preparing for the next visit

  • 13 Replies
  • 448 Views
*

MountainGal

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 43
preparing for the next visit
« on: September 02, 2019, 07:21:47 PM »
In two weeks, my FIL is coming to visit for a month. This was planned back in June or July. My mother is showing up two days after him and staying for a month as well. She was supposed to be visiting earlier, and FIL had tried to plan his trip around the dates we THOUGHT she was coming. But nope, she waited and then changed her visiting plans. So they will both be here at the same time, with a few days overlap on the ends of each visit. Also my udxNPD Father is coming for a week in the middle as well. Oh boy.

FIL is staying at an air BnB near my BPDp's apartment. M and F are staying with me (as they own the house I am currently living in). Whenever they come I go from being the adult resident here to a weird mix of guest/child, so they take over the whole house. Also FIL and my parents aren't on speaking terms at the moment. Oh, and they're all going to want to see my toddler while they're here. M has already suggested taking kiddo out of daycare for a week for some unasked for intensive potty training, and F has tried to demand that he should get toddler all to himself for the week he is here. And FIL wants to plan for us all to take a weekend out of town during all this.

Anyways, this is going to be a stressful mess of a month. I've tried to ask for people to request/schedule activities ahead of time so we can have a calendar, but I haven't gotten much back from anyone yet, aside from the requested weekend out of town. I've thought about moving out of the house before they all get here, but that's just not in the cards right now....

What can I do to prepare, short of planning my own schedule and trying to stick to it?

*

Medowynd

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 426
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2019, 07:59:33 PM »
Step one is keep your child in daycare.  This will limit parent plans to drag you around the area.  I don't know if you work, but if you do, I would make sure that you have a full work schedule.  See if you can schedule some alone time for yourself during this time.  My heart goes out to you, what an extremely difficult time.

*

P&K

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 99
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2019, 08:12:47 PM »
 :yeahthat:

Big hugs to you! What an awful situation to be in.

*

MIB

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 172
  • I can influence others, but I can only change me.
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2019, 09:02:00 PM »
Step one is keep your child in daycare.  This will limit parent plans to drag you around the area.  I don't know if you work, but if you do, I would make sure that you have a full work schedule.  See if you can schedule some alone time for yourself during this time.  My heart goes out to you, what an extremely difficult time.

I second :yeahthat: You can always tell them it's better for your child to maintain childcare consistency by staying in daycare (which is true).  Good luck :)

*

all4peace

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 7653
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2019, 12:25:59 AM »
Are you willing to change the length of the visit, either this time or in future? A month seems like a really, really long time.

*

MountainGal

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 43
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2019, 12:42:38 AM »
Are you willing to change the length of the visit, either this time or in future? A month seems like a really, really long time.
I don't feel like the length of the visits is up to me, really. Everyone involved has flights, so asking them to change those would be expensive at that point. The main problem here was that my Mom changed her travel plans and booked the flights without telling me. But she made the change due to other family/personal plans, so maybe she would have done the same dates regardless.

Since it's my parents' house, I don't get to tell them when to come and go. The last long visit we had was stressful, but my Mom just views it as "helping" me. It would be helping if she was actually supportive of my attempts to repair my marriage, but instead lately its just been more frustrating.  She's going to come again for a month in November/December, but I hope (so much) that I am living in my own place by then.

For FIL--he's done month long visits with us before since our kid was born. It's his way of getting to be a part of her life. My BPDp finds visits with his dad stressful at this point, but its on him to set that boundary. I don't mind his dad (too much). He had scheduled his flights first and was trying not to interfere with my parents' visit. They were the ones who overbooked....  :stars:

For those suggesting keep the kiddo's schedule the same- YES! Grandma is NOT getting a week to do potty training. We don't need or want her to do that. I might offer to let her take the kiddo out of day care for a day or two so they can have some quality time, but it's not going to be under the pretense of "helping" me parent my own kid.

*

StayWithMe

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 563
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2019, 12:42:59 AM »
Step one is keep your child in daycare.  This will limit parent plans to drag you around the area.  I don't know if you work, but if you do, I would make sure that you have a full work schedule.  See if you can schedule some alone time for yourself during this time.  My heart goes out to you, what an extremely difficult time.

I second :yeahthat: You can always tell them it's better for your child to maintain childcare consistency by staying in daycare (which is true).  Good luck :)
. Especially if itís already paid for.

*

Fortuna

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 29
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2019, 01:05:14 PM »
So question: Are you paying rent? because, if you are, that should give you far more standing on determining who can stay and for how long. While you may not be able to change everyone's arrival and depart dates now, that could help for next time. (I'm a firm believer in fish and guests start to stink after three days. ) And if you aren't, pretend you are and save up for your own place where M & D don't have say how long they stay.

