starting the process. healing from Nmom and enabler fam...thinking NC

[lightereveryday]

Hi everyone. I'm glad this exists.
where to start.
I just started the process of healing, so I lack the terms and strategy. I'd like to initiate NC but come from a traditional family, and lack the courage.

Background...
My family moved to North America when I was a kid. Both parents and I suffer PTSD because of where we come from. We've been here for almost 30 years now.

My parents never bothered to learn English or to connect to society here. This means I spent my youth translating for them, writing their English tests, coming with them to all appointments, filling out paperwork etc.

My parents met when my mom took her first vacation. Small town virgin, alcoholic father and martyr mother. My dad was working in the habour, sleeping under the stars and chasing tourist girls.
She had to have him.
They because pregnant in the initial phase of dating, and my father's family made them get married.
She soon cut him off from his family because "they were not nice to her". I became the glue the held him to her.

I have this memory of him telling me we can't spend too much time together because mom will get jealous that I don't love her as much. She argued at him often and would blame him for anything I did. She used to follow him around the house screaming at him, laughing, belittling him. She finally stopped that when she went into menopause, some 30 years into their marriage. Throughout my life at their home, it's all memories of them fighting for hours sometimes days. She blamed their arguments on me. My dad became a passive, quiet man. He reads books all day. Sometimes they don't speak for days.
I became a cutter and tried to end my life twice. Her reaction was to laugh at me.  Crippling depression aside, I had lots of friends. I had bullies too, but at least I learned to be around people. I spent my days outside and ran away a few times too. Anything to be away from the house.

I moved out when I was 18. Studied a subject not approved by my mother. She started to gossip about me to her immediate family at that time. To this day her family thinks I'm broke, troubled out of work. I'm the only one who never gets asked hows work etc at family functions. I always felt like they all hated me, now I know why.

I got a brother ten years my junior. When I moved out she guilted me endlessly, used my bother as a pawn for that guilt. I can't even go into that detail because I honestly blacked it out. Just thinking about this makes my stomach hurt. To this day anything that happens to my bother is because I moved out and wasn't there to raise him.
To this day my bother, the golden child,  doesn't have friends. He's 25 now. A virgin, unemployed. He doesn't know how to communicate, take care of himself, wash his face properly. When he comes to my place for the weekend he expects me to take care of him and doesn't clean up after himself. He sees my place as a vacay from responsibility.... which is bizarre because he has none. We were brushing teeth together in the morning last time, and I realised he had foam on his face still because he didn't know to rinse properly. I had to show him how to floss. He sulked all weekend because I wouldn't take him to a pub, even though before he came over I told him I had a major deadline.

The weirdest part here is that Nmom's behaviour is just so hard to grasp. Conversations go in circles. Me trying to establish boundaries is met with hostility and blame. I haven't seen her in a year, but she wants to "move forward and let the past be the past". I told her I don't feel good after seeing her, and she replied that maybe I should take a look at myself.....winky face emoji.

I have no idea where I stand any more. I feel so defeated. I'm riddled with guilt. I'm tired of being a  caretaker, but I have no idea how to accept care and support from people. I just realised, everyone I ever dated and every close friend I ever had was Adopted. I have a massive family. I always felt like an orphan.

I'm sad for my dad, the enabler. I'm sad that religion and duty made him stay. I'm sad that he went from my biggest inspiration to becoming a hollow shell of a person. His light is gone. He constantly urges me not to rattle feathers so he doesn't have to argue with her later.

I'm sad for my brother. When I moved out my Nmom made him promise ( he was 10 at the time btw) that he'll never leave her and that he'll never study outside from the shitty little town with one school they chose to live in because her family lives there. I'm sad that he's depressed and isolated. I'm sad that he never had a chance. I'm sad that he thinks me and mom argue because I rebelled too much as a kid. I'm sad that I spent all that time raising him as a baby, toddler, kid, and that I wasn't able to instil in him a sense of dignity, self-esteem and self-worth, work ethic, perseverance.... or hygiene.

I'm sad that my parents make reckless financial decisions (actually they're all her decisions) and that its seen as my duty to clean up the mess. I'm sad because I know my mom makes these terrible decisions so that she has an opportunity to guilt me into cleaning up the mess.
They're selling their house now, and plan to buy two apartments (for them and for my bother). The market here is awful for that, their bank or any advisor would have said the same. 


I'm so sorry that this is so long. It's weird.... I write a lot in my work but I'm sitting at my laptop for over an hour trying to write this and I can't even form sentences. I'm sure this reads badly... I'm not even conveying a part of it.

Anyway... I wasnt to go NC. My dad keeps insisting I call them once a week to check-in and let them know I'm alive. That's the scope of their vision.  Survival. Not living.... surviving. I don't want to do that any more.
I don't want to speak to my mom any more. She's never going to change. She'll never get help, and she will never self reflect.
She has never apologized to anyone in her life, and I've never heard her say "I love you".

Thinking about my family makes my stomach hurt. Writing this is brutal. I feel like I'm betraying them in these words.
I'm going to be starting therapy soon to deal with my neglect, abandonment and PTSD issues.


If anyone reads this, I'd love some advice on how to go NC. What the f to say.
Do I go NC with my bother?

[Boat Babe]

Hey there Lightereveryday, your story horrified me. I want to cry for you. I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

You've got a HUGE amount of trauma to process and heal from AND ongoing contact with your FOO. Please get all the help and support you can to be with you in the next few years. Do all it takes to heal yourself.

You have a very clear take on your situation and write beautifully. May I suggest you read The Birthday Letters by Ted Hughes? It's a collection of poems that he wrote about his wife, the poet and novelist Sylvia Plath.   

Also, I can't recommend practices such as yoga or tai chi highly enough. We carry so much of our pain in our bodies and these practices bring very real relief.

I wish you well on your journey to yourself.

[Boat Babe]

Just reread the last paragraph about NC. I would suggest you slowly limit contact, citing business/work/studies etc. Start spacing visits out giving you more time without all that crazy disordered sh*t.  If you still want to see your brother, perhaps meet up somewhere neutral like a cafe.

That removes the opportunity for drama that a formal declaration of NC would provide.

Personally I moved a hundred miles away from my mother and now have a cast iron excuse for not popping in everyday.

All the best.

[Penny Lane]

Hi lightereveryday.

I'm so glad you found us. The good thing about this board is that you don't have to have the exact right words because people here know exactly what you're going through.

I'm so glad you're going to go to therapy - that's helped a lot of people here immensely.

If you haven't checked out the toolbox and the resources at the top of the page, I highly recommend it. That might give you some clarity into those circular conversations and some strategies for avoiding them.

As for how to go no contact ... some people have a "this is the end" conversation. Some write a letter and send it. Some write a letter and don't send it. Some just fade out.

I suggest if you do have the one last conversation, you come up with a script for what to say to their questions/manipulation/bullying. Bonus points if it's a script you can repeat to yourself later if you start to feel bad about the NC. I suggest "I need to do this to work on my mental health."

And your brother. That's up to you, and you don't have to make a permanent decision right now. I do know that if you remain in contact with him you'll have to have extremely firm boundaries, maybe that you just don't talk about your parents at all. He will almost certainly be dispatched as a flying monkey. He might never be a truly safe person for you to be around.

I suggest making another post on the going no contact with a PD parent board - the people there will have a lot of good advice for you, I think.



Good luck, I look forward to hearing how your story progresses.

[lightereveryday]

Thank you SO much for the encouragement, solidarity and most of all for reading!

The process os healing is super daunting and the guilt is the hardest part. I'm actively looking for a therapist in my area, and am getting back into motivation and yoga. It's hard to motivate myself into self-care sometimes.
Thank you as well for the book suggestion, I'll be sure to pick that up.

Just for context, I live in a different city than my parents, and often travel for work. Just came back from 6 months in the EU, managing a project any healthy parents would be thrilled about. When I told my Nmom about being nominated for this project, grants awarded etc and going to the EU to do this.....her reaction was: "(Name of country in the EU)? There's a lot of rapes there. I don't know... are you sure the company will pay you? You know we can't afford to bail you out..."

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi lightereveryday,

What a great name you created for yourself. It creates positive energy just reading it or writing it!

Going NC goes a bit differently for each person so keep in mind that your process here will look similar to some of ours but will be unique to your situation,  and how you take your own beautiful, unique steps to be lightereveryday during the process.

What helped me was to get some of the vocabulary because then I could identify the different elements I was dealing with. I was also badgered to call to check in to "see if I'm still alive". I get that when you say how frustrating that is. It could be to do "induced conversation".

There is something Narcissistic people do called induced conversation. There is a youtube video about it by Ross Rosenberg.

You will probably benefit from reading about gaslighting so that you can see how to cope with that when someone is gaslighting you.

A therapeutic relationship can help you to have a safe space to express yourself to someone whose only job is to support you. Any decent counselor should be able to help you to identify your options and let you talk through how you feel about each option and what might be other options that you didn't think of.

For example, if yoga and getting to yoga class is not really an option today, what is an option for you to ground yourself, in the present, at some point today, before you go to bed? It can be a treat to eat and enjoy, it can be a walk, a good magazine to read, a visit to a pet store to pet some puppies....the idea is to nurture your self each day , as you work on the NC, the sibling stuff, the other stresses of the present day.

I had to go through a few therapists before finding one that could help me with the shame and guilt. Ideally all therapists would be trauma informed but right now for what you are navigating, anyone who can listen empathetically and support you as you identify options and make some decisions, should be able to provide that kind of therapeutic support.

