First day of school can't come fast enough

[Penny Lane]

I am so ready to be done with summer (sorry, DSS and DSD!)

I don't know if BM is stressed otherwise or she's feeling free of court oversight or if she just can't handle this much time alone with the kids. But this summer has been a DISASTER.

The kids are coming back to us incredibly on edge, more so than normal. Lots of questions like "why does mom have to pay for everything?" Of course there was the whole birthday party debacle, where she told DSS that he could only have a birthday party if she took H's parenting time. The kids have been constantly mad at us for something she made up - and it's usually something SHE did that she's projecting onto DH. We're spending huge amounts of energy on deescalating and helping them work through their feelings/thoughts. By the end of our time they're back to normal and using their critical thinking about stuff she says. But then the next time it's back to square one with a new insane allegation. And there are just generally lots of tantrums and lots of sleeping in and other signs that they're stressed and really tired, to the point of getting sick.

Twice recently one of the kids has gotten what could have been a serious injury (like, they narrowly avoided a concussion or broken bone) at her house - and BM either wasn't in the room or wasn't even there. I know kids get hurt and they get hurt at our house too but we think there's probably little to no supervision during her time, just generally. After one of the incidents H took the kid to the doctor and BM tried to call and cancel the appointment. When that didn't work she showed up and told the doctor in front of the kid that the kid didn't need to go. She also apparently has told the kids that their going to the doctor is a waste of money (!!) and that she can't afford both the doctor and their lessons. (Not true, she just can't afford the doctor and their lessons and going to the bar every night they're not with her and some nights they are).

She has spent an incredible amount of time and energy trying to keep H from exercising right of first refusal. She drives across town to pick them up, then drives back across town to drop them off with her mom, then back across town to go to work. All to pretend to H that the kids are with her all day when it's clear that they're not.  Somehow to her that's better than just letting them stay with their dad? After H asked her parents to stop helping her violate the parenting plan, she did start occasionally offering him ROFR but always the night before (sometimes less than 12 hours before  she was supposed to pick them up!) She also signed them up for a bunch of daycare WHILE DH IS AVAILABLE. And the most galling part is that she expects him to pay for half because daycare apparently now counts as "enriching extracurriculars." Of course when he wanted to discuss camps and activities at the beginning of summer she refused, so they missed out on a lot of really good camps they could've done. Also, her latest thing is that if he offers her ROFR and then gets off work early, she won't let him pick up the kids until the time he thought he was going to get off work.

Drop offs are always terrible. She's often not awake when H arrives to pick up the kids so he has to wait around. When she comes to pick them up she shows up anywhere from 0-30 minutes late. And if the kids take more than one minute to walk out the door she calls H and complains that he's withholding the kids from her. Like we're all supposed to just sit there, shoes on, ready to go for half an hour for whenever she decides to get here. Although, the last time she called she had to hear us saying goodbye and I love you to the kids, which might have actually put an end to the phone calls. You also never know when she's going to cause a scene - she's done it occasionally both at our house and at hers.

Speaking of phone calls it is a huge hassle for H to get the kids on the phone. But, similarly, if he doesn't pick up right away he receives a storm of texts and sometimes repeated calls. I mostly don't have to worry about this - he doesn't even say anything anymore. But it's like she expects the kids to just be sitting around waiting for her to call and if H doesn't pick up it's because he's purposely keeping them from her. Then after she talks to the kids - even if it's totally innocuous - there is ALWAYS a serious meltdown.

She's been methodically going through and trying to lock H out of every account the kids have. School and medical stuff she's had less success. But some of the smaller extracurricular providers let her - he now has no information about what the kids are signed up for or whether it's been paid. And it sounds like she implied that he is an abusive ex and that the place shouldn't give him ANY information. He spent literally hours sorting that one out and he still doesn't have access to his own account! And we're not totally sure that his credit card isn't still attached to the account.

Pretty much all of the kids' reoccurring bills are in her name now, which is OK (better than H footing the bill and her never paying him back!) but I'm just waiting for the day when she stops paying and we have to come in and cover it all at once.

It seems like every day she finds a new thing to do to sabotage or undermine DH. And the better he gets at ignoring her bs, the better she gets at finding things he HAS to deal with.

