Anyone else hyper alert to certain behaviors after going NC

[Gaining Clarity]

Hi all,

I've been NC with NPD FOO (Mother, Sibs) nearly two years now. So far, I've been doing well. However, in the past six months, I've noticed that I am hyperalert/aware of certain PD behaviors in others.

I've had several instances during this time where people in my life and other acquaintances have exhibited behaviors very similar to FOO - getting mad at me for setting a boundary, expecting me to take responsibility for their behavior/not apologizing, ignoring me when I am speaking to them, not asking anything about me (even a "How are you?") despite the fact that I take an interest in them on a regular basis, etc.

I recognize that they are not healthy to me or helpful in healing from the dysfunction. But I do wonder if I'm in hyperdrive now and reacting to situations/reactions rashly on my road to recovery. Has anyone experienced the same thing? Have you wondered if you're being TOO sensitive to every slight - perceived or real? How did you discern between the two (I will bring it up with the involved party but often get an explanation that it's my mistake/fault and then I question my perception)? Also, have any of you found yourselves really emotional/teary-eyed when dealing with/contemplating this stuff?

My intuition has been pretty spot on about most people and situations (unfortunately, upbringing conditioned me to disregard my intuition 

Any of your sage advice is most appreciated! Thanks!

[Groundhog Day]

I've been NC for 2 yrs as well and I have very low tolerance of PD behaviours. I go on hyper-alert as well avoid and steer away from them. If for any reason I really have to deal with PD either at work or a relative, I will find an excuse to get away. I have recently reacted from a PD's toxic behavior and it has upset me greatly. I think it is mostly because the PD toxic behavior was towards a child and this time I did not back away.

I do feel very sensitive regarding N, bullies, etc.. I do not have much patience after having to go NC with BPDm 2 years ago. I have a tendency to get upset and have realized it is not good for my health as anxiety kicks in. I do need to stay away from such people and their enablers as well.

[Eaubleu]

Hello Gaining Clarity,

Hyper alert is normal and it happened to me too.

When you go NC things get more calm and quite. You have more internal room for other realizations and the surface of other feelings, and you become more sensitive to things that before your were desensitize. You may start to realize about your emotional  wounds as well. Hyper alert it's a sort of PTSD against certain behaviors. It will pass. At least it did in my case.

To develop and trust  your intuition is very important as that is a sort of  flashlight in the darkness of the first stages of the individualization process. In that stage , at least in my case, my intuition got extremely sharp and spot on.

The exit to freedom has a unique route that only you can find, intuition is the key to find the way out. At least it was in my own process.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes. NC going on two years. I have no tolerance for manipulation and BS. I avoid people I don't find trustworthy as much as possible, and I'm in hyperalert mode when I do need to interact.

I've posted about my unstable neighbor... his behaviors send me into terrible anxiety and PTSD symptoms. I'm actually going to meet with a therapist again next week and possibly go back on antidepressants due to this trigger. It feels like a huge setback after "graduating" from both therapy and medication.

[all4peace]

I understand how easy it is to question one's self, to know whether our intuition is accurate or if we are in fight or flight. I have found this article recently to be very helpful.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2019/08/use-this-4-step-technique-to-decide-if-you-can-trust-your-feelings-or-not/

The author has 2 good books on healing from childhood emotional neglect.

[mimzy]

Absolutely! I have heard from self help podcasts that we have a radar for these types and might even be drawn to them because of how we were raised by our pd caregivers. I too have no time for them when my gut instinct goes off. I avoid them like the plague and do not hesitate to put down boundaries. Lately I have been experiencing these triggers at work and it's very annoying. I sit across from someone who has exhibited PD/ N tendencies and what I do is keep my head down and headphones in to avoid further triggers. Congrats on going NC for 2 years by the way. 

[Gaining Clarity]

Thanks for the comments, All! It's heartening to know that others understand and can validate those feelings.

Groundhog Dog: It must have been difficult witnessing that incident with the child. I'm sure it triggered some of your own past experiences.

Eaubleu: I love how you explained what I'm feeling. Thanks for the reassurance.

CallMeCordelia: I am familiar with your neighbor situation from your previous posts. A big hug to you. It must be so stressful. I know it's hard when you're in the thick of it but try not to view it as a setback as much as more reinforcement as to why you need to make your well being a priority. I had a recent incident where for a moment I thought the same thing and then resolved to view it as further proof that I DO NOT have to tolerate that behavior and that I am deserving of setting/enforcing boundaries. I'm trying to do more positive, autonomous self-talk vs. a negative/subjugated internal narrative.

All4peace: Thanks for the link. I'm familiar with Jonice Webb. Somehow, I missed this article previously. So I appreciate it.

Mimzy: Yes! Yes! Thanks for the confirmation that it's okay to have no tolerance towards that behavior. Hope things settle down with your coworker.

[KeepingMyBlue]

Yes! I've learned how to get quiet for a minute and observe whenever I see red flags. Kind of a trust my gut but verify. I understand I might see a certain phrase used as a weapon by someone else, now is not with this person. But if it still feels wrong, it might just be, and that distance is a great protection.

[Gaining Clarity]

"Kind of a trust my gut but verify. " Yes, KeepingMyBlue! Spot on! I'm doing more of this rather than reacting based on my FOO history. Despite it being unfortunate that my instincts are usually correct after verification, it is simultaneously empowering knowing that the narratives reinforced by my FOO are falling by the wayside and that I am able to trust MYSELF first and foremost.