For such a long visit  :aaauuugh: I would suggest not taking your kid out of day care. She may be overwhelmed by that many extra people for that long without any additional time from not sending her to daycare. Think about how she reacts to people and how good she is with change. My kids could pretty much roll with whatever schedule wise as long as there was a warm up period for the people that were visiting, but I knew other's kids had very strict schedules or they'd have a meltdown, and yet others that meeting/re-meeting relatives was nerve wracking for the child. Know her limit on outings and excitement. Don't let the grandparents guilt you into more than she can handle.

If you mom (or anyone else) wants to 'help' make to have a to do list a mile long. Keep her busy.

Remember to breathe. Good luck. Remember you medium chill and observer mode if you need it.

*

MountainGal

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 43
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2019, 04:39:16 PM »
Technically I pay rent, but my parents are planning to give me this money back later. It was a convoluted plan that came up after my split with my BPDp. I wanted to pay them rent, but I can't help that they plan to just give the money back. So in their minds, it doesn't count.

Me and BPDh are talking about trying to live together again, so we are working on plans to find a place. But we're not going to be able to move before the mass incursion of grandparents. So my focus is just on riding this visit out w/o any major conflicts.

*

Fortuna

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 29
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2019, 09:01:14 PM »
Well, that's a sticky situation. At this point, make sure to find time alone, even driving around the block an extra few times after picking up your daughter. Maybe make some "appointments" you need to keep anything from dr. visits to specific times to go to the gym or otherwise exercise, volunteer work, playdates with your daughters friends, and so on. It's so easy to make sure your guests have everything, leaving you with nothing. Make sure you take care of you, not just your guests. Have some meditation cued up for stressful times, or make a playlist to de-stress,  or maybe keep a couple of quotes in various places to remind you that you are enough, you are worthy, and you can decide for yourself.



*

MountainGal

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 43
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2019, 12:11:47 AM »
Those are some nice ideas, Fortuna, thank you! Last time they were here I kept myself busy and was constantly accused of avoiding them and never being available to talk. Maybe this is a good time to reinforce that they need to ask to schedule time with me rather than just assuming I'll be sitting around waiting to be called on....

*

gcj07a

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 27
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #11 on: September 05, 2019, 08:38:02 AM »
Wow! This sounds awful. Perfectly awful. It really sucks when the people who screw with us are the people we depend on. Being in their house must return you to your childhood where , if you are like me, you felt powerless. I agree with all of the comments that say to keep your kid in daycare and to stay busy. Before I went NC with my mom, always being buy/having a plan was the best thing. It didn't give her a chance to really screw with me as much. Best of luck!
"How often have I lain beneath the rain, on a strange roof, thinking of home?" -William Faulkner

*

Fortuna

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 29
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #12 on: September 05, 2019, 09:28:07 PM »
Maybe this is a good time to reinforce that they need to ask to schedule time with me rather than just assuming I'll be sitting around waiting to be called on....

That sounds like an excellent example to set.  Whenever I had errands I had to run like getting the kids clothes they needed for the next week or groceries, she'd pout like a kid with less ability to entertain herself than my own kids.The only way I can deal with my mom visiting is to keep either me or her busy, so busy she can't get out a snide remark and an eyeroll in my general direction, and that's only for a few days. I find events she shouldn't talk in like concerts and movies and choral recitals, or brisk walking. Depending on the age of your child, maybe story time at the library or similar events.

*

MountainGal

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 43
Re: preparing for the next visit
« Reply #13 on: September 11, 2019, 07:23:59 PM »
So i spent a lot of time today putting activities on my google calendar and planning out each day for the next three weeks, mostly regarding where toddler will be and with whom and when. I asked my mom if it is still a boundary that she does not want FIL and BPDh in the house too much when she is there. H puts toddler to bed four nights a week usually, sleeps over at our place twice and we sleep at his once.

I told M that we would just spend more nights at H's place since she'd prefer not to see him or FIL. She responded if this was the only "option" she gets. Me and toddler being gone or having to put up with BPDh and FIL.

I want to say that these aren't options, but our boundaries to respect toddler's schedule and M's boundaries.  I can tell M is upset and flustered. She wants us all the time. We could do one or two evenings when FIL and H being at the house to put toddler to bed, but that requires M to be flexible. It also doesn't provide me as much overnight relief as I currently get.

Any thoughts on responding to M in a way that acknowledges how she feels but sticks with what's best for me and toddler?