Confused DD with me

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Confused DD with me
« on: August 31, 2019, 12:22:01 AM »
DD told me today that her dad called her by my name. He was angry, in a hurry, and said "move out of the way, whiteheron" DD is very upset about this and she's worried now because to her this means I'm on stbx's mind, and there's no logical explanation for this. I can't remember the last time I saw him (early July?) and I haven't had any recent contact with him.

He does treat DD12 more harshly than DS, and based on his actions, she believes her dad doesn't like or love her. I wonder if this is because she reminds him of me? There is a little physical resemblance and we do have some of the same hand gestures... I wonder if, in his mind, he can't separate the two of us? He seems to be deteriorating, from what I can tell. I wonder if this is just part of his downward progression?

Has this happened to anyone else?
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.



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Re: Confused DD with me
« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2019, 04:33:47 PM »
I just read over your thread "Confrontations" as well.  I am deeply sorry for you, your children and this tragic situation.  I have experienced these behaviors with my uxNPDh, and our 4 children.  A couple years ago he barricaded younger two 11DD and 14DS in a room, and many other very destructive events over the years.  To my knowledge my ex has never slipped and called either of my daughters by my name, however, I believe he see's them as an extension of me by virtue of being female, but also because they both see what he is and he knows the gig is up with them.  That said, my girls are not "useful" to him anymore and so after a couple unsuccessful years of trying to control them and get them to drink the Kool-Aid,  he discards them.  Both of my girls (14 & 21) have told me they believe he hates them.  My boys are a different story, one has been cast as the scapegoat, the other is the golden child.  Both are still  being abused  in different ways, he also pit's one against the other.  The scapegoat has his dads number too, and therefore is no longer useful to PD dad, unless dad can use him to get to the golden child son.  I say this because IME, PD's dad will discard their children once they can no longer provide dad what they want/need.  It is possible that your ex treats your DD harshly because he knows where her loyalty lies and she is a threat to his agenda with your son?  He may be aware that DD is in a position to report on him and this ramps up his internal conflict because something is standing in the way and he can't control people/circumstances, or fear of exposure.  My T told me that my ex was "decompensating", which means that his internal mental structure was breaking down, your ex sounds like he is in a state of decompensation, IMHO. 

I know you don't need anything else to worry about right now but I would like to share an experience with hopes that others would be able to see this coming and avoid.   I am not saying this will happen in your situation, but I wish that I could have done something to stop this when it was happening to us.  Two years ago, my DS (then 15yo) would return from visitation and tell me "dad is trying to brainwash me".  DS also said that when he went with his dad that he would kinda allow himself to go along with it and buy into all that his dad was putting on him and that it was becoming hard to shake  off and come back to reality when he got home, he also told me he was afraid that his brain would "get stuck like that" and he wouldn't be able to come back.  During this time, my ex was actively rewriting history and undermining my son's memories.  It worked.  Last year my son said he wanted to live with his dad and I was subpoenaed.  He has lived 400miles away for the last year, and has no recollection of life before the divorce, the abuse, or anything.  He now believes his dad is the victim, I rarely see him.  I haven't recovered from this.  Another T that counseled with all of us said that in his experience (35+ years) that he would predict that my uxNPDh would target the boys and discard the girls.  That was 2.5 years ago, he was accurate.
Unfortunately,  I did not have a GAL on board but it is really good that you have your GAL and a T.  Does your DS/DD have a mobile phone?  I would equip them with a phone (password protected) so that they can contact you (or police) if they are in need.   I encourage you to keep doing what you are doing, keep the line of communication open with your precious children and try and find ways to care for yourself.  Keep us posted.
Praying   :bighug:



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Re: Confused DD with me
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2019, 10:03:11 AM »
Maybe just reassure DD that even if you are on dad's mind that you will be okay. She is probably worried about so much right now that reassuring her that you will be okay may help her to feel a bit better IMO.

We unfortunately cannot know why stbx called DD "WH". It could be for the reasons you stated, it could be so that he could get in your head and make you worry about it, or it could be nothing at all. It could be with the court case coming up stbx is thinking a bit more about you. 

My dad calls me the wrong name all the time. I don't think it means anything. I think he just says the first name that pops in his head. He doesn't have a PD though.


Dear Abby

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Re: Confused DD with me
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2019, 10:40:08 AM »
I havenít shared on here much, Iíve been waiting until I had something gainful to offer.  Navigating the aftermath of my situation with a NPD has been awful.

I do relate and it sounds like what I experienced with NPDís NonXGF.
 She and I became friendly (as opposed to enemies) and after comparing notes we realized he thought of us as one and the same.

He was Ďdatingí both of us at the same time and would say things to me meant for her and vice versa. I would tell him,í No, thatís  your other g.f.. Iím Abbyí and he would blank stare at me for some minutes, trying to figure it out I suppose.

Iím thinking itís the role we occupy in their minds ó completely interchangeable.

How old is DD? I might have a panic attack if I discovered he was thinking of an adolescent, like he did me. Yikes!

This SPath was also a freak about indoor surveillance.  When I read your post I thought how alarming is it! that we say it so casually, like itís a normal occurrence.

Donít you think itís weird that they do that?
Have you ever thought about cutting it off?

The poor kids (and us) having to live under the oppression of constant privacy invasion.

You mention your N is getting worse and before my N. went to jail I wasnít surprised to see his health deteriorating. Finally matching the alarming disability of his compromised mind and personality.



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Re: Confused DD with me
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2019, 08:08:00 PM »
WH, what is your L saying about this situation?

Is there any way to protect the children, without compromising your case?

Can you file a Contempt action based on what the last Judge put in place, regarding not including the childrne in the adult conflict?


What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt