Undiagnosed Borderline Ex is having a baby with the new stepmom

unicorn · September 04, 2019, 09:23:02 PM

I always knew this would happen, just like I knew that he would date and get married quickly. But now that it's here, it's crazier. My kids all seem excited about it, which I am happy about, but also my immature gut reaction is to dislike how happy they are. They also just bought a house, a new car. They have no extra bedroom at their home for an infant, so I'm not sure how they will work that out. I certainly hope they don't assume the baby will shack up one of my (much older) children.

I understand none of this is really my problem, or really any of my business. And I am trying to let it all go. But here is the worst part for me in all of this. He SO thinks he is better than me right now. I can see it in his demeanor. He has a wife, a house, a new car, a baby.... and he thinks I'm over here all alone. Granted I don't want the aforementioned wife, house, baby, and especially not with him, but it's bothering me.

I haven't seen them in person yet, but I will have to say the obligatory congratulations. I hope I am in a better place with I am faced with that situation so I can handle as nonchalantly as possible.

I guess I just really need to vent and accept any advice. Also this guy should NOT be having another child. I do feel badly for the life that they are bringing in, but at least it will have some wonderful half siblings.

Stepping lightly · September 05, 2019, 08:20:27 AM

Hi Unicorn,

I think you reaction is totally normal, in all circumstances. It's ok to feel what you are feeling, and maybe it will help to think of all the sleepless nights and poopy diapers they have coming their way!

I had a hard time when BM got pregnant a couple of years ago. I had tried fertility without success, and she can just pop out kids without problem...and she really needs to not be parenting anymore people on this earth. I'm about 8 years older than BM, Imagine how much I had to bite my tongue when 8 year old DSD asked me "do you think you could handle having a downs syndrome child?" (she had no idea about the fertility...that was kept well under wraps to everyone) OH BOY! She did not come up with that one on her own, I was LIVID! I responded with a smile, "Honey, of course I could, I would cherish any child God decides to put in my life".

DSS12 is now sharing a room with a spoiled 2 year old who gets whatever he wants, so I get your concerns. The other thing- BM used the baby to guilt DSD while she was with us, "OH, he smiled for the first time today, you missed it". when the baby was like 2 months old she said, "baby misses you SO much while you are gone"...gag!

Penny Lane · September 05, 2019, 10:01:12 AM

I would add, I'm certain they are NOT happy. She is as miserable as you were with him, I guarantee it. He can feel superior but you KNOW your life is better than any life with him, new baby or no.

Those feelings aside I think you're right to worry about this. I can't imagine that a baby is going to make him less stressed or a better parent to your kids. I'm glad they have you to make one stable household for them.

Sorry. I wish I had a more comforting thought for you. Sending you lots of good thoughts and grace to get through the awkward congratulations conversation.

PeanutButter · September 05, 2019, 10:33:43 AM

Quote from: unicorn on September 04, 2019, 09:23:02 PM
I always knew this would happen, just like I knew that he would date and get married quickly. But now that it's here, it's crazier. My kids all seem excited about it, which I am happy about, but also my immature gut reaction is to dislike how happy they are. They also just bought a house, a new car. They have no extra bedroom at their home for an infant, so I'm not sure how they will work that out. I certainly hope they don't assume the baby will shack up one of my (much older) children.

I understand none of this is really my problem, or really any of my business. And I am trying to let it all go. But here is the worst part for me in all of this. He SO thinks he is better than me right now. I can see it in his demeanor. He has a wife, a house, a new car, a baby.... and he thinks I'm over here all alone. Granted I don't want the aforementioned wife, house, baby, and especially not with him, but it's bothering me.

I haven't seen them in person yet, but I will have to say the obligatory congratulations. I hope I am in a better place with I am faced with that situation so I can handle as nonchalantly as possible.

I guess I just really need to vent and accept any advice. Also this guy should NOT be having another child. I do feel badly for the life that they are bringing in, but at least it will have some wonderful half siblings.

I think I understand. IME I agree that these are normal feelings.
My uNPDxh started dating someone a few days after I left. They were pregnant within a few months. He bought her a car. They got a house.
Although I absolutely did not want to be with him let alone have a child with him, it bothered me.
They were putting on a 'happy family' public persona. I felt looked down on as a divorced mother, renting an apt, driving an old car, etc.
Like you said none of it mattered. Those feelings passed.
I also agree they will not be happy IME
My uNPDxh got divorced after a couple of years. Then he got married again for an even shorter time before he divorced again. LOL
IMO uNPDxh cannot stand to be alone. So he will 'date' anyone who will have him just to be in a relationship. He can only keep up the act necessary for the honeymoon phase for a short time before he is seen for what he really is.
IMO You have a better life than he does and you will have better relationships than he does because you are doing hard work to attain those results, while your x sounds like he is after instant gratification and putting on a show.

athene1399 · September 05, 2019, 10:44:58 AM

I completely understand where you are coming from. My one ex stole my half of our money out of our joint bank account after we broke up, then bought an engagement ring for his new g/f. Then the company bought him a new car. I owned the house (and he made no payments while we lived together), but drove a crappy car. It made me a little mad. I was the responsible one and felt punished for it. He left me broke. I stayed home to pay the bills while he went out drinking every night and didn't pay a thing towards the bills. Also, when I would bring up that maybe one day I might change my mind and would maybe want a baby, he screamed at me. He would call me an idiot. He would say I'd better not change my mind because he didn't want kids. Guess who's now married with two kids.

I'd hate to still be with him. But it still stung for a bit. I was a little mad. But I also don't have to deal with his BS anymore. So on days when I got upset over his new car, I started thinking about the good things in my life and how I have less stress now without him.

Boat Babe · September 05, 2019, 01:45:21 PM

I think it's perfectly natural to feel the way you do in the circumstances. So, accept that you have these feelings and look at them in a spirit of compassion for yourself. You'll learn something I'm sure and this will hasten the healing time for you.

Given that PDs don't really change much, or at all, you have to feel sorry for his new wife who will have to go through all that sh*t herself.

I keep meeting up with my ex uPDbf's exes cos it's a small world where I live and he was/is very promiscuous. We all have the same story of life with this guy and ate all mightily relieved to be free of him. If I didn't have a life, I would organise a posse of us to go to the pub he drinks in and just all stare silently at him !!!

unicorn · September 06, 2019, 10:44:24 AM

Thank you, I think I just need to accept my feelings. It's nice to hear that its normal to feel this way. I do feel badly for her, I was in her shoes for a long time and its not any fun. I wish I could just drop it all, but the kids are excited and bring it up. Although I am happy that they want to talk to me about it.

hhaw · September 06, 2019, 05:17:37 PM

Just thank God it's not you. Thank God you're free, and have your children mostly raised. Thank God you don't have to spend time thinking about the PD, his new wife, or their baby. You're free to enjoy the life you've made, and are still building.

I think, sometimes, that caring what the PDs think is an ongoing habit we learn to break.

First we notice it. Then we accept and embrace it, then choose to let it go. We build other habits, and get more of what we want from life.

unicorn · September 06, 2019, 08:22:44 PM

Yes, it is like habit that I need to break. And honestly I'm so tired of it, and I'm tired of even hearing myself talk about it. I'm sure my friends are all tired of it also.

hhaw · September 06, 2019, 08:55:29 PM

I think that's part of the process... getting sick to death tired of being sick to death tired of thinking about it.

And then we DO and think other things. We build new brain pathways. We stop giving energy to the old pathways.

It's a process.

Just be super compassionate with yourself, and curious about your inner world as you move through it. Pay attention.... shift into observer mode, and get to know yourself. Noticing is important.