Friend calls after six months of ghosting

[Adria]

Six months ago, we sold our home and bought a different one.  My best friend's daughter is a realtor. We were going to use her, except that when we wanted to put our house on the market, she was kind of flaky, wanted to price it way too low, it was just strange.  Anyway, another realtor we knew told us of a house that would be coming on the market and we could have first chance at it.  We jumped at it with this other realtor because she had the out of country connections of the owners of this house, and also she offered us a large some of money to list both houses with her. 

Anyway, my friend emailed me and said, "I saw a sign in your yard. I'm sorry you're moving. Where are you going."  It was a bait to get me to explain myself.  I told her what happened, and I never heard from her again. She was obviously punishing me for not using her daughter as our realtor. 

Yesterday, I got a phone call from friend.  I didn't answer, let it go to voicemail.  She said, "I haven't heard from you in awhile. Just wondered if you like your new house.  By the way, I met a friend in London. She is an author and can't find anyone to proof her new transcript.  Was thinking maybe you would like to help us out." 

I have grieved our friendship and deemed it over. What do I do with this call?  I'm so tired of people calling me when they need something. When I call her for support, I get, "Poor Adria."  Do I let it go. Or call back?  I don't want to go into explanations about the house anymore than I have.  Obviously, earlier my explanation didn't suffice. She was my best friend for many years.  Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Hazy111]

Just dont answer, they will get the message. Move on. Is she really a friend?

[NotFooled]

If you do decide to return her call I would just let her know that your not doing work for free anymore or you got too much other stuff going on to help out.  Otherwise I might just let that friendship go and not call back. 

I have a friend that has been ghosting me off and on for years.  I've finally decided to stop initiating contact, but have decided that the door is open, if he initiates the contact and if it entails something sociable that DH and I are both interested in doing.  But DH and I are no longer in the business of being used by others. 

[bloomie]

Adria - recently someone mentioned to me how long they accepted neglectful friendships in their lives as a result of having been raised by neglectful parents. It was a really helpful conversation for me, because I have cooperated the same way with certain friendships for many long years until... I recognized how much it was damaging me and I am doing the work to grieve those relationships and stop offering the best of myself to those who are not trustworthy and consistent in relationship with me.

You and I have every right to hold an expectation in a long-standing, close friendship of a reasonable level of reciprocity and interest in keeping the relationship going.

Some trade on our caring hearts and willing spirits, like may be happening here with this person who has ghosted you since her daughter didn't get the listing on your home.

Not picking up and then not responding is a great combo message that you are no longer open for business, especially as you have worked through the pain of this already.

If not responding doesn't feel right for some reason - maybe we share a larger friend group and will have some ongoing contact for example, I have learned to find a less emotionally intensive way of politely responding in MC fashion to a "friend" suddenly remembering me when they want something.

If that resonates for you, texting or emailing a short acknowledgment of the VM: "we are doing well thank you..." ignoring the request for free editing services for someone else     seems cool, polite and possibly a low risk middle ground.

I am sorry for the loss of this friendship and the pain that this has brought.

[Hazy111]

"friend" suddenly remembering me when they want something.

How many can relate to that.   

[Adria]

Hazy111,
Good question. Not so sure anymore.

Kieveen,
I like that you said, "Not doing work for free anymore."  Yup, I think she wants to use me to be the hero in her new friend's eyes.

Bloomie,

recently someone mentioned to me how long they accepted neglectful friendships in their lives as a result of having been raised by neglectful parents.

Oh, my. . . there's a thought. Interesting.

It's sad because she has been a wonderful mentor and spent a lot of time with me on a project I was working on (actually a couple of years) of something that was very important to me. So, in a way, I feel like I owe her, and she has let me feel that way. But, I have since repaid her many times over, and I have pretty much lost that feeling of debt to her.  It's just that she really did do something extraordinarily great for me some years ago. Above and beyond what anyone would do.

If that resonates for you, texting or emailing a short acknowledgment of the VM: "we are doing well thank you..." ignoring the request for free editing services for someone else     seems cool, polite and possibly a low risk middle ground.

I like that as well. May be I might feel better doing that.

Thank you everyone for you caring thoughts. I really appreciate it.  Hugs, Adria

[Latchkey]

It's sad because she has been a wonderful mentor and spent a lot of time with me on a project I was working on (actually a couple of years) of something that was very important to me. So, in a way, I feel like I owe her, and she has let me feel that way. But, I have since repaid her many times over, and I have pretty much lost that feeling of debt to her.  It's just that she really did do something extraordinarily great for me some years ago. Above and beyond what anyone would do.

