NPDm tattoo

[qwezrty]

Hey,

I really cannot cope and I just dont know what to do. I've finally decided to stop my studies for a few months with the plan to focus on my well being. This was a huge decision for me.

At the moment I'm a broken woman. I stay inside the house all day and only speak to my partner. I go to medical apps for my ms and type 1 but other than that I struggle to do anything else. The break from studies is to try to find things to help so i can go back feeling better. Although I'm tempted just to quit completely. It breaks my heart because I have a First BSc a Distinction MSc, publications etc. I was going somewhere but not anymore.

I reach a place in my head about my mother - I'm not going to see her and I will only speak minimally when I have to. But she is continuing to post me things and she sent me a picture which I think is a tattoo she recently got with a symbol for the nickname she used to call me. This is her first tattoo, I've got lots. So now she has a permanent piece of art on her body specifically about me. It feels like more manipulation to draw me in.

Every single time I make a tiny step forward she pulls me back. I just cannot cope. She would say I'm struggling because I'm not spending time with her etc but it's because of the fall out of all these years of narcisstic abuse. I feel so unwell, physically and mentally.

My brother left everyone and everything. He went without a trace. Whereas in this situation, I can't get any peace. She knows where I live, she has my number, she has my partners number.

She is so obsessed with me and has suffocated my life with her narcissism. She is now speaking to her sister who is blinded by it all. They think we shouldn't dwell on the past etc (even though my mother spent hours and hours and hours talking about the past to anyone who would listen). Onwards and up...what a joke. It doesn't last with mother, she will be nice for a while then go back to her usual ways.

I'm almost 30 and have spent the last 10 years being drowned by this. I just want my life back. I was succeeding at my life plans, now I'm so broken.

The stress has an enormous impact on my physical and mental health. Why cant she just leave it now. I'm not her property. I'm so fed up of feeling so awful .

[Malini]

Qwezrty, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much at the moment and have had to put such an important part of your life on hold and feel you cannot deal with the outside world.

I can relate. In the first months coming Out of the FOG, I struggled like you and stopped working and had to force myself to leave the house, mostly accompanied by DH or one of my sons. It's such a difficult place to be and I felt as if my past and my parents were ruining my life and that I'd never get it back again.

I needed to get control back over my life and feel as if I had choices and I began, step by step, to find ways to help me heal and move forward. For me, it began with some therapy and getting tools, even simple ones, like journaling, to help me deal with the Out of the FOG fallout. My folks live 5 mins away and have all my numbers, emails, those of my children, etc and they came out of the starting blocks fighting.

I realised I needed to regain control over their access to me and blocked their numbers, if I'd had FB, I'd have blocked them there too. At the moment, they can still email me but I choose if and when I want to read anything they send.

Perhaps you can start putting up some safety barriers for yourself so you're not dragged into your NMs world and can carve out a space of calm from which to start getting better. My Narents stalked me for years, and would appear at my home, I never opened the door to them and  I answered no phone calls (can't block a landline). It may sound insurmountable but it's definitely doable. They only have as much power over us as we give them.

You're not alone in this, and many others have found ways to regain control over their lives and to continue doing what they love. It sounds wise to take a break from studies and focus on your wellbeing when you're feeling so broken, but it doesn't mean it's forever.

It's really hard work to figure out what sort of relationship is possible when our Narents are so detrimental to our wellbeing but we have the power to decide how to take care of ourselves in the best possible way in order to reclaim our lives.

Take care.

[qwezrty]

Hi Malini,

Thanks for your reply and sharing your experiences – it is reassuring to hear that I am not the only one who has had to stop working to try and cope with this type of situation. It must have been very difficult with your Narents living so close.

Safety barriers sound like a good idea, I keep feeling very guilty for not explaining myself to her. I wonder if I even need to. She doesn't understand why I started cutting contact and stopped seeing her, but I knew if I tried to explain she would probably not listen.

Her latest tattoo further guilts me...she must love me to have done that...she doesn't have tattoos and they aren't her 'thing' but she did it for me...and on and on my mind goes

I keep feeling incredibly sad for her but I think I'm projecting my sadness onto her. The life of loneliness and despair that I spent so long thinking she had (because she told me she did), is actually the life I lead.

[athene1399]

My one emotionally abusive uPD b/f wanted to get a tattoo dedicated to me. It also was a symbol for the nickname he gave me. It was right around the time I had enough of his abuse. He even said "I'd still want this tattoo even if we breakup" like he knew it was going to happen. I defiantly think it was an attempt to reel me back in. "Look at how much you mean to me. I got a tattoo of something that symbolizes my nickname for you." IMO it was about guilt, trying to make me feel too bad to leave him.

I am sorry this happened. I agree that you explaining why you have lessened contact would just create more issues. She will either get defensive or just won't listen. It's best if you don't explain or make excuses. It's just how it is. No reason needs to be given.

This sounds so stressful. I am sorry. I hope things get better for you.

[Fortuna]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Dealing with the idea that your mom isn't a person that should be a solid piece of your life is heart-wrenching.

Take care of yourself. Block her, redirect stuff she sends so you don't have to see it until YOU feel ready to deal with it. Do the work with your therapist to set boundaries, formulate responses and such. Take this time off from your studies so you can come out on the other side a stronger, more independent person who is capable of dealing with whatever she throws your way.

I also found the book "will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride to be helpful in understanding what was going on and recognizing her behaviors. (And yes, I bet that tattoo is a big old Hoovering technique to get you to stay in the FOG.) Stay strong. You can do this.