Avoidance

[Call Me Cordelia]

So I've avoided my neighbor since he screamed at me publicly last week. I don't like to go out on the front porch anymore because even before this incident he had a habit of popping out on his own porch once he saw I was out there with a cup of coffee or a book and starting a conversation, or if the kids were playing out there he would go on his porch and watch them. Our porch has basically been empty for the last week. I've encouraged the kids to play in the back.

DH says I'm letting myself be controlled by my fear and I can't live my life that way. But just going on the porch is triggering... the incident last week was super similar to how my father would talk to me ALL THE TIME. Right down to the sneering, contemptuous way this man said my name. It was seriously re-traumatizing. And it's only a week out. If I was to relax with a book, it's not going to happen where an abusive person could pop up at any moment. DH says I simply have to toughen up. Claim my right to my own space. Don't let him get to me.

I think this man is a likely predator. So why would I knowingly put bait in his view and have the neighborhood kids playing right there? The other parents do not make their kids play in the back. And I let them play in other people's yards, but I really am funny about our own front yard now.

What do you think? How do I best take care of myself and kids? I don't think I'd be this scared forever but I don't feel ready and I feel ashamed of my fears.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I should add there have been some passive-aggressive things done over the last week. "Kindly" left poison control information with a note for us (Wtf?) and sarcastically wishing my husband a "God-blessed day," as he was leaving for work.

[Amadahy]

I'm so sorry! I think you are acting wisely. It only seems out of proportion because this guy has a perv vibe and that's not normal or fixable by exposing you or your children to him. Don't feel shame — feel proud that you are a superb mama bear and also taking care of yourself.  Best wishes and I hope this guy settles down.

[clara]

This definitely seems like a "trust your gut" scenario and I think you're behaving wisely as well. Has he stopped coming out now that you're not?  If this is the case, he definitely was coming out to engage with you.  If that engagement has been negative, then that's just what he was looking to do--it serves some need in him and you don't need to be his supplier.  Some people like to start trouble then deny what they're so obviously doing.  It's not a problem you can address in any rational way because it doesn't have a rational cause.  It's a real shame you can no longer enjoy your porch, but you have to deal with what's going on which isn't a situation you caused. Hopefully, with minimal, low contact he'll lose interest and start leaving you alone.  He may also be under the influence of drugs or alcohol (a friend recently had some run-ins with a neighbor who was for many years a good neighbor, and she found his shift in behavior peculiar then found out he'd become a drug addict, which is why I mention that possibility). 

[11JB68]

That poison control thing sounds really creepy to me, somewhat alarming imo.

[Fortuna]

That poison control thing sounds really creepy to me, somewhat alarming imo.

This might be worth keeping notes on so you've got a chain of documentation if anything escalates.

[Sydney16]

Just wanted to say Ican sort of relate with my neighbour situation.

I try to go with my feelings. My neighbour gives me a really anxious feeling whenever I see her. Even when my mind will berate me and i try to ground myself in the present and protect myself.

[SerenityCat]

Keeping a log sounds very wise. You can take notes on what happens and also keep anything the neighbor leaves on your property.

Jotting things down on a list might help you then get on with your day, you'll know that you don't have to remember everything then.

Listen to your instincts. I've been in a similar situation and I had to learn how to do this calmly. I'm still learning how to be aware, in tune with my instincts, without ramping up too much unhelpful anxiety.

One thing I practice is distracting myself. Once I know that I am safe at the moment, I work to calm myself, and I divert my attention so that I don't get hyper-vigilant.

If conversation with your DH about this is producing even more anxiety, you might want to let that mostly go. He might not be helpful with this so instead you can focus on what he is helpful with.

You don't need to be ashamed of your fears. Fear can be a gift. Call the police if you need help, they want to protect and serve us.

Hopefully this neighbor will lose interest.

[NotFooled]

The Poison control thing sounds really scary to me.  I would definitely keep my guard up.  Also if you have pets I would keep my eye on them as well.

[Wilderhearts]

DH says I'm letting myself be controlled by my fear and I can't live my life that way. But just going on the porch is triggering... the incident last week was super similar to how my father would talk to me ALL THE TIME. Right down to the sneering, contemptuous way this man said my name. It was seriously re-traumatizing. And it's only a week out. If I was to relax with a book, it's not going to happen where an abusive person could pop up at any moment. DH says I simply have to toughen up. Claim my right to my own space. Don't let him get to me.
.......

What do you think? How do I best take care of myself and kids? I don't think I'd be this scared forever but I don't feel ready and I feel ashamed of my fears.