I have had a number of such kind of friendship situations slowly go south. I also get hung up on how to balance the bad with the good. The mentor gets something in the transaction as you might call it in this case otherwise they would not have engaged in the first place. I am sure as you have been a mentor yourself, here, among other places, where you would not expect someone to put up with rude behavior or keep paying back an unspoken debt that also benefited your friend. Obviously you are talented because she is now trying  to get back in with you.

[Adria]

Thank you Latchkey,

You are right. She always said she got more out of it than I did.  Hmmm . . .  Didn't think about it that way.  Also, thank you for the compliment.  I guess it's hard to see your own gifts as anything special, so easy to be exploited, huh?

[Latchkey]

Adria,
It's easier for us to see it in others before we see it in ourselves.

Latchkey

[Adria]

Update:

I emailed her like what was suggested by Bloomie.  Short, MC. I said nothing about proofreading the book.   She emailed me a nice email back saying she told the woman she didn't think I would want to read her book as it didn't sound like a very nice subject to read about.  Then she asked me to come to her birthday party. She would really like me to be there. Her daughter would be at the party (the one we didn't let sell our house). I think it might be too awkward, but dh says he thinks we should go.  What do you think?  Is it worth the stress of walking into that?  They may just act like nothing happened, but I would feel like I had to explain.

[bloomie]

Update:

I emailed her like what was suggested by Bloomie.  Short, MC. I said nothing about proofreading the book.   She emailed me a nice email back saying she told the woman she didn't think I would want to read her book as it didn't sound like a very nice subject to read about.  Then she asked me to come to her birthday party. She would really like me to be there. Her daughter would be at the party (the one we didn't let sell our house). I think it might be too awkward, but dh says he thinks we should go.  What do you think?  Is it worth the stress of walking into that?  They may just act like nothing happened, but I would feel like I had to explain.

Something I am trying to really be mindful about is to be consistent in the messages I am sending others. So, if you truly want to see this person and celebrate her life with her and her family, then go with peace in your heart that you have done nothing you need justify, argue, defend, or explain about. If the relationship has run its course and you really have no desire to reengage then don't go.

Seems to me that listening to yourself and doing what is best for you, empowering yourself to make the choice either way, may be healing.

[Adria]

Thank you Bloomie,

I feel kind of torn, but have time to think it over. Maybe I'll know as the date gets closer. Just have to get over the explaining myself part I guess. Hugs, Adria

[freddyb]

I'm going to be blunt:  I've been used by so many of these type of people myself I can't call the game anything more than what it is - she is playing you for a sucker and you are walking right back into it.  When I was reading your story, I didnt think there was any book for you to edit, I was thinking she just made that up to suss you out for future manipulation opportunities.  and it worked.  Now she wants you back over there.  For gods sake don't do it.  the dead giveaway: the comment she gave you you just remembered - something to the effect that you always gave more to the relationship than she did.  Always trust people, especially con artists like this, when they tell you who they are.  She just told you who she was - a user who wants to continue using you by getting you to give, give, give while she sits around eating bon bons, taking you for granted and telling you once again that same sentiment directly - "I'm glad you feel so comfortable giving to me, I have nothing to give to you, hahahaha".  This kind of stuff isnt funny, its predatory and really twisted. 

In case you are wondering, you don't need to know why she is doing what she is doing.  god knows why.  it doesn't matter.  All you need to know is that this person is toxic for you and she is using your weak interpersonal boundaries to set you up for future hoovering, emotional vampiring or whatever she has planned for you....cleaning her floor, doing her laundry, etc., etc.

You are a very nice person, too nice, and this person is playing you. drop this person like a hot potato, or it will go exactly the same way it did before - emotional chaos for you.  this person only wants to use you as narcissistic supply, please for your own sake stop being so considerate to this user and cut her off for good.  And please also stop conning yourself into thinking you are going to get something out of this other than more chaos, you aren't, you will not.  This person is toxic bad news for you, stop investing any more energy on this person regardless of whatever good she did for you in the past, which clearly she did not because she cared about you but in order to keep you on the fence in the future if she ever needed you again....like right now.

From having been involved with countless people like this, they have nothing but contempt for you and me, and they have this kind of stuff thought out years in advance.  drop her, cold turkey, no more responses, no more thoughts or going back on it, nothing.  just drop her and move on with your life, your life is better with her nowhere around you. 

