NC, protecting self from abuse vs. holding a grudge

[illogical]

...They sent me an email that they will never bother me again.  I'm conflicted about whether it's better or worse to have them say the words first.  All I did in my original email was ask for an acknowledgement  of her behavior and a change.  I asked what she would do to mend the relationship.  I knew she couldn't do it, but I didn't quite expect a full on rejection from them.  I feel let off the hook, rejected and still nervous about what might cone next.  I guess it tells me a lot. If I'm not providing her supply and not going along with the program, she doesn't want me. 

I think your mother wants to shut down your trying to hold her accountable for her actions.  She knows you are wise to her game-- i.e., that the jig is up.  Telling you she won't bother you anymore puts the ball back in your court.  She can sit back and wait for you to feel guilty and respond.  Meanwhile, she continues the smear campaign, telling all who will listen how unreasonable you are being and how mean you are to her. 

I don't think you've heard the last from her.  She may wait for a bit and then send your dad out on reconnaissance.  And there's still your daughter.  Even though your daughter isn't interested in talking to her, your mother might try to bribe her with a gift.

The email she sent is confirmation she won't take any responsibility for her bad behavior.  As long as you are silent, she doesn't get supply.  She also has to find another Scapegoat.  Every play has to have a villain.     Stay strong.  And good luck with your new therapist. 

[StayWithMe]

Once you are NC for a while, you get some perspective.  The things that struck me were: a) Wow, I feel so much better, and b) Wow, she was worse than I realized.  When you are used to being treated badly, you don't always see how bad it is.

I agree. Whenever I visited my parents coming all the way from another continent and quite often on my dime, the first thing my mother would tell me to do when we got to her house was to take all my sister's stuff upstairs to her bedroom.  Mind you, my sister lived with my parents for at least 2 decades of her adult life rent free at my parents'.  use of their cars.  Leave her bedroom ankle deep in mess. 

Just leaving a drinking glass on the counter was considered as my leaving a big ass mess in the kitchen.

My mother would also accuse me of ruining her furniture by leaving glasses directly on them.  That's not true.  Plus, I was only there 2 weeks or less each year.  She has other children and grandchildren that come and go as well.  So whenever I would upstairs, she would say in her threatening voice that I better leave any rings on the furniture.  Finally, I started coming back with "And I will police anyone else who comes up here and is not careful with the furniture." 

It took a couple of times for her to stop saying that to me. 

These days with VLC, she doesn't hassle me about ding things that she should ask my sister to do.  After the family and some guests had eaten I was willing to help my sister clean up ('ve never seen my brother or his family, teenage kids) help out.  The last time I was there, she told me I didn't have to help.  Oh dear.

I do think that my parents relished the thought that I had no friends and no options.  My mother doesn't talk to me in that threatening tone of voice anymore.

I wish I had understood sooner how much more powerful non verbal communication is.

[MCAC]

I am also Christian, and reading Boundaries by Henry Cloud has helped very much with going NC. Hope that helps.

[WomanInterrupted]

I'm sorry Sidney - and I know it hurts.

Rather than acknowledge her contributions to the problems, or even try to make changes to keep the peace, you're cast aside, like you're nothing. 

And that *hurts like hell* - but in the long run, you're better off seeing it, in writing - and keeping that email in a special folder, so you can look at it  if you ever feel  doubtful or FOGgy again. 

She'd rather discard and reject you than take *one* iota of responsibility.  Instead, it's, "You won't give me a supply?  FINE.  You'll never hear from me again." 

BTW - I wouldn't take that at face value.  She might orchestrate some BIG emergency, meant to make you come running to the ER or hospital, because this could be IT and she could be dyyyyyyyying - only to get there, to find her laughing and chatting with the nurses, which turns into a huge scowl when she sees you, and she instantly becomes all "sick" and waify again. 

If you get any hospital or death bed hoovers - ignore them.  They're probably nothing.  Even if they DO turn out to be true, do you *really* want to give her yet another chance to abuse you again - especially if she thinks it may be the last time?   

Oh, that will be one HELL of a tongue lashing - which is why I stayed away from unBPD Didi's deathbed.  I already know it by heart - I didn't need another live rendition. 

I think Illogical is right - once the dust settles and your dad won't sit by and be her new Scapegoat, or she can't find anybody to take that role, expect a fishing expedition from your dad, or unwanted gifts for DD. 

Ignore your dad and intercept and remove the gift for DD, before she sees it - bin it, donate it, your call. 

DO  ignore all smears, and if any of it gets back  to you via FMM, you've got a couple of choices:

1.  Tell the FMM, "This is between my parents and me, and really doesn't concern you." - then BLOCK. 

2.  Tell the FMM, "Consider the source." - and BLOCK.   

You might be surprised at how many people actually figure out what's really going on, since your mom is the one who won't stop complaining - and you've been conspicuously silent on the subject. 

Call Me Cordelia points out something very important:  the email proves she's the one holding a grudge, and not you.

The best thing you can do is treat yourself well, and kindly.  You deserve it.  Pamper and baby yourself a bit.  Give yourself permission to feel hurt - and give yourself permission to let your parents go.  They are now at the mercy of the Universe, and will have to look after themselves, as they age.

Meanwhile, you and your family will *thrive* without the constant negativity.  Your DD and DS will probably stop asking about your parents, and focus on their own friends and activities.

You'll notice the sun seems to shine a little brighter, the air smells a bit sweeter, and life seems full of potential and possibilities - even minor setbacks won't be so dire, because nobody is there, in your ear, BLAMING you or SHAMING you.

Eventually, you'll be okay, after the initial shock, and the time it takes for the words to settle in.

You really will - and I don't think it will take long at all, especially if your T is a good 'un. 

[Sidney37]

Thanks WI.  I feel like I should be more angry or upset.  Maybe I'm just numb. 

If there was any chance I was  still feeling sorry for enD, it's  over.  I'm glad I have the email reminder. 

First he sent the emails.  She made no effort to reconcile or do anything.  He tried to be the fixer when I told him to stay out of it. 

Just before the "break up" email, he sent an email demanding a reply right away because "they just can't wait", as if it was upsetting someone to wait to hear from me.  Nope, they were leaving for an out of town trip!  They didn't want to deal with Sidney's need to resolve years of verbal abuse while on their relaxing holiday!    

AND while away, he's been posting memes on social media about how wonderful and amazing his wife is...  you know the same wife who verbally abuses him, verbally abuses his child, controls every decision he makes...  yep, that wife. 

They are blocked every way I can block.  DH does no blocking ever, so if they need someone in an emergency , they can call him.  He'll have no sympathy after this, but they can try. 

I'm left wondering if i should block every person who is a friend of theirs?  Do I block relatives before they act as flying monkeys or after?  Block her church ladies who follow me on social media because they were also my childhood  school teachers and neighbors who want to see pictures of my kids?  I'd leave social media entirely, but the PTA and our kids' sports teams communicate almost exclusively that way. 

I don't want them to know a thing about my life if they can so easily just discard me when I don't follow her orders. 

[all4peace]

Sideny37, I understand the instinct to move into self-protection mode regarding everyone connected with the abusive people in our lives. I would urge caution and moderation in this. I believe we unnecessarily cut ourselves off from so many relationships and contact, or at least moved into self-protection mode, for the same reason you did. We didn't want our lives accessible by our likely PD parents via the relatives and friends we shared in common.

I don't know. Maybe it's just a natural step in the process. Maybe it's what we need for quiet and healing. But now that we're a few years out, I find myself trying to reach out again to those who truly just don't know what's going on, or how to understand it.

I think that sometimes in order to prevent more pain, we actually bring ourselves more pain. Is it possible to have a wait-and-see approach? Develop an MC way of explaining what's going on if anyone asks?

Just my thoughts. Only you know what's actually feasible in your situation. My best to you. This is hard.

[illogical]

...I'm left wondering if i should block every person who is a friend of theirs?  Do I block relatives before they act as flying monkeys or after?  Block her church ladies who follow me on social media because they were also my childhood  school teachers and neighbors who want to see pictures of my kids?  I'd leave social media entirely, but the PTA and our kids' sports teams communicate almost exclusively that way. 

I don't want them to know a thing about my life if they can so easily just discard me when I don't follow her orders.

I think maybe you would be best served if you didn't post a lot of personal info on social media.  Medium Chill social media, lol.  Just because your PTA and kids' sports teams communicate exclusively via social media, it doesn't mean you have to post personal info that could be used against you.  Just post "business" related info. 

all4peace makes a good point about blocking all who are associated with your parents.  Probably not necessary.  But I would proceed with caution.  I wouldn't post anything personal for now.  After time has passed and you see what tack your mother is taking, then you can venture out with more info, depending on what is happening there.

