Worried PDs will show up... can police do anything?

[mimzy]

DH and I have been NC with my UNBP m and EF for the past 18 months. During this time frame, they have sought out our priest (whom they have no spiritual affiliation with and barely know) and asked him to intervene and compel DH and I to reconcile (AKA apologize and take blame for everything). They have also influenced my 91 year old grandmother and compelled her to write a letter to go NC with me. I believe that when I have our second DD (which my folks know about through my grandmother), my folks are capable of making a 5 five hour drive to DH and my home and show up on our door step. I've changed the locks so they can't get in. But I'd like to hear if anyone knows what else I can do. I might be "painting the devil on the wall" but I know how determined my mother is and how she will stop at nothing when she feels entitled and since DH and I have the only two GC, she might be compelled even more to make the drive. I'd like to have a plan in place if this happens. If I call the police and report them trespassing, are the police obligated to tell them to leave? I mean, what are my rights here as a homeowner? I don't have a restraining order against them. I'm guessing few of us do since emotional abuse is hard to prove. So, is it a fairly reasonable plan to call the police if they come to our door and expect the police to handle, i.e. making sure they leave?

[SerenityCat]

I've read elsewhere here on the forum that some folks have had success with calling the police and asking them to escort someone off the property.

Maybe your plan can actually be several plans, several options. You can brainstorm out several possible scenarios and then choose plans with your DH.

You know that you don't have to answer the door. If they keep knocking/ringing the door bell, if they are circling the house, making you at all anxious, you could call the police and ask for help.

Likely the police would direct your parents to leave and then perhaps counsel you to get a restraining order. If your parents physically hassle you at your house that might make it even easier to get a restraining order.

If your parents are standing on your property and you don't feel able to safely leave the house, definitely tell the police that.

You can have a back up plan too for if you've called the police but the police are busy and cannot come out for awhile.

Can you get a security system, surveillance cams, web/smart phone system?

You can have a clipboard or other log system available so that you can jot down notes during whatever happens.

[TwentyTwenty]

Hi Mimzy, I'm very sorry you are dealing with this. Sometimes the expectation over a long period of time is just as nerve racking as an actual event. I don't think you're 'printing a devil on the wall', i think you are being diligent in protecting your family from yet another assault.

So, a few things that may be of value to at least consider, from my personal experience..

First, you have a complete right to privacy and peace that is a legal, protected right in and of itself. Your property is your own, and any unwelcome visitors can be removed for trespassing with a call to the police. If they don't leave on their own accord, they'll very likely be arrested. So yes, locking an going to a safe place in your home is definitely a good plan.

Additionally, you do not need to prove anything to get a lawyer to send a 'cease and desist, stop all contact' order. You can even do these yourself, although I wanted mine to come from a legal representative stating we'd press charges and ask for a full restraining order if they didn't comply with the cease & desist. You could have this delivered to them well ahead of time, and they would be very aware and made very clear if they disregard the order, they will be breaking the law and subject to arrest. Stalking and cyber-staling are crimes and in almost all jurisdictions come with fines, jail time or both. So you'd want to check your local statutes and ordinances.

For a more formal 'restraining order', you'd usually need to have a case & court date, and still you may be able to do these yourself (i personally would use a lawyer just so I wouldn't have to appear myself with my parents) - however the restraining order isn't necessary unless you are fearful of an assault or danger, or in some other extreme circumstance. A cease and desist is notification enough to have legal standing to take them to court for a restraining order if it comes to it and they disregard the C&D.

Even with these in place, a narcissist will usually not accept defeat. In my case, after all of this, my ndad drove unannounced to our community guarded gate.. Yes, a guarded community gate and said he was going to see his son (me). The guard told him to back up and leave, or the police would be called.

[doingoveroroverdoing]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Upsetting doesn't begin to describe it.  You might consider asking the police—call or stop by if it's convenient.  Let them know you may have out of town family try to land on you. All they need to know is you're estranged. If they do show up you will turn them away, but what happens if they won't leave?  do they think it's reasonable for you to call police?  Should you wait a certain amount of time before calling?  Do they have any advice, like posting a no soliciting sign? I think they will reassure you. They will see you're a credible person. I think these kind of situations are more common than we realize.  Don't be afraid or ashamed.

