Painful realities spouse faces when coming Out of the FOG

Started by gettingstronger1, September 01, 2019, 07:04:07 PM

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gettingstronger1

Today has been a very emotionally painful day for my husband and I as we come Out of the FOG about my NPD mil.  Some of you may recall my post from about two months ago where my husband, kids, and I went on vacation to see my MIL, FIL, and extended family.  During this trip, my NPDmil went from being controlling and difficult to full blown emotionally abusive.  During the past 18 years we had kept the peace, but we could now no longer overlook the emotional abuse.  She verbally attacked me, my husband, and my teenage daughter on the Friday night of the visit.  I have since found out that my teenage daughter is aware of the verbal attack and she is also upset with her grandmother.  Monday morning of that vacation, my husband and I addressed the issue with my NPDmil and she escalated her abuse.  She then gave me the silent treatment during the rest of the trip and for the two months since then.  My DH understands that the silent treatment is another form of emotional abuse so he understands that the emotional abuse is continuing.  My husband planned on talking to his mother about her giving the silent treatment sometime in the next month or two after he talked about it with his therapist. 

In the meantime that all of this has been going on, I have been extremely sick for over a month with a very severe respiratory infection. The respiratory infection is still debilitating to the point that I have problems breathing and functioning.  I also had to go to the emergency room about two weeks ago.  During this time my husband and I were saddened that my NPD mil was giving us the silent treatment and didn't know how sick I was.  We did give her the benefit of the doubt because my husband had not told her yet how I was sick I am.  My NPD mil called my husband this morning.   She told him that his elderly father has been sick with pneumonia for the last two days and was in the hospital but luckily would be okay.  Obviously we were saddened to hear that he was sick.  After they discussed my FIL's pneumonia, my husband told his mother that I have been extremely sick for over a month.  My MIL then told my husband that she already knew that I was very sick and had to go to the ER.  She said she had found out two weeks ago from her other son.  My husband was completely shocked and dismayed, but did not confront her in that moment since she was at the hospital with his father.  Even after he had told his mom that I was sick she still did not ask to speak to me nor did she ask how I am currently doing.  In shock, my husband got off the phone and told me that she new all along how sick I was.  We both were completely stunned and saddened by her behavior. 

For me, that was the proverbial nail in the coffin.  I am now officially done.  I am now completely Out of the FOG regarding my MIL.  So yes this has been a bad day for me, but the person I truly worry about is my husband.  It has to be terribly painful to him to watch his mother behave this poorly.  I remember, how painful it was to come Out of the FOG about my own FOO.  I have empathy for how painful this is for him now.  I told him I know how painful this must be for him and that I am there for him if he wants to talk.  It's just hard watching someone come Out of the FOG.  On one hand you know coming to terms with the truth is necessary, but that doesn't make it any easier.  The upside to this story is that my husband, kids and I were able to have a great time at dinner tonight laughing at funny jokes that the kids were telling us so the day did get better.   :)

SerenityCat

So cool that you all had a happy fun dinner!

You are dealing with illness. You gotta be almost entirely about rest and recovery for yourself.

Maybe the fact that his mother behaved so very badly will help your husband know that he needs to move on. Sometimes dramatic abuse works that way, everyone involved has the chance to see the reality.

I suggest that your immediate family focus on fun, coziness, laughter, inspiration, and health. You have all been through a storm. And you still are in recovery.

Good to hear that your husband has a therapist. Sounds like a wise plan for him to talk with therapist first before deciding whether to address his mother or not.

gettingstronger1

SerenityCat,

Thank you for your response and feedback.  As you advised, I am going to continue to try to rest and sleep.  Luckily, right now I don't have to work so I can rest.  I guess my next step is to work on not letting her poor behavior bother me and just detach. 

bloomie

gettingstronger1 - you need to be your best and most healthy self for you and your dear family of choice. Take good care of you and gain strength from the love and joy you have together.

There are moments like this when the mask comes off and there is no denying the abject lack of simple human kindness and caring toward us from our uPD in laws. The one way street of the relationship is glaringly obvious, a painful reality... and freeing in time. :yes:

Your mother in law has made clear what she values and told you all who she is. Believe her. Be a compassionate support for your DH and move through the emotions and then go on with your happy and beautiful life. :hug:
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

gettingstronger1

Bloomie

Thank you for your response and support.  You are right that my mil has shown us who she truly is and we do believe her especially after the conversation my husband had with her this morning.

