He said I am an unfit mother

[Blackbird11]

Welp, I hit my limit this week. Absolute, full stop. I will be pursuing a divorce.

He has been trying to do this nice guy hoover act lately but it's interspersed with very negative statements both said directly toward to me and also about me to other people - so he can paint himself as the victim to everyone we know, of course. In addition to his flirtation with a dating site membership, you would think that would be enough - but I was still waffling. Besides, I was used to all of the low level insults he has been hurling at me the past few years.

Well - a few days ago we tried to be nice to each other and take kid out to breakfast as co parents. It started on the way there. He was saying he thinks there still a chance for us which - at this point we're a few months into separation and separate bedrooms. Not happening. So I tried to gently explain that to him. Because you know - I still care about his feelings and don't want him to be misled.

He didn't like that and proceeded to try and convince me that I cannot survive without him. I then reminded him I was alive for over 20 years before I met him, and I'm quite sure I can figure life out after him.

We go in at that point to have an awkward breakfast, then on the way home he shifted gears. Luckily our kid fell asleep during this. Stbx uPDh started to try and tell me that because I have experienced anxiety and depression before that he basically considers me an unfit mother who needs to be supervised with my child.

I started to cry and was completely amazed that he would say something like that to me as I have literally been my child's primary caretaker outside of work for well over a year (only up until I asked for a separation, at which point he started to love bomb his toddler kid and start a social media account which he blasts with photos of him being the father of the year).

I am completely horrified that he can say something like that to me - based in no truth whatsoever except that I see a T and haven't had to take medication at all except during PPD and only for a few months and even if I still was on meds, it shouldn't matter. I have never hurt anyone or anything.

I will never, ever trust him again. I am documenting even more than I was now and will be avoiding any conversations with him and being alone with him. I've started emailing him anything that has to do with the kids.

He basically threatened me with that remark - and I am done. His family and friends are reaching out to me in hopes of convincing me to stay and they are all unaware of what is going on - that he is abusive and disordered. I am going no contact with them as well until this divorce is final.

[notrightinthehead]

I think you have every reason to be concerned. Sounds like he might be working up towards an unpleasant custody battle. I hope you have real life support - friends and family who can vouch for you. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[Blackbird11]

Thanks NRITH. I have already told my family and close friends and all have said they are there for me and will vouch for me if needed. This includes my T who I've been seeing for years.

Some people are telling me to brush it off and that it's an empty threat but even so to say that to me, in front of my child no less - it's truly astounding.

Why am i still surprised at this point 

[1footouttadefog]

Don't brush it off.  It was a serious signal and threat.

I am glad you have clarity about what you need to do.  No glad about what caused it and what it all means but that you seem to be clear about what is next and are not in waffle mode. 

Be safe and seek legal help as soon as you can.  Alot of people think they know the law and friends and others might act like it now, but you need real answers, because alot is at stake .

Stay strong.

[Spygirl]

Youre a smart momma bear!

You got this. Hold on to this clarity when the hoover starts again......

[Blackbird11]

Thanks SpyGirl and 1foot. Im preparing to go talk to my lawyer again soon. Trying to take it one day at a time.

[Blackbird11]

Spygirl I just came back to this thread - the hoover is back. Unbelievable He also has a photo of us from happier times as his computer desktop. His computer is in the room I use. I don't want to change it and face backlash I just turn the monitor off when I see it. 

[Spygirl]

Very sorry Blackbird,

I was looking over my posts from when i first left, going on 2 years ago.  I was suprised at some of my own writing, and how i had been allowing myself to be manipulated for some time before i really understood what boundries were, and how to make it wk. You will find that some people here  will seem clairvoyant in knowing whats going to happen in your life. It may seem disturbing.
The truth of it is that these people all follow a similar pattern. If you can be gray rock, and observant, it is really wierd. I would mention nothing of what you notice or your clarity on it. It only makes the other party adjust tactics. Be bland and appear non confrontational.  All the things he used to do before that would put you in line will be used. If you pretend not to notice the photos, ignore commenting on them, watch how he will change. I bet he comments on how he " doesnt know what you're thinking".  Keep your plans very quiet, because i PROMISE YOU he is making his own and not speaking of it. Gray rock was my saving grace. I was eventually able to give my expd no indications of my thoughts or emotions. You are in a chess game now to protect yur self and your kid for the future.

[Blackbird11]

You are so right. Thank you. I need to remember all of this.