I am constantly on edge during her time because at any point the kids could get seriously hurt (emotionally or physically) and she will go to great lengths to hide it from DH. I'm especially on edge when he goes to pick up the kids because I worry that she's going to call the police on him or somehow attack him in front of the kids. Same with when she picks them up. Really any time they're in the same place, I worry about him. And when they're with us I feel like H and I have to be on the top of our parenting game constantly, always, otherwise the alienation will take hold and we will lose the kids for good.

I am really hoping that the structure of school will be good for the kids' stress levels and the at-school exchanges will lower the tension level between H and BM. In the meantime .... gahhhhhhh!

[athene1399]

I am so sorry, Penny. First and foremost, keep up with self-care. This can burn someone out quickly. Make sure you have time to recharge your batteries now and then (DH too).

Maybe some of it you can "sort out" with BM (by that I mean tell her how you would like to fix it just so you can say you tried. And keep the responses as evidence you tried to work it out). SO's L always says to tell BM about something first, then if she goes ahead and does what you told her not to do, to go from there. You just kind of need it in writing that you tried to sort it out, or told her up front if she did x you weren't paying for it, etc.

Lots of questions like "why does mom have to pay for everything?"

Because she's locked us out of the billing info.    Okay, maybe you can't say that. But maybe you can talk about this like you did before, "We pay for what we are aware of..." and if you think it won't cause too much damage, maybe address with BM "We'd be more than happy to pay for our half if we had access to the kids' activities' payment information".

After one of the incidents H took the kid to the doctor and BM tried to call and cancel the appointment.

Maybe tell BM if something like " If [this incident] happens, we will be more than happy to take the kids to the doctor and pay the copay, so please stop trying to cancel the appointment." Maye see if you can sort something out with the doctor where if DH makes the appointment, he has to be the one to cancel it. I don't know if they do that, but worth a shot. 

She also signed them up for a bunch of daycare WHILE DH IS AVAILABLE

Is it still an "enriching" activity if DH is available? I really don't know but wonder if you say something like" if DH is available on a certain day you won't pay for daycare" (maybe check with L to see if you can say this). I am so sorry the ROFR ended up being a nightmare for you guys.

I feel your pain with the drop offs, but on the reverse end. We usually always drive DS, so would show up on time to pick her up and used to have to wait 20 min for her to come out. She comes out faster when BM isn't there, so assuming BM would hold her up. This has thankfully gotten better. I hope it gets better for you too. I mean, she has to wait for them to get their shoes on. Maybe you can create a new game "who can put on their shoes the fastest", but if the kids don't compete well this could be a bad idea. Or they get something small (like a dessert or something) at the end of the week with you guys if they help you get themselves ready when BM pulls in.

With the phone calls, you can always just ignore her until the kids are ready to talk. If she wants to throw a temper-tantrum, she can go ahead. There's nothing legally she can do. You are letting her talk to the kids and that's all the agreement says. If she wants to bring it up, you have plenty of evidence showing that dad isn't talking to the kids when he wants to. It still is annoying, I don't want to minimize that. But you guys aren't doing anything wrong so she just has to deal.

She's been methodically going through and trying to lock H out of every account the kids have.

Can DH tell them he legally has to split this stuff and if he doesn't have access to the billing he won't be able to do this? I wouldn't keep the cc attached to the account if you can't view what is going on IMO. Tell them to at least take the card off the account if he isn't allowed to see what he is paying for, or cancel the card (which is a pain, but who knows what BM is signing the kids up for and not taking them to). This did happen a few times with SO and he asked if they wanted to see the custody agreement because he's the one with custody. Then they let him put himself back on the account without actually asking to see the agreement. But if you're agreement says you guys have to split it, then I would think legally you have to have access to the account info. Maybe ask you L if you can say something to BM that you won't split anything you don't have access to becasue how can you be expected to pay for something you really don't know about. She can't just sign them up for whatever. She has to run it by you first IMO. Maybe see if you L will send her L a letter about not blocking dad out of this stuff or he won't split it. This is extremely aggravating, but IMO she's shooting herself in the foot. She's complaining about DH not paying his half, yet locking him out of the accounts. It makes no sense (to us anyways). Maybe you can warn her if she doesn't knock if off, you'll get the L involved (check with the L first to see if this is a legal issue, I would think it is but sometimes you never know). 

