Denial, Anger and still bargaining...

Started by paulabun, September 06, 2019, 05:46:26 PM

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paulabun

Hi all,.

I'm new to posting but been reading for two and a half years. I've left the guy I've been with since I was 20, again. I'm 50.
First left two and a half years ago after googling 'partner screamimg at me' but went back as we work together and have a son together.
I keep falling for it and have always really known that he thinks he's too good for me. Things he's said (throw-away comments he calls them) and a lack of love that I think we all know. My self esteem must be so low that I keep letting it happen.
The thing is, no matter how many self-help books I read, I keep falling for this shit. He says he misses me but really just wants me to be there in the background.
I have no family or friends anymore, I've got a decent job but he works there too...
I've had the light bulb - he doesn't care about anyone but himself - moment but I still go back.
Has anyone been through this level of hell?
Does anyone have any ideas?

1footouttadefog

Many here have been through there own versions of your story.  Men and women. 

It can take along time to realize that your relationship is a fraud and that the person you thought you married does not actually exist and you cannot bring them back regardless of how much to try and how much you sacrifice and give of yourself. 

At our worst times, I was sure I could have selected a random stranger in public and have a better relationship.  Normal people don't treat others the way a pd will.  They will on average be neutral and polite at worst.  Treat you like a coworker or roommate.  Yet the pds will undermined, torment and undercut and sabataged. 


treesgrowslowly

Hi paulabun,

You're not really in denial because you see that there are problems that persist. It is not easy to untangle from a long term relationship especially with sharing a child and a workplace.

What do you think are some options you have? What sorts of decisions are involved with these options?

Trees

paulabun

Thanks for the reply 1footouttadefog, much appreciated.
Think I just feel a bit hopeless at the moment.
I know that I need to go NC but it feels impossible.

Poison Ivy

It might help us respond if you provide a bit more information.  Are you living in the same home as your husband? Is your child still a minor? What is your financial situation?

notrightinthehead

Welcome Paulabun. I am one of the people here who stayed much too long with her NPDh.  There are many reasons why we do and we just have to be patient with ourselves and allow us to leave when we are ready.
Have you checked out the TOOLBOX tab? There is so much information there and valuable strategies to protect yourself while interacting with your PD loved one. Get as much information as you can and start building a support network in real life, be it by opening up to trustworthy friends or family, finding a counsellor or therapist, going to CoDA meetings, whatever works for you.
Find a safe place where you can flee to when he puts you down. Since you work with him, no contact is not an option, you will have to learn good strategies to protect yourself from the abuse.
I found the book 'Stop caretaking the borderline / narcissist' by Fijelstad very helpful.
You are not alone in this journey, and it is a journey Out of the FOG and the abuse, and you take one step at a time.
See you around on the boards!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

gfuertes

I have no statistics, but I suspect it's more common for narcissistic types to work with their significant others, and otherwise intertwine their lives in areas that plenty of couples keep separate.  For one thing, this affirms for the narcissist that he is the sun, and you orbit around him.  For another, even more than when a healthy relationship ends, your temptations to leave are complicated by the choice to overhaul areas of your life you don't want to change, like your job; or to keep the narcissist in your life (in some capacity or another) because he's wrapped up in everything you do.  I have read that narcissists are often eager to have a baby with their SOs, which fits right in with this concept.

My narcissistic (soon-to-be-ex-) husband and I worked together in the beginning.  That went downhill quickly, and didn't last (which in retrospect should've been instructive, but wasn't).  The choice to separate from him was made for me, in that he went to prison recently (over fraud related to his business).  In a way, I wish everyone in a relationship with someone like this could have significant time apart imposed upon them.  It's so perspective-altering, not having the PD person in your face with the manipulation and spin-doctoring, or the hot-and-cold behavior toward you; to have no option but to create a new life without them.  Then the question becomes, "Should I leave this new life that's working, and that's more peaceful, and go back to the old one?"  That's much easier to answer than, "Should I leave the current, sucky situation with my husband, and start building a new life that I fear might be worse?"

Since you've left, I hope you're able to build a new life that works for you and your child, and to enjoy it.  If you do get sucked back in, I hope you can focus your frustration and blame where it belongs - on your husband who seems to not want you to leave, but who doesn't offer you love or a healthy partnership if you stay - not on yourself, for having trouble leaving him.  An aversion to throwing in the towel after 30 years; an aversion to breaking up your child's family; an aversion to overhauling your entire life and possibly your career at 50; having a relationship with a personality-disordered partner sap your self-esteem...these are normal, and not reasons to be hard on yourself.  And the gentler you are with yourself, the better your odds of making a permanent break work, and being happier - whether that's now, or later.

