BPDsister living in dead parents rental

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Hi all,
I have been NC with FOO for over 12 months and with my BPDsister for 4 years since she set in motion police action against our enabling father and broke his life apart. 12 months ago enabling father died. BPDsister was called to say good bye on his death bed then she was named as the executor of the will and I saw her at the funeral. He died in poverty so I just walked away from the entire fiasco. I loved my father and on his death we had a good relationship that I can take with me into the rest of my life. A gift greater than gold given my FOO dysfunction.

So the situation that I want to share is this: Enabling father was living in a friends rental property. I (stupidly) looked up my BPDsis social media and it looks as if she has moved into dead enabling fathers house - considering she tore his life apart I find this so disturbing. I finding the idea of her living in his old house surrounded by his stuff really disturbing considering he lived in poverty and haunted the house rather than lived for his final years. (Also her husband is wealthy enough to provide other options). The house was a rental she never lived there.

Why would someone make a decision to live in the house of the parent whose life she destroyed? It is possibly the first time I have considered how truely terrible it must be to a BPD person. I grew up with her insane behaviour so was always embroiled in the middle of the drama. This time I simply have one piece of information and I'm totally bamboozled with living there.

[bloomie]

Drawing_boundaries - anything we come up with as to "why" this inexplicable move is purely speculation and at the end of the day your father was harmed and you are grieving his loss and all he went through. I am so sorry!

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Thanks Bloomie. I really should not have looked and wish I didn't.
I must focus on my own life moving forward. It is hard at time because I still want to understand the BPD reaction but I don't think I can - from my sisters behaviour I just see it as endless drama and for me that would be mystery.
Thanks

[WomanInterrupted]

Hi DB,

I'm sorry about your father, but I'm really glad you're focusing on yourself and staying out of the drama your sister seems to thrive on. 

I had an unBPD "Didi" - the so-called mom.  I've done a *lot* of reading on this subject, because I just couldn't get my head around how anybody could be so...so...so...messed up!   

And I wanted to know *why* and how* - because I just didn't *understand* and *needed something tangible* - proof that I really wasn't the crazy one.   

If you want reasons, I may be able to provide some, just to put your mind at ease, and give you a better understanding of why your decision to walk away and stay out of it is the  smartest, healthiest, and most sane thing you can do for yourself and your FOC.   

Everything from here on out is IME, or IMO.  It's my general overview  and I am not a doctor - I just play one on TV. 

1.  They are empty vessels.  There is *no* sense of self.  I've heard it called a "cocktail personality" where they smoothly dovetail from situation to situation, and charm everybody - but when they get home and are alone, they FREAK, because they really have no sense of who they are, or what they like - which may explain a lot of hoarding tendencies (just from what I've seen on Hoarders, Hoarding:  Buried Alive, and my own personal experience with unBPD Didi's hoard.)

They *think* they like something, so that's it!  That's all it's going to be until they HATE it, and it will be something else, all over again  - with all the stuff they thought they loved either discarded or shoved away in corners - including *people.* 

2.  They are full of RAGE.  The RAGE - it's just there, crackling and bubbling under that carefully-constructed mask of charm and smiles - but it's a simmering caldera, just waiting to unleash, usually at the most inappropriate times, for the most inconsequential of offenses, such as spilling milk, "looking" at them funny, or any other real or imagined slight or wound they perceive.

3.  They hold GRUDGES for freaking EVER.  Didi - in her 70's - was *still* angry that a girl in middle  school (the 1930's) wore the same blouse she did, on the same day, and got more attention, which WAS NOT FAIR!

Didi used to bring it up, often - how DARE she!?  "She knew I liked the same boy!  SHE got all the attention, and THAT'S NOT FAIR!  I hate her, to this day!  My life might have been a LOT different if she hadn't worn the same blouse!"   

Um...because she can't read your bloody MIND!   

4.  Which brings me to everybody owes them something, life is unfair, they were cheated and robbed, and somebody will PAY - which also goes back to the RAGE.

Yes...you have to stand in line at the DMV.  It sucks, and we all do it - but Didi  was a Special Little Snowlflake and the rules did not apply to her.  Somebody could do it FOR her.  Somebody could FIX it for her!  But nobody WANTED TO and that *just wasn't fair!*  SOMEBODY should do it FOR her!  The law should be changed, just for HER!   

5.    Yes, we're on to entitlement now - you're driving her home and she says she has to stop at the drug store for five minutes, which turns out to really be 3 hours, with her looking at every single thing in the store, while the driver becomes more and more impatient (this happened not only to me, but any other person who drove Didi anywhere - for years, she refused to drive, because she was too "anxious" about it, but it was really a control tactic - read on)  and the driver mentions needing to be home.

Didi would turn around and growl, "Don't RUSH me!" - and take another hour, before making useless purchases of things she didn't need, trying to somehow fill that super-massive black hole of emptiness and neediness inside her - then *make you feel like she was doing you a favor in *allowing* her to take YOU shopping and you'd BETTER seem appreciative!*   

I know how messed up this sounds, but I've lived it.  She had a way of making you feel grateful for standing around, 4 hours, watching her shop and maybe she'd ALLOW you to do it again - by not treating you like garbage and pretending to be your friend.

6.  The DRAMA!  OMFG!  The DRAMA!  Everything is DRAMA - especially if it isn't!  If it IS dramatic or happens to another person, it's probably low-key and pretty normal and I don't know why a dramatic problem wasn't exploited for all its worth, but again IME, they weren't.

Serious problems *were not discussed* - they just weren't.  If a high-drama problem (a caaaaaaaancer scare) became a non-problem (not cancer) or a REAL problem (terminal cancer) it just wasn't brought up.

But the neighbors putting up a "spite fence" (privacy fence, and wouldn't you, with Didi as a neighbor!?) - the END OF THE WORLD! 

The neighbors would have a cookout, so Didi and unNPD Ray (the enabling "dad") would sit out on the porch and STARE at them until the neighbors went inside - and later offered them plates of food, which Didi would REFUSE because they didn't make anything she could eat, and I'd hear about that for HOURS. 

They were SO rude!  SO uncaring!  So unthinking of others! 

I know the neighbors.  They're nice people.  They went through this many times and nobody wanted to say anything, but they admitted to me that they all wanted to verbally lacerate her, but it wouldn't have been worth her overly-melodramatic reaction, or the problems Didi would cause in the neighborhood.

Maybe they should have - and I would have gotten to hear about how much MORE of a victim she was, other than having food brought and served to her, which she refused to eat.   

7.  They must CONTROL everything - couching it in being concerned, caring, or loving you - or just plain coming out and telling you you're a blithering idiot, you don't know what you're doing and THEY will be making all the decisions from now on - but only decisions that will benefit THEM,  put you at a loss, be to your detriment, or may be  outright malicious  or dangerous to your life. 

The more it hurts you, the better they feel.  It goes back to RAGE.  You deserve it!  You owe them!  You will suffer and you will PAY for all the wrongs you've visited upon them, and dammit, they WILL get their pound of flesh - even if it means you  get seriously ill or die, because *you obviously deserve it.*

I could go on for pages and pages and pages, but this post is already  FAR too long, so I'll wrap  it up with the most important thing you need to know.

8.  The B in Borderline  Personality stands for BORDERLINE PSYCHOTIC PERSONALITY. 

Thank you, Pseudonym - who also has an unBPD mom - for THAT very clarifying gem.   

It's true.  Her behavior is borderline psychotic.  Normal from time to time, nearly psychotic at others, especially if she doesn't get her way, her plans fall through (due to NO fault of her own, of course!   ), others can't meet her expectations, she has impossible standards, nothing makes her happy, she can't make herself happy, she doesn't even know what she wants and expects others to *fill that void for her* - and she's just an endless black hole of take, take, take, take, take  - but nothing is ever good enough, right enough, fine enough, happy enough.   

If it IS, she'll find fault with it within five minutes, and you're back to scratching your head and scrambling to figure out what she really wants  - when she expects you to read her mind and just KNOW, and you're a complete fuck-up because you either *can't* or *won't.*

True  story:

Didi called and said, "I should be able to just ring a bell at you, on the phone, and you'd know EXACTLY what I want."

I said, "If you call and ring a bell at me, I'll be changing my number." 

She said, "Of COURSE I'd tell you what I want!"

I said, "If you ever ring a bell at me, I'll change my number, go dark, and you'll never hear from me again." 

She then said I had no sense of humor, I needed to lighten up  - and tried to launch into a story about her "health"  - which I shut down with Medium Chill.  ("You need to call your doctor.")   