I hope things get better or school starting makes it settle down a bit.

[Findingmyvoice]

PL,
I'll just relate my experience with pickup and dropoff as I have experienced the same thing with exBPDw.
She has pulled all of the things you mentioned plus a few extra.  It was always a source of anxiety for me and for the kids.
I told her from the beginning that I didn't want to talk to her at pickup and dropoff.  She would cause drama at the door over whatever was bothering her, she would come to my vehicle and be nosing around inside,
Every time I would send her a message in writing that I did not wish to speak to her, that these interactions were harmful to the children.  Every time she would write a message back to me denying that she had said / done the things that she did.
I had to call her on it every time and reinforce that I did not want to see or speak to her if she is going to do these things.
Eventually it slowed down and I would say that now it has stopped.

I have not had a bad pickup / dropoff for months.  They go smoothly, she shows up when she is supposed to, she stays in the house or car, children are exchanged.

I was also very firm that all communications are in writing.  This has resulted in very little communication from exBPDw. 
I didn't engage with her on the phone or in person.  I answer her calls or questions with "send me a message" or a simple regurgitation of what we had discussed / agreed upon.  Accusations, threats would be ignored, I would not explain myself.  I think eventually she got the message that I wasn't playing her games.  Pickup at 6 means pickup at 6.  That's all.
If you have other problems send them to me in writing and I will respond.  If you don't agree with the pickup / dropoff arrangements it has to be arranged ahead of time in writing.

It's unfortunate that the ROFR is causing so much back and forth.  I think that this is great source of supply for her, as soon as you want something from her she can pull the strings and play games. 
In court we had to make it clear that any bit of flexibility or ambiguity in the parenting schedule was making it difficult on the kids with all of the back and forth games.  A rigid agreed upon schedule was the best way to make it better for the kids.
I would say that it has worked.
If both people can compromise and work together, flexibility is awesome and it works well.  When you are dealing with someone that is high conflict it is a nightmare.

Every time that exBPDw asked for a change in schedule and I tried to accommodate it blew up in my face, she twisted things around, involved the kids, brought it up in court, etc.
So, I stopped entertaining her requests and responded with "i'm not willing to discuss any changes to the parenting schedule". As you can imagine, she tried to break this down too but I held firm. 

[Magnolia34]

I can't agree more. I don't know if it's the extra time uBPD BM has with the kids or what but things have been extra crazy the last few weeks. I don't have anything to add that others haven't already offered up. I agree with Athene and would absolutely refuse (maybe talk to your attorney first) to pay for anything you don't have access to the accounts/statements for. Get your credit card off of there!!

"It seems like every day she finds a new thing to do to sabotage or undermine DH. And the better he gets at ignoring her bs, the better she gets at finding things he HAS to deal with."

This. All. Day.

It's frustrating because you think you come up with a plan, or a way to mitigate the conflict and they ALWAYS find a way around it. It's really impressive, actually. Imagine if they put that effort into parenting their children?! There is no greater challenge to a PD than when you don't engage in the fight.

[Penny Lane]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the advice and the commiseration!

Here's the thing, H has tried all of these strategies to work it out with BM and she just refuses. I can't tell if she's just having a really bad spell right now or if this is how it's always going to be now that they're not in court. And frankly, I'm just not willing to keep spending tons and tons of energy helping H figure out how to work this stuff out with her. He's feeling the same way. When one party constantly acts in bad faith, disregards court orders, actively tries to sabotage the other ... what, truly, is the point of negotiating? But then when he pulls out she makes things worse for the kids, I guess in an attempt to get his attention again.

I am feeling just done, like, if we're going to be doing this for another decade I need to be spending way less energy on any given interaction between H and BM. Meanwhile she's spending tons of energy trying to force H to engage. I know I don't have to engage as well but I do think that he gets better outcomes on the really tricky stuff when we brainstorm the solution together.

Also, just to be clear, even with these new reoccurring payments mom definitely doesn't pay for everything. Dad pays for everything and sometimes mom pays him back, but often not. So either we let the kids believe that H is falling down on his responsibility, or we correct that record. The good news is that H finally got that extracurricular provider to take his credit card off the account, so she can't just run up his charges! Gotta take those victories where you can get them.

