more angry as NC time goes by??

[scapegoat/caregiver]

Is there any one that gets more angry as time goes by with NC. or VVVVLC.     My NM called last week after a fight and several months NC and 1 visit.
I Used the grey rock... she actually said she loved me???!!!.   I thought maybe I should call her once a week after that call.    Well,  it has been a week. when I think of calling her I get sick to my stomach.  I seem to be getting more angry as time goes on with NC.
she is 87 now everyone thinks she is a sweet old lady.   My NM  and my GC SIS is absolutely horrible, abusive, ARROGANT materialistic  $$$$$ mean more to them than people. that's why everyone is gone!!

they are the only ones left in my immediate family.  My BF says I should try and call one a week if I feel ok with it.  so I don't have any regrets when she dies.  but i'm just so mad

My son told me about ONE  time in the past that the 3 of them NM ENNF and N GC sis babysat him. He was 9 at the time .  He said it was horrible.  He came home crying.   They wanted to make him eat raw fish.. he doesn't even like cooked fish. they made him sit at the table for hours yelling at him, alienating him. this is abuse.  I believe my son. it makes me so mad that they did this and that I did not DO anything at that time.   I should have...I should have done a lot of things.  memories such as this come up.  My NF who was always cruel passed away recently.... I took care of him and I was very honorable...i'm mad at myself for hanging around to do this....   I thought I would have a real mom after he passed.  No,   my NM is worse now.  lies constantly,  talks about her money all the time,  makes promises and never keeps them...  had a big fight, now NC to VVVVLC

how do you get over the anger?  any suggestions on what to do with my NM??
I have been NC with NGC SIS for years she doesn't even care that she lost her only sibling.  she is just hanging in for the inheritence  I don't think she loves NM at all.  and my Nm has actually told me she KNOWS THIS and yet she is her GC and the one she caters to???  How upside down is this????

[lotusblume]

Hi there,

I can relate here. I was NC for a few months, or rather I tried but ended up capitulating to certain Hoover's. I finally broke NC, ended up trying to hash things out, fell into jading, erecting boundaries, trying to maintain those boundaries. I asked my parents not to text me and that I would call them when I wanted to talk, telling them I needed space again. They continued to text, albeit less than before the initial NC. They kept calling me, the rest of my FOO would message me incessently, and I would get SO angry. I would simmer in a mix of anger, sadness, depression, helplessness, denial and FOG. It began affecting my mental health 24/7 as I would ruminate on past conflicts, how to deal with them, oscillating between trying to decide if their communications were okay or not... How much I was willing to meet them. It started taking a serious toll on me and my relationship with my spouse, and I even started to turn against him in certain occasions (projection).

I wasn't working on myself anymore. I was trying, but I could not do it with the constant infiltration. They have not changed and I could not deal with them trying to force things into being the way they want them to be, with me being the caregiver and scapegoat, as is your name here.

I tried to communicate my boundaries, JADE about how I felt why I did (mistake that came with more backlash and abuse), and I finally threw my hands up in the air and said enough.

I blocked them last week. I instantly felt relief. My nervous system has calmed down immensely and my residual fog is gone.

In my case, I was keeping contact, LC, for numerous reasons that mostly had to do with them and not me.

I hope this can help.

[lotusblume]

Just to add to my reply... I forgot to say the point. I was more angry in a debilitating way when I had LC. With NC it's a different kind of anger, the healthy kind of allowing myself to feel anger over the past without obsessing 24/7. Even the slightest contact was just putting salt on unhealed wounds until they became raw again. Maybe this is similar to what you're experiencing... Maybe you can ask yourself if your anger is more raw and unmanageable when you are VLC and maybe keep getting triggered. That's what I experienced, it kept me ruminating much more.

Wish you the best moving forward.