Fortuna

Paulabun,
You are not alone. A quick read of the boards will confirm that. While my PD challenge is my mom, for many years I kept 'falling for it', thinking that if I was just a better daughter, or did just a little more, everything would be fine. After I realized the personality disorder for what it was, I still kept going back hoping that it wasn't really NPD that she just had fleas of bad behavior. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that she has proven over and over that chooses disordered thinking over a healthy relationship every single time. I've slowly built boundaries, gone very low contact and worked on healing myself.

It's natural to want t believe someone is sorry when they tell you that they love you. You want to believe that the bad stuff will go away, that they've learned better ways to deal with stress or arguments. Our hearts yearn for the love we know we want even if the people we give it to don't know how to give it back.

In order to not fall into the same pattern this time you may want to write down the patterns you see in your relationship. for me it was a cycle of silent treatment after a blow up when I set a boundary then pretending like it never happened and we were best friends in all the world, then a slow decline where requests became demands that eventually were ridiculous so I had to set a new boundary,then  rinse and repeat. IT helps if you can notice his behavior and see which part of the cycle you are in. It's harder to fall for it when you can you can observe, hey this is him telling me to come back without apologizing, or doing a qualified apology, or a back handed compliment, or whatever he does to lure you back in.

paulabun

Thank you Gfuertes, I've actually never thought of it like that before. I became pregnant a few times before I decided that I had to have this baby.
My son is 27 now and is still with his dad. I think they enable each other, my son is basically addicted to computer games.
My guilt is massive.
I need a bit of cheering from people so masively appreciate your respones.
Thank you.

Poison Ivy

Are you concerned that you won't see your son if you break up with his dad?

paulabun

No, it's more like total enmeshment. I'll have to think about it more and then write about it.
Thanks for your replies, this is helping...

PeanutButter

Quote from: paulabun on September 06, 2019, 05:46:26 PM
Hi all,.

I'm new to posting but been reading for two and a half years. I've left the guy I've been with since I was 20, again. I'm 50.
First left two and a half years ago after googling 'partner screamimg at me' but went back as we work together and have a son together.
I keep falling for it and have always really known that he thinks he's too good for me. Things he's said (throw-away comments he calls them) and a lack of love that I think we all know. My self esteem must be so low that I keep letting it happen.
The thing is, no matter how many self-help books I read, I keep falling for this shit. He says he misses me but really just wants me to be there in the background.
I have no family or friends anymore, I've got a decent job but he works there too...
I've had the light bulb - he doesn't care about anyone but himself - moment but I still go back.
Has anyone been through this level of hell?
Does anyone have any ideas?
Hi paulabun and welcome.
Yes I have been through something very much like you.
I hope this isnt hijaking your thread but since i dont have specific advice of what to do i want to tell you my story:
I dated/married an abusive uNPDh. From the very beginning he broke up with me repeatedly(usually 1-2 days). I always took him back even if he went out with other women and told me about it (he usually did and told me it was my punishment)
After we got married he stopped doing this but he basicly came and went as he wanted. Later I learned he was repeatedly having affairs. He didnt ever spend time with me. He didnt ever take me out. (He always took the other women out somewhere).
I wanted to leave. I tried many, many times. I always went back. Even though in later years I would get a sickening dread in the pit of my stomach when I would move back into the house. I ignored this feeling.
One night when we had split up I was by myself listening to shanendoah the song 'I wanna be loved like that' played and I listened to it several times in a row. Suddenly I realized why I had never been happy with him. I wanted to be loved like that. He had never loved me like that. In fact I realized he hadnt loved me at all.
That was a turning point internally for me, realizing the descrepencies between what I wanted and what I was getting.
Although it took several more times leaving to not go back. He knew just what to say. Each time I had enough of his abuse he would change. He would be willing to give me what I wanted. He would be willing to do this or that when he previously wouldnt. He'd try to be affectionate, and want to take me out. Once he bought me a big diamond ring even though he had always said they were impractical and a waste of money.
This behavior eventually backfired because I could see that he knew all along what I wanted and needed from him. He knew how to be a good enough husband. He was choosing NOT to do it.
IME & IMO your attempts to leave are not proof that you cant do it. I think 'practice makes perfect'. You CAN do this!
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle