How to apologize to NPD sister?

[Roza]

I have reacted badly to my NPD sister, how do I apologize to her. I said some really mean things and it is bothering me. I know that PD folks look for reactions and I gave her one. Now I feel bad. I know that its the fix it syndrome, I have always been the one to say I am sorry for everything all my life. Is it crazy to want to apologize? I just want peace and I feel like I should apologize. I know I am  going with the pull in again but I need closure bcz I feel guilty. I guess getting used to letting go of guilt will take time.

[nanotech]

Have a good think about what happened. Make sure you're not just trying to regain her approval?  That approval thing, the need for it, runs deep. And they love watching us squirm, and they never ever give it.
I don't look for it any more from them. My FOO  are pretty confused and frankly, upset!

And me? I'm a whole lot healthier, and much more free.

She has responsibility for what she said too, and what she did. Be careful before you take on any shame, and name it to her as yours.

Apologies are like currency to the personality disordered. It isn't like apologising to a non- disordered person.
You may have said some things that were unkind, but still.
Keep yourself safe. XxX

[Tricia64]

Apologies are like currency to the personality disordered. It isn't like apologising to a non- disordered person.
You may have said some things that were unkind, but still.
Keep yourself safe. XxX

This is one of the parts for me that is so hard to understand.  Everything I read, it acts as if PD people are almost like aliens (which really bothers me).  But the truth is, it does feel like you get destroyed.  It is so hard to understand.

My thought are with you Roza and everyone  :

[Roza]

Nanotech, I was pretty cruel to her. Her life choices were lacking, she married a bum, he cheated on her, but she wanted kids. She couldn't have any, so she got dogs. I do not like pets, the mess and stuff. I had infertility problems too, but I told her that she didn't try hard enough,  adoption or fostering is always an option.  There are plenty of kids that need loving parents,  but my sis is a narc. Her way pr no way. So i feel bad telling her that i had human kids. I did email an apology but now she is getting nasty. I still feel guilty. Thank you for your input.

[SerenityCat]

You apologized. You learned and will make different choices next time. This is all good.

As for her getting nasty, you may need to block or ignore her, at least for awhile. Even though you may have made a mistake earlier, you do not deserve to be abused.

I understand feeling guilty, sometimes a little bit of that is fine, because we don't like what we did and want to behave better in the future. But I think eventually we need to let go of that so we can move on as we continue to recover and get healthy.

My sisters and I were all abused. We sometimes were mean to each other as teenagers and young adults. One of us was even completely estranged for 20 years after telling the rest of us that, unfairly, that we were all very bad people.

This can happen in dysfunctional families. Even when one or more of us as adults tries to improve, we still can make mistakes, especially because we were trained to be a mess.

So along with making mistakes, apologizing, and learning - I think we may need to forgive ourselves sometimes. We are still learning how to behave in a stable non-abusive manner. This can take awhile and we may have slip ups from time to time.

Roza, you are an inspiration. You did something that you are not proud of, you apologized, and now you are reflecting. This is wonderful. Your next step can be to increase focus on yourself. You don't need to explain this to your sisters. This is time for you.

[nanotech]

There are lots of home truths I'd love to tell the PD members of my family.  I've been mean to my sis in the past. I've been a flying monkey then had it backfire on me and have gotten scapegoated over it.
Since detaching (with love) from them, I have a lot less interaction and I don't get mad. I also don't get walked over or used any more.
It's really hard. The illusion of a happy family has to get thrown out forever. They still think our family is ok and that I'm ' not family minded.'  That's fine with me. I'm lucky to have my family of choice.

Roza, remember that your sister's choices were all her own. I spent years thinking it was my job to save my sister from herself. If you've apologised, and now she's being nasty, then she's clearly  not had the good grace to accept it. Forgive yourself for getting angry. Resolve not to bother getting angry again. I think anger and resentment is triggered when they act all entitled and expect us to pick up their mess. Now I don't get angry, nor do I pick up.

My sister used to make me feel like I had to apologise to her for having a happy marriage when she didn't. Don't ever apologise for having a family when she hasn't- there were other choices open to her.
I'm sending hugs xxxxx

[PeanutButter]

Im proud of you Roza. You felt apologising is the right thing to do so you did it.
But only apologise once. Do not accept your sister's nasty as 'punishment'. Also dont jade about the incident if she trys to bring it up again.
I noticed a cycle that I would go through after being reactive to anger. First the guilt with ruminating over what I had said. Then discouragment and more ruminating about what I said. Finally depression that kept me awake at night ruminating that I must be a terrible person because of what I said.
None of this helped me to do better the next time.
I had an epiphany that I needed to forgive myself and show myself compassion. Once I started practicing this it changed everything for me.
Now the steps I take are as follows: I apologise to the person I hurt. I explain to them that my reaction was not their fault and is something I am working to improve. Then I work out what the trigger from the past was behind my disproportionate anger to the present, what else was I feeling at that time, and how would I handle it if I could have a do over. Then I form an intention that I will try to handle it the better way next time. And finally the most important step: I forgive myself and move on.
I would add that I do not feel that I need to try not to get angry. Anger is a normal human emotion we all experience. So of course you will get mad at your sister again. That will be perfectly normal. IMO
IME We need to learn to notice and name our emotions... observe what thoughts preceded and followed them. Ultimately the goal would be to CHOOSE a response instead of BE reactive.
I am a work in progress. I meditate daily. I devour any and all reading materials I can access. Recently I started watching jerry wise on youtube daily. I also get counseling once a month. And I AM STILL REACTIVE sometimes.
We all heal at different times, at different speeds, with different methods.
The most important thing is Roza is working on healing! Good job Roza! Im so happy that you have had the realization that you need to take care of yourself and that you are DESERVING of self care!

[Roza]

Peanutbutter, thank you for your kind insight and advice. I can only try to not react. I know NPD sister likes when I  react. Gives her ammo, well no more, yes I am changing,  to be good to myself first. Thank you for being there.