I do think some of her extra bad behavior is a continuing reaction to H's new "no trades" boundary. I love this boundary. H is giddy that I'm not trying to pressure him into trading anymore. She hates it. But her pattern in the past has been to push push push against boundaries and then give up when she realizes they're really solid. Fingers crossed this happens soon.

FMV: These are all very good strategies. H has adopted most of them after much trial and error. Nowadays pickups are usually OK other than he has to bring a book to wait while BM takes her time getting the kids out the door. But occasionally she either comes out of her house or gets out of the car in an attempt to confront him over whatever she's mad about that day. He doesn't leave the house or roll down the car window. But then the kids wonder "why doesn't dad talk to mom?" They recently straight up asked this question and we got an opportunity to explain that it's an attempt to make sure things are productive, so hopefully it will be less unpleasant for them next time they see it. In any event, even if she only causes a problem for 1/100 drop offs, it's hard to not worry that THIS will be the time.

I think this is very wise:

It's unfortunate that the ROFR is causing so much back and forth.  I think that this is great source of supply for her, as soon as you want something from her she can pull the strings and play games. 

It's becoming clear to us that she is basically constantly violating ROFR. Like, maybe pretty much every day she is with the kids she is away from them either for work or, on weekends, to go to a party. I think it's to the point where H and I feel comfortable with the idea that he will only offer her the ROFR if it's a time SHE would offer it to HIM. And if she calls him on it say "under your interpretation right of first refusal doesn't apply to this situation" and leave it at that. I think that will deescalate things between them for sure.

Gosh this is so true:

It's frustrating because you think you come up with a plan, or a way to mitigate the conflict and they ALWAYS find a way around it. It's really impressive, actually. Imagine if they put that effort into parenting their children?! There is no greater challenge to a PD than when you don't engage in the fight.

Interestingly, DSS has been really mad at BM recently. Not in the "yelling at us with BM's words in a situation she obviously contrived" way that he was mad at us earlier. Just like, really disappointed and kind of sad, and it comes out both on phone calls and when she comes up in conversation. I'm not totally sure what to make of it and we're don't know if there was a specific impetus or what. They didn't go to a couple of back to school events on her time and it sounds like she just didn't feel like taking him. I know he was bummed to miss those so maybe it's that. Or maybe it's just his overall feeling that he can't trust her, which seems to be growing. Or maybe it's something totally different. He hasn't said much and we don't want to pry. I think this is probably a step Out of the FOG and ultimately that's good for him. But it's so, so hard watching him be (rightly!) so disappointed in his mom and knowing that it will probably never get better for him.

[Stepping lightly]

I am feeling just done, like, if we're going to be doing this for another decade I need to be spending way less energy on any given interaction between H and BM.

Yep- I understand that feeling completely!  DH and I both do, hence our complete cutoff from contact.  We have found that there is just no good outcome when dealing with BM.  No matter what is said, she twists it into some evil intention or action or whatever she wants to do that specific day.  Then on top of it, she doesn't stop....she just keeps hammering at it....forever.  Then if you don't respond, she sends the kids over to hammer you on it.  There is no good outcome in our situation in communicating with BM.  At some point, there has to be enough documentation to show a judge to say, "Dude (or dudette), we seriously tried, but look at these piles of documented chaos and abusive responses".  DH said to BM on the last communication, "if you respond to this with accusations or insults, I am blocking you"- she did, she can't help herself. 

With DSS, it's so hard with kids growing up to know what's bothering them.  The constant question with DSD is "is it a BM thing or a teenage thing or a middle school thing, is she PMS'ing?"  It's so hard to tell, they are going through emotional turmoil as it is.  Sometimes it's best just to say, "I feel like something is up, and I'm always here if you need to chat" and leave it at that.  No pressure and they'll usually come back to talk, even if it isn't for little while.  We thought something was up with DSD on the BM front and it ended up being all about middle school girl drama, thank goodness- I can help with that!

[athene1399]

I'm so glad you were able to get DH's credit card off the account.

I am feeling just done, like, if we're going to be doing this for another decade I need to be spending way less energy on any given interaction between H and BM.

