BP Husband Attempted Suicide Today - First Post

[Zestar]

Hi.  First time poster. 

On Sunday, After 20 years of enduring mental and emotional abuse by my BP husband, I finally got the strength (with the support of a therapist, family, and friends) to tell him I am leaving.  Today he made a nearly successful suicide attempt while I was out of town. 

He is now hospitalized to recover from the physical effects of his attempt and on a psych hold. 

I have not yet gone to see him in the hospital.  When I called for an update on his condition a few minutes ago, the nurse told me he said "my wife should only come if she wants to.  I don't think she cares."

Any words of guidance would be greatly appreciated.  I want him to be safe and well but I need to save myself as well.

[Zestar]

So sorry.  I see I posted in the wrong place.

[SerenityCat]

Welcome Zestar.

We can likely have this post moved to Welcome Mat eventually, no worries.

You do not have to go see him.

You need to save yourself first, and maybe even only.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Are you able to check in with therapist and family/friends soon?

[Latchkey]

Hi Zestar and welcome to Out of the FOG,

I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with this.
I've had family members hospitalized for mental health and suicide attempts so in every case it is different. There are many details that need to be worked out with him and his care team in the immediate days and weeks ahead. Since you are still legally his wife and he is eventually going to be released, I would recommend at the least speaking with the hospital social worker and his doctors.

If you fear for your safety you do need to let them know and also make sure he is not released to your care. In many cases the hospital will only hold a patient for up to 72 hours so finding out all you can about next steps is important whether you visit his bedside or not.

I'd recommend searching for resources through NAMI, CoDA to help with learning more about the process. If he is BPD then often Dialectical Behavior Therapy is recommended and there is a lot of good information and therapy for family members as well. In the case of BP, BiPolar then often there is medication that will help. We are a support board for those dealing with a loved one with a personality disorder so just also wanted to clarify if you think he has dx or udx (diagnosed or undiagnosed) BPD (Bordeline Personality Disorder) or if it is BiPolar. BiPolar is not a personality disorder  and though it is often co-morbid with PDs many with BiPolar do not have PDs and the treatment is different.

Again, I am so sorry to hear this. Please keep us posted and let us know how things are going and check out the Toolbox for more resources.



Latchkey

[Zestar]

Thank you for your responses.  Sorry again for posting in the wrong place.  Also sorry for not using the right words.

My husband was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder 20 years ago and has had extensive treatment including 2 years of twice a week DBT and closely managed pysch meds.

He said in his suicide note that he couldn't live without me.  He said I am the only thing that has kept him alive all these years.

In addition to attempting suicide at our home today where I would be the one to find him, he also spread little "easter eggs" around our home that he knew would cause me more emotional pain as I came across them.

[SerenityCat]

Zestar, you are doing great. 

I'm just about speechless thinking on what you have been going through.

Do you have good support for yourself tonight and tomorrow?

Can a friend help you look through your house? Or can you stay with a friend for awhile?

[sad_dog_mommy]

I am sooooo sorry you are going through this.  My exbf was also diagnosed BPD and used suicide attempts and threats as a way to manipulate me.   You deserve a medal of honor for staying with him for 20 years.   

I am glad you found this message board!  You will find a lot of support through others experience, strength and hope.  You are not alone.  AND you are not a monster if you stick with your plan to leave him.  There was a reason you chose to do that and I am sure those factors have not changed.

((( hug )))

[Zestar]

Thank you all for the kind words and support. 

My husband called me from the hospital last night furious that I prevented his suicide and furious that I told anyone what was happening.  He was also angry I hadn't visited him yet and that I was trying to sleep.

This morning his Aunt called to tell me he was "tearful" this morning and needed me.

My family and friends are offering to come be with me but I can't seem to accept their help. 

His truck that he used to try to kill himself is still sitting in my backyard covered in tape with a broken window the first responders used to save him.  My front door is broken and will no longer lock because the first responders had to kick it in trying to find him.

I can't seem to do anything right now.

[Findingmyvoice]

Zestar,
You are doing the best you can.  You did the right thing by preventing your husband's suicide and by telling people what was happening.
Now the issue can be addressed and people that care about you and your husband can step in to help.  You have done enough.
It may be time for his family and friends to share some of the burden of taking care of him.

You are also doing the best thing for you and your husband by not going to visit him right now.
It is very hard to do, but you need to be consistent with your message to him that he has to look after himself and that you are not in a position to do that anymore.

Accept help from your family and friends if you can.  It is hard at first, but you will not regret it and it gets easier over time to accept that you need help.
You aren't expected to bear this burden on your own.

[PeanutButter]

Thank you all for the kind words and support. 

My husband called me from the hospital last night furious that I prevented his suicide and furious that I told anyone what was happening.  He was also angry I hadn't visited him yet and that I was trying to sleep.

This morning his Aunt called to tell me he was "tearful" this morning and needed me.

My family and friends are offering to come be with me but I can't seem to accept their help. 

His truck that he used to try to kill himself is still sitting in my backyard covered in tape with a broken window the first responders used to save him.  My front door is broken and will no longer lock because the first responders had to kick it in trying to find him.

