BM has announced that she's going to start putting the kids in the middle

[Penny Lane]

Pretty much in those words, even. She messaged DH out of the blue just to inform him of this. She said that she wants the kids to know how wrong DH is in their communications and "how hard she tries to work with him." The only thing we can figure out is that she wants him to be flexible on the parenting plan and he said no because every time he's flexible in that way she finds a way to screw him, either financially or parenting time-wise. So now, according to her, she's going to tell them about every back and forth they have.

And then there was a very interesting line about how she wants to know the kids that she's not insane and that she takes responsibility for them. Like, H has NEVER implied to the kids that their mom is insane or irresponsible. But, the facts might lead one to conclude that she's both of those things. So I guess that's projection? Like, she wants the kids to think she's the opposite of how she is, so she needs to TELL them they have to think that. And disparage their stable parent while she's at it.

Of course she has already been doing this, not actually telling the kids the truth about how she and H make decisions but lying to them about what H says to put her in a better light. And who knows, maybe it's not lying, maybe she really does believe this. I know it's really, really hard on the kids when she does this.

The issue this week is that she doesn't have the money to sign them up for a second extracurricular. This is an thing that both kids really want to do but I would consider ultimately optional. (I believe they need to do at least one sport, which they are in). We'd like to see them be able to do this thing and we have the money for our half, though it's pretty expensive. She wants H to sign them up and she will pay as she is able. The last time she said that she never paid him back, he basically had her pay for every expense after that until they evened up and it took six months or more. And she complained that he "wasn't paying his half of things" when that was LITERALLY WHAT SHE WAS DOING. We can't afford to keep fronting her money like that and frankly we don't want to even if we could - H pointed out that it's basically an unsecured loan to someone who's already defaulted on several previous loans.

So I guess in her mind the right thing to do is to tell the kids that they can't do this activity and it's DH's fault. (Even though he has been pushing this! He brought it up, he budgeted for it, he followed up when she didn't respond, she blew her money on something frivolous, and somehow it's H's fault?). My guess is that if she can't convince the kids that it's H's fault that they can't go, she will somehow find the money to sign them up. So this is probably another example of a temper tantrum to push against a boundary that she doesn't like. It's hard on everyone in the meantime though.

In other news, she has been really spiraling in a lot of different ways - I think she probably missed some important payments as well so maybe that's why? And again somehow it's all H's fault? It's like she found Chapter 2: basic alienation tactics in the PD parent playbook.

A couple things that stood out: She came to SD's extracurricular (late), looked at us sitting with SS, looked at all the empty seats around us, and sat down clear on the other side so that SS would have to choose who to sit with. I almost yelled "hey BM you can sit with us so SS doesn't have to pick between parents" because of course that was her goal. Poor guy, he went and stood exactly in the middle for awhile. Then I was about to go tell him that really, it's fine if he sits with his mom when he did.

On Monday she called and asked how our holiday weekend went. This kid who had been gushing about several things and begging to have another weekend like this one somehow spun it all into a negative. I realize that he probably feels like he has to do it to appease her, but I really worry that when he says it he's going to start believing it. So we need to think through what, if anything, to do to help him with that. H feels pretty strongly that SS shouldn't HAVE TO say what his mom wants to hear, but I think that might be too much for a kid who's living in her house and relies on her for food and shelter.

Oh also the other night the kids told us about their morning "routine" at her house: They get themselves up and do all the chores around the house, and mom sleeps in. DSS (almost 12) is in charge of DSD7. They've already been late to school and the year has just started!

I take comfort in knowing that she goes in cycles and we've survived bad cycles before. But this is a particularly bad one and I so wish we could do more to protect the kids.

[athene1399]

How terrible, Penny. I am sorry. I don't like speculating, but it could be she knows how hard you are trying to not put them in the middle so she wants to do the opposite so that you guys cave and she gets her way. I could be totally off base. Who knows for sure. It could even be that the kids are figuring her out so she has to point the finger elsewhere: "It's not me, it's dad..." 

At any rate, you should probably document this. Maybe even tell you it's not a good idea to put the kids in the middle and document her response to that, just so you can show a judge in the future that you tried to reason with her. I would document the tardies as well and SS having to get SD ready in the morning while BM sleeps.

With the activity, maybe let the kids know if mom can't guarantee her half you guys unfortunately can't afford the whole thing. "Unfortunately some things are expensive and not everyone is able to budget for it, and maybe it will work out next year." Maybe find a cheaper activity that they can do? "Sorry this didn't work out, but PL and I can use the money we saved to have you do this [cheaper activity] instead".  I would not front BM the money. That's never worked out for us either. We tell her we're fronting the money, what we don't say is that we never expect it back. It would be nice if we got it back, but you know how that goes. It sucks, but you guys don't want to go broke over her being irresponsible.

I wish I had better advice for you. I swear she just thinks up new ways to be a thorn in your side. I am sorry.

Maybe you and H can go back to the "when/should we show the kids the communications?". I know this was discussed a couple of months ago. And maybe you still decide to  not show the kids what is discussed between H and BM. Or maybe there's a "if x happens, then we will show them a small part of the conversation." I like thinking about scenarios so I feel better prepared. Maybe that makes things more stressful for others.

SD also spun vacations with us in a negative light when BM asked about them. I think she felt guilty that BM never had the money for vacation, so felt bad telling her how great it was (maybe she felt she was rubbing it in?). But that's speculation as well. I don't think she ever believed it was a crappy vacation because around summer she asks if we can go away somewhere again.

[Findingmyvoice]

PL,
almost word for word what my ex does.

I have also stopped entertaining changes to parenting time not only because she tries to screw me but also because of the drama it creates for the kids.  I have paid for events on her time just so the kids can attend, I have given her extra parenting time for things like her bday, mothers day, xmas and I always end up stepping on rakes.

kids were telling me last visit that exBPDw was saying bad things about me because I was trying to arrange an afternoon for them to go to a wedding on my side of the family.  Strange thing is that exBPDw offered out of the blue that they could go then wouldn't respond on pickup / dropoff details, started making demands, changing dates, etc.

I just told the kids that they can say "I don't like it when you talk about Dad that way". 
They don't need to defend me or get in the middle, but if they truly don't like hearing the bad mouthing from their mom, they should tell her.

Also, my ex has started only talking to the kids about parenting arrangements and not communicating to me at all.  It has lead to huge confusion with pickup and dropoff.  I keep asking her to communicate changes and I proactively ask about pickup / dropoff but she won't respond.  Perhaps she thinks if she can't control me she won't communicate with me at all.  Conversely, any time I try to arrange pickup / dropoff she calls me controlling.

As far as paying for extracurriculars, my ex has not yet payed a cent.
She complains to the kids that she can't afford things like $20 for a bday gift for their friends party, then the same weekend goes out and buys herself a new television.  She has all of our marital property, 3 or 4 televisions in total.  I'm borrowing one from my parents.

My hope is that by continuing to be honest, patient, trustworthy, calm, stable, available and fair the kids will see the stark difference in behavior and how unfair / one sided things are between us.
Of course, I don't give my kids the finger, call them vulgar names, swear at them, blame or manipulate so its not hard to be the bigger person.

It's also interesting that you mention she is in a bad cycle right now.  Most of the summer was good, but the last week, exBPDw has been in a bad cycle as well.  She told off the kids counselor, went back on promises to the kids, has been terrible to deal with for parenting.

Last night my son was saying how we didn't do anything all summer and I had to remind him that we were busy doing fun things with friends and family every weekend through the summer, plus a week long vacation to the coast.  This is a pattern that exBPDw would follow, at the end of summer she would be in tears, sobbing that we didn't do enough and I was completely run ragged from work, vacation, activities, planning, yardwork, gardening, home projects, etc. 
PDs can find the shitty side of anything and I think it rubs off on the kids.

[Stepping lightly]

Hi PL,

Sorry you guys are having to go through this, it really is awful for the kids to be manipulated like that.  We got it in the form of "the kids have the right to know what's going on in their lives".  The problem is that PD is playing right into the kids desire at this age to be "grown-up", so they of course want to know and participate in discussions that affect them.  The problem is, the non-PD parent isn't going to give them the key to why there is dysfunction in these conversations, so they are missing the key element to figure out what is going on....and therefore...the PD blames the non and the kids get angry.

