Well, I just pulled the trigger. Now what?

[gcj07a]

It seems surreal. I just went NC with uBPm. The period of time is indefinite. I just really need the time and space to work on myself in both prayer and therapy, to live my life with my wife and kids, to forgive her and non-F (who used to be the king of the enablers), and to become joyful again.

But I feel so guilty because I know she is mentally ill. I don't necessarily blame her (though, of course, I know that she could have made better choices along the way to respond to her issues more appropriately). It feels like telling a screaming toddler to leave home and never come back. I know her mother verbally abused her and her father likely beat her. I know she has spent more time in deep psychic pain than I ever will.

And yet, I know that I don't deserve to be treated poorly just because she was. I know that I am not helping her any by continuing to be codependent. I know, in the long run, if she gets help it will be because she sees the consequences of her actions. But I also am not putting any kind of hope in her changing. I am doing this for me and for my family.

Now what? What happens next? I know I will have to handle my own emotions. And I assume the flying monkeys will be sent my way soon. Anyone have experience with the first week or so of being NC?

Thank you all so much for your support.

[WomanInterrupted]

I know it's hard, but I'd like you to please try to get that image of telling a screaming toddler to leave out of your head - it's more like you put her on the Naughty Step for an indefinite period of time and the toddler is an *adult* who should know better, but just doesn't *care.* 

I hope that helped level the playing field - you, an *adult* have told another *adult* you need space, and are forcing the issue with a *boundary* (NC, for however long of your choosing).

IF the Flying Monkeys rock up, tell them, "This is between me and mom, and I appreciate your concern, but please stay out of it.  Thank you." - and BLOCK! 

I'd repeat that to anybody who tries sticking their nose in - and block their number.  Once they can't hassle you, it'll become clear you're *serious* and have taken precautions.   

From there, it's a matter of sorting your emotions, sitting with the discomfort of NC, while understanding *you're not doing anything wrong* - and for me, what helped was extensive journaling, to process all the things that kept bubbling up here, there, and everywhere, often in no particular linear order - just fleeting snapshots of things half-remembered that would come into focus if I *let* them - and wrote the pain out of my head and heart.

Of course, there's posting here, and reading books, too.  If you haven't tried, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, it's a great place to start because it will let you know in NO uncertain terms that boundaries are GOOD and we all need to have them.   

Our PD parents don't feel the same way, but that doesn't make them right, so it becomes *our* job to define our boundaries and defend them. 

If you're not sure where to go from there, Kris Godinez has an excellent YouTube channel, and you can pick and choose through her many videos, to topics that seem relevant to you.  I like Kris - she's like that tough-talking BFF we all need, and she doesn't mince words.   

Practicing good self-care is *very* important, at this time.  If you enjoy going to the gym or doing yoga - go for it.  If you like long walks - take as many as you need.  Do what feels *right* and *good* and make sure you eat healthy foods, and drink plenty of water - your body will probably want to purge a lot of toxins you've been subconsciously holding inside.

Try *not* to get into the mindset, "Well, I guess I deserved that..." - because of the NC, and that can include just about anything negative from having a dead battery, to burnt toast in the morning, banging your knee, barking your shin, forgetting to pay a bill and now it's late - or any negative thing that befalls you.  Chalk it all up to, "Shit happens" - and deal with it accordingly. 

Don't be surprised that you may start to really *like* NC -  please don't feel guilty about liking peace, quiet and tranquility.  It's what most people really crave, and you're probably no different.

Once you start enjoying the silence, the freedom, and knowing your mother isn't going to call you with more endless demands and negativity, you might start rethinking the "temporary" status of your NC - if you'd planned it for a month, you can always reconsider and make it two, six - a year - or forever, if that's what you think will work best for you. 

Don't worry that your mother is ageing and may have nobody to look after her - that's HER stuff, and not your problem.  If she didn't plan ahead, it doesn't fall to you.  You are not her keeper - nor her *caregiver* in any capacity.  If she needs help, she'll have to hire aides or move into Independent Living, or Assisted Living. 

Remind yourself frequently you are WORTH IT and you did not *abandon* your mother.  She's an adult.  She's got options - and a phone.  It dials other numbers than yours, and if she's got a smart phone, it does just about everything she can want it to do - her banking, ordering food or having groceries delivered, paying her bills, calling for rides - the works!

Remind yourself YOU GOT THIS! 

You do! 

You took the hardest step of all, put up a boundary, and said, "No."

We're told we can't do that - or we're not allowed to do it - but you DID, and now that the boundary is in place, hopefully it'll be *very* easy to keep in place - especially when you're annoyed by a couple of  FMM's you have to block. 

But I hope your FOO is like mine - a bunch of cowards who won't directly confront, but buzz around like angry, deprived vultures, in their own little circles - and you hear none of it.

You've GOT THIS! 

[gcj07a]

Woman Interrupted,

Thanks so much for the encouragement!

Try *not* to get into the mindset, "Well, I guess I deserved that..." - because of the NC, and that can include just about anything negative from having a dead battery, to burnt toast in the morning, banging your knee, barking your shin, forgetting to pay a bill and now it's late - or any negative thing that befalls you.  Chalk it all up to, "Shit happens" - and deal with it accordingly. 

This is EXACTLY the kind of thing I would do. Thanks for calling that out before I succumb to it!

you did not *abandon* your mother.  She's an adult.  She's got options - and a phone.  It dials other numbers than yours, and if she's got a smart phone, it does just about everything she can want it to do - her banking, ordering food or having groceries delivered, paying her bills, calling for rides - the works!

And this. This is super helpful. Thanks!

[Just Jay]

There could be a bereavement / adjusting period. There is now a giant hole in your life that used to be filled with your mums endless demands and tantrums.

How you fill that back up will be your own adventure! I wish for you a great journey.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

First I want to let you know that the decision you made is OK. I know it was preceded by much anxiety, thought, and likely more than anything an overarching need to save your own emotional and mental health. It is not your responsibility to sacrifice to the benefit of your parent, nor can you control their level of happiness.   
               
As far as what happens now? You hold onto your knowledge that you are keeping your distance and have put up this boundary to maintain your own wellbeing. You owe that to yourself above everything. Let that knowledge give you peace in your heart and keep you firmly grounded. Secondly, be mindful of the thoughts and self-talk that will run through your mind and make sure it is supportive and moves you forward to a place of healing. No self-blame, and no acceptance of shame. If that dialog starts running on auto pilot, stop it and change it to something that supports your unique talents and strengths.  Also, think twice sharing this decision with others because it seems they tend to misinterpret and their reactions can cause further hurt that you just do not need.  Then you let the good stuff seep into your life. This is the self-care part that will move you along toward healing. Enjoy those who value who you are as an individual and spend time among those who support you.  Little by little the high stress and anxiety will drift away.  It might feel like something is missing, but you may realize things are calmer.  Let yourself begin to appreciate your unique qualities.  Enjoy the small blessings each day and see the abundance around you. It will get easier as time goes on. You will feel better about yourself, and you will feel stronger and be able to have less friction if or when you ever choose to re-establish contact.  You will gain more clarity. For now, just focus on the good things in your life and enjoy it. 

[gcj07a]

Thanks Blueberry. That is a helpful reminder!