Basically, at this point, I would advise you to play your cards close to your chest.  Don't give info on social media that could be "grist for the mill".  Assume that any and all personal info could be used against you, both by your mother and those who have drunk her Kool-Aid.  That doesn't mean you need to block, just use caution on what you post.

Right now I think your mother is going into hiding, but is gathering her "forces"-- FMs and those friends, family and acquaintances who will support her point of view.  Once she has amassed her "army", she will venture out again.

So I would keep her blocked.  I'm not sure why your DH feels the need to keep the communication lines open, but hopefully he sees that your parents are dysfunctional and represent a threat to your family unit.  As long as your mother has any access to you and your family-- whether it's through your husband or your daughter-- she will try to bust that door down to the castle wall.  In other words, she will seek out any access possible to you and run with that.

Returning to the subject of FMs, I would exercise caution.  You don't owe them an explanation.  You don't owe them a continual feed of what's going on in your personal life.  Realize that not all of them are on board with your mother, but some are.  And some are unwitting pawns in your mother's game.  Just be careful!

[Twinkletoes88]

Not only did she accuse me of holding a grudge, her flying monkeys (who I am unfollowing, blocking, etc.) are now posting memes (certainly directed at me) about holding grudges and how terrible grudges are.  Memes that people need to forgive.

I've been reading about grudges and forgiveness.  I don't feel angry or resentful,  I'm not trying to get revenge.  NC isn't a grudge is it?  I feel better.  DH says I'm a better mom and wife when I'm NC. 

Oh how I can relate to this!!!

I'm currently feeling the same thing as you but in relation to my sister. We have not spoken at all now for months and I keep asking myself and my T whether I am just holding a grudge or dragging something out. I keep questioning whether I am being immature and should forgive and forget or "be the bigger person".  It doesn't help that many others in my life (well-meaning I am sure) tell me to "be the mature one" or tell me that I should fix things with my sister because I am the older sibling.

I am also VVLC with my mother but oddly I don't feel like that any longer (for the most part anyway) but that only changed fairly recently when I realy, really acknowldged/accepted/believed that I really do feel better not seeing her and that I really do not want things to change there.

My only real advice is that I try to think that if I tried to smooth things over/"make up" with either of them, it would be entirely for their benefit or to be seen by others in a better light.  I, me, do not want things to change because I feel at peace these days. I feel relaxed and not anxious and not stressed or insecure and I've worked sooooooooo hard to get here as I imagine you have had to also.

T tells me "you are not holding a grudge, you are protecting yourself" and I just have to keep telling myself that when I find myself thinking that I am holding a grudge.  I am not religious like you are, so I can only imagine that brings another layer of difficulty to this but in a way I feel it is about being percevied to be a lesser person (am I right?) like you are being bad or less than by not "fixing" things.

I don't know about your family, but in mine once a decent amount of time has passed, you are automatically holding a grudge or stuck in the past if the slate is not wiped clean.  Conversations and apologies do not come into it.  My mother for example thinks that even after 2 years of VVLC, I should "get over my grudge" as its been so long.  Ermmm no.

The best thing I think for you is that you say " don't feel angry or resentful,  I'm not trying to get revenge.  NC isn't a grudge is it?".  NC should never be about revenge or anger or a grudge. I was stuck in that stage for a while when I went NC a couple of years ago. I did it out of anger and punishment and wanting to teach my mother a lesson and get some validation and acceptance/ an apology.  That was pointless.  Now, like you, I do not feel remotely like its about revenge or punishment and I think that is how we know we are not holding a grudge.

I hope this reply makes sense, sorry I was kinda working my reply to you out as I typed! xx

[Sidney37]

So I didn't properly block all email addresses.  Going to go back and block more.   uPDm emailed demanding the contact information of a good friend of mine to ask a medical question since I'm "not speaking to her".     WHAT?  Not happening!  This person isn't even in an area of medicine similar to the question she wants to ask!  This person isn't a physician!  Uh, NO.  I'm not doing that!  Is she trying to get my friend to act as a flying monkey?  Is she trying to get me to react?  This one surprised me.  I know PD's are predictable.  Is this common?  The person could be found with a google search.  What might I expect next? 

