son is now homeless, how do I help?

[Free2Bme]

I'm not sure where to put this post, but it has to do with co-parenting, or lack of.

uxPDh told DS19 to move out.  Son has slept in his car for three nights, large city, no friends, new part time job, no car insurance, brakes are going out, and no AC (it's 100+ degrees here in the south).  As much as I want to, I cant' bring him home, but all my mom instincts are screaming "help your child".  My T feels strongly it would not be a good idea for him to return to my home and says DS knew what his dad was about and should have known to keep the rules so he wouldn't be kicked out.  DS told me today that section 8 housing wait list is very long,  where does a person go in such a circumstance?  I shutter to think of his safety and well-being (physical, mental, emotional) in a homeless shelter or in section 8 housing. I am so far away and have very limited resources (time, money, no family support). 

My son has self-harmed in the past, I am afraid he will now become hopeless.  He responds when I text him but doesn't say much other than "it's really hard",  not good at asking for what he needs.  I have a tendency to compromise myself for the people closest to me, part of me thinks I should try and practice tough love here.  If something bad happens to him, I will feel responsible.  But if I enable him, I may interrupt a much needed life lesson.  I have flashbacks to when he was young and I miss him so much, I am still grieving all of the destruction and tired of living in fear of the "what-if".

grateful for any input   

Hx: 
DS  lived with PD dad for past year, because DS had to leave my home.   He would be belligerent and not keep basic house rules. (Hardest thing I ever did in my life.)  I don't know if son is ODD or just dealing with trauma.  He is very bright and very capable but definitely needs counseling for cognitive distortions.   His only option last year was PD dad's house,  dad lives 400 miles away in very large city, this son is the scapegoat, he has suffered.

The upside: son had made some improvement overall over last year, self care, wanting to go off his low-level antidepressant, talked about joining the military, helped some around his dad's house, respectful when he visits me and siblings, seems to be more level.

The downside:  Son has made some dumb mistakes, fender benders, several job changes, a couple drinking episodes.  DS is reclusive and very quiet, but he has gotten into it with dad a couple of times.  Dad escalated it and called the police, he was just trying to set son up, I know this and son knows this.  So, dad put him on the clock, said he had to move out, period.  DS didn't comply at all according to dad, DS tells me that he did, but not perfectly.  The truth is likely somewhere in between.

[notrightinthehead]

Oh gosh! I have no advice for you, just wanted to send you a big hug.

It sounds like you do not have the means to assist your son and you have reasons to not invite him into your home. As a mother this must be so hard. I think by giving him emotional support and letting him know that you love him while you give him a chance to find out how resourceful he is in sorting his own problems, you are doing the best you can at the moment.

[athene1399]

Maybe the best things you can do is to send him some helpful links to services (homeless shelters, ect). It sounded like his phone was still working. Maybe you can offer words of encouragement, like "this must be difficult now, but soon you will find a place to stay."  Maybe he can contact a social worker who can help find him a job and place to stay?

I am sorry you are going through this.