When they are abusive and then pretend everything is fine

Started by AD, August 22, 2019, 02:18:39 PM

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AD

I was just reminded of when I lived with my parents and Pdf used to do this. He would have just gone off on me for something, been awful, emotionally abusive, and then afterwards, just walk around like he was in the best mood and acting friendly, like nothing had happened and everything was great.

I remember how angry it used to make me, as though I was supposed to forget what had just happened. Which I guess is the idea, that he was just trying to gaslight me? Or maybe a combination of that and....he was genuinely happy after exploding on his child?

Has anyone else experienced this?

Andeza

Yup. uBDPM would get mad at me for some perceived wrong, be verbally or physically abusive about it, then make me pretend I wasn't upset so she could go about her merry way. I wasn't allowed to be openly mad at her. I believe now that it was about supply. For the personality disordered individual, getting the desired response from someone, in this case extreme anger or hurt, is like a drug addict getting a hit. They need it for their high. Looking at it that way exposes how ridiculously sick it is, especially when the source is a defenseless minor. Of course, being defenseless minors at the time just meant we were a captive audience/easy target. Recognizing this fact helps me keep my boundaries strong.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

StayWithMe

This occurs quite often.  bullies of any age can mistreat someone and then offeer assistance to that person.  If the person has no other sources of support, well, they'll take it.

My mother has all sorts of toxic behaviors.  She'll assume I know something and then talk to me in baby talk or like an idiot until she's tired.  "Oh, I thought you knew that."  Quite often, she would assume that someone I met once or someone else in the family is someone I should know and remember.  Never mind also that one of her games was to have alternative names for everything. 

I learned to act as steadfastly uninformed as possible and learned to say flatly "I really don't know what you're talking about."  or just don't notice.It was about 20 years that I really worked on my communication skills ........ learning when not to react is an important skill. 

Amadahy

Yes. My Nmom would beat the crap out of me, out of the blue, then offer me a cookie. It was so damaging — I thought I was imagining things and did not trust my own judgment for many years. The "loving" attention was enough to keep me hopeful (for 47 years) that one day she could love me. Of course, that was not possible, so for three years I've been Out of the FOG to one degree or another, but it was excruciatingly difficult to give up the idea of a mom who loved me.  I'm very sorry you and others share this experience.
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

MyEyesROpen

I've experienced this behaviour more times than I care to remember. This is how I try to understand it.

Once the PD person has abused their victim and got their supply, they feel great. You get the rage explosion followed by the good mood. But because they have little or no empathy, they assume others feel the same way they do, so if you show hurt or anger or any other emotion following their abuse, they assume you're faking it because they don't feel that way themselves anymore.

My NM would tell me not to cry when I was a little girl. She'd tell me I was just doing it for attention, that I wasn't really hurt. Meanwhile she'd be laughing and smiling after tormenting me in some way. I quickly learned never to turn to her for comfort, never to react to her prods for supply and to avoid her as much as possible.

The only way to cope with such behaviour from a PD, is to not react.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who fill your cup, and those who drain it. —Joe Navarro

StayWithMe

There are accounts of parents who beat their children and then insist that they stop crying and smile.

all4peace

Yes, I have, as a child.

Now that I'm an adult, I see it as a venting of their rage. Once all that rage had gotten out (in the form of screaming or hitting me or my siblings), then they felt great. They were fine, we were heartbroken.

To this day, they seem to have little conceptualization of how their behavior impacts OTHERS. What they want is what they want, and there's little concept of "the other".