How to reconnect with my kids?

[SandorS@DEyes]

Now that I've moved out and we have (finally) agreed to a temporary visitation schedule I have a whole new list of concerns regarding my kids.  My three daughters (8, 7 and 3) will spend the majority of their time with their mother (uOCPD) and my therapist is really concerned about Parental Alienation and just generally nasty behavior on my ex's part.  His advice was to really focus on making my time with the kids quality time.  Also, because of my ex's need to control and a whole host of other reasons its been very hard for me to connect and bond with my kids at all.  So on the one hand I need to learn how to nurture and deepen my relationship with them and on the other I feel a little anxious because, for the first time I won't have her looking over my shoulder or correcting me.  When they're with me everyone will be free to just...be. 

If anyone has any resources or ways they have managed to maintain and strengthen the bond with their kids, both during and post-divorce, I'd really appreciate hearing it.  One major difficulty right now is that I moved back in with my parents and my sister is already there with my nephew.  Its a full house as is and I don't have my own "room", let alone one for the girls.  And it can be difficult when I have them because "my" time can quickly slip into "Family" time or "Grandma and Grandpa" time, and that's not what I want.  I just want to build a strong, healthy relationship with my girls and its even more important with the looming threat of her turning them against me or using them for her emotional needs.  My oldest just started therapy so I hope that will help.

[Penny Lane]

I recommend the books "Divorce Poison," "Coparenting with a Toxic Ex" and "Don't Alienate the Kids!"

All of them are very helpful but the last one has the most practical tips, in my opinion.

My biggest takeaway from these was that the most important thing the healthy parent can do is to instill critical thinking and problem solving skills in the kids. We do a lot of critical thinking questions. Even something as little as when you're watching tv "Do you think that character made a good decision?" "what do you think this commercial is trying to sell you?" When the kids fight we encourage them to problem solve rather than stepping in. When we have a household problem (like, a specific chore isn't getting done or there's some tension) we all sit down and try to brainstorm solutions, as opposed to the adults coming in and saying "this is how we will solve this."

Remember that quality time doesn't have to be Disneyland type stuff - and in fact, some of the most important parenting moments happen in the day to day. Run errands together, take a walk, play a board game, help them with homework, read them a book. Those are all really important bonding moments and often they'll open up to you when you're doing something else.

When they get mad - and they will, at you or their mom or the situation or each other or whatever - the attitude is "your feelings are ok but you need to express them appropriately." Don't tell them that they're not mad - tell them that you understand that they're mad and you want to hear more and, if they're ready for it, do some problem-solving. If they're not, help them figure out how to show their anger (punching a pillow, angry drawing, ripping up scrap paper, running as fast as they can up the street...)

Make sure to notice and appreciate them for THEM. What do they like, what are they good at? Laugh with them when they're being silly. Really SEE when they struggle to complete a task and then marvel in the accomplishment. Look at their drawings and describe them back to them.

I really think that if you can be strategic you can counteract alienation. It's not a sure thing and it's VERY hard, but it's doable.

I am so excited for you to have the chance to develop this new relationship with your kids! Good luck - and hopefully have fun!

[Blackbird11]

My parents divorced when I was young and my father was supposed to eventually get a house where I had a room but it never came to fruition. He had to live with a roommate the majority of my childhood, so while I could hang out at the apt I couldn't actually stay overnights.

That being said - my dad was great at creating quality moments. We never did anything pricey - he would take me to parks, zoos, museums, or McDonalads. Once a year he took me to a show - during the holidays. I always looked forward to it. He was always very present - engaged me in a lot of conversations - and never ever said a negative word about my uPDm. She, on the other hand, was really angry and tried to hold back as much as possible but she would get jealous of my time with him and bash him to me.

I started to realize something was up with my mom and would vent to my dad. He would explain what she had gone through in life (a lot if tough stuff) and that she probably had some issues. He told me to ignore most of her erratic behavior.

My dad wasn't perfect (and what parent is? I'm an imperfect parent myself) but he was a great example of kindness, empathy, and love that I needed during a crazy childhood.

I can already tell that you will do great because you care so much.

[Whatthehey]

All of the advice offered here is excellent and I can't really top it.  I can only offer a recent realization.

I am in a similar situation with adult children and one minor child.  What I realized with the adults is that they need time to come of the fog as well.  And with my minor DS he said he enjoys being with me because I am more relaxed now.  We talk, make dinner together and sit together while he does his homework.  Without the stress of my stbxOCPDh, I am a different person and able to be fully present for him.

Thats what your children and what they will learn over time if more important - that you are fully present for them.