[MamaDryad]

I've had this experience. For me, I think it's because I'd become so numb over a lifetime of dealing with the emotional abuse, the ups and downs. Of course, that numbness covered a lot of anger and hurt, but I didn't *feel* those, and of course my normal meter was also way off. Over time, with VVLC and then NC, I've become softer even as I've become stronger and healthier. So the little things that would have bounced off my hard and brittle shell in the past (if I'm not tormenting this metaphor too much) now leaves a bruise, which provokes anger and other painful feelings.

[Psuedonym]

I agree and can identify with everything lotusblume said. I don't think it's the NC  that makes you angry – it's when you break the NC and expect some sort of acknowledgment of your feelings or,  you know, reality, and getting nothing but gaslighting, projecting, and outright lying instead. Les Carter's videos have really helped me with understanding that the a narcissist will never, ever, admit wrong doing, take responsibility for their actions, or even care about your feelings. Your experience is at best irrelevant and at worst offensive to them. I too ended up going NC (for 9 months now) because I could no longer live with that toxic mixture of dread, anger, depression, hopelessness, and futility.) I feel infinitely better now.

Big hug to you:

[LoverofPeace]

Hello Scapegoat/Caregiver,

Man, your story mirrors mine so much! I also have been dealing with both a narc mother and sister. And they are both soooo damn materialistic, as if that and their socializing is all there is in life. It's scary, because I know they're going broke (living on credit) trying to keep up a front. I stopped dealing with them a very long time ago when it comes to anything dealing with finances.

Now, I'm not trying to deal at all, as my sister has become violent all over again and is STILL golden to my sick mother, as it could've affected her too! I posted about it in previous threads.

But my point is I think everyone here is right in saying that even one iota of VLC can catapult us right back into a foggy broadcast  .

That's why every time I would tell myself I will call my mother tomorrow, it became the day after, then the day after that, and so on. Until my VLC became NC. Because I know she can't wait to have diarrhea of the mouth about this sis who she damn well knows will make trouble again. They can have each other. 

Sorry to say, but as of now I cannot stand them; reached my limit and just want to go about my business. It's been peaceful, save for a text by the mother last week. Texted back I was busy and would talk to her soon. But like Woman Interrupted said, that could mean tomorrow or never (want to say thank you for that, WI)! And with their abusive treatment, I say the latter!

My only fear now is that the mom and N grandmother are seniors and already had surgery scares last year.

Don't want to be sucked in by that or their unpreparedness/recklessness anymore; after mostly being the one around them trying to put out their fires with my busy work and school schedule!

[WomanInterrupted]

I was the same way, for several months - irrationally angry every time I'd hear unNPD Ray's voice on the answering machine, telling me all the things "you gotta do for me!"   

I'd swear at the machine as I deleted the message, and feel better for just *saying it.*  I wouldn't yell, but I'd say all the things I wanted to say, if I thought Ray could possibly understand anything other than his own wants and needs.

Eventually, I'd just shut the door to the room where the phone was with a cheery, "Fuck you!" when I'd hear his voice, and delete it later, without listening, and then I got to the point I'd just pop the bird as I shut the door. 

That helped me get to apathy - I just didn't care what he had to say, because I wasn't going to respond - or respond in as minimal a way as I could, without getting embroiled in yet another crisis that shouldn't have been a crisis, because everybody on earth but Ray knew he needed to be in AL. 

He was NOT going into AL, and let everybody "steal his stuff."  He had RIGHTS.  This is AMERICA.  And he was going to stay in that house, forever, barking, "YOU GOTTA!" at my answering machine. 

Apathy met DNGAF.  NO F's to G.  Stay over there and have a groovy life, Ray, being paranoid, not taking your meds correctly, not using your Life Alert, and standing on the lawn to swear that the garbage men are late again, when *they don't work for you.* 

I just became resigned, and hunkered down for the long haul, knowing that vision I'd had right after unBPD Didi died was probably right:   somebody was going to notice the mail and papers piling up, the cops would be called, and they'd find Ray at the bottom of the basement stairs, either dead or in serious/critical condition, and I was *okay* with that.

It was only slightly off:  Ray had orchestrated his fall in the bathroom - with his Life Alert button right by his hand, which *just happened* to coincide with the day his Visiting Nurse was coming.   

