sigh..., custody evaluators believe uocpdstbxh

[sevenyears]

  Hi everyone. Haven't been here for a while, except a bit of lurking now and then. Took a break over the summer, but am back now. Had another meeting with the GAL/custody evaluator (I think CE is the better translation term) - no steps forward and two steps back. They will recommend to the judge to maintain joint custody (expected), keep the 50/50 parenting plan (excepted, but hoped for better), and give uocpd stbxh something called "decision-making authority" (unexpected since they had told me last spring they would recommend that for me). They want to keep the 50/50 arrangement because it is "working" in their view. I have no proof that stbxh is angry and controlling, and the children aren't showing signs of duress. Actually, they are, but I have no proof since he denies it and says that there are no problems when they are with him.  I told them that the children are showing signs of stress, and that stbxh speaks negatively about me in front of them. Their response - he shouldn't do that.  But, he does! And, then denies it. After meeting stbxh last spring, the custody evaluators said they would recommend that I have decision making responsibility in order to support me vis a vis stbxh. Now, one of the CEs is new. After doing the home evals, where stbxh was FOTY, stbxh was able to convince him that I am a "flight risk" and that I will try to move with the children back to my country of origin - which is so absolutely untrue. Unfortunately, the CE bought into stbxh's manipulations hook, line and sinker.   Now, I just have to wait for their report and recommendations, and then decide whether to pursue changing the parenting plan, which is very unlikely, or accept it. 

[Penny Lane]

 

So sorry. This sounds so stressful.

So, does the case move forward no matter what? Or can you just drop it and leave things as-is?

[sevenyears]

Penny Lane - Idk is the short answer. I feel like this is a chess game, or a game of battle ship at this point. If the CEs make recommendations that are favorable to me, stbxh will certainly object to them, and then we'll have to fight it out in court. If the CEs make recommendations that are unfavorable to me, I can object to them and fight it out in court, or I can accept them. Even if they are unfavorable to me - meaning favorable to him - I suspect he will find a way to get me to take him to court. This has been his MO so far.

[Penny Lane]

That's so frustrating. I'm so sorry. Hang in there.

[athene1399]

I am sorry, Seven. Especially when the last CE had you believing they would recommend you have decision-making authority, then the new one does the opposite. I guess the good news is they aren't recommending you lose any time. I guess the best thing you do is continue to document in case this does go to court (which you feel it is). Maybe ask your lawyer what evidence you would have to present to show that you are not a flight risk and that you should be the decision-making authority. For example, maybe you have evidence that shows your ex is impulsive and doesn't have a stable home life. Maybe you can have a T or teacher that will say he/she notices the kids seem stressed when they come in from a night with dad. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. 

[sevenyears]

Thanks Athene, I don't know what else I can do to prove that I'm not a flight risk. My life is here, the children's life is here. One of my children is a foster child - her legal custody is with the state. I can't move abroad with her without their permission. I just signed a long-term lease for a new apartment, and want to buy the old apartment. I just had a kitchen built into the new place. I bought a new car (almost new!) and have a job where I can stay until I retire. Meanwhile, he tells the children all sorts of damaging lies, which I can't prove because he denies it and there are no witnesses. Last week, the children were angry with me because, according to his lies, I went into papas house and turned off the freezer so there would be no food when they came back from vacation. He told the children that people from my COO are dangerous. So when I show pictures of grandparents to DS4, he says that their place is dangerous! When DS4 has a meltdown about something and has his pacifier, uocpd stbhx, grabs it away from him and yells that he doesn't have one at my place. When I report that to the CEs, they ask how I know what the children are telling me is accurate, and then say only that stbxh shouldn't do that. Meanwhile, the CEs now believe that I am selfish because I postponed a dr appt for DS that stbhx didn't tell me about so that I could be there. It's all so frustrating.

That's why I really appreciate all the insights from those of you who have been there. You get it and understand, and have good advice.

[xredshoesx]

whatever you can do to play up on what you are doing to show a 'permanent' commitment to the area you are living in/ plan to stay in seems the best way to go.  why would someone who is a flight risk be getting a mortgage???  keep making those positive ties to the community any way you can!

my uPD mother was A W A R D  winning at the MOTY role.   the best you can do is to continue to document document document.  how is the transition been for the kids in school?  that may be a place where their stress shows the most-

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Sevenyears!

I know how horrible the family bashing is, and how frightening when you feel like the children will believe it.  This happened with my SKs when I first met them, BM told them horrible things about my MIL.  DSD came back saying how "MIL is evil", and DH said, "Why do you say that?" and she said, "She just is" and he asked, "what about her is evil?", and her 5 year old mind thought for a second and said, "Maybe it's her hair".  She was just repeating what she had heard, and as terrifying and sad it is to hear it, just continue to reinforce the good. 

Has your ex been to your COO?  I would counter with things like, "I'm not sure why he would think that,  I really loved my country growing up, and here are some of the things that were really wonderful...."  Just continually push back with good...about your COO about your family....be the positive light.  As I recall, your children are quite young- they can't really process all of this yet, so I think calm, positive responses are the best way to go.  They will get it.

[athene1399]

Just continually push back with good...about your COO about your family....be the positive light.

I think this is a good idea. Be a positive role model. Don't argue with what they are saying, but later on talk about positive things about where you are from and your family. As they get older, the kids will be able to create their own opinions instead of just repeating what stbx is saying. You can even ask questions, like about the freezer "How could I get into papa's house to shut off the freezer? I don't have a key." or "why would I do that? That sounds mean." or something like that. They will eventually figure out that what is being said about you and how you are are two different things.

We do something similar with SD. BM has it in her head that SO has a temper. So when SD said she was afraid to tell him because she thought he would yell at her he just responds with "Have I ever yelled at you?" and she says no. It gets better, but it takes a lot of time.

[sevenyears]

Stepping, Athene, I hope it works over time. Right now, it seems like everytime I turn around he is telling them some BS, and I have to do damage control. I do work on being a positive role model and present everything in a positive light and neutrally. But he still manages to do damage. The house is still in both our names, and I contributed to rent (until recently). I always let him know in advance that I plan to enter it. He hates that and I think he is  trying to intimidate me so that I won't go in any more. After one visit, he told the children that I had no business being there and that "cleaned out the house," while they were gone. After the transfer, the children accused me of stealing things. This time, I was in the house. When the children told me that, I told them that I didn't turn off the freezer and asked them what they had for dinner that night. I also told them there seems to be another misunderstanding between daddy and me, and suggested that, when either parent says something mean about the other or is angry at him/her that both children can say, "stop, I don't want to hear that" or "stop, I love both of you." DD7 says it's not possible to say that because daddy yells at her to shut up.

I will do more PR for my COO.  Stbxh refused to let me take them to the most recent traditional event. Before that, he made us as miserable as possible whenever I took the children to one when we were still together because he insisted on going with us.

[athene1399]

You may feel helpless at times, but you are doing a lot to help your kids out IMO. You are supporting them emotionally, you are a positive role model, you are honestly answering their questions in an age appropriate way, and you are giving them advice on how to let dad know they don't like what he is saying. You can't control what he says in response to that, but you gave them good advice.

hopeful you have everything out of the house so you don't have to go back again. Then he can't make up anything else, or blame you for anything that goes wrong in the house.

I hope things start to get better the longer you are away from him. I hope the court can see through his lies as well.