I can't seem to do anything right now.

Hi Zestar I want to add my welcome. Im so sorry you are going through this. I dont have any first hand experience.
It seems to me, that if doing nothing is what you feel like doing, then not only is that acceptable, but would be recommended IMO. The emergency is over. Your h is safe and in the best place he could be right now being well taken care of by proffessionals. I see absolutely no reason why you shouldnt concentrate on you right now with self care. This must have been devastating, shocking, saddening, and just all around traumatic experience for you! You deserve some extra, extra compassion! Also please remember that none of this is your fault. (From the Toolbox: the 3 C's) I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and...I can't Control it."

[sad_dog_mommy]

This morning his Aunt called to tell me he was "tearful" this morning and needed me.

My family and friends are offering to come be with me but I can't seem to accept their help. 

Thank his Aunt if she calls you again but pay no attention to what she is saying.  She is a 'flying monkey' that he sent to make you feel sorry for him.

Prior to the break-up I kept all my exbf's 'secrets' from my family.  Chronic unemployment, suicide threats, 2 involuntary hospitalizations and massive debt.  And I didn't tell them about the verbal abuse and sneaky manipulations that I had been subjected to.  The best thing I ever did was open up to family and friends and accept their support at the end of my relationship.  It made me accountable to myself.   There is no shame in what you have been through!   You are going to need all the strength you can muster in the next few days.  Involuntary psych holds in my state are only for 72 hours.  If he doesn't have good insurance he might be out sooner.

((( hug )))

[Zestar]

I can't express in words how grateful I am for the guidance and support of this community. 

My therapist recommended that I tell my husband's hospital care team that he has been abusive and I am afraid of him.  I did so today and they called me back to ask if he has ever actually physically hurt me.  I cried explaining the years of psychological abuse and control and the countless times he had me trapped in a car while he drove dangerously despite my begging him to stop because he was scaring me.  They said they only have to inform me of his discharge if he has physically hurt me or threatened to physically hurt me.

I asked if he was being released soon and they said they couldn't tell me.

I looked at law in WI where I live to see if I could get a protective order to keep him from our home.  WI will only grant a PO where there has been actual physical violence or an imminent threat of physical violence, so I don't think I will get a PO. 

I would love to hear any alternative ideas to keep myself safe and sane.

Thank you all so much.

[SerenityCat]

I can't express in words how grateful I am for the guidance and support of this community. 

My therapist recommended that I tell my husband's hospital care team that he has been abusive and I am afraid of him.  I did so today and they called me back to ask if he has ever actually physically hurt me.  I cried explaining the years of psychological abuse and control and the countless times he had me trapped in a car while he drove dangerously despite my begging him to stop because he was scaring me.  They said they only have to inform me of his discharge if he has physically hurt me or threatened to physically hurt me.

I asked if he was being released soon and they said they couldn't tell me.

I looked at law in WI where I live to see if I could get a protective order to keep him from our home.  WI will only grant a PO where there has been actual physical violence or an imminent threat of physical violence, so I don't think I will get a PO. 

I would love to hear any alternative ideas to keep myself safe and sane.

Thank you all so much.

I think that "countless times he had me trapped in a car while he drove dangerously despite my begging him to stop because he was scaring me" equals "imminent threat of physical violence" and "threatened to physically hurt me".

I suggest checking in with the National Domestic Violence hotline https://www.thehotline.org/ Also maybe talk over with your therapist about the times that you have felt your physical safety threatened. You might be minimizing what you have been through, which is completely understandable, in order to survive abuse many of us for awhile minimize and deny what we are going through.

Check this out:

You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following tactics of abuse:

    Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or choking you
    Forbidding you from eating or sleeping
    Hurting you with weapons
    Preventing you from calling the police or seeking medical attention
    Harming your children
    Abandoning you in unfamiliar places
    Driving recklessly or dangerously when you are in the car with them
    Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol (especially if you've had a substance abuse problem in the past)


https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

[SerenityCat]

Just a reminder to everyone, including myself  , that we are not working in a licensed professional capacity here.

Make sure to focus on real life, talking with real advocates and experts.

Wisconsin domestic violence info https://www.endabusewi.org/get-help/ My guess is that the National hotline is still valuable to contact.
WI restraining orders: https://www.womenslaw.org/laws/wi/restraining-orders/domestic-abuse-injunctions/basic-information

Safety planning https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/#types

Please call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or chat with us and our advocates can connect you with resources for legal help.

[Latchkey]

Hi Zestar,

Depending on where you are you may be able to speak with a domestic violence advocacy group that is familiar with your local judges and district. When I was trying to divorce my then BPD/ASPD H did attack me and I was able to get a RO by using a DV group that actually had volunteers in the courthouse that helped me fill out the forms and stand in front of the judge. I filed for divorce about a month after and thankfully my ex respected the RO for the most part. However, it is just a piece of paper and the best safety is being somewhere where you are safe.

Do you have an attorney? If you were planning on divorcing already and have an attorney likely they can roll the PO into the divorce especially if they know the judge.

Gather the accurate information and resources you need and don't rely on well-meaning friends who tell you things that sound great but aren't realistic or legal. 

Latchkey