SO doesn't respond to BM 90% of the time because she just texts personal drama that we really don't care about. Actually, we make fun of what she says for days after, repeating her text in a funny, waify voice (totally immature but it helps, and we would never do it in front of SD). Maybe you and H can brainstorm what types of things he will respond to. And the few times we do have to suggest something to BM (like "please don't buy extra glasses for SD because we'll only pay for x"), we do not expect her to do what we say, but just need a written record that we stated it in case we have to go back to court there's a paper trail in our favor. That's basically what SL said about documentation that you tried.

BM can't do anything that doesn't support her victim narrative. It sounds like both our BMs think they pay for everything when that is not the case. That is difficult to work with because IMO they really believe they pay for everything. You can't work with someone like that because they feel they have to "get back at you" constantly. They feel you "owe" them something, so you can't work together becasue there is no working together when someone thinks the scales need to be tipped in their favor.

It's a little easier for us because SD is older. Since the last thing (where BM insinuated SD was maybe going to hurt herself when she was not answering because she was sleeping), SO and I decided if anything like that happens again he won't respond to BM but will check in with SD later. Or if BM texts him freaking out that SD doesn't have a ride somewhere, he'll ignore BM but then ask SD if she needs anything.

[Penny Lane]

With DSS, it's so hard with kids growing up to know what's bothering them.  The constant question with DSD is "is it a BM thing or a teenage thing or a middle school thing, is she PMS'ing?"  It's so hard to tell, they are going through emotional turmoil as it is.  Sometimes it's best just to say, "I feel like something is up, and I'm always here if you need to chat" and leave it at that.  No pressure and they'll usually come back to talk, even if it isn't for little while.  We thought something was up with DSD on the BM front and it ended up being all about middle school girl drama, thank goodness- I can help with that!

This is so true! SS walked in the door all cranky and H was like "oh great what idea about me did BM put into his head this time." Then later the thing about the beginning of school activities came out and we realized it wasn't about us at all. And then later he had some preteen crankiness directed at H but it definitely wasn't BM related, it was about how he wanted to play more video games than we allow! That, we can handle.

I overheard his friends talking about some of the activities before school and I realized why he was so bummed about them. I thought they were casual optional events but it sounds like one of them was a big thing with everyone in his grade and they were all talking about it for days. From BM's explanation it sounds like she either forgot completely or forgot until it was too late, and then tried to make it better by telling SS that she chose not to take him because she wanted him to spend time with her. Which even on its face is so selfish! Then it also sounds like that birthday party that she HAD to host and was so important, has now been pushed back at least a month and I'm seriously doubting it'll happen. So he's pretty bummed about that. AND he's been noticing that she often says she is going to call him and then just doesn't. I think all that added up makes for a pretty disappointed preteen.

It is sad for sure that DSS is having to miss out on things with his friends. It sounds minor but I really do think it's an important part of his development. And he's feeling like he misses out, over and over and over at his mom's house. (DSD is similarly missing out on stuff but I think she doesn't realize that yet). We just need to focus on having stability and on prioritizing the things the kids need - even if it's as "small" as having time with their friends.

I think this is probably exactly right:

It sounds like both our BMs think they pay for everything when that is not the case.

BM feels like she shouldn't have to pay for all this stuff for the kids. (Like, medical bills AND food AND one whole sport per kid!) So the fact that she has to pay up to half makes her feel like she truly is paying for everything. So she's lying to the kids but doesn't think she's lying to the kids. I don't know what you do with that. If we had unlimited money we would just pay for everything ourselves. And we could subsidize her expenses, sure, but things would be much tighter over here and she wouldn't spend the extra money on the kids, she'd spend it at the bar probably.

[Magnolia34]

Penny Lane and Stepping Lightly... I feel this on a cellular level! I feel like I'm LIVING on eggshells trying to figure out if BM is starting something or if we're just dealing with moody teenagers. Unfortunately it's usually BM drama but we've had enough "kid stuff" sprinkled in that I have to remember some of it is just normal. And of course, I think some of the normal "kid stuff" is exacerbated by BM drama too. It's a really weird, fine line.

