Cant completely escape my family *trigger warning sexual abuse*

[Sydney16]

So I am 32 years old and I feel like such a child

Still.



My father was molesting me as well as my bro sis and Mom growing up. As well as physical mental and emotional abuse. Dad was selling me to other pedos in motel rooms.



As a result I have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD.



I am on disabilty and work casual part time if that. I live in government housing in the inner city which I am not used to as I grew up on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.



I was forbidden to get a job growing up and being the youngest I guess that added to it I dont know?  I grew up in a wealthy family where i felt my silence was bought. I wanted to run away from home alot growing up but the closest shelter was  30 minutes away and didnt have enough money to get there.( Maybe i could have tried harder I dont know? )



Anyways eventually when my parents divorced when I was 18 I moved with my mom closer and closer to the city every few years and finally I had enough of my moms abuse towards me and went to a shelter. Luckily getting into subsidized housing not too long after.



Anyways the only one i feel close to is my mother. As much as she was abusive to me growing up now that i dont live with her she cant physically or sexually abuse me anymore but definately still emotionally and verbally abuses me although not as bad because i am older wiser and i dont live with her anymore.



But she still pays for some things for me here and there and she pays my internet. There still is alot of finacial abuse. I cant work as of right now full time if ever. Pt jobs are hard enough as it is to come by.
My disabilty is not alot and i live in a very expensive part of the city although my rent is cheap.


I am crippled at time with major anxiety panic attacks and depression often not being able to get out of bed. I habe ibs and that also often makes it hard for me to leave the house.i use drinking to cope. As it sometimes numbs the pain and alleviates the anxiety i have from leaving the house  and stops my ibs attacks. I am in therapy and its ok but not enough i dont think which is why i am reaching out here. I am extremely nervous to post this as i am scared i will be judged or adviced to death. As well i am scared that someone in my family will see this.



Anyways. Life has been tough for me still since leaving. I am not the best at being the adult i should be at 32. I smoke like crazy sometimes drink alot and have had several physical and otherwise abusive relationships and friendships along the way. But luckily i am not in any right now basically.



But i am very lonely. I dont have any close friends except my mom who i have bonded with and we generally lately anyways get along of we dont get into deep things although sometimes we can definately talk about deep things but it often depends on her mood.



Anyways. I have been on and off no contact with my bro and sis for years now but just as of a few weeks ago my father had a major accident at work and was hospitalized. He will be ok he just needs to learn how to walk again. Anyways in a moment of weakness i contacted my sister and saw him a total of 2 times in the hospital.



My dad grabbed me inappropriately at the hospital when no one was looking and i froze up he was also showing me pictures of his new gf who is alot younger than him from a poor country and all the things he bought for her etx. It makes me sick to see him exploit another person as well as what he did to me.



I talk to my aunt but she is most likely a pd flying monkey as well.



I have 4 cousins who i missed alot of time with while they were growing up. I am at least 13 years older than all of them. I know for a fact that my father molested at least 2 of them and i recently just reached out to them as they are older now on social media to catch up etc.



I have been ignoring all my sisters aunts calls texts and messages since the last time i saw my dad at the hospital since i am not sure i can stomach seeing him again. As they keep asking me to visit my dad and telling me how much he misses me etc. I did call and text him a few tkmes but rushes me off the phone or doesnt amswer my texts and now ive kond of given up on it for me and for him



The kicker is that although my mom divorced my dad she went to see him after 18 years as well. And she tells my sister and brother all about my life which than gets passed down to my dad.



I know i probably shouldnt tell her stuff but i have no one else to share my life with other than my therapist and i get soo isolated and lonely.

[Gaining Clarity]

Sydney16,

I'm sorry you've had to endure all of this abuse.

This forum as well as the resources can support you. Keep utilizing both.

Take care of yourself.

