Do I owe PWPD an explanation for going NC?

[gcj07a]

So, I have (after speaking with DW) decided that I will be NC with uBPm until further notice. I don't want to say I will be permanently NC (because I want to leave open the possibility of changing my mind), but I basically expect that that is what will happen. DW and the kids will probably be LC or VLC (see M once or twice a year for a few hours perhaps). Do I owe M an explanation? My last contact with her was on September 2 when I told her that I was not ready to speak to her and that I would let her know when I was ready. I kind of think I should send her an email with some kind of short explanation.

Relatedly, my nonF is divorcing M. He was at our house this past weekend and we had a great time. DW and I sat with him for several hours one night and he told the whole story of his marriage, why he made the decisions he did, how it slowly dawned on him that M was mentally ill, etc. And he very deeply and sincerely apologized to me for enabling M and passively permitting her abuse of me. Anyhow, I am really looking forward to a better relationship with F. Things should be much better without M constantly interfering.

[moglow]

I wouldn't say you "owe" an explanation exactly. Provide one if you feel so compelled or want to be clear with her how you feel, but caveat - anything you say could be twisted and turned into something you never intended and raise a whole lot more questions than it'll ever answer. I say that from personal experience and from what I've seen others encounter over the years: You send a short, concise, well worded statement, and it's taken as a declaration of war, immediately followed by a plethora of explanations, excuses, justifications and accusations. Wording is picked apart for hidden meaning and you get a barrage of emails and messages, she shows up unannounced to talk, shares your [sometimes highly edited] email and smears you to all and sundry, etc. The possibilities really are endless, but you get to decide how much and on what level you're willing to engage with her.

Use your best judgment and history with her as a guide, is what I'm saying.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

GCJ - I do not think you owe it to a parent to give an explanation, but rather I believe you should do what will give you peace about currently being NC. If it will make you feel better, I can only suggest to keep it brief. The reason is so your well intended effort and heart rendered words cannot later be used against you. People who have PD tend to twist things into a negative direction, so the less you offer the better. Whatever you may do, it may still not be enough and she may still feel bewildered at your actions so just do what will give you peace. 

[Just Jay]

It's a wonderful thing that your father acknowledged and apologized his part in all of this. It also sounds like you were kind about accepting the apology, and open to moving forward with him. I'd encourage you to spend your energy on what has a chance to be a wonderful outcome with your father, rather than butting your head up against your mother.

[gettingstronger1]

gcj07a,

In answer to your question about whether you need to notify your mother that you are going non contact with her, I would say no you don't need to tell her.  The first reason you don't need to tell her is that you have probably already told her over the years what the problems are.  Therefore she is already aware of what the problems are and it should be no surprise to her that you have left and why you left.  The second reason you don't need to tell her is that she will twist and distort your words and use them against you, just as Moglow and Blueberry Pancakes have pointed out.  The third reason not to say anything is that when you tell them this it just creates a lot of anger on their part.  You will be told what a horrible person you are for "destroying the family."  This is what happened to me the first time I went NC with my PD mother.  My mother passed away a few years later and I thought maybe things would be better since she had passed on.  So I accepted my enabling father's invitation to a family beach trip with my siblings and later an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner.  What I slowly realized is that even though my mother had passed away my siblings and father continued their dysfunctional behavior and did more things to hurt me, so I went NC with my family for a second time.  But this time, I handled going NC differently.  We were already low contact so I just gradually stopped accepting invitations to the yearly beach trip and Thanksgiving.  I stopped calling or sending emails, and I just gradually disappeared with no explanation.  There was a lot less anger and no accusations I was "ruining the family."  I just quietly disappeared into the night.  I keep very low contact with my elderly enabling father just to do a well check every couple of months to make sure his basic needs are being met and then I get off the phone.  Since my family is big on giving me the silent treatment this strategy has worked well so far.  Your situation might be different, but leaving quietly has worked better for me.  There is less emotional turmoil for every one.  At any rate, I am sorry you are having to even deal with the issue of going NC with your mother.  The initial decision to go NC is very painful, but later it is very freeing to go NC.  You finally feel peace in your life and free from the emotional pain that your family causes. Best wishes to you.

[gcj07a]

Thank you all for your replies! I feel better about not giving an explanation. I certainly don't feel like she is "owed" one. However, from speaking with my nonSis, it seems that M has been contemplating just showing up on my doorstep. I would like to head that off if possible. I am worried about my young children being traumatized by Granny's arrival and me sending her away (or, worse yet, having to call the police because she won't leave). I wonder if a text from my wife to my mom along the lines of "hey, gcj07a is still working through a bunch of things; he will be in touch when he is ready to talk" would be helpful. M's attachment to my kids (esp. my oldest, 4 years old) is nutty. It is the major catalyst for me seeking therapy and ultimately what has led to the NC. NonF warned me that she might just show up at my kids' preschool as well, so we have given strict instructions to the school about who is allowed to pick them up. I do plan to run this by my therapist at my appointment on Thursday. Thanks for the support!

[gettingstronger1]

The good news is you are not required to answer the doorbell if she shows up at your house uninvited.  I am not sure exactly how old your kids are, but if they are relatively young, but old enough to be safe alone for 20 minutes, you could let them watch a kids movie hopefully in their room with the door closed while you deal with not answering the door.  Just tell the kids to stay in the room and you will be back.  If your mother won't go away or creates a scene don't feel guilty about calling the police and they can remove her.  Setting boundaries with our parents is ok.  We were taught we can't set boundaries with our parents, but the truth is we really can set boundaries and we are still good people. Setting boundaries with people who don't treat us well is emotionally healthy.  It is ok to tell her NO.  I wouldn't answer the door, I wouldn't speak to her through the door, and if she causes a scene call the police. It might sound harsh, but I bet you have very good reasons for going non contact. 

[gcj07a]

Gettingstronger1,

Thanks for the practicals. I talked it over with DW and we have a plan for if M should show up. So, for now, my plan is to be in NC with M. I'm going to let my last message (I am unavailable to talk; I will let you know when I am ready. I don't know when that will be. Please respect my decision) stand.

Thanks everyone!

[StayWithMe]

With my mother, it was just "Oh, I've been busy."  With my sister who ike to get involved, she told me I should call our Mother.  It told her since continually asks about A,B,C, her favorite sticks to beat me with, I told my sister I had nothing to say about those matters and therefore, a conversation with our mother may not be very satisfying for her.

One time my mother said that these days, she did not know what I do all day, who my friends and so on.  I said to her, Do you want to know why?"  I waited for an answer.  She said No.

I'm off the hook.