[newlife33]

Same vibes.  I trust my gut and get out as soon as I feel someone is toxic or manipulative or full of shite.  I still get triggered tho if I'm in a room and I hear it happening to someone else, or if someone is rude to someone else I really get triggered.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I guess I am one more person on this thread to reply that yes indeed I do feel like I am on hyper-alert overdrive where the slightest comment or dismissive gesture triggers warnings inside my head to stay away. I have felt like I am too easily triggered. Then I think after being scapegoated by my family my whole life, maybe the good thing is that I now have a great filtering system to keep the toxic people at a distance so they cannot damage me.  Do not be ashamed or diminish your inner guidance. You do not have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt or always assume the best in them, which is the way many of us are raised.  Some people just do not deserve our trust, and it is alright to keep them at a distance unless they can prove a reason to do otherwise.

[Gaining Clarity]

Newlife33: I can relate. Scapegoats are often empaths. Empaths - by their very nature - can put themselves in someone else's shoes and sympathize (the opposite of most of our FOOs). I guess that 's why we're so hyperalert. It triggers our own past traumas and also is intensified when we witness it happening to someone else. Occasionally in these situations, I have spoken up for the person being treated badly. I guess it's two-fold: I feel the need to mitigate that toxicity in the moment, while simultaneously wishing someone had spoken up for me now and then when I was experiencing. Maybe I'm subsconsciously defending my young self when defending someone else?

Blueberry Pancakes: I love what you said and thanks for those encouraging words. Just as scapegoats are empaths, I also have read that we do develop a hyperawareness because we never knew from one minute to the next whether we would be getting the nice or volatile version of our FOOs. We had to constantly be looking for all visual and verbal cues that would indicate whether they would get upset with us and then do whatever we could to quell it. You're right though that the silver lining in that unpredictable behavior has helped us hone a good filtering system.

[mimzy]

Oh, my. I have to chime in about this topic again. I am really struggling with a colleague who sits near me. She reminds me of a former toxic friendship I once had and eventually broke up with due to lack of empathy and inability to take responsibility for her part in the dysfunction. This colleague also behaves similarly to my former friend in that she comes across as inauthentic and easily angered. When I'm around her, my heart beats super quick and I find I am loaded for bear, so to speak. Hopefully, it will pass. The good news is that I am following my gut and not doing what I used to do - thinking that because I am receiving these warning signs the problem is all with me and I should, therefore, get over it and be chummy with her.

[Gaining Clarity]

Mimzy-You said: "The good news is that I am following my gut and not doing what I used to do - thinking that because I am receiving these warning signs the problem is all with me and I should, therefore, get over it and be chummy with her."

Isn't it liberating and confidence-building? I applaud you for being strong, heeding your intuition and looking out for yourself.

[Lillith65]

I'm 17 months into NC, and, like you, hyper alert to PD behaviours. I told my psychiatrist when I saw him recently that I just don't want to be around people who hurt me.

It doesn't matter whether it's trivial: an acquaintance making a snide comment, or major: a family member not inviting me to a family event, I don't want any part of it.

I genuinely feel that now that I'm not enmeshed with PDs - I have had a lot of them in my life - it's like I have PDar and the ping hits me before anyone else. I met a woman the other day, she said three words and I knew - NARC! I backed out of any conversation and just watched her operate. When she tried to engage me I gave her GR.

So I think that it is normal to develop this reaction after a history like ours.

[Drawing_boundaries]

Thanks for starting this thread.
I too remember a point after going NC in which I became really conscious of all the PD behaviours people exhibit. I felt like I was seeing PD everywhere. I now understand that I was taking the first steps away from trauma bond style relating with others. Something I am still working on. From where I stand relating to other in a healthy way is my aim - part of that journey is being vigilant on PD behaviours. If I can see and name something I can do something about it. I hope things become easier for you as time passes.

[Drawing_boundaries]

I'm actually going to meet with a therapist again next week and possibly go back on antidepressants due to this trigger. It feels like a huge setback after "graduating" from both therapy and medication.

Hi Call Me Cordelia,
Your words have struck a cord with me. I posted a week ago about considering going back on antidepressants. I have now filled the script but have not taken them (yet) because I feel a little bit along this lines of weaning myself off & am I just over reacting. How have you been going with your decisions around antidepressants?

[Gaining Clarity]

Lillith65: "PDar" is such an apt description for what I'm feeling! Hope you're feeling stronger and more confident each day 

Drawing Boundaries (love your name): Glad you're enjoying this thread. You're so right about noticing PD behaviors as the first step in breaking free of trauma bonding. It is an ongoing process. That's why I love this forum, it makes me feel heard and encouraged, which is so important to this process. I also love what you said about seeing and naming something means we can do something about it. Hugs to you!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm actually going to meet with a therapist again next week and possibly go back on antidepressants due to this trigger. It feels like a huge setback after "graduating" from both therapy and medication.

Hi Call Me Cordelia,
Your words have struck a cord with me. I posted a week ago about considering going back on antidepressants. I have now filled the script but have not taken them (yet) because I feel a little bit along this lines of weaning myself off & am I just over reacting. How have you been going with your decisions around antidepressants?

Therapist thinks it's a good idea but I need to get myself one more appointment with somebody who can actually prescribe I.e. get myself a PCP in my new town. I should get on that...

[Drawing_boundaries]

Hi Call Me Cordelia - how affirming to have your T agree with you.
After posting this too you I realised how much the decision to take them was consuming me.... A sign that my mental state isn't fabulous. So I've started back up and within 12 hours I have felt a subduing of my ocd & a dulling of my anxiety.
Good luck with your appointment & first days back on (if you choose that)