I think that we need some time away from sources of trauma and retraumatization before we can come back stronger and ready to deal with the threat.  After being retraumatized by a PD'd roommate and moving out, I have difficulty even going back to the neighbourhood where we lived.  However, I feel much safer when other adults are with me.  It makes it easier to respond using deflection and then redirect my attention (i.e., it's easier to disengage from the pwPD).  Would using the porch with someone you trust, who recognizes the situation (and your neighbour) for what it is, who can support you?  I also find those menacing behaviours - like the contemptuous sneering - don't happen in the presence of others, because the pwPD does actually know how awful and threatening the behaviour is, so they'll only do those things when they have you isolated.  And this man sounds extremely menacing.

I think as survivors of PD abuse, we're much more attuned to the level of threat pwPD can pose.  Also, having been previously traumatized by PD abuse, any pwPD can retraumatize us.  When I was retraumatized, another Out of the FOG user said retraumatization can be so painful because it's like both abusers are in the room, heaping abuse on us.  It's so damaging.  Maybe your DH hasn't experienced this kind of trauma or retraumatization.  Even if he has the best of intentions, it sounds like he's minimizing it, possibly because he doesn't know how else to support you.  Maybe figure out for yourself what you need from him (read on the porch with you, and also grey rock your neighbour?) and ask for it.  And in the meantime, you have every reason to protect yourself, even if that means avoidance and withdrawal.

Yes, your neighbour is absolutely trying to control you with fear.  Maybe ask yourself how much power he has to actually harm you, outside of triggering/retraumatizing you.  I think pwPDs do the most damage to us by activating old patterns - you've been primed to read between the lines to hear subtle threats, and he's taking advantage of that to intimidate you in subtle ways that others wouldn't pick up on, causing you to alter your behaviour.  Could he really get away with hurting your family?  Or does he just want you to believe that?

[TurkeyGirl]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. This is in no way your fault, and how you're feeling about it either. "Just toughen up" isn't an option. If it were, you'd already done it. It is in no way possible to explain this to someone who hasn't experienced it.

I would say, though, it's a shame this jackass has control over your life. It might be wise to let him know he can't get to you, by maybe ignoring him completely. Put headphones on and even if he approaches you, pretend he's not there. It might give you extreme anxiety inside at the moment, but it'll teach him to back off over time.

Don't know what it is you've tried already, but I wish you all the piece you can get. You got this!

[JenniferSmith]

If you have serious concerns about the safety of your children (or yourself), perhaps consider going in to your local police department and give them this person's name and address. Tell them that while he has not done anything that breaks the law, you are feeling concerned about his on-going pattern of behavior.  At the very least, it will trigger a report about him.  Also, have you checked the sex-offender registry in your area to see if he is on it?

If you're up for it, you could try to dig up more information on him yourself.  There are so many ways to dig up info on people on-line now.

I do think it is important to reclaim your space. Would your husband go out on the porch with you and the kids? Maybe have coffee together out there.   You can decide to act in spite of how you feel... the classic "fake it till you make it".  Imagine how a very confident/assertive person would act in this situation, when they are outside, and then try an experiment where you act like that person. Even if you don't feel it on the inside, you need to act in ways that make you appear confident and unafraid to this neighbor.

Have you talked about your concerns with other neighbors? Maybe you can find some who are supportive, and ask them to bring their kids over for visits to play in your front yard. This would be another "claim your space" behavior while also feeling support - show your neighbor that you have friends and family around frequently.

In the other thread I mentioned putting a security camera on the front of the house, or a doorbell camera. This type of technology is very affordable now, and this seems like a situation that would warrant it.

best wishes!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hey thank you all for the support and ideas. We're getting a camera. I'm also proud to report that we definitely reclaimed our space today. We had guests and other neighbors visiting casually for most of the afternoon, in front and back.

I don't think I'm over the fear but I felt much better when I had lots of safe-feeling people around me.

I did look at the sex offender registry and nothing there.

I will be ok. I still have some fears but I'm telling myself that's reasonable and understandable given what I've been through there, and I'm building up my coping skills and support network. Even if I don't directly convince neighbors of anything in this situation, building positive relationships helps keep everyone safer. A neighbor girl was talking to my small kids about something sad and scary that had just happened in the news today, and I did stop her and said that if she needs to talk about that it's best she speak to her mom or dad. Her mom heard me and said she appreciated how I handled that. So bringing good boundaries to the neighborhood lol. Thanks again.

[TurkeyGirl]

 

You're doing it! You can be very proud of yourself.

[JenniferSmith]

That is great news!! Way to go!!

Socially dysfunctional people like your neighbor tend to look for people they can intimidate. By having your neighbors around and using your front yard, you're giving him the signal that you're not going to be an easy mark.   Glad to know you're getting a camera too. Hopefully he'll be able to see it from his place so he knows its there!