Ethical dilemma

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11JB68

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Ethical dilemma
« on: September 01, 2019, 12:41:39 PM »
Hi. I'm a non PD mom....but this seemed the best place for this. Feel free to move it elsewhere.
Sometimes I don't like where my mind goes. I get ideas that feel like I'm no better than uPDh.
I've always been close with ds22. Updh gets jealous. Updh has never really enjoyed activities, but now he has health problems (undiagnosed, untreated, because he refuses to see a Dr and/or change his habits). More and more I feel like my own life and relationship with ds are being constrained.
Ds goes to college in a nearby city. There's a museum there that I haven't visited since I was a kid. Ever since ds started school I've wanted us to go there as a family, we planned it one day and at the last minute updh wasn't up to it.
Ds has one more semester at school.
I'm going to be in the city in a few weeks for a work event. I had this thought that maybe I could meet up with ds that day and do a quick visit to this museum.
I think in a normal family I could say to my h "hey, I'm gonna be in the city anyway, you don't want to go to this museum, I think I'll see if ds wants to meet me there." And I THINK with a non pd that would be fine (??)
The problem is, I know uPDh would have so many issues with this.
So, if I'm going to do it, it has to be a secret.
Not only would I be hiding it from uPDh, I would be asking ds22 to collude with me in the ruse.
Ugh.
I don't want to live my life regretting the things I'm not doing, but I hate to lie etc....
Thoughts anyone?
 

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P&K

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Re: Ethical dilemma
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2019, 01:27:37 PM »
How frustrating!
Could you go and just not mention it? And in the event he found out, what can he really do? I see it as I might as well enjoy because he’s going to have an issue/tantrum no matter what. Bonus if it never comes up at all! Do it for you and your son esp since you feel that relationship has been affected. Your Dh is an adult who can figure out how to cope and you don’t need permission to go somewhere YOU want to go. Who cares if he doesn’t like it, and if he wants to try and stop you for that reason alone, that’s controlling behaviour.
Please go enjoy it! I personally wouldn’t want any regrets or what ifs. Your DH can get over it, if it’s worse than a tantrum(which is bad enough)  I would advise taking a step back and reviewing the relationship dynamics.
I hope I don’t seem too pushy or opinionated, I have seen this play out with my dh’s Parents and I learned that the pwpd would always decline these great suggestions unless it what their idea (of which there are few and typically involved shopping). Even if we stayed back at the house, they would only complain/Debbie downer about something else and keep us as their captive audience. The usual worst outcome of us going was the “poor me” monologue later after we got back. The absolute worst was a binge drink during our time out and the drama mongering  at which point I opted out of staying. Hopefully it is not to this extreme for you and your family.
Please take care of you, you are allowed to have fun and enjoy your own pursuits.
:bighug:

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Poison Ivy

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Re: Ethical dilemma
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2019, 01:33:53 PM »
I agree with P& K. I don't think it's wrong to not tell your husband, but I also don't think it's necessary to tell your son to lie. 

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SandorS@DEyes

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Re: Ethical dilemma
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2019, 02:15:08 PM »
I have been there.  In the end I don't think its responsible to show our kids we are lying to the other parent.  HOWEVER, when it comes to PDs it isn't always prudent to give them the whole truth either.  The way I saw it was she was going to be mad either way- if I told her right out I was taking the kids somewhere without her she'd be upset.  If I did it in "secret" and she found out, same result.  What I found myself doing was planning things and then acting like it was totally spontaneous.  That way the kids had no culpability or responsibility and I didn't have to tell her upfront, which always resulted in a lot of guilt and shame and made it hard for me to enjoy whatever activity we were doing together.

Just a short story: last spring I had a really busy couple weeks.  I worked a lot of overtime and had some major issues at the house to take care of.  I just hadn't had much quality time with the kids, and right around lunchtime at work I decided to leave early and pick the kids up from school as a surprise.  I figured we'd go to the park or something, it was a really nice spring day.  So when I was about an hour from school I texted her and said not to worry about picking them up, I was grabbing them early and we'd be back for dinner.  Of course I also called the school and informed their teachers.  My girls were ecstatic to be picked up by Dad, to leave early to go do something fun.  We were barely out of the parking lot when my phone started to blow up with texts and phone calls.  I answered (I had just gotten my new car and the phone calls go through the radio, something I hadn't totally figured out yet).  She was screaming at me, telling me I had no right to do that, that I didn't tell her ahead of time.  She was furious.  I hung up on her but she kept calling and texting, ordering me to call her.  Now at the time she was a few months pregnant and my littlest one was 2, so I figured me picking them up would give her a break from having to load the toddler into the car and drive out to get them.  Plus...you know, I'm their father and wanted to spend time with them, what's so wrong with that?

I filed for divorce last month.  That was my last straw.  I shouldn't have to sneak around and endure that sort of abuse and complete lunacy just for wanting to hang out with my kids. 

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11JB68

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Re: Ethical dilemma
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2019, 12:42:43 AM »
Thanks all for your honest input.
It's really a catch22 for me.
Being honest about it would result in drama, raging, etc.
Yes he is very controlling.
The more I think about it, and with your honest feedback, I don't feel right involving ds in a lie or cover-up.
I'm just feeling more and more sad about the things I'm passing up in life. But that's my problem not ds's problem.
Sandor, I believe if I tried to do the spontaneous thing I would have similar results. In trying to maintain medium chill and avoid divorce as I feel it would result in financial disaster for all of us.
Poison ivy, I sometimes do things and don't tell uPDh. That's on me. I'm ok with it. But I agree, bringing ds into it would be wrong.
P&k....if only uOCPDh were a 'non' adult who could cope...but that's the thing, he can't, or won't....

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SandorS@DEyes

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Re: Ethical dilemma
« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2019, 12:57:58 PM »
11,

  The spontaneous thing only helped me to put up a bit of a mental wall to her shenanigans.  In my own mind I thought, "She can't freak out THAT badly if it appears genuinely spontaneous".  Especially since my kids are getting old enough to be confused by that sort of inappropriate reaction to something unplanned (read as, they look at her like a crazy person).  It just sort of helped me weather the storm, so to speak.  In reality I would have a difficult time saying it made her reactions "better", but it made it easier when she got mad.  Instead of having to answer a million questions before leaving, or taking half an hour to get snacks and bottles of water and spare clothes and who knows what else together for the kids, I could just say "I just decided to take them to the park" and that was my way of sort of shutting down the fight.  I wasn't obligated, in my own mind, to explain anything to her (which never worked anyways).  It was like saying it was unplanned was my Ace in the Hole to avoid a blow up.
  I hope you can find some peace in your situation.  I wish there were a one-size-fits-all answer to all of our scenarios, but I suppose we wouldn't grow much from such an easy solution.