When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood

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11JB68

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When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood
« on: August 21, 2019, 03:15:11 PM »
This relates to a co-worker though it could go in Common Behaviors, as uOCPDh has done it too.
I can't stand this and I feel like it's their way of telling us to walk even more gently on those proverbial egg shells!
Possibly-uPD coworker came in today and announced to someone that she really was not in a good mood, so people should watch out and leave her alone, etc.
Soon after she startled someone and the person said 'oh you scared me' and her response was 'well I'm a scary person'.
So - 1) if you're in that bad a mood that you're going to upset your co-workers, maybe take a sick day.
2) OR, learn to control your behavior/emotions, keep the personal stuff out of the office, and just function professionally.
It shouldn't be 'our job' to manage a pwpd's moods.
It just puts me on edge, and I'm guessing puts others on edge as well.

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11JB68

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Re: When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2019, 05:11:16 PM »
And then their mood changes, and suddenly they want to be friendly / chat.
Always on their terms.

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Bloomie

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Re: When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2019, 11:41:06 AM »
11JB68 - oh wow this is the definition of gaslighting and creating an uncertain atmosphere of risk for those around this person. Highly manipulative and controlling. I would keep my distance from this person and YES 100 times yes this:

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It shouldn't be 'our job' to manage a pwpd's moods.
:yeahthat: Not our stuff!!


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looloo

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Re: When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood
« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2019, 01:44:11 PM »
11JB68 - oh wow this is the definition of gaslighting and creating an uncertain atmosphere of risk for those around this person. Highly manipulative and controlling. I would keep my distance from this person and YES 100 times yes this:

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It shouldn't be 'our job' to manage a pwpd's moods.
:yeahthat: Not our stuff!!

YES!  This is my H, I want to say he does this ALL the time.  Maybe not all the time, but it’s his MO to do this.  I usually become way too stressed over it, but at the same time, increasingly resentful.  I’m planning on discussing more with my T, how I can develop some personal assertiveness to deflect his issues back onto HIM to deal with.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Merrill95

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Re: When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood
« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2019, 01:58:09 AM »
I'm new to the Forum and just wanted to clarify...

So, if someone says, "I have a bad temper, so I apologize in advance if I snap at you" or "I'm not a very gentle person, so don't expect gentleness from me"--is a warning like this a red flag for a personality disorder?
« Last Edit: August 24, 2019, 02:01:36 AM by Merrill95 »

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looloo

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Re: When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood
« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2019, 07:12:42 PM »
I'm new to the Forum and just wanted to clarify...

So, if someone says, "I have a bad temper, so I apologize in advance if I snap at you" or "I'm not a very gentle person, so don't expect gentleness from me"--is a warning like this a red flag for a personality disorder?

The more I learn, the more I realize that someone you give your heart to should have the urge to treat you kindly and respectfully as his/her default setting.  Everyone has bad days, but to act as if “warning” in advance, and then expecting you to tolerate whatever may come (because you were “warned” so it’s your fault if you get upset!?  :stars:) is somehow okay is abdicating all of their responsibility to manage their own emotions.

It is NOT our job to absorb the impact of their bad behavior, and it IS 100% necessary that we be treated with respect and kindness.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood
« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2019, 10:17:26 PM »
I can see saying something like, “Hey everyone, I’m not quite myself today. I’m going to do my best but I’m sorry if I’m a little off. I should be back to normal tomorrow, I just had a rough night.” And then if you do snap at someone, apologize just the same as if you hadn’t given “warning.”

C. S. Lewis talks about this in the Screwtape Letters. How people will say, “Oh that’s just my habit. You mustn’t mind it,” as if that makes it okay and other people are the ones in the wrong if they take offense. That’s not how it works.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood
« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2019, 10:51:24 PM »
I have coworkers to whom I feel comfortable venting but I would never use that as an excuse to treat them badly or expect them to make me feel better (other than by being willing to listen; and everyone to whom I vent is someone whose venting I listen to, too). But I think this is different than saying, "I'm in a bad mood, I'm going to dump on you, and I want you to fix my mood."

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Wilderhearts

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Re: When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood
« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2019, 02:21:49 AM »
My non-PD partner blurted something out once in a moment of stress that could sound a lot like a "warning" (but thankfully wasn't at all what he was trying to communicate).  Triggered me hugely, and thankfully I had a little fight response myself and immediately snapped "Well you'd better get a handle on that." 

I wonder if saying something like "maybe you should do something about that" to the person "warning" you to not anger them would be effective?  Is that just like asserting a boundary - I don't take responsibility for managing your mood and I expect you to, or would it invite JADE?

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KeepingMyBlue

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Re: When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood
« Reply #9 on: August 29, 2019, 07:56:11 PM »
"Oh, you have to look over her. She's like that sometimes, but usually she's a sweetheart!" 🤪

No, we don't. We all get moods, and adults know how to deal, or at least close a door and be alone.

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11JB68

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Re: When they 'warn' you they're in a bad mood
« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2019, 01:19:30 AM »
 :yeahthat: