Former father-in-law is now very ill

[Poison Ivy]

My ex-husband, who is his parents' caregiver, told me that his dad is in a nursing home because of a recent illness, probably temporarily.  His brain functions seem to be diminishing (i.e., some signs of dementia). Whatever is going on, I've realized that my former father-in-law probably is no longer capable of taking the types of actions and saying the types of things that caused me much distress and harm and contributed to the end of my marriage to his son.  I knew this time would come eventually.  Before it came, I thought I might feel guilty because of going low and then no contact; I thought I might feel happy (I know, shame on me).

But I feel neither.  Instead, my reaction is "that's too bad, life happens" and as though this person were a stranger, not my ex's dad. Overall, I guess, I feel some relief that I'm not expending any emotional energy on the matter (other than writing this post).  Has anyone else had a similar experience or a similar reaction?   

[DaisyGirl77]

Yes.  I have an auntie who's about 65 (I've long ago forgotten her exact age) who's battling ovarian cancer.  I'm more sympathetic to my cousins (her children) than I am to her.   I'm sad she's dealing with cancer, but I'm sadder for my cousins since they're having to deal with the fallout.  One's taken her into her home, driving her to appointments in a different state for treatment, & the other is dealing with the logistics of our grandmother (finding her an ASLF, packing up her belongings & selling things she can't take with her, etc.).

My level of emotional response is as you said:  Like my auntie's a stranger; like I'm not related to her & that we don't have this history.  This particular cancer she's got, I just found out, has a 95% cure/remission rate.

I'm curious to know if this will be my same reaction when my father's mother passes away.  Same for his brother.  (Story in my signature--they abused me horrifically when I was living with the woman trying to get her help.  They gave me PTSD instead.)

[WomanInterrupted]

I can speak from first-hand experience, Daisy.  Your mileage may vary - but I suspect it probably won't.

When I finally did believe unBPD Didi (my so-called mother) did have cancer and was actually in a Hospice facility, it felt like talking about somebody I'd met once or twice, because I was *just so over* the constant "medical emergencies" and faux-caaaaaaaaancer scares. 

Oh.  She got what she always wanted.  She's going to die.

I'd been hearing that one, my entire life, so I didn't feel bad - and felt no need to visit her, knowing she was just *itching* to rip me to pieces, while she still could. 

She died a couple of days later and the only thing I felt was *relief.*  Nothing but *relief.*  The Reign of Terror was over and there was nothing more she could do to screw with me - well, there was, but at least she wouldn't be there to smirk about it.   

She left me a Punishment Hoard, and unNPD Ray (the "dad") - now 85 and needing to be in a nursing home, but stubbornly refusing.  However, he wanted the stuff gone, so I took 4, 5 months to make that happen.

I *refused* to let Ray become dependent on me - hoard only, Dad - I can't make you lunch or do your laundry.  Hoard ONLY - you need to hire AIDES  for the other stuff  - and once the hoard was vanquished, went VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVLC with Ray. 

By not getting involved with him at all, he fell, *refused* to push his Life Alert, laid there long enough to get a grade-4 pressure ulcer (WAY to commit, Ray!  ), and instead of going over, I let the cops break in and APS pull rank, to have him taken to a hospital - he was declared incompetent, is in a memory care unit, and I've been NC for over 3 years. 

Again - it was like it happened to somebody I'd only met a few times, I really don't think about him all that much now that I KNOW nobody is going to come and put me in Bad Daughter Jail (a woman at the nursing home told me I was a GOOD DAUGHTER for making sure he got the care he needed, and not what he thought I owed him   ), and when he dies, it'll just be another day around here. 

The only thing I'll have to do is sign a few papers at the funeral home, and verify that YES, he's going right from the embalming table to his mausoleum with Didi - with no wake, service, funeral or burial ceremony.

From my own personal experience, you feel *lighter* knowing they're not still out there, trying to land on you like a house, in any way they possibly can, just to stick it to you, one last time, to see you hurt and possibly crying while they flash that inhuman smirk.

After Didi died, I did a Happy Dance around the house.  It was the first time I'd successfully tried and used boundaries, as well as Medium Chill and had taken *my* life back, without being consumed by her.  By being the last one breathing, I'd "won."  I'm still here, to live my life in the sun. 

When Ray dies, I'll probably just thank the nursing home for calling, and get back to whatever I was doing, without much fanfare. 

I joined this forum because of Didi and her black-hole of need and waifiness.  I've had a long time to get used to normal people behaving normally to normal boundaries we all use, every day, without having shit-fit about them.

I think that's a part of it, too - the longer you've been using boundaries and medium chill (living in the real world), the less effusive the reaction. 

It'll be just another day, sans Happy Dance - but the sense of relief and *gratitude* to this forum will be boundless.   

[Alexmom]

My MIL passed away last year, and my response was relief.  I had no positive emotional connection with her and had gone NC with her several years prior after almost 2 decades of dealing with meddling and disrespectful behavior on my IL's part.  However, my DH remained actively involved in her life and my FIL's life.  My MIL was terminally ill for the last five years of her life and suffered a lot the last 2 years of her life, partly due to my IL's stubborn and obstinate ways and refusal to listen to the docs - which was consistent with how they behaved.  As a human with compassion for other human beings, it was sad that my MIL had to suffer especially since there were some really good medical solutions to ease the suffering called hospice and pain relief, but I knew that nothing I thought or even said about this would matter as my IL's were always consistent in just doing what they wanted to do and steam rolling through life on their terms. 

I recall getting the call from my DH that my MIL finally passed, and I really had no reaction other than relief.   The challenge has been in supporting my DH who did feel this loss,  We have such different perspectives and experiences when it comes to my MIL, so I mostly say nothing and just listen if he brings her up which is very seldom.   My MIL is gone now and every day that goes by I think about her less and less which brings me peace. 

[NotFooled]

I feel like that currently.  No emotional feeling toward my OCPDMIL or uPDBIL.  DH and I underwent allot of stress the past couple of years dealing with them  when FIL was going through latestage alzheimers.  After he passed I flat out stopped caring about his Mom and brother.  It sounds bad but I can't help feeling the way I feel.  DH still wants to stay in OCPDM life and help manager her finances but I think he's doing it  more of obligation to his father. 

Honestly it's hard to care about such damaged people and it's incredibly stressful to stay in their lives.