The healing process is going to take different energy at different times. After I went NC, I could finally rest more. After I went NC, some of the things I wanted to do for myself became easier to do. And after I went NC, the guilt became understood better and I could feel myself feeling lighter because I was able to mentally "give back" the emotions that were theirs, not mine. They didn't want to deal with x in their life so they tried to make me feel responsible for fixing x. The first 2 years NC for me, I slowly let them "have" this stuff back. It wasn't mine. I couldn't fix their past experiences, their problems with money, their problems with jobs, etc. It wasn't for me to fix. All of that became very clear as the NC went from months to years. It doesnt mean we don't love them it means we can't live in service to them.

They are responsible for their feelings.

We are responsible for learning how to love ourselves so that what we give to others, is not based in ignoring our needs.

When we deepen our commitment  to love ourselves,  others face a choice as to whether they can honor us as unique, loveable beings. As a child you didn't have the choices you have now. As an adult you are now in a position to say to everyone, including kin, flesh and blood, "this is how I need to be treated. If you cannot do this, I am sorry, but there will now be a boundary where there wasn't one before."

It is beyond sad that those of us with NPD parents must watch our own parents scramble to assert control over their grown children instead of being able to love us as we are, and cheer us on and see us for who we have become and celebrate us. I know it hurts and I can tell you that it does get easier.   

They want you to do things for them... and you did a lot for them...in therapy and here, and by reading and reflecting, you will come to feel proud of yourself for all you've given to others around you. You will see things you didn't see before and that is how we nurture ourselves. We see the things we need, and we give back the things we were carrying that don't belong to us. Like the anger our parent. might have for things that happened to them long ago. We give that back to them, lovingly and firmly (in our minds). This is how we make our selves lightereveryday. 

Your mom's reaction to your job sounds exactly like mine was. I've been NC for almost 15 years now and I have come to understand how significant it was for me to, like you, choose my field and not let them dictate that, pursue my career goals despite their sabotaging and lack of support.

You are going to become better and better friends with a very important person over the next while: you.

Keep posting and let us know how we can support you! You don't have to do this all alone. And congrats on your work achievements, nomination and project successes. That is wonderful to have work you are engaged by,  and recognized for. Lovely!

[SerenityCat]

Welcome lightereveryday, I am glad that you found us. I'm sending you virtual hugs and solidarity. Your post is eloquent, I hear you and empathize.

[lightereveryday]

You folks are all so amazing. I can't tell you how thankful I am for your kind replies. It's crazy to see how similar some of these situations are, how our narcs develop the same systems of behaviour.

After this post I made a youtube playlist and hit up amazon. Your wisdom is so valued here and it's given me a lot of relief.
I'm starting therapy next week officially.
I'm making time in my schedule for me. For meditation, writing, yoga.

Sometimes it's enough to know you're not alone in order to have the strength to move forward.

Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart. I'm looking forward to sharing this mutual journey with you all.

[treesgrowslowly]

Whoa, those fireworks made my day! You are so welcome!

I'm so glad to read your latest post. There is freedom in gaining the knowledge we are not alone in our quest for peace and health for our selves. It sounds like you've identified several ways you are going to help yourself with the journey of travelling as someone who is Out of the FOG.

Yeah!

[Andeza]

Hi! Welcome to the forum

It's so wonderful to see you are taking steps to care for and protect yourself. By the way you write, I would recommend Journaling. Any time something about what you've been through just clicks and you gain insight or deeper understanding, write it down. I keep a draft email where I do just that, so I have access to it anywhere.

I might also recommend stream of consciousness writing, especially pen on paper sort any time you feel really burdened. The physical act of writing is immensely helpful. You cast these words onto the page, and in a way they leave you, taking the weight of the feelings with them...

We're here to help! 

[Lizard Huntress]

Hello and welcome!

You said something that I didn't know anyone else experienced.  One day when I was about 16 my father told me "Your mother wants me to spend less time with you."  I can't believe she told him that and I can't believe he told me.  But now I read these books and parental jealousy seems common with narcissists.  My parents almost divorced after he had an affair, then one day I got a phone call from my mother that they were working it out.  I cried, from sadness.  I felt she was killing him.  And he did find an early grave.

Your story breaks my heart and I am glad you are here.  I am new and already feel the kindness and it is so healing.  I wish you well on your journey.

[PeanutButter]

Welcome!
Theres been so many fantastic responses. I cant really add much. But I am glad that you are here.
None of what happened to you was your fault! You deserve peace. IMO Even if you could help your brother or father, you would need to help yourself first.
My ubpdM raged at and physically assaulted my enF on a regular basis as I watched. She also was jealous of any attention between us. Basically he wasnt 'allowed' to 'parent' me. I didnt realize this might be a symptom of PD mothers. She was physically, emotionally,and verbally abusive to me but enF didnt notice
The way that I view NC is that in order to heal I am reparenting my innerchild. My innerchild needs me to protect her now from her abusers. Part of the abuse was guilt instilled by both M & F if I displeased ubpdM. So the guilt is not a 'true' feeling. It is a family 'systems feeling'. https://youtu.be/49y9sgbc3Sc jerry wise video on how to recognise true feelings versus systems feelings