I live 3 miles away.  I could have interjected presence at any time, but I just didn't *want* to, because I knew this was how it all had to go down:

The VN calls me - mail and papers.  He's not answering the door.  Can I let her in?    I tell her to call the cops, but give her the ADT alarm code.  APS calls me (the cops called them) and asks me to come.  I tell them I
can't, so break in.

APS calls back - they want permission to make Ray go to the hospital, but won't say what's wrong with him, other than he won't stop trying to get off the gurney, screaming that they're not going to take his house.

Permission granted! 

Ray was declared incompetent less than an hour later - and he'd peed himself enough (he's incontinent, but REFUSED to use adult diapers) that he'd given himself a grade  4 pressure ulcer that still hasn't healed, over 3 years later. 

Anger wouldn't have worked in that scenario.   Only not giving a fuck did. 

If I'd been angry, I might have made the wrong decisions.  I'll never know, but I credit the cool *apathy* for being able to look at the big picture, and get Ray the care he really needed, instead of what he thought I owed him. 

Ray wrongly thought, being the smartest man on earth, and the most wily and cunning, too, that the Visiting Nurse would drag me into that house, screaming at me to DO MY  JOB and care for my DADDY!

Ray was never that bright, overplayed his hand, and even tried snowing a shrink with his own agenda.

It didn't work and Ray got himself  declared incompetent by being Ray  - with HIS anger intact.

Mine was blessedly absent.

He's in a memory care unit, and I'm *truly* NC!   

Write unsent letters.  Journal.  You can say anything you want, insult-bombs and all - nobody is going to see it but you.  Give your phone a brisk dressing-down when  you see that number come up, or a blocked number you know has to be theirs.  Tell off unwanted VMs without listening to them, knowing the only thing that's going to change is *your attitude.* 

You'll get there - it just takes time.  Give yourself permission to feel what you feel and move to the next stage, once you figure out the anger really isn't constructive.

They don't care about us - why should we put more energy into them, when we can be using it to make our own lives better?

[overitall]

I've been NC for almost ten years...the best decision yet, but I still get angry...I get angry at the people who judge me...the people who think it's terrible to have NC with my poor old parents...the people who have NO idea of the staggering abuse I suffered at the hands of my uBPDm and uNPDf....
Yes, they are old...and yes, at least on my father's part, I think he has regret...my uBPDm has no regret, accepts no responsibility and has chose to "rewrite" history....no memory of the vicious emotional abuse heaped on me at every opportunity (I went LC in my 30's)  When I went completely NC, she was furious and the smearing went out of control...
I have only one adult child who has LC with my parents...when my DS took over his new fiance, my uBPDm gave her every single photo of me, stating she had "no Idea" what to do with them...because, well you know, overitall won't have anything to do with me....I think my Mom thought I would react....she has pretty much run out of things to do...she has told any and everyone that I am absolutely out of their will because I won't have anything to do with...I guess she thought I would want money more than my sanity?
I moved in the past ten years; they do not know where I live; they don't have my telephone number; my cell phone has their numbers blocked; I have zero social media so if they do smear me online, I don't know....It's just the way I have to live, but yes it's maddening

[LoverofPeace]

Overitall,

I love the name.

You sound just like another sister of mine who went NC around 15 years ago. At the time, she was still in contact with me; until around 2011 because I kept bothering her to keep in contact with our 'poor grandmother' and my mother--who I already knew was trouble, but thought it was still the right thing to do. And I told her our deceased grandfather (he was one of the good ones, bless his heart) wouldn't be proud of her. So, this sis said, and I'll never forget it, that I was being naïve and she exited stage left on me included; and at the time I felt so angry and abandoned by her.

Now, I realize some things I didn't before; I was acting like a flying monkey towards her; I was mad at her because she was the scapegoat and I might be next (and that I am!); and I was damn sure being naïve thinking that family is family--yeah, right!

