Framing deciding to stay away from where you were abused

[me01t]

I left where i went through about 9 months of emotional abuse with no support or anyone believing me by the time i left. It was my home and happy place but everything became too much (i was also living abroad far away from home). I wanted to go back with the idea that after a few months the dust will have settled. However, I have had some fairly abusive messages up until the last few weeks and for me, I fear going back will be too soon both in terms of my healing (I had all the signs of c ptsd when i got back) but also with the people there as they likely haven't moved on yet. I may consider going back next year after more substantial time has passed as physically it was my favourite place in the world. How do you live with knowing by staying away it makes you look like the guilty one? How does one work with that if one does one day want to return, Given that it leaves me no chance to fight the story and by then it will have been an accepted truth by everyone that i am crazy?

[SerenityCat]

How do you live with knowing by staying away it makes you look like the guilty one? How does one work with that if one does one day want to return, Given that it leaves me no chance to fight the story and by then it will have been an accepted truth by everyone that i am crazy?

In my own experience, I decided that I cannot change how anyone else looks at me. I don't even try. If people believe I am guilty even though I am not, there is not much I can do other than stay away from them.

I cannot fight anyone's story about me. Even if I tried there is no guarantee that anyone will listen.

All I can do is heal, recover, and be a good person.

Abusive people may choose to lie about me. They may choose to not see how much I've grown and stabilized. I stay away from abusive people.

I encourage you to take the time to heal and recover. You come first.

You may be able to eventually reclaim what you love about this place you loved in the past. You can take your time, maybe with the advice of a therapist, and maybe again enjoy the area.

For now, this is a great time to continue to work on yourself. I wish you well on your journey.

[1footouttadefog]

A couple of thoughts come to mind.

One os that when the time is right to return, it will not be hard because yourbwounds will have healed.

Secondly, perhaps there might be a similar location a city or county over whereby can enjoy Tue same environment and lifestyle but not encounterbthe place outlived with abuse or people you do not feel comfortable with.

[Elsbeth]

I left.... How do you live with knowing by staying away it makes you look like the guilty one? How does one work with that if one does one day want to return, Given that it leaves me no chance to fight the story and by then it will have been an accepted truth by everyone that i am crazy?

When I went no contact or very limited contact with various members of the FOO, I was faced with a few things ...
their attempts at contact, their contact, their contact with questions directed at me of "why are you so angry..", and so forth, children wondering why, and more ... yes everyone wanting to know WHY I was doing THIS and then of course, I foolishly would try to EXPLAIN myself (J.A.D.E. = justify, argue, defend, explain my side) and well it made me feel worse

I settled on with the children explaining in terms they would understand that MY relationship with their aunts/uncles/grandparents etc... was changing and I explained the tipping point for my actions and then I ended with I am doing this for my mental well being. I also never opposed the children continuing their relationships with my FOO -  with todays technology (email, smart phones), my FOO can reach out to the children (they aren't little so this works for me).

AND "my mental well being" or "mental health" is now the only reason I ever give if anyone asks why there isn't a relationship with FOO. That response shuts down the probing questions. And if not, I am also ok with saying I don't find it appropriate to discuss those details, don't you think (and then smile and change to a very light subject). 

As for FOO, they eventually stopped with the questions when I used medium chill or SILENCE as response. For example, I would respond calmly and passively "I am not angry" to the "why are you so angry" question.  And then say nothing. Let them ramble and I would move on to another topic or more than likely I'd say I had to go (I've reached my destination gotta get off the cell phone now).

I am a believer you can ALWAYS go back to revisit any relationship because I believe that in going back, you go back on your own new terms and boundaries. And if that isn't acceptable by the other side, then you move on. None of that means I am crazy. I reframe it as I am doing what is best for my mental health. And I treat my health (physical and mental) like a business - I want it to thrive, not go under. Let me add here, I have one member of FOO that I wouldn't mind a relationship with but because of flying monkeys I don't dare. And that is a loss I continue to feel but again, my mental health is worth more than trying to have that ONE relationship (with flying monkeys).