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Yes, that sounds like life on planet PD to me. What utter nonsense. That particular hoover is pretty novel, I will admit. But the entitlement and the expectation that you will respond as she demands, give her what she wants, despite full acknowledgement that you are not speaking to her... Oh my gosh that's classic. 

File that one under "Why I can't talk things out with my mother," God bless her.

You're already blocking her, changing the channel for whatever's up next, so to speak. She'll pop up again somehow. But you'll know what to do.

That one was pretty pathetic. 7/10 creativity, 9/10 desperation, 0/10 effectiveness.

[Psuedonym]

Sidney37, yup, that's completely par for the course. Expect more of the same. A) I would note how long her 'never bothering you again' lasted, B) she had to get in another round of 'this is all your fault, you just stopped talking to her and she has no idea why', and C) they think everybody will fall all over themselves wanting to take their side. Mine bad mouthes me to my BF every chance she gets, and recently asked him if she could have his mother's phone number so 'they could get together'. He was like  'yeeeah, no way in hell I'm giving you my mom's number so you can call her up and bash Pseudonym some more'.

Logic is not their strong suit.

[WomanInterrupted]

Ditto:   

I was gonna go where Pseudonym went - so much for that never bothering you again thing! 

What did that last?  Less than a week? 

I really do think they think we're crying our little hearts out, willing to do ANYTHING to get back in their good graces, and a few  days of "cooling off" from them should put us in  our places. 

So they fabricate a "need" to contact us, and adopt a, "That was THEN.  This is NOW..." attitude, and act like nothing happened.

I agree - don't send her anything and block anybody you suspect might be deployed as an FMM - especially in your FOO.   

Yes, I think she's trying to wind your friends up and get them involved -  and you can probably expect more of the same, since she's got it in her head that you're "not talking to her." 

As long as that thought is there, she'll use *any* kind of ammunition she can find - wisely, you're not handing it to her!   

But...notice what she did. 

1.  Demanded the contact info for your friend - who isn't a doctor.  Web MD would probably result in more accurate information, but that would require she actually *does something on her own.* 

2.  Dangled a medical  problem in front of you (uh oh!), to prompt your *concern.* 

3.  Blamed you for the situation! 

Yeah, that's a Perfect Trifecta of, "I'm noping out of this situation!" - and not responding!   

Now, I'm not a psychic, but it wouldn't surprise me if that medical problem - or another - pops up sometime around Thanksgiving or the other Winter holidays.

If it does - stay out of it.  Stay home.  Don't respond.  You don't *need* to be there nor are you *obligated* to go and hear how this is all *your fault* - when it's not. 

Believe it or not, one of these days, you're probably going to start *laughing* when these lame attempts come in because they're just sooooooooo LAME!  And unoriginal!  And TRITE!  And right out of the PD Playbook! 

You've GOT this!   

[illogical]

I believe your mother has "selective amnesia".  In her mind, she has already "spun out" of your recent conflict.  She only remembers what she wants to remember.  And, in her mind, feelings are facts.  What does she "selectively" remember and forget?  Something like this--

*That she never played any part whatsoever in the drama
*That she never told any lies
*That she has never smeared you to anyone
*That she has nothing to apologize for
*That she is, and has always been, a "good mother"
*That you are the one with the "problem"
*That you are mean to her
*That you hold grudges and are unforgiving

Nevertheless, despite all of the above, she is still going to sojourn on.  She needs some "critical" information regarding a medical situation (that she will withhold info to you about, so you will maybe get curious, break contact and get involved again).  Surely you will forget about all that has happened and give her the contact info on someone who can help her, since you obviously won't.

This is what I like to call a "stick a toe in the water" phone call.  She is testing the water to see if you will sweep all under the rug and come back into the dysfunctional web.  If you call her back or send her the info, the manipulation is successful.  If you don't call her back, she can tell herself and everyone who will listen that "I asked Sydney for help with my current medical crisis, but she won't lift a finger to help me.  All I asked her for was how to get in touch with someone who could help me, but she won't even give me the contact information.  She's so mean.  I just don't know what to do.  I knew Sydney was unforgiving and holding a grudge-- despite all I've done for her-- but I didn't think she would stoop to this."

Twist and spin, twist and spin. 