[Adria]

HI Freddyb,

Ya know, I never thought of her as a narc, but now that you mention it . . . hmmm?  It seems, when I think back, all she ever needed me for was to be her audience for all of her book writing drama and theatrics as she was also in theater. People always tell me when they are excited about something in their life, they call me because I'm good at hooping it up for them.  Another interesting point you made was that there really wasn't a book to proof read, that possibly she made it up to get me back into her life.  That makes sense since the book was about something horrible that actually happened in my life a few years back, hence she told the lady I wouldn't want to read it.

Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it. More to think about

[Hazy111]

freddyb nails it.

Narcs use any tools available to them to get what they want from others. Depending on the individual and how adapt they are at applying it. They can turn it on the charm, intimidation, guilt, shame, inducements, gifts, promises etc. They have weak selves , so can morph into different personas. They can play you like a piano.

The acting and entertainment profession are full of them as they are adapt at playing someone not their self. As they dont have a true self.

[Starboard Song]

I emailed her like what was suggested by Bloomie.  Short, MC. I said nothing about proofreading the book.   She emailed me a nice email back saying she told the woman she didn't think I would want to read her book as it didn't sound like a very nice subject to read about.  Then she asked me to come to her birthday party. She would really like me to be there. Her daughter would be at the party (the one we didn't let sell our house). I think it might be too awkward, but dh says he thinks we should go.  What do you think?  Is it worth the stress of walking into that?  They may just act like nothing happened, but I would feel like I had to explain.

I believe in all the tools in our Toolbox, and among those you'll find this critical pair: the 50% rule, and boundaries. Boundaries, of course, are not boundaries we erect around others. They  are an expression of what we will will or will not do, or engage with, and they needn't be stated or published: we act on our own recognizance. The 50% Rule says that half of what goes on in the relationship is our responsibility. This isn't to blame us or point fingers: it is an empowering statement, that you get what you allow.

You've had an unbalanced relationship with this woman. She has left you feeling hurt and dazed. But it sounds like she is not a force of evil in your life, by any means. If you treasure some of her memories, and if she doesn't seem to you to be toxic, I'd consider giving it a go. There was literally zero impropriety in your real estate decisions, and so -- I mean it -- zero awkwardness. That takes real strength on your part, but I believe in healing and strengthening whenever possible, and leave social amputations as a last resort.

Bloomie seems to be thinking along the same lines, and probably has said it better. But I hear a relationship that is completely salvageable if that is what you want.

[Adria]

Hazy,
I see what you are saying.  I do believe she has some narcissistic tenancies.  Maybe more so with age.  But not truly evil. That's what makes this so difficult.

[Adria]

Starboard,

You've had an unbalanced relationship with this woman. She has left you feeling hurt and dazed. But it sounds like she is not a force of evil in your life, by any means. If you treasure some of her memories, and if she doesn't seem to you to be toxic, I'd consider giving it a go. There was literally zero impropriety in your real estate decisions, and so -- I mean it -- zero awkwardness. That takes real strength on your part, but I believe in healing and strengthening whenever possible, and leave social amputations as a last resort.

Your statement rings very true. You are right. She has not been a force of evil.  She is much older than I, with an ill husband as well.  Maybe her age is showing, and maybe mine is as well.  I think I feel tired lately, and too exhausted to care that much anymore because of the dealings in my life the past few years.  I've been burned so much in my life that it has become hard to distinguish who is who anymore, and I've withdrawn quite a bit and learned to rely on myself.

I would like to salvage the relationship, but I feel very depleted lately, and showing up at the party seems like a lot. It's another month away, so maybe I will feel better by then.  I like what you said about healing and strengthening whenever possible, leaving social amputations as a last resort.

For the most part, she has been a positive influence and mentor in my life, a sort of mother figure that I had lacked for decades, mixed in with a little drama.  She hasn't been toxic. If I'm being honest, maybe I leaned on her a little too much.  Anyway, I will give it a second thought. 
I appreciate your thoughts and advice.

[TurkeyGirl]

Thanks for sharing, Adria. Seems like a very tough pickle you're in.

All I can say is, whether the book exists or not, that was her bait. Her 'excuse' to talk to you again. It was always her goal to get in touch with you, and it worked. But let me tell you... No nonPD person would EVER ignore someone for six months and then pretend like nothing happened.

I think she is a narcissist you should avoid for your own mental health, but please do what feels good for you, not what gives you the less stress/anxiety on the short term.

[Adria]

Turkeygirl,

Thank you for your thoughts. I totally get what you are saying.  It is very hard to sort this one out. It seems like one day I feel one way, and the next day, I swing the other.  Maybe when the time comes, I'll know what to do, or just go with how I feel at the time.  I'm thinking if I take the pressure off myself, it will work itself out one way or the other. Right now, I'm letting it ride. She hasn't called and neither have I.