Confused? I am.

[Jorainbow]

Today my H eventually told me what has caused him to behave so appallingly at times throughout our relationship. Of course it's me! I don't listen. Sometimes he says something and I may mishear or misinterpret and once might be OK but I keep doing it.(By this point I'm completely confused). So I ask why doesn't he tell me. Because I don't listen. Ok but listen to what? Is there some big message I need to hear? No.  On occasion I'm distracted and I mishear what he says.  I asked and that causes you to go on dating sites? (Is the sarcasm coming through?!). I pointed out to him once he told me he had been unhappy in our relationship since May. This was in August. Why hadn't he told me? I tried. Really? I don't recall any I'm unhappy conversation. Sitting me down serious we need to talk. Or text. Or email. He then explained that there are times I will say to him are you Ok you seem off and he says I'm fine and I may say are you sure you don't seem it. And that really irritates him. And he doesn't say anything so I know it irritates him but these little things he admitted happen maybe once every month build up to the point he has blows up/ gets drunk/disappears for hours. Do I now need to be on my guard in case I say something wrong/don't say something/listen/don't listen? Or am I minimising the effect of these not intended behaviours may have? Or is he just shifting blame. Or is this just another set of PD behaviours?

[StayWithMe]

Maybe you can find a therapist who can help you set some standards as to what you will and will not accept.  What your husband says to you would drive me crazy.  Sometimes there is nuance in communication.  i admit to myself that I missed one or two pivotal moments in my first marriage.

At the same time, it's not a good idea to remain married to someone who blames you all the time.  Communication does go at least two ways.

I was once dating a guy who accused me of being a poor communicator.  To which I said, since you say communication is key to a healthy relationship, then why do you keep coming back.  (I was really hoping that he would break up with me because he appeared to be one those types that might stalk at the end of relationship).

We ended up breaking up 6 months later.  in any case, he stopped talking about communication as if it were some magic pill.

[eyesopen]

Communication requires both sides to be active and engaged so that messages are properly understood.  Your husband appears to be using one-sided communication then blaming you for his failure to properly convey what he's trying to say.  No one can read his mind, but he appears to get frustrated, give up on communicating, and do whatever he wants to retaliate rather than try to communicate better.

The sender's job (the person talking) isn't just to say what they want and expect it to be understood.  They also need to check for understanding afterwards to make sure their message came across clearly.  If it didn't, then they need to rephrase or provide additional detail until it's clear.

The listener's job isn't just to hear what the other person says and infer what it means.  They also need to repeat back or paraphrase what was said to check for understanding.  This can go back and forth until both sides are confident that the message is interpreted the way it was intended.  It's unreasonable for your husband to expect that you'll understand him perfectly all the time without any extra effort to clarify what's being said.

It's not just a PD thing, although that probably makes it worse, but communication issues can arise in any relationship.  Look in any marriage or relationship self-help book and there will likely be at least one chapter on communication.  The message in most of them is to realize that everyone communicates differently, no one can read anyone else's mind, and both sides need to work together to connect with each other.

[D.Dan]

So... He's blaming his unreasonable/relationship destroying behaviour on... you not listening to something he's not willing to talk about?

Isn't that the "catch 22/kobayashi maru" issue where all answers are wrong no matter what choice you make?

[Jorainbow]

Thank you for your insights. I do certainly feel damned if I do damned if I don't. I spoke to him calmly this morning about how communication is two way and how he doesn't listen when he storms off and sulks denying me a voice, about how his refusal to explain or clarify what he has said doesn't help me understand and hie it seems he does everything he can to not assist communication yet blames me for not communicating.  I left for work not long after and on returning he's quite. We have a counselling session on Wednesday but as he's walked out of two before (because I didn't listen (agree) with his opinion it remains to be seen though this time we are seeing a male counsellor. Let see.

[Jsinjin]

This sounds like such a PD behavior.   You should be able to address the things he does that are hurting your relationship and he should be able to hear those and then talk about how the resolve them     he should also be able to talk to you in the same way.

But he shouldnt say "I act like a jerk because of how you behave"   1) that is a PD method of taking no accountability for his actions by dumping the cause on your behavior.   2) he is using that type of characterization as a way to further control you and keep you off guard.   

There is no reason to deflect having a crucial and tough conversation by pushing off the behavior as "your behavior and attitude made me do it"

My thoughts are you are being manipulated so that he can  avoid addressing things that need to be addressed

[sevenyears]

To me, it sounds like classic PD. DDan summed it up perfectly. He blames you for his behavior, and accuses you of not listening. When you do show him your listening (to his non-verbal behavior) and ask him about it, he blows up at you.

