and belongings so that we are out of the house. My T suggested I tell him via a phone call. I am planning for the worst but praying for the best.