If you do speak with someone get the officer's name. So, if you do end up calling police, you can tell them you spoke with officer so& so. None of this necessary, but just putting it out here in case talking to them in advance, feeling prepared, might ease your mind. 

[Gaining Clarity]

Hi Mimzy-No one should be put into such a stressful situation when they are preparing for the birth of their child.

I completely sympathize with the angst you're feeling. I'm almost two years NC, and just this past weekend, my Nmom came by my house and dropped something in my mailbox (an impersonal hoovering card  Thank god I wasn't home. She's shown up on other occasions. Sometimes ringing the doorbell incessantly or leaving something without any contact. One time, she did ring the doorbell and then actually hid from sight on the porch.

Aside from the great advice others have given you, I would try to keep a chronology of any contact/toxic behaviors (like getting your grandmother to cut off contact with you and contacting your priest) to support your case in the event that you do have to call the police. If they know you're documenting their antics, they might think twice before showing up. Though we can't always count on them being predictable, right?

Hoping they won't resort to showing up, so that you can welcome your new DD into the world peacefully. 

[Penny Lane]

My experience with this was when my H's uPDxw came to our house and tried to push her way in. We did not have  restraining order but the police came pretty quickly and told her to leave. I think if she hadn't (eventually) left they might have arrested her for trespassing? In our experience at least it seemed that the officers had seem this kind of stuff before and they were used to deescalating. The good news is that it seems that the whole experience was embarrassing enough for her that she hasn't tried again.

So, yeah, I think it's not just reasonable but a great plan to be ready to call the police if this happens.

Hopefully it puts your mind somewhat at ease. I really know the sick feeling of worrying that a PD will show up at your house and the uncertainty of it all. I would say try not to dwell on it ... but I'm really bad at that, I have no advice for how to do it.

[Fiasco]

If your older child goes to school or daycare don't forget to put in the school paperwork that  your parents are not allowed to pick the child up. Sorry if I'm stressing you out more, better safe than sorry. Hugs

[mimzy]

Hi serenity cat, thanks for writing. I might consider the security camera. There are several folks at work who have them (for different reasons) and they seem to work very well. Yes- i agree, not answering the door is important.

Twenty, Twenty- wow thanks for all that helpful info regarding cease and desist. Of course, it would enrage them to no end and encourage their smear campaign against me and DH but I like that it gives me the upper hand legally. If they dare to show up unannounced, i will definitely contact a lawyer.

Doing/overdoing - I called my local police department today and told them I'm estranged from my mom and dad and worried they might show up on my doorstep. They told me that if I called 911 then they would be escorted off my property so that's somewhat of a relief. And sad. To actually have needed to make this  call really highlights the dysfunction.

Hi Gaining Clarity, sorry to hear about your mom. If mine lived close by I would be on pins and needles all the time. When you say make a chronology of events, is writing them in a diary enough? Or does it need to be more official?

Hi penny lane, wow I'm glad the police were able to help out in what sounds like a situation that could easily become unsafe. That's mostly what I'm afraid of - me lashing out at them and then being the ogre in the situation. So I need backup - obviously.

Hi Fiasco, good point. I will do that.

Thank you everyone for your helpful tips and support. I'm sad I felt led to get advice from my local police station. It really is the end of me and my FOO. That's what these individual experiences are teaching me. It's the end of my time with them... and the beginning of good things as well. But, well, it would have been nice to have parents willing to get help for their mental problems.

[Gaining Clarity]

Mimzy,

I wouldn't stress about an official chronology. I think the diary is fine as long as you have details including dates (and even approximate times) along with any supporting information (i.e.-like your grandmother's letter and if the priest emailed you or left you a voicemail). Those things can present a compelling case to law enforcement and others.

Take care of yourself and your family.