preparing for the next visit

Started by MountainGal, September 02, 2019, 04:21:47 PM

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Thru the Rain

So the hug thing. You're not over reacting. My skin is crawling!  :barfy:

You said you feel pressure to move. You didn't say if that pressure was external (i.e. your parents pressuring you to move) or internal. Either way, it sounds to me like moving to another place would be in your best interest.

And I'm relieved on your behalf that the visit is over. I go nuts spending a long weekend with my parents, I can't even imagine a full month!

MountainGal

Thank you nanotech and iguanagos!

I am acutely aware of trying to not be in the parent/child role with them. I had already made a request to be given more than 24 hrs notice before a dinner party, but my dad just blew by that this last week. Obviously the next step would be doing something myself to enforce the limit. I don't think I can cancel his dinner parties, but I can leave. Its hard because these things are during kiddo's dinner and bedtime. I think if we are not out of the house by the time they come back, I will just take kiddo over to my husband's apartment a lot more, and will not attend any family dinners that I am not told about in advance. It'll be really hard to deal with the drama that comes from it, but I know have felt the acute emotional consequences of not protecting myself.

The hugging...I just don't know. I am going to need more time to think about that. Both your input is really helpful. I'm NOT a super affectionate person, so saying "I'm not a hugger" might work. Maybe I can just give everyone fist bumps that visit and tell them that I'm just trying to reduce germ exposure. My parents are both still sick from the cold kiddo gave them right before they left. You'd think they would learn!

Spring Butterfly

#22
Wonderful - so glad for you that it's done

Hugging - any physical contact with anyone regardless of relationship is with your permission or not at all. The very first boundary babies learn is our physical boundary, your skin holds you inside you inside and separates from others. Hugging (especially shirtless skin contact) is only allowed with your permission once you learn the word "no" . Physical contact that is forced on another adult or child is the most basic boundary violation. Violation is the key word there. You need to make yourself clear even if done medium chill.

One who is not a hugger has an intense and viseral response to hugs. A hugger know a non hugger when they offer the hug, it's a clear stiffening, they are *not* enjoying it, are not hugging back, stiff with arms at sides, no softness at all even if there was a relaxed conversation or greeting there's a total shift. Very clearly communicated without a word.

Trying to avoid or control conflict means continuing to suppress yourself, your wishes, your boundaries because that's the only way to avoid conflict - to suppress yourself. So you must at some point choose, yourself or others. Then once you choose you gently but clearly communicate and let them own their feelings and choose their response.

You must view yourself as separate if they are to have the opportunity to view you as separate. (not likely but that's the process)

It's not easy. My enmeshment and entanglement was intense. When I landed here I had no idea notaries existed and learned about them here. No matter how kindly worded simple requests or standing to passive aggressive snipes was met with rage. Plus MiL is the same way so I had it from both sides. I had to choose and I chose me because it was severely impacting my health. All of us here are traveling our own journey on the path Out of the FOG. It's not easy but you do hold the power, your power, even though it doesn't feel that way at times.

BTW
QuoteAny boundary or request I made, he pushed. Little things like "tell me before you invite people over for dinner." "Don't move my stuff."
these are requests / rules not boundaries. Check the Toolbox topic and also the sticky topic on boundaries in Working On Us. Boundaries define what you do when others ignore your requests, they are bulletproof and cannot be violated.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage — prep beforehand and make time after to heal
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