[clara]

Sounds like classic PD to me, as well.  I've dated my share of men who had trouble listening to what I said, or acknowledging it, but they usually didn't outright deny I'd possibly said it, or had a point.  With my uNPDexh, however, that was completely his communication "style":  to complain how we never "really talked" but when we tried to "really talk" he wouldn't listen to what I said/acknowledge what I said and would instead insert his own dialogue into my mouth in order to tell me how wrong I was and how right he was about everything I wasn't saying/doing.  It was always a circular argument designed to make me "lose" because he could never, ever admit to being wrong about anything.  He'd revise his comments in order to keep the progress of his blamelessness steady and intact, if necessary.  And yes, everything wrong that happened was all my fault.   No matter how ridiculous his twisted logic might become, he'd find a way to make sure I was to blame.  Then he'd get angry about how we "didn't talk" because I'd just give up and give in and not say anything rather than continue with the nonsense.  And for icing on the cake, he'd go off to hang with his friends because he didn't want to be around me because I was so terrible! 

[Jorainbow]

It really makes me wonder why on earth he stays if I am so very terrible! It's exhausting and whilst I wouldn't wish anyone else to feel how I've been feeling there is some solace in knowing I'm not alone.  I've had a wonderful day with family today whilst he's been working and I'm not looking forward to him being home. Manipulated is a good word for it all.

[StayWithMe]

It was always a circular argument designed to make me "lose" because he could never, ever admit to being wrong about anything.

My husband is kind of like that.  He won't admit to being wrong verbally but his behavior does change for the better.  Maybe that's the best that you can get out of a man.

[Whiteheron]

It really makes me wonder why on earth he stays if I am so very terrible! It's exhausting and whilst I wouldn't wish anyone else to feel how I've been feeling there is some solace in knowing I'm not alone.  I've had a wonderful day with family today whilst he's been working and I'm not looking forward to him being home. Manipulated is a good word for it all.

I have actually asked stbx, "If I'm so awful, why are you still here? why do you stay with me?" Nothing i did was good enough. He had complaints about my personality, the way I did things, the way I acted towards him, my parenting skills, my interests, my hobbies, my housekeeping ability, my spending habits, etc. His reply "Pity. You couldn't make it without me. And besides, I love you." 
mmhmm

[Jorainbow]

White heron I get the same thing. 'Because I love you'. I'm like really because I'm not seeing that! I think my H knows I'm more than happy on my own and would be fine he just knows I've not been in a good place emotionally (anxiety) so he take advantage.

[StayWithMe]

It really makes me wonder why on earth he stays if I am so very terrible! It's exhausting and whilst I wouldn't wish anyone else to feel how I've been feeling there is some solace in knowing I'm not alone.  I've had a wonderful day with family today whilst he's been working and I'm not looking forward to him being home. Manipulated is a good word for it all.

Some possibilities:
1.  Some men love drama too.
2. He knows it's rough "out there."  Getting a divorce, dating again and worst of all, trying to find someone who will put up with all that bullshit ain't easy.
3. Men sometimes marry for reasons other than love.  Money, status (even a small uptick in the local area might be worth it), companionship.  He'll always have a date for the holidays.  People used to make that joke about single women but men are just as concerned about growing old and being lonely.  And a lot of men depend on their partner to fill out their social lives.  The guy I mentioned about was NMNK in his mid forties when I met him.  He never had a relationship past 6 months with any woman.  His father had recently died.  He had one sibling who was also NK but twice divorced.  Not close to any cousins on either side of the family and not a strong social circle of his own. 

[clara]

   My ex started looking for my replacement immediately after our divorce.  He didn't want to be alone and responsible for himself, so needed a wife to "handle" him.  Being married had a meaning to him that was all his own, and he'd been looking for it before we met and went looking after our split.  He's now on meaningful marriage #4, or could be #5 by now.  But it's obviously something he desperately desired to the point that anyone who said yes will do, as long as they play by his rules, take care of him etc. which is why I was less important than the role I played.  Keeping me in that role was all-important which was why he tried to break me down and destroy my self-esteem.  He said he loved me, but it wasn't actually me he loved--he loved his idea of my place in his life.  I was just the person who happened to be there. 

[Jorainbow]

I asked him a little earlier again and he simply said he's still here because he is. I don't know if this is more of his game playing as he has been ignorant all day yet talking about planting in the garden and moving a rockery. It's bizarre

[Jorainbow]

Thought I'd update. The counselor was excellent. Really listened but also challenged H which was a first and he wasn't impressed. He was the same with me on one point which I acknowledge is an issue for me but I'm ok with that. Unfortunately that afternoon I had proof of another infidelity delivered to my email so it's all a waste now. Hearing him say how he was 100% committed to the process blew my mind but I think I was in some kind of shock as I simply couldn't say anything. The levels of his deceit are truly outrageous.