[bunnie]

Hi Sydney16,
I second that this is an awesome place to receive validation and support.
For now I will just comment on the anxiety and depression you feel. Our thoughts and feelings can be real but not true. 
By that I mean they are real in that we are experiencing them, but the conclusions we reach because of them may not be true.
It took me a long time to research and learn how to heal because I believed every thought and feeling that I had.  We must challenge
our perceptions and thoughts in order to grow.  As victims of abuse we must acknowledge that we've been in abusive relationships
and/or environments, and then research and learn how to heal from those.  It is a long process, but you will
begin to heal and feel better gradually and consistently.  Be sure to use the toolbox on this forum and begin identifying the types of abuse you've endured. 
As you get comfortable here, post experiences and get feedback on what exactly is happening and happened.

The immediate concern I see in your post is this "Anyways the only one i feel close to is my mother. As much as she was abusive to me growing up now that i dont live with her she cant physically or sexually abuse me anymore but definately still emotionally and verbally abuses me although not as bad because i am older wiser and i dont live with her anymore. "  Emotional and verbal abuse is absolutely abuse, wrecks havoc on our lives and soul, and causes more damage than abuse that is easily identified.
Sending a healing prayer your way

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. It sounds like things have been seriously hard for a long time. I am glad you have reached out for the support and encouragement we can offer you and that you have in real life support in therapy. It makes perfect sense given the level of betrayal and abject lack of safety you and your siblings had growing up that you would need many kinds of support surrounding you.

I want to validate your decision to stay away from your father. His inappropriate touching of you in the hospital alone would be enough to let you know he is absolutely not safe, but along with his past betrayal of you and abuse of you there is no reason to ever be in his presence again. I am just truly so very sorry for the complete moral failure your father has been to you and your family.

The aftermath of abuse and all of you having been stuck in such a confusing and toxic home environment is lasting. Many who have been subjected to such extreme abuse find themselves inexplicably "tied" to their abuser. There is much information about those types of "ties" or "trauma bonds" and it might be really helpful to read more about how to break those and the emotional and psychological dynamic behind them.

There is a book by Patrick Carnes called The Betrayal Bond that has been of great help to me as I too found myself going back over and again to abusive parents and family members. I had to learn entry level self preservation that most people learn in early childhood as those instincts were cruelly and deliberately snuffed out before I was old enough to even fight back. It is possible to rebuild those important and healthy boundaries and to break unhealthy bonds with our abusers, but it takes support and validation and time ime.

There is tremendous hope for you and you clearly have much strength and intelligence and a will to find healing and freedom for yourself.

A couple more resources that may be of help to you is a website with additional, targeted resources for survivors such as yourself:
http://www.ascasupport.org
and forums:
http://www.ascasupport.org/forumEmeetings.php

additional resources:
https://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/adult-survivor-resources-and-support

and more information regarding trauma bonds:
https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Basics/cycle_of_violence.html
and specifically information regarding communal abuse - which can be similar to the type of systemic abuse you describe was ever present in your FOO:
https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/NonIPV/communal_abuse.html

Here at Out of the FOG we can offer support and encouragement, tools from the toolbox for handling circumstances you are facing, and information about the traits of those we suspect have PDs that can be in addition to the in real life work you are doing in therapy and any other group type support work.

Your personal safety is so important. I am thankful you have a stable place to live and are taking steps to heal and gain freedom from the specter of all of this. Sending you strength and wisdom as you handle the contact from the flying monkeys and work through things with your mom as well.

[lilwren]

i've had a very hard life too and i understand the isolation and loneliness.   this site seems like a safe place to be.  i'm glad i found it so i don't feel so lonely.

try to stay involved with the forum and stay connected to places where healthy people hang out online.  maybe post on other's comments and see if you can help them.  try to get out of your own head and problems for at least a few minutes a day.  there is a site called insight timer that has guided meditations that help me so much.  it gives me a different voice ... a different perspective ... guides me to do something positive instead of being negative.  if you have a library card you can get the Overdrive app and listen to books on tape for free.  look online for stupid, funny, things, that make you laugh.  just anything to get someone else's voice in your head besides your own or your abusers.  i hope none of that sounds stupid, but it does help me to get out of my own head and negative thoughts.

rather than relying on your mom for financial help maybe apply for more aid so you can stay online?  having to rely on an abuser for anything is the worst thing.

please don't drink too much.