Abusing filial piety

[Pepin]

So....my DH falls into this camp, I guess.  He subscribes to honoring his parents wishes...

I guess my question is: why only him of all the kids?  Somehow he got selected to be the ONE who knows best and therefore is trusted.  He has even been advised to look out for his older sibling, while his sisters are more or less able to do what they want to do, aka, they are considered the property of their husband's family....which I think is horrible and an outdated way of thinking.

The more  think about all of this and PDmil's behavior, is filial piety kind of abusive?  I mean, how is it loving to be raised for the sole purpose to care for an elder?  If all of the kids had a role, then yes, I'd feel a little less ruffled about it....but since it is mostly DH....it kind of infringes on my marriage and relationship with him.  None of the other siblings have to endure what DH endures...and neither do their spouses. 

And not only that but this sort of thing wasn't even on my radar when I met DH.  How could I have known?  None of it made sense until after FIL passed away...and then I was like ohhhhhhhhh.......... PDmil became a different woman who was literally hanging off DH as FIL's replacement.     She went from normal to waif and even DH was confused.

I see I cannot get out of this situation.  I really feel like it is unfair and abusive.  I would never ask my children to do something like this for me.  I have always told them that if I need care, I can find others to do it.  I will not fight going to assisted living when it is time....I will embrace it.  I would prefer that my children go out into the world and help others....because they shouldn't be forced to give up their dreams for me or DH.  We are just two people and my kids could help so many people.  I feel like filial piety is extremely selfish the way PDmil has been using it. 

I feel like DH has definitely had some of his dreams squashed...and this makes me sad for him.  But, now so many things make sense about him and his relationship with his mother.  *sigh* Her behavior has been rooted in filial piety while she has been a widow -- and even a little before -- ramping it up when DH and his siblings started getting married, I think.  It explains my entire marriage and why things were done the way they were: to suit PDmil.  This is one of the most covert things I have ever experienced...

[Free2Bme]

Pepin,

Honoring parents comes from a place of either 'duty' or 'devotion'.  Devotion is freely given from a place of love/respect.  Duty, just checking a box.  If DH  MIL is PD, then it's likely she groomed her children to orbit 'dutifully' around her using guilt/manipulation.  It might be uncomfortable to pull away from this assigned role, for fear it might throw the planetary order out of whack and collapse the entire universe.  The status quo is a lot more predictable.

I witnessed this dynamic in my updhx FOO.  My SIL, number 3:5 siblings, is the 'chosen one', whilst my H ( #4:5) is 2nd in command.  Curiously, both my updxh and his sister are very successful professionally ($), the other mere mortals are good for other things like mowing lawns and doctor appointments.  All were equally malleable.

After my FIL passed (6 mo before I divorced) I saw MIL become more emboldened, securing getting her needs met by her adult children/adult grandkid's.  She was not at all convincing as the grieving widow, didn't really miss a beat, laughing and the center of attention even at the hospice center when he was dying. Everyone seemed oblivious to her total lack of grief/emotion.  It was really strange, very covert.

Maybe it is just easier for your DH to keep doing the dance rather than disrupt and deal with the ripple effect throughout family.  Maybe to him, it's the path of least resistance, or he feels he would be letting down his dad?  Maybe it solves something for him on the inside so that he won't have emotional baggage when she's gone?   

I can understand how it would feel like your MIL is there in the middle of your marriage.  They can be intrusive, even when they are not in the room.  In my case, I was never accepted as he was her trophy son.  My updxh was never able to get real about her and upheld the family narrative.  I think this was a function of his own PD.  There's a book entitled "The Narcissistic Family" (Pressman), not sure if you've read it.  It looks helpful and is on my list but don't know much about it. 

I believe my MIL would be thrilled to think she came between me and H, I never gave her the satisfaction.  Hopefully, you and DH can find a way to insulate yourselves a bit going forward.

....peace

[Pepin]

Maybe it is just easier for your DH to keep doing the dance rather than disrupt and deal with the ripple effect throughout family.  Maybe to him, it's the path of least resistance, or he feels he would be letting down his dad?  Maybe it solves something for him on the inside so that he won't have emotional baggage when she's gone?   

This seems to be the path he is taking and after she passes (whenever that is) he will likely feel relief.  There has been so much caretaking and so little actually having a healthy relationship with each other.  Every meet up is transactional and nothing else.

At the time of FIL's death, I didn't really witness much if any grief from PDmil.  For sure she was shocked...because it happened so fast.  It was evident that she was scared for her life to be left alone...rather than show sadness over losing a life partner.  She was unable to stay with him for long or even overnight as he was dying and recruited mostly DH for this task.  None of the other kids stepped in for this to help.  It seemed like an abandonment on her end - like she was letting go of him first before he even passed.  Brings massive tears to my eyes...I cannot imagine treating my DH like this if he were to pass first.

Since then, PDmil has displayed no sense of having moved on with her grief.  I understand there is no timeline for this...but it is unsettling.  She is no pillar of strength...nor an example for any of us that may find ourselves widowed in the future.  DH was expected to basically fill in and do many things that FIL did...which meant he spent less time with his own family.  His siblings didn't have to change their lives the way DH did. 

No doubt DH as the GC has been groomed.  He just displayed characteristics that PDmil deemed favorable.  Otherwise, DH'a older sibling would have been the GC...and perhaps he was until PDmil discovered DH's talents.