She slammed the phone down on me.  She did that a LOT, with Medium Chill, because I wasn't playing into her delusions and fantasies, where I'd magically figure out what she needed or wanted - the THING that would make her life PERFECT and she's be HAPPY - I'd given up, thrown in the towel, and had no more F's to G.

I'm very glad you have no more F's to G, too. 

But now you have something to *try* to comprehend - and spit out as illogical. 

If you'd like, take the post out for a spin, process it with what you've seen and experienced, and hopefully you'll come up with the same answer I did:  I have NO idea  of WTF I am dealing with, so it's best just to leave her alone and let her do her thing, without any involvement on my part.   

She's got her reasons - none of which will make sense to any of us grounded in what most  of us call, "Reality."

She can just rock with them, while you live your life in the sun - and if you haven't already, block her number, so you don't have to hear any more of it. 

You've already been through MORE than enough!

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Thank you WomanInterrupted for sharing so much of your experience. I am sorry you have been treated like this in your life. It is not ok.

1.  They are empty vessels.... 

2.  They are full of RAGE.... 

3.  They hold GRUDGES for freaking EVER....

4.  Which brings me to everybody owes them something...

5.    Yes, we're on to entitlement now....

6.  The DRAMA!  OMFG!  The DRAMA!  Everything is DRAMA....

7.  They must CONTROL everything - couching it in being concerned, caring, or loving you....

8.  The B in Borderline  Personality stands for BORDERLINE PSYCHOTIC PERSONALITY. 

In each and everyone of these points I could give examples just as you did... number 6 & number 3 in particular. I'm just going to keep on keeping on. Just thinking about the amount of drama she has hooked me into in my life makes me want to throw a little party for one that I am not living in that house, or that painful drama cycle anymore

I still wish I had not looked at her social media - the lesson here is to really be NC I need not to know anything more... no more snooping.

[WomanInterrupted]

I forget who it was, but one wise poster used to quote Stephen King:  "Peep not through keyholes, lest ye be vexed."

That includes social media.  You *really* don't want to know what they get up to, or what they're saying to others. 

I know it's *tempting* - and I've done it.  I stopped doing it when I saw a picture of a cousin I hadn't seen in over 30 years.

She's a really wonderful woman, but she had a GREAT mom, and loved her dearly.  We had a call when Didi was in the hospital, and I asked my cousin  to run everything through me, instead of calling Didi - I *tried* explaining that her mother (Didi's younger sister) getting more attention *dying from CANCER* was MORE than Didi could bear, so she had to *upstage* her and be admitted for Makeitupitis, again, some more - but my cousin didn't understand.  Nothing I said resonated except, "That look that would burn you to cinders!"

Yes, it WOULD!  But that was all "Penny" would allow, other than Didi was unique and special, in her own way. 

Frankly, I'd call her a living nightmare, and a waste of oxygen and resources, that the rest of us could use, but I digress. 

I looked up my cousin on social media - there, staring back at me, was Didi's face, right down to the same hairstyle she had in the 80's! 

I *know* my cousin isn't Didi and is nothing like her, but I just can't look at that face without getting creeped out AF!   

Thank you for saying it's not okay for Didi to have treated me like this - but she's dead.  And I'm not.  I have the final word, and can live my life in the SUN, free of FOG. 

So can YOU - as long as you peep not through keyholes.  You don't need any vexing. 

It's *interesting* to see it all laid out, in a way that makes sense  - but makes NO sense, at the same time.  This is what you're up against, and there's no way to fix it, cure it, help,  and many times do anything other than walk away and save yourself.

That's why I did so much research - I had to be *certain.*  I had to *know* I wasn't just giving up on a stubborn old lady, set in her ways, who required more patience than I had to give.

It  *wasn't* me - and it's not  *you* - and that's where the three C's come in:  I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. 

But we can *thrive* without it. 

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I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. 

But we can *thrive* without it. 

Thank you!
No more peeping & I am going to double down on their ability to find anything out about it. I'm VERY boring so it shouldn't be too hard but I just have to make use I stay that way online.

I dont even want to talk to people who have known her about her behaviour (most have seen the crazy making) because it is just an endless cycle of talking about being hurt, asking why is she that way and it is tiring.

I lost my mother early in life - she seemed like a uBPD and I am glad she didn't get her hooks into my adult life. A BPD sister is bad enough - I'm glad you are free from your Didi's grip