[Stepping lightly]

PL,

The issue with who "thinks" they pay for anything is just something we have had to sort of just let go of.  BM makes the kids think she pays for everything, and the kids say "Mom had to pay like $500 that day because of my new glasses and DSS' medicine".  We just bite our tongues, DH reimburses at least 75% (their split is 25/75 and I think she gets more than 75% back because I think we pay on the pre-insurance amount- but that's another battle I won't go into).  So, BM may pay upfront, but she gets most of the money back.  If the kids said "you never pay for anything, why does Mom have to pay for everything?", we would address it....but the one off laments about poor BM's financial situation we just let slide.  It will only start a battle of we bite on some of those comments.

[Penny Lane]

Yeah we let it go until the kids started specifically asking why dad doesn't pay for stuff. Then it became our issue to address. So I think that put an end to that discussion, at least for awhile. The latest iteration of this is that every time we ask the kids "do you want to do this" they'll ask specifically how much it costs. And as much as we tell them that they don't have to worry about it, there is enough money to pay for everything, that we budget for this stuff (and what goes unsaid is that BM makes twice what DH does and has plenty of money for it as well) they know that their mom will complain about the cost. Believe me, we're not signing the kids up for fancy activities ... she'll complain the same if it's $20 or $200. So they feel obligated to say no to stuff that costs money. I'm not sure what to do with that. It seems like a losing battle to insist that she pay her share of stuff - she'll just manipulate the kids over it. But H wants to do it as long as possible because you're talking about tens of thousands over the course of their childhood and again, that's real money that we could put to good use on stuff that benefits the kids. I guess there's no winning.

Also what you said earlier about communications made me realize - since they signed up for Our Family Wizard (court order) BM has been much less overtly abusive. It must be a psychological thing because she clearly is writing things as if a judge will read them. Even though a judge could (and did) read her emails just the same! Sometimes she will even put one thing in a text message and something else in an OFW message.  So her harassment and abuse has gotten less overt but it's still extremely unpleasant for H to try to work with or even talk to her. I don't envy your situation at all but I am kind of jealous that you can go NC. The second it's feasible in our situation, I know that's what H will want to do.

[athene1399]

I'm sorry SS missed his school event too. It sucks when they get excited over something then it doesn't happen. Are you and DH able to do a birthday party for him?

[Penny Lane]

We probably won't. When DSS had his big meltdown toward us he INSISTED that only BM could host it and only that weekend. So we planned a really nice family celebration, which has already happened. I don't think kids are owed a birthday party every year and frankly I want DSS to experience the consequences of refusing to let us host a birthday celebration for him. Plus, I think BM would lose her mind if H hosted a party at this point and it wouldn't be worth it for DSS or for us.

I think this is a good learning experience for everyone. DH learned not to try to work with her on stuff like this (he asked her if she wanted to host a birthday party - shoulda just done it himself and told her after the fact). DSS hopefully learned not to buy into his mom's manipulations that much. And BM probably should have learned not to try so hard to alienate him like that (she convinced DSS that this one day was the ONLY day he could have a birthday party and that it was his dad's fault if he couldn't do it that day. then SHE canceled that day. so now in DSS's mind basically all of her alienation toward DH is turned toward her.) I'm sure she won't take anything away from this other than that it's DH's fault for not giving her extra parenting time, or whatever.

So we'll host a party next year and the kids will get their celebration with their friends. This year for both kids we'll have a really nice family day for each of them. DSS seemed to really enjoy his - I actually am kind of looking forward to the idea that every other year we will have a small private celebration and just enjoy each other's company for a day. I think that day actually did a lot to undo BM's manipulations.

[athene1399]

So we planned a really nice family celebration, which has already happened.

That's all that matters. Even if you just did a little dinner with the four of you, I think he'll look back and be happy for it. BM does the party with the friends for SD, we just do a dinner with my parents (SO's parents are deceased).

I think you have excellent points too. DSS insisted only BM could do the bigger party, she told him it would be dad's fault if this party didn't happen, dad let her do it that day and she cancelled it. She probably would blow her top if DH tried to plan a new party to replace the cancelled one. It's probably all about her getting the attention for doing it at this point (or not being able to do it).

I'm sure she won't take anything away from this other than that it's DH's fault for not giving her extra parenting time, or whatever.