The only family member I want to salvage something with is her; besides her son who is an angel and I speak to from time to time. Keep thinking about her, as she was the smart one to leave. But I feel at least I know I tried everything I could to support these undeserving family members who are presently left on this Earth; so in stepping back I know God sees me and nothing is hanging on my heart and conscience.


I understand the maddening part, too. Been doing pretty good with my more recent NC with the narcs left around me, but have been crying lately because I still get angry thinking about the things they imposed on me. Plus, these narcs are all around and therefore exhausting after awhile (a neighbor, some coworkers, a Professor in my online college-yes, it's still negatively affecting and too much work to be messed with by him), etc.

Does anyone else ever feel like this world has more of them in it than we originally thought? Because it  sure is hard not to run into one; and I've always been the type to hold out judgement for a long time before concluding something about a person. But damn...! 

[PeanutButter]

It feels like ive been angry with ubpdm forever. I feel stuck in the anger.
This is what im working on now. Ive been watching videos and reading everything i can find about bowen family systems theory.
So the theory is I need to create emotional distance by working on my self differentiation (basicly same as individuation). Self differentiation is the cure of enmeshment. We can move clear across the world and never speak to them again but if we were enmeshed the physical distance does not change our internal emotional state.
We are no contact (some of us for years) for our protection, this does not address 'our family we still have within us.'
The goal is to not care about anything the person or people do or say.
womaninterrupted described exactly this process in how she went from anger to apathy. And I love this part: "They don't care about us - why should we put more energy into them, when we can be using it to make our own lives better?"

[overitall]

For me, the process is exhausting...I have completely extricated myself from my FOO, yet they cannot leave me alone....I have gone to extreme measures to protect myself...I should not have to do this...I am in my 50's and I do not want any contact or connection whatsoever...the thing that makes me angry is that they are unable to accept that I am DONE....

[newlife33]

It's been interesting to see photos of myself in the past three years, which is the time I have went NC.   The tension, anger and vitrol in my face is very obvious before I went NC.  But afterwards, it's almost like I can track and see the progressive release of tension, stress and anger in my face.  It's annoying because it still flairs up, but after three years I am finally able to start taking some decent photos that I like.

[moglow]

For me personally, NC helps me let go of things that aren't mine. All that bitterness and anger aren't who I am or ever want to be! I don't want gossip or spite to be a part of my life. Getting away from her helps me put it down and walk away from it. I can step away from my inner expectations and questions about her, and just let her be whoever the hell she is. I've had several spells of NC over the years and each time I "went back" to her feeling calmer and stronger within myself. I needed those breaks to repair and get away from what was doing so much damage. And yes, anger was very much a part of it.

Write unsent letters.  Journal.  You can say anything you want, insult-bombs and all - nobody is going to see it but you.  Give your phone a brisk dressing-down when  you see that number come up, or a blocked number you know has to be theirs.  Tell off unwanted VMs without listening to them, knowing the only thing that's going to change is *your attitude.*  (https://outofthefog.net/forum/Smileys/default/yes.gif)
You'll get there - it just takes time.  Give yourself permission to feel what you feel and move to the next stage, once you figure out the anger really isn't constructive.

Yep. Yep yep yep. I wrote and wrote, literally broke one pen nib from bearing down so hard and had to get another! Then I burned a bunch and started writing more. Something about the cleansing fire and literally seeing my words go up in smoke and down to ash seemed/seems to soothe me. My brain says, there's no recovery from fire. Those words and all that anger are GONE and I don't hold on to them anymore.

It's all a process, Scapegoat, and it's not an easy one. If it were, we'd have reached this point many years ago. You may very well be a different person six months from now - something about putting down and refusing to accept all "their" stuff has a way of doing that.

[NotFooled]

I'm not NC with my D but I call him once in while like months will go by.   I see him maybe once a year.  He's an alcoholic always has been and a bit much to deal with at times.  I haven't consciously gone NC or VLC it's just happened naturally. 

I would say If you don't want to call her then don't I wouldn't let others pressure you in doing something that isn't in your heart to do.