How not to let this stuff upset me

[needfixing]

calls me, calls again and texts me, texts again -are you going? What? am I going? I haven't heard from you in like two years, right after you tried to make me feel small because you had done some travelling and I had not. You know, the snide remarks and one ups you seems to make every time I interact with you.  No mention of if YOU are going, just want to know about me. I didn't say this but I think it.  I was considering going, but not anymore.  I wonder what smear(s)/triangulation are out there--there usually is, I just now know this is really what happens. I was smeared when I was a generous people pleasing doormat. I must really be crazy now that I have been helped to discover and implement boundaries NOPE, no foo get together for me yet.  I didnt really want to go anyway. I only wanted to to make others' happy. Sometimes. I feel happy when I make others happy, then I get angry when they don't appreciate it, take me for granted or talk to me like I dont have much sense.

[eyesopen]

I guess it depends on who it is, what kind of connection you have to them (family/friend/in-law/etc.), and what kind of connection you want to have with them.  You're under no obligation to keep anyone in your life if you don't want them there.

For someone that you haven't heard from in two years and want that streak to continue, would there be any harm in just blocking their number on your phone and going on with your life as if they don't exist?  Would there be any collateral damage you couldn't accept to doing something like that?  Or would the worst of it just be their own awkwardness and negative opinions/attitude if you happened to show up to the same event?

If all they bring to you is smears, unwanted pressure, and snide or judgemental comments, then the way to let it stop upsetting you is to do your best to cut it out of your life.  It's their problem, their attitude, their judgement, their negativity.  You don't have to own any of it.  It's not your problem and you can choose to let it go if you want to.

[moglow]

Needfixing, I'm not sure what you're asking - to be honest, I feel like I'm missing part of the puzzle. I hope you'll bear with my confusion and resulting ramble. There's a point in here, I promise!

Not being clear on the background or current status of whatever relationship this is about, I'll say this. If you're laying your hopes and happiness in the laps of people who have consistently let you down, you [any of us!] can pretty much expect a continuation of the same. My feeling is that most of us don't necessarily do things TO [or to hurt] others, but rather speak to our own needs at any given point in time. Whether those needs are physical, financial or more emotional, few people are putting things out there solely for others' benefit. [Yes, I believe some get a sick charge out of pure down meanness, but I tend to believe that's the exception rather than the rule.]

What I'm saying is, basing our personal happiness and peace of mind on other people and their present state of mind is liable to get our feelings hurt. Every one of us has our own stuff, problems, concerns, agendas, what have you - and are operating from that base at any given time. You have a need to help and take care of others, but you [like too many of us] have expectations of a return on some level. That's where the hurt comes in.

I feel happy when I make others happy, then I get angry when they don't appreciate it, take me for granted or talk to me like I dont have much sense.

Note to self:  You can't *make* anyone do or feel anything. Neither can they do that to you. We're all solely responsible for our own behavior - and feelings. We can and often do internalize their stuff and make it about us, but it really does boil back down to where we are inside, as individuals. An old friend used as his tagline: "Expectations are disappointments under construction." Read that again. Putting your expectations in another's hands is going to get you disappointed more often than not. It's sad, but true.

Read "The Four Agreements" by Don Luis Miguel - become friends with the basic wisdom he imparts there. It's about being true to yourself and letting go of the outcome, not taking things personally, speaking your truth and backing it up - not as weapons, but putting peace and honesty out there. And again, letting go of the outcome. Others may do with it what they will, that is not your battle to fight.

I'm a work in progress, Needfixing. I think we all are. We have choices to become better or bitter - for myself, I've seen enough bitter to know that's not something I want a lot of. I tend to believe you're kind of tired of it too.

[PeanutButter]

I wanted to comment even though Im late on this thread.
Maglow, just wow. It is this kind of advice from within this forum community that has supported me in a complete overhaul in how I interpret my life. Thank you for being here and sharing! (most of my learning comes from reading responses to others since i dont post much)
Needfixing I remember one of the turning points for me was when a counselor/psychologist told me "we all have a story that we tell ourselves that is basically the story of our life as it happens" kinda like a narrating. I remember thinking: oh thats how some people can write a biography, I wouldnt ever be able to write a biography.
Then a very short time later I suddenly started 'hearing' my thoughts and the story I was telling myself.
Before this I believed that other people were causing my feelings. I also believed that i was the cause of the feelings of others too. But I was not aware that I held these beliefs.
Now I became aware that when I got angry at my husband, it wasnt because of his actions or words, but because of the 'story' I was telling myself about what his motives and intentions were. (mind reading?) An example would be me thinking "if dh loved me then he would do xyz." But dh had no idea I expected him to do xyz.
This awareness IME is how I was able to take responsibility for my part in the relationship.