We also get the "we didn't do anything fun".  We take a summer trip every year to a family vacation spot, and the kids fill out the guest book at the end of the trip.  They write things like, "best trip ever, I had a blast, can't wait for next year".  I take a picture each time, just in case.  They came back from BMs after one summer trip and called it the "trip from hell because we almost died".  Um..DSS was swimming in the ocean and got knocked down by a wave....and somehow after a few days with BM the trip of his life became a hell experience.  So sad.  We've been told to keep lots of pictures and photo albums around to remind the kids of all the fun we have.  I started ordering these things called Mixtiles...they stick to your wall and you can pull them off and move them....gives me flexibility to put LOTS of pictures all over our house and mix and match.  We were so annoyed this summer....DH was doing some projects around the house with the kids, one included painting some boards.  He knew DSD loves to paint and she really enjoyed helping him (we giggled about the paint spot on her shorts after she sat on the brush!).  Later DH heard them telling BM/BF about their day over the phone, and DSD said she had painted some boards, and at the end of the call the BF says really snarky "yeah, well...don't have too much fun....painting boards and stuff". GRRRRRRRRRRR.  It's almost worse coming from him....

[Findingmyvoice]

SL,
I like the idea of putting up pictures.  We just moved and don't have much of anything on the walls.
I'm going to look into this.

Take pleasure in the little things that you enjoy.  Chances are if there is a PD involved they don't understand what other people  like or enjoy anyways, if its not fun for them they assume its not fun for anyone.
I do lots of things with my kids that others might find trivial or boring, my kids all have different interests and enjoy different things.  people might think its stupid or a waste of time, but its not. 
Its important for kids to find out what they like and not be judged or made to feel bad about it.  There is enough peer pressure from friends at school to be, look, speak, act a certain way, they don't need it from the adults in their life too.

[Penny Lane]

Athene, yes, I think she is using this as a threat to get H to pay for the extracurricular. "If you don't pay for this, I'm going to tell the kids how we arrive at decisions" really = "If you don't pay the entire cost, I'm going to lie to the kids about whose fault it is that they're not signed up for this activity." She thinks he might cave because she knows that hurting the kids in this way will also hurt him. But the problem is that if you give in this time, then she knows she needs to threaten to put the kids in the middle of it every time and he will cave. So he knows he needs to stay strong for the kids so they do better in the long run but I'm very stressed about what that means for them in the short run.

Actually, you know what, I guess this is an escalation of what she did last time - she didn't threaten to do this, she just DID it (on the birthday party which was really about whether he'll trade parenting time with her) and hoped that DSS could convince DH to do the thing she wanted. That didn't work so this time she's telling DH she's going to do it, in the hopes that that will work. Somehow that makes me feel better - we've already dealt with this exact thing, somewhat successfully!

I was thinking too, this might end up being the time that H HAS to show DS the messages. I'm glad we already came up with a plan for how that would go. But I hope we don't need to use it.

Of course, I don't give my kids the finger, call them vulgar names, swear at them, blame or manipulate so its not hard to be the bigger person.

Haha, congratulations, (I guess?) for leaping over that very low bar she has set.

Saying no changes to the parenting plan has really removed a lot of stress from DH and therefore also from me. I really do think this is a testing of boundaries and that if H stays firm she will eventually learn that the answer is always no. It's the same with setting boundaries with kids - if you say yes sometimes you're subjected to endless whining. But if the answer is always no, they eventually give up. In a lot of ways this is the most dramatic uptick in H's boundaries with her since the separation - no wonder she's going to rail against them.

SL, it's exactly what you said. DSS likes being part of the conversation because he feels grown up. He feels like he has a right to know this stuff. But the question is, why would you want to know? I don't even like seeing all this conflict and it's not between my parents! It's funny, BM did almost the same thing as the BF in your situation "well I guess you survived" said like it's supposed to be a joke but really stoking the fire there.

I love the idea of pictures. I used to be pretty good about printing them out but I've kind of stopped over the last year or so. Having pictures all around the house of the kids having a lot of fun, here, can't be a bad thing. Plus, we all like seeing them!

We did a kind of preparing talk with DSS. He told us that BM had said that he could do it. We told him that she had told H that she couldn't sign him up until after it would be too late. So that means the answer is no, at least for now, but H is still working with her to try to make it happen. He was disappointed but seemed to understand. H asked if he had any questions and said he would answer any questions that come up. Hopefully that gives him a foundation for when BM is saying "your dad won't pay for this" or whatever, he can remember that there are two sides to this story.

H also responded to BM and basically said, that sounds like it would be really bad for the kids, I hope you decide not to do it, and I'll continue to try to not put them in the middle of conflict. He didn't mention that if she lies to the kids he will correct it. The point was to document how ridiculous her position is and that he objected to it, I guess. It's probably too much to hope for that this shames her into not being terrible to the kids.

[Stepping lightly]

PDs dont' have shame, I don't believe you can shame them into anything sadly! 

I think you may be right, she may be testing the waters to see if you really won't deviate from the parenting plan.  Sadly for her, she doesn't understand the peace of mind the consistency of sticking to the plan gives you guys...so she may be underestimating the efforts it will take to try to convince you to deviate!   You are right though, this is familiar territory for you guys, and you rocked it last time!

It seems like the direct kid involvement in the conflict has increased drastically recently for your family?  I mean, she did things before, but it seems she is intentionally pushing the kids in the middle more than ever?  I ask, because sometimes it helps to understand why, is something threatening her more than it was before?  Are the kids starting to wise up to her and now she needs to reel them back in? 

As always, consistency is what keeps you in the parenting game with the PD.  The kids know what to expect from you guys- so if you stick to the order....they know what your answer will be EVERY time BM wants to deviate,  they can count on what you will do because there is reason behind it.  That has to give them some balance and stability.

[Penny Lane]

It seems like the direct kid involvement in the conflict has increased drastically recently for your family?  I mean, she did things before, but it seems she is intentionally pushing the kids in the middle more than ever?  I ask, because sometimes it helps to understand why, is something threatening her more than it was before?  Are the kids starting to wise up to her and now she needs to reel them back in? 

Yeah it's increased like exponentially and all very recently. I always wondered why she didn't do some of these smaller alienation things that seem really common on the boards (like more overtly making the kids choose between her and DH). Well I guess she's figured it out. As for why, my best guess is that it's about DSS - who had always been her GC although that seems to be shifting - and his preteen independence and how it's playing out. This extracurricular, both kids want to do it but he REALLY wants to do it and it was his idea. So I think she's mostly trying to get at him not at DSD about this.

I think a lot of it is tied to the incident over the summer about her not attending the kids' lessons. DSS called her out for not going and my guess is that he called her out again for lying to him about having paid for it even though it wasn't on her time. I think that she really didn't like it that DSS wasn't just accepting her lies and wasn't ok with her not coming to his activities. I think the birthday party thing was somewhat a response to that - she wanted DSS to be mad at H because he had been mad at her. Plus it was a good way to try to shake H's boundaries about trades. Win-win for her, lose-lose for everyone else.

Plus, starting toward the end of last school year and growing through the summer DSS has really been pulling away from both parents. He's more interested in seeing his friends than doing family stuff, he's really feeling the pull of peer pressure, he's starting to really try to look at the adults in his life objectively rather than through kid eyes. He's had some new attitude with me and DH as well. But I think BM is really getting the brunt of it because she just doesn't listen to the kids. And DSS is at a phase where he really wants to be heard and he's starting to have very strong opinions on what goes on in his life. Basically he's in a totally normal stage of development that's trying for even healthy parents, and it's interacting very badly with BM's PD tendencies. Where we saw this the most I think was when she forgot to take him to the back to school activities that he really wanted to go to. He was so mad and she was clearly taken aback at his level of frustration towards her. I'm sure she blamed H and thought he had riled DSS up about it, but the first we heard about this was when he was on the phone with BM. Honestly I was a little taken aback too - I wouldn't have thought he would be so openly critical of her.

To her everything is a zero sum game - every minute the kids spend with H is like a minute that's taken away from her. Even if she's not around anyway, like when she goes on vacation! And I think it's the same with affection - she feels like the good relationship between the kids and their dad is somehow taking away from her relationship with them? Especially if things are tense between her and the kids, then she wants to force tension between H and the kids so that it's "even." But what she doesn't see is that some of the same preteen tension already exists in our house, we just handle it differently and it doesn't blow up.

There was another interesting thing she said in her note, she made a big point of how the kids should know that the parents are co-decision makers. I mean, we NEVER forget that H needs her buy in to make basic decisions for the kids and at any point she could make it difficult for them to get basic medical care, stay in their school, do sports, etc. But I guess she's feeling a kind of loss of control that makes her feel like not a true co-decision maker. I think that goes back to H's new boundaries. She does have an equal vote on what the kids do, but she can no longer force H into circular conversations for days about the same issues. And when he asks for her input and doesn't get it, he's been moving ahead. She really, really doesn't like that and I guess she's feeling a loss of control in that regard. Also on that point, H has been driving ALL the discussions about extracurriculars for years. The reason is that we proactively ask what the kids want to do and research options and decide what's feasible. Whereas when BM signs them up for something it's because one of her friends mentioned it, no matter whether they want to or not. I think that really rubs her the wrong way that H is "in charge" even though in reality it's just that he's making sure the kids can do the activities that they want to do. And of course she could initiate extracurriculars too, but she really hasn't in years.

I also think she's mad about the whole money thing. She spent all her money on her "once in a lifetime" trip (apparently it was her boyfriend's family reunion or something?) and didn't save any for bills. So now not only is she stressed about paying for needs, she's having to tell DSS no, and she really doesn't like that. She has often in the past used the kids as leverage to try to get DH to pay her bills. Sometimes not even bills that are related to the kids, just her regular bills that we pay at our house too. The more she tries to screw him on money, the more he tightens up his boundaries. And then she pushes back even harder. It seems like money is more important to her than anything else and she will basically do anything to avoid having to pay her fair share of stuff. It's like money is the ultimate way to keep score for her so she would rather be terrible to the kids than have to actually pay for anything. Meanwhile, she's so bad with money that her account is truly often at 0 and she always seems to be stressed about that. And somehow in her mind that's H's fault for expecting her to, you know, not spend all her money on luxuries as soon as she gets paid but rather save some for the kids' needs later in the month.

The good thing about our BM is that there's never any big plan, it's just her reacting badly to isolated things. And even when she thinks she's "documenting," as she clearly did with this note, what she's actually documenting is her bad parenting and violations of the court order. But other than that I don't know what to conclude from all this other than she blames H for her bad decisions and then uses that anger to hurt the kids.

[Penny Lane]

And on the point of her having no shame - that is probably true. But, in a recent email, H laid out how she had taken him off the account for an extracurricular and all the problems it had caused (he actually didn't intend to but a couple weeks after she did it he needed to reference it - basically there was a problem when she wasn't there and he needed to let her know). Anyway so the point wasn't even to document it. But I guess she didn't like how she came off in that message. Because she had an opportunity to break into another one of the kids' accounts recently and instead she emailed the people and cc'ed DH. She was still being shitty (she wanted her name listed before DH's - the person on the other end was so confused and kept saying "but you both have access to the account and you're both getting emails, right?") but at least H could see what she was trying to do and mitigate it. So it does seem that she learned not to do that.

It's kind of a dangerous train of thought because that might lead one to conclude that H should just point out all of her bad behavior to her in the hopes that she'll change it. And that would be a huge waste of time and energy. I still think we haven't found the right balance for when he engages with her vs when he lets it go. But at least he's far more on the side of let it go than he was when I met him, or even a year ago. And that's done wonders for everyone's mental health.

[athene1399]

...that might lead one to conclude that H should just point out all of her bad behavior to her in the hopes that she'll change it.

IMO it all depends on how the PD views it internally (like their own through process about it). We sometimes luck out with this because BM wants SO to look like the jerk, so when he points out how rude she is she does better next time. But sometimes that just leads to projection "how dare you insinuate I'm the jerk when you're being so difficult. If you would just do as I ask..." So IMO it's very hit or miss. But tempting, because as you pointed out sometimes it does work. I think in our case it only works out when BM knows others can see/hear what she is saying, so in her own weird way she tries to look like the better parent: "If I do this the way he suggested, I won't look like the difficult one and he will". Like in your example, where her name MUST go first because she's the one "in charge" even though they both get the email.    So she realized it looked bad with her cutting him out, but she still wanted to be put first as the "primary" parent in her own way. I could see our BM doing something similar.

Hopefully if you guys don't give in, she'll know the tactic of "putting the kids in the middle" doesn't work. Hopefully the whole things just fizzles out.

[Penny Lane]

Yeah so weirdly, since they switched over to Our Family Wizard, it seems like BM is writing for an audience, presumably the judge or her lawyer. I don't know if it's OFW itself or the fact that they made the switch when their case settled (like she thinks this is helping her stay out of court), but she is noticeably different now. Not always in a good way. But it does force her to behave the same in their private communications as she would if someone else was cc'ed on it.

