Any HPD / attention seeking experience?

[ComputerAnon]

Hello, new to the forum, forgive me if I post something wrong as I know these are sensitive topics.

Desperate for advise or a starting point.

My significant other has a child in their early 20s that lives with the two of us. I am not attempting to make a diagnosis but the kid seems to have many of the criteria for HPD.

I know there are people who have valid mental health issues and can benefit from therapy and medication. I am also not saying that the kid does or does not actually have issues or need help, I am just worried it's help for the wrong thing.

I hope this will not be too much to read. If it is then maybe it will just be for my own good to type some of it out.

So the kid has always done or said things which are clearly just to get attention. Also has never accepted responsibility for anything, everything has to be 100% about them, takes offense even just asking them to help out with cleaning a mess they made, etc. Nothing too extreme I think, just hoped they needed time to mature.

Starting getting into extremely dependent relationships. At 18, crying fits, his girlfriend said to buy this one thing, and we wouldn't buy it (something stupid like a paper notepad, there was a cheaper one we said we would buy).

Or a relationship where his girlfriend worked 4 hours a week somewhere, well she needed him to be there at work with her although they couldn't interact.

Then says they have PTSD from the first breakup. The other person they were dating comes out and says they are a FtoM transgender. A month later the kid says he is a MtoF transgender (although never a mention of it before, their mom is very open and accepting, just saying there would have never been a reason to hide it and it would have been safe to talk about it ). Says they have anxiety and depression. They start hormone therapy, start seeing a psychiatrist, counselor, career coach.

So, I figure some help may come from seeking help. It seems like it is a point of pride for them to tell people how many types of therapists they are seeing, they are on over 10 medications, some of which are really not needed ( don't want to get too into details.

Now they say they have multiple personality disorder, they have given the personalitys different names. ADHD, amnesia, I am not even sure what else now.

Will not attempt to get a job, threatens to kill them self if asked to straighten up their room which is literally two feet of trash on the floor.

Any suggestion or asking them to do something is met with an excuse. They sit on their phone all night, still awake when I leave for work in the morning. Can't take their phone that will give them flashbacks and they will kill themself. Send them links to part time jobs, "once a week helping for a few hours, light office work". Some excuse why they can't apply for it.

Just trying to get them headed in the right direction. The other day they said they had to use the electric shopping cart to pick up their medications because their legs hurt. Of course the other week when I said they should take a walk and get some fresh air maybe some exercise would help, no they walk pace around the house all day when nobody is home so they get plenty of exercise.

It's getting worse and worse, a new condition every week. If I have to be the "bad guy" and set some rules I am fine with it. His mom is so overwhelmed it is destroying her. I try to get some rules set but she either doesn't want to deal with it or is worried the kid will harm themselves. She has called them out on it for what it is, emotional blackmail. They will do anything to get their way.

Sorry for the venting, I am desperate for any guidance. I am not saying they don't need help, but it really seems like they spend all their time looking up disorders, then of course they know exactly what to say to a therapist.

I am just at such a loss of what to do.

[bunnie]

Hi ComputerAnon,
I'm sorry you and your wife are having to cope with this disordered behavior.  I think it sounds like a healthy dose of learned helplessness and maybe some other PD traits.  Check out the toolbox and see if the behaviors and coping techniques resonate with you.  I'm sure others will chime in with some suggestions.  My 19 year old niece has been exhibiting serious PD behaviors this year.  It is very difficult dealing with these disorders.

[momnthefog]

ComputerAnon,

Welcome to the Parents Discussion!

I agree with looking at the toolbox.  It's equally important for you and SO to be on the same page in addressing the issue of the adult child living at home and what the plan is for getting that adult independent and on his own.

I have a thread about removing my adult son from my home that might be helpful.

A couple of points from my experience:

-Gaming...its ruining a generation (or more) and it is as much of an addiction as drugs/alcohol/porn.  Is this complicating matters...like drive to get a job, sleep patterns, inability to properly socialize?

-ANY attempts or comments about suicide are met with a call to 911 and a hospital stay in the psych ward.  My son like to play that card.  He further liked to visit neighbors when I was on business trips and say the same thing to their mothers who then called me worried.  I nipped that by making it VERY clear to son that if he EVER did it again I would call 911 and that as an adult he would be paying for his medical bill.

-Try to figure out what you want and get it done steps.  Like if the first thing you want is the room clean and kept clean, start with that.....and DO NOT be afraid to turn off phone, refuse to allow use of computer, car, etc.  My son got so irate he knifed up a bunch of furniture.  I called the cops.  He started harassing.  I called the cops.  Took two times of doing that before he started coming off his "I'm in charge of his house" attitude.  In the end, it became, if you don't like it move.  And he finally understood that I meant it.  It takes baby steps.  As much as I was a bad ass mom, I would tell him I am your greatest cheerleader....you will do it my way or get out. 