You're probably right about this, too, but hopefully DSS will realize it's not DH's fault after everything that happened.

I think we too often bailed BM out of her own disasters. BM would promise SD she would make something for the bake sale at school. Then morning of, SO picks up SD to take her to school and she's like "BTW, can you get me something for the bake sale" so he'd scramble around, trying to run to the store and get SD to school on time. He really should have just said, "sorry I can't. But if you tell us in advance next time you have a bake sale, we can get you something." I hope DSS learns there are consequences to what BM does, even if she doesn't get it herself. We finally started putting our foot down about stuff like this and I wish we did it way earlier. We were just so afraid to get SD mad at us that BM would take us back to court and win (looking back that doesn't even make sense). I wish we didn't let her have that power over us. At least we've learned that eventually, and I'm glad you already get that.

[Penny Lane]

It's so hard because you want to protect the kids from their parent's bad actions. I think it was actually easier for me when I first met DH because I could see pretty objectively that he was never going to bend over backwards far enough to mitigate the damage she causes. But the more I got to know and love the kids the harder that was to accept.

But like you found, running around to clean up BM's low-stakes messes just teaches the kids and BM that they don't have to treat your time or energy with respect.

I remember it took years for BM to care of some of the post-divorce financial stuff in order to get all of her stuff into her name alone. Several times, DH went to her lawyer's office and sign all the paperwork, which I guess she would lose? Finally it became a crisis and she had to deal with it THAT DAY and H said, no I'm not leaving work to sign these papers again. I can probably get to it early next week. She had a meltdown, of course, but had to handle it herself.

Well guess what ... she didn't ever need the papers signed, the divorce decree was enough! That was very instructive for me. H does not need to do all this for her. She just wanted him to jump through her hoops. Or, him going way out of his way to do something made it slightly more convenient for her.

So I guess where we land on it is, it's not really doing the kids a service to shield them from the consequences of their mother's actions. I think in the long term they will be much better served if they learn to plan around her shortcomings rather than expect everyone else to jump through hoops at the last minute because their mom didn't come through.

It's such a sad thought and there are really no good answers. If we could rush around and twist ourselves into knots to fix every problem she creates, we would ... but she's in a constant state of creating a problem. It would never be enough.

It's really hard to watch DSS learning this right now. The kids will always talk about how their mom is going to buy them this or that, take them on this or that vacation. I would say it comes through maybe one out of every ten times? So now DSS will still talk about it but afterward he'll add "if she actually does (buy that or take us there or whatever it is)" in this sad little voice.

[athene1399]

It is tough to see. And it does break my heart. SD used to excitedly tell us about the vacation BM was going to take her on a few times and it never panned out. But the best we can do is to make sure if we make a promise that we keep it.

And while it does suck seeing them disappointed when the PD parent promises something but doesn't do it, we can't control her/his impulsive promises and she/he's not our child to look after. She/he is supposed to be the parent. And making the kids realize some of this will hopefully help them: "I have to remember to do x becasue dad/SM can't leave work to drive it out to me if PD parent forgets." It teaches them the responsibility that the PD parent can't learn. And if it's an emergency then of course we will drop whatever to be there. But we also have to help them with boundaries because the PD parent doesn't understand boundaries to teach the child about them. The PD parent has no boundaries and expects everyone to do what they ask that very second. Reinforcing this by us bailing the parent out is just as bad as the parent being irresponsible in the first place. I wish I figured it out sooner, but at least I get that now. 

[Penny Lane]

I'm going to post this here for posterity, and so I can go back at the end of next summer and remember it:

Yes, the structure of school is better for everyone. Yes, BM has calmed down (somewhat). And the kids are thrilled to be seeing their friends again.

Just the fact that drop offs are now at school makes everything a million times less stressful.

I'm sure soon enough this will again be the new normal and the problems will start popping up again. BM will start taking the kids to school late pretty soon, I imagine. There are all sorts of other ways she can cause chaos. But for now, there was an immediate decrease in stress when school started and I'm going to take that win!

[Stepping lightly]

Enjoy it- these lulls in chaos don't come around that often!!

[athene1399]

I hope you enjoy your break from the drama while it lasts!