This morning my husband wanted to have one last conversation with her to give her a chance. We both new it wouldn't go well, but he wanted to know he did everything in his power he could to talk to her.  He talked to her about the silent treatment and her refusal to call me when I was sick. My NPD mil just further dug in her heals.  She literally said she is 75 years old, she can say and do whatever she wants no matter how she affects other people. That is her right. On top of that she said we literally have no right to defend ourselves. She said adult children have no right to stand up to their parents.  It really and truly is such a bizarre statement.  Who in their right mind thinks it's ok to abuse their children and the adult children are just supposed to take it?     :doh:   Her parents did the same thing to her. You would think my  mil would have learned from her parents mistakes but she chooses not to. It absolutely amazes me that the pattens of behavior of narcissists are so similar.  My PD mother did the exact same thing ten years ago. She passed away a couple of years ago with no remorse and no apology. 


So having been through this before, I know the smear campaign is next and I suspect this one will be even uglier because my mil has better verbal skills than my mother.  At least this time, I know not to respond at all and just move on.

Thanks again for your help and support.

Spirit in the sky

Getting stronger,

I totally understand how you are feeling. Thankfully I am totally done with NMIL so her madness so longer has the same effect on me, but like you I do worry how my hubby is coping. My NMIL when given the chance to make thing right also said, she could say and do as liked because 'she's his mother' like that gives her some right to be verbally abusive and if tries to defend himself she'll says 'how dare you speak to me like that'. I've been called a selfish bitch, and when I asked her politely to stop screaming at me, she said 'how dare you speak to me like that'.

I'm recovering from issues with my own parents and I know the emotions it drags up, especially from childhood conditioning, so I do feel concern for my hubby, enough though he says he's fine with it.

In the past I was the peace-keeper and always tried to smooth things out between NMIL and my hubby when she started her nonsense. Then I finally realised just how toxic she was and I too was being abused. I'm still astonished by the fact they can't see how damaging their behaviour is, it's always someone else's fault.

Wishing you peace, rest and healing for you and your husband.

bloomie

Confirmation. Painful confirmation and I am really saddened to think of this mil/mother burning bridges and holding such a haughty and entitled set of beliefs.

Strength for the days ahead and peace over you and your DH and family. :hug:
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

gettingstronger1

Spirit in the sky and Bloomie
Thank you for your responses. I am sorry it took me too long to respond to you. The bronchitis continues to be debilitating and won't go away.  I have followed your advice and have been sleeping a lot but I still continue to cough.
Spirit in the sky, it does sound like our family situations are very similar. It sounds like we both have problems with our family origin.  It also sounds like our mil's had similar responses. It also boggles my mind that they don't care who they hurt.

all4peace

gettingstronger1, I'm so sorry for what you've been facing, relationally and physically. The relational problems take a tremendous toll on our nervous systems and immune system, so I very much hope you're able to find a path to peace for yourself and your family.

It was the (non)reaction of ILs and parents while DH and I faced significant medical issues that somewhat vaulted us Out of the FOG. I do believe, in hindsight, that I was not fair to have unspoken expectations of them and their behavior, but I also believe that many people are able to show up with compassion and care when another person is suffering. Our parents had chaotic and confusing responses during those times for us.

If I could do it all over again, I would try to eliminate my expectations for another's behavior, and simply allow them to be who they are AND then understand what their capacity is for relationship and adapt myself accordingly.

In other words, their behavior at that time was showing me that they weren't interested in or capable of love, compassion and care for another AND THEREFORE I should not keep longing for them to have that kind of role in our lives. I invited an awful lot of hurt into my life by being unable to see the huge gap between where they were and what I wanted.

It's easier said than done, but for me I needed to do a LOT of grieving for what I would never have, and stop inviting so much pain into my life by continuing to expect and long for what was not possible.

Now, 4+ years out, my life is really pretty good. While my parents and ILs cannot/will not be the parents I had longed for them to be, I do have other people in my life who are. And that is enough.

Hugs to you. This is so hard.

gettingstronger1

Quote from: all4peaceIn other words, their behavior at that time was showing me that they weren't interested in or capable of love, compassion and care for another AND THEREFORE I should not keep longing for them to have that kind of role in our lives. I invited an awful lot of hurt into my life by being unable to see the huge gap between where they were and what I wanted.

It's easier said than done, but for me I needed to do a LOT of grieving for what I would never have, and stop inviting so much pain into my life by continuing to expect and long for what was not possible.

It was upsetting and starling to realize my mil didn't love me and that she was capable of being that cold.  I shouldn't have been surprised that she had no concern about my illness when she had already told me she was ending her relationship with me. I just couldn't understand why my mil would end a relationship with me when I had been nothing but kind to her for 18 years.  I bring up one problem, and suddenly she completely ends the relationship with no attempt to talk about it or work on the problem.  So basically, you are right, I am setting myself up for pain if I expect healthy behavior from someone who is emotionally unhealthy.  She doesn't have the love to give because it was never there in the first place.  It is like going to a dry well when there is no water.