[frustratedanddiscouraged]

I struggle with the same thing. I told my DH (undiagnosed- anxiety, depression, paranoia) last time he blew up and accused me of going out clubbing and trying to pick up men (I did neither) that I was through being manipulated and being part of the cycle of abuse... I exited the cycle. So I have tried to rise above and maintain a distant holding pattern while giving him a chance to get help and get his act together. The holding pattern means that I am living with him, being polite, but keeping my distance until he can be trustworthy. It's been about 8 months and now I'm planning divorce in the spring if he doesn't follow through. To him, I am holding a grudge and punishing him and I have "anger issues." To me, I am avoiding letting him hoover me back into the cycle of abuse where he pretends he didn't do anything, and everything is okay... only to have him pull the rug out from under my feet again the next time he is triggered.  I fully expect to get a divorce in the spring- I don't want to but I'm finally accepting (after way too long- about 14 years) that he will never get help or even admit he needs help.

I don't know if that is helpful, and I hope it isn't too discouraging, just want to say I know how you feel.

[all4peace]

Shark SIL sent DD a bday card in which she demanded DD call her immediately so Shark SIL would know the mail had gotten delivered. This would be DD whose phone number DH's entire family has been sneakily trying to get for years now, DESPITE me literally openly and directly calling them out on it. Yes, there are many creative ways that people with poor boundaries use to try to get what they want.

[Sidney37]

She seems to think medical issues will get my attention.    Nope.  I've been out of town and haven't had time to sit down at my computer and look at why the blocking didn't work.  In the mean time I get the equivalent of a whining/crying call but by email.  She's apparently fallen and hurt her arm and she thinks she has little time left, so I better resolve this.  The last time i saw her she was in fine health and every other woman in her family lived 15-20 years beyond where she is right now, 

And she doesn't need my friend's info.    She called the doctor before she even asked for the info.  I have no doubt an ER visit will come soon enough.  She still doesn't think she's done a thing.  It's clear she wants me to sweep under the rug.  It seems only she is allowed to have feelings.

I've read here that PDs totally know what they are doing and it's manipulative.  My therapist insists that NPDs just don't understand that what they say and do is toxic and abusive.  I wonder which it is?   I just want to yell at my uNDPDm one last time that she is toxic and abusive.  I want to list out every toxic and abusive thing that she says and does just to see if she denies it all or blames me or what she would say.  My therapist insists it does as much good as yelling at a schizophrenic person that they are schizophrenic. 

[illogical]

You ask some really good questions. 

...I’ve read here that PDs totally know what they are doing and it’s manipulative.  My therapist insists that NPDs just don’t understand that what they say and do is toxic and abusive. I wonder which it is?   I just want to yell at my uNDPDm one last time that she is toxic and abusive.  I want to list out every toxic and abusive thing that she says and does just to see if she denies it all or blames me or what she would say.  My therapist insists it does as much good as yelling at a schizophrenic person that they are schizophrenic. 

I think they have many tactics, defense mechanisms, etc.-- e.g., lying, blame-shifting, gaslighting, projection, selective amnesia, denial (and many more) to protect their fragile "false self"-- a self they have created that does no wrong and never makes mistakes.  If they are aware of what they are doing, they quickly rationalize it, or "spin out" of the uncomfortable feelings that threaten their "false self".  So I believe that by the time the confrontation is over, they really don't believe they have done anything wrong.  Their defense mechanisms kick in and they lash out, then quickly cover up or "spin out" of thinking they have done anything wrong.  So their awareness of wrong-doing is brief.  Although that doesn't prevent them from abusing you again.  In fact, my NM was a sadist.  She enjoyed my pain. 

I know when I first stopped calling my NM, she left a v-mail on my phone in which she said, "Illogical, it's mother.  [as if I didn't know]  [long pause, then, as if talking to herself]  "What have I done wrong?"  [another long pause, a sigh, then she hung up].  That was her last phone call to me.  After that, she sent out a few FMs, then resigned herself to our NC.

I don't know that we will ever be able to identify exactly what their intentions are.  One of the big problems here is that many Ns are pathological liars-- put my NM in that category. 