On the account thing, BM is VERY comfortable with leaving H out of the communications with third parties and then implying or letting people believe he's an absent father. It's actually a very effective strategy to keep him out of stuff because good people WANT to help a struggling single mom who's dealing with a deadbeat dad, you know? I have no doubt that she would have done that again if he hadn't sent that other email.

Hopefully the whole things just fizzles out.

I hope so too but I worry that this isn't just a phase it's a new era. I know this is overwrought but when she puts the kids in the middle and they feel so torn apart I feel like we are in a battle for their souls, like on one side is they become happy and healthy adults and on the other side they become her minions who just parrot whatever opinion she has of them. But worse is we're not really in the battle, it's these poor kids who are in the battle and all we can do is give them some good armor or whatever.

Like I said I know this is overwrought and I do think it's very likely this is cyclical. I guess one thing I have to work on is managing my own anxiety!

[Stepping lightly]

At least BM pulls back on the communication when someone is watching.  our BM, never, ever, ever, does...like...never ever.   We had a parent coordinator who tried to reel her in, no dice...nasty, nasty emails.  DH even had to pay for the time the PC tried to coach BM on writing a non-abusive email, just to get abused over and over again...amazing.  When she gets called out for her nastiness, she just claims DH abused her and she is doing what she can to basically "save her children",  and everyone excuses the behavior because 1- she's scary, 2- "poor thing"....maybe?

It seems like you have a good hold on the driving forces behind some of the behaviors, I always find it helpful.  It doesn't make it easier, but at least understanding the "why" will ease your mind slightly.  When we get ramp ups we can't identify, we always wonder if it means she's prepping for court. 

Managing the anxiety is tricky.  DH and I seriously have some PTSD from this woman.  I mentioned to someone recently that he only reads her emails when "he has to", or right before the kids come back, and they were shocked.  I shrugged and explained how horrible it is to be faced with the vitriol and nastiness just opening an email.  You just never know what is waiting for you.   I once asked our Therapist about it, I said "I know when we are in public that she won't actually physically harm  me, so why am I so terrified?  It makes no sense to me!"...and he explained that we face a person who will "go there", not ever knowing what to expect, or be able to be prepared is terrifying.  You always have to be prepared for  "a way out".

[Penny Lane]

One giant gift that BM has given us is to make it very, very clear to DH that she desperately doesn't want to go back to court. She used to threaten it all the time but those threats have totally stopped. I don't know if it's just that it was so unpleasant for her or it's because she lost in some really serious ways (ended up with no child support and a reduction in parenting time) and thinks she'd lose again. As much as H and I dread the thought of going back to court, he would do it if the kids needed him to. But hopefully the specter of court is enough to scare her. Unfortunately it seems that she's moved on to trying harder to alienate the kids rather than take his money via a judge.

Weirdly, while all this is going on, H and I realized she has pretty much reimbursed him for all expenses (albeit late) for a couple months. It has been ages since they've been completely settled up and there were a couple expenses that I was SHOCKED she didn't try to argue about. I don't understand why she's being so terrible to the kids but so diligent about this area that has caused such a problem in the past. I wonder if it's because she knows DSS will ask her if she's paying for stuff?

She's also been doing a flurry of things to sign the kids up for stuff, fill out school forms, etc - stuff she normally ignores until DH handles it. H's theory is that she wants to prove to teachers and coaches that she's an involved parent. I think it's more like she's trying to prove it to herself. We see an uptick in this sort of behavior when she's feeling really insecure about her parenting. It's kind of a mixed bag. If she's paying for stuff upfront she can't refuse to pay her half of things. But when she fills out forms she always leaves DH off of it, so he has to chase that down. Anyway I don't think our theories are mutually exclusive - she wants to project to the world that she's an involved mom in order to convince herself. So I don't know how all that interacts with the alienation stuff, if both are driven by her parenting insecurity or what.

I once asked our Therapist about it, I said "I know when we are in public that she won't actually physically harm  me, so why am I so terrified?  It makes no sense to me!"...and he explained that we face a person who will "go there", not ever knowing what to expect, or be able to be prepared is terrifying.  You always have to be prepared for  "a way out".

I feel like once someone screams at you or confronts you in such an aggressive way, you are never going to not be tense around them. She hasn't dropped by our house in a year - and it's been years since we had to call the police because she was trying to push her way in and screaming at me - but every once in awhile I get a flash like, is that BM's car what is she doing here??? Before every event I'm like, is this the recital where she tries to confront me in front of all the other parents? It could happen anytime, even if it hasn't happened up until now. She could behave normally for the next 10 years and I would still be pretty scared to be around her. I hate, hate living like this but I don't know how to truly disconnect. I love going on vacations because we know she can't really do anything to us from another state.

[Stepping lightly]

I think the alienation plays in because maybe she needs to feel she is the better parent.  She's not better at parenting, but if she can make the kids hate their Dad and like her, then maybe she thinks that will be what matters. 

[athene1399]

I agree with SL about the alienation. She's trying to prove she's really the better parent even though she lost in court, and she'll do so by also making the kids hate dad. It's all to make her feel better and not to do anything good for the kids.

On the account thing, BM is VERY comfortable with leaving H out of the communications with third parties and then implying or letting people believe he's an absent father. It's actually a very effective strategy to keep him out of stuff because good people WANT to help a struggling single mom who's dealing with a deadbeat dad, you know?

Yup. BM plays this up with all three of her kids even though she has custody of none. SO was behind her in line at a convenient store and she didn't know he was there. She started telling the clerk how she's a struggling single mother of three kids. The oldest two live exclusively with their dad. She loves tugging on people's heart strings and making SO look like an abusive deadbeat dad who does nothing for SD. I really think it's all projection. She knows she can't support SD, so tries to make it look like SO doesn't do anything.  She actually says her first husband does nothing for the kids. I think she thinks that since she pays child support, her ex pays for nothing. She thinks her exes should support her and makes sure everyone knows they don't (but they aren't supposed to. SO actually could have gotten money from BM when they divorced but he didn't want to start trouble). It's all about appearances IMO. Half-truths that are spun to make the PD look better and feel better IMO.

I've never been confronted face to face with BM. I'm lucky I guess. She's threatened me with the cops to SO via text. I do get PTSD-like response when his phone chimes more than once for a text. I assume it's her freaking out and terrorizing him. A few years ago it was so bad. She'd send so many nasty messages for like ten minutes straight. So I guess the trauma-response to the PD parent is the norm.

[Penny Lane]

if she can make the kids hate their Dad and like her, then maybe she thinks that will be what matters.

I'm not even totally sure that she's trying to make the kids like her, or at least not trying that hard. It seems like her only goal is to make them more mad at their dad than they are at her.

So, more whiplash - BM has gone totally silent except to say she will pay her half of the extracurricular. She apparently did not involve the kids in the decision in any meaningful way because they didn't come back with any questions about why H is so stingy and mean to their mom. Or whatever it was going to be.

In the past when she's stopped responding to H and limited her problem-causing, it's been at the beginning of a good spell. This usually coincides with a new boyfriend. So my totally unsubstantiated gut feeling is that her bad behavior came because she was fighting with her boyfriend at that time, and right now she's in the process of lining up an affair partner/next boyfriend so she's happy and doesn't have energy to harass DH.

The last time she had a good spell we basically just took a mental break from worrying about her. It was great. This time I think H is going to try to push forward with some things we want to see get done, see how quickly he can knock stuff off the to-do list when BM is being slightly less actively awful.

So the good news is that the kids seem to be well rested and mostly happy. They're not furious at us when they come home.

I have some lingering concerns about the switch in GC from DSS11 to DSD8. SD has been sort of preemptively defending BM from something that no one said. DSS used to do this when he was about her age too. I want to figure out ways to help them cope with the whiplash between favorite/not favorite and mean mom/nice mom. But most important to us is to make sure we're always consistent, there's no favorites and we're always steady, boring but loving parents with the same routine every day.

[hhaw]

Steady, boring, consistent.... these are the best kind of parents, IME.

Kids want a safe place to land. They want discipline, and boundaries.   Heck, we teach them how to live a good life when we teach boundaries, how to enforce them, and allow the kids to cultivate them. 

Again,  I'd always go back to asking the kids what they think when BioM goes off the deep end. 

Compassion for BioM.  Compassion for the kids.  Compassion for you and your dh.

The journey continues.

[Penny Lane]

It's a shame, I could've been a GREAT fun stepmom. But the kids need more adults who will prioritize their schooling, their stability, their sleep... So boring, predictable stepmom it is. And our relationship is much better for it.

Good reminder to default to asking questions. I need to work on that. I always feel blindsided by an announcement of something awful their mom did. Asking "how do you feel about that" right off the bat needs to become second nature for me.