Nonetheless, like criminals who haven't been declared incompetent, they have to be held accountable for what they do, i.e., they know right from wrong.  My NM functioned in society.  She knew what the laws of the land were.  So I do think she had some awareness that she wasn't treating me fairly, maybe even that she was abusing me, she just didn't care, because of her lack of empathy.  Her lack of empathy prevented her from seeing me as a person with feelings-- I was just an object, an extension of herself, useful or not.  If it made her feel better to abuse me, that's what she did, with no regard for my feelings.

To me, the "holding them accountable for their actions" is providing consequences for violating boundaries.  They are likely never going to admit any accountability for their actions, but that doesn't mean I have to go along with their viewpoint.  I'm not going to sit by and let them abuse me, regardless of their self-awareness, or lack thereof. 

So in the end, for me at least, I went NC to protect myself from further abuse.  The level of awareness my NM had regarding her actions, or her intent (realized or not) made no difference to me. 

[illogical]

She seems to think medical issues will get my attention.    Nope. I’ve been out of town and haven’t had time to sit down at my computer and look at why the blocking didn’t work.  In the mean time I get the equivalent of a whining/crying call but by email.  She’s apparently fallen and hurt her arm and she thinks she has little time left, so I better resolve this.  The last time i saw her she was in fine health and every other woman in her family lived 15-20 years beyond where she is right now, 

And she doesn’t need my friend’s info.    She called the doctor before she even asked for the info.  I have no doubt an ER visit will come soon enough.  She still doesn’t think she’s done a thing.  It’s clear she wants me to sweep under the rug.  It seems only she is allowed to have feelings.

You have posted your DH still allows your NM to email him.  I am assuming that's how your mother got a message to you.  Nope.  I would block her at every turn.  Your DH needs to get on board, if he hasn't.  He needs to realize that your NM is toxic and a threat to your family. 

So the bottom line is-- every time you let your mother have access to you (or a member of your family), her toxicity prevails.  It's like she leaves a little poison cup for you to drink.  In other words, every time you interact with her, or allow her access to you via phone or emails, she is going to do her best to manipulate and sabotage you.

So you might think about that.  It doesn't seem to me you've made up your mind to go NC with your mother.  As long as you are letting her have access to you, via your DH's email, etc., you are not NC.  If that's what you want, okay.  But realize that she is going to try to weasel her way into your life whatever way she can.  If you are willing to show up for "emergencies", she will initiate those so she has an inroad.  I think you have to decide on your level of contact.  If you are willing to show up for emergencies-- and, btw, you won't know if they are "real emergencies" or not-- you have cracked the door to the castle and she will bust the door down. 

She is trying to get you back into the dysfunctional web.  She likely won't give up on that, at least as long as you are willing to crack the castle door.   

[Sidney37]

My DH hasn't blocked her.  She hasn't sent him an email in 5 years.  She has sent one or two texts to him in 5 years.  She unfriended him on social media years ago to supposedly punish me.  He doesn't feel a need to block someone who won't likely contact him anyway.  She sent him a text once last month trying to get him to take her side.   He didn't respond.  He supports the no contact, but doesn't feel a need to block,  it's just not something that he does especially when he feels like she won't contact him anyway.  She won't talk to him anyway, do the chances of her contacting him are slim.  He is concerned  about my enF and wants him to have a means to contact in case my enF truly decides he needs a way out. 

The email came through because I must not have done it properly in my computer.  I was out of town without access to my computer to determine what I had done incorrectly.

At this point I feel like I am having to JADE for not doing NC properly.

[illogical]

Glad to hear your DH is on board with NC.  I'm sorry I misunderstood.  I didn't know that he was now supporting you, as in your post several months ago, you posted "I'm trying to get my DH on board with the NC.  It isn't quite working.  He tells me that he supports it, but is answering my dad's calls and thinks that gifts to the kids are ok.  I disagree, but it's certainly become more of a challenge."

You aren't required to JADE for anything you do.  I was just pointing out that your mother is likely to use any means at her disposal to gain access to you.  The point of NC is to not allow access.  They-- meaning PDs-- are going to find it quite difficult to manipulate and abuse if there is NC.  That said, there is no "right or wrong" way to go NC.  And, as I have posted in the past, you may not be ready for NC.  VLC or VVLC may be more suitable, given your situation.   That's a decision only you can make.  If you want to leave the communication lines open for your dad, I understand.  I just didn't know if you understood that by doing so, it could compromise NC with your mother, since your dad is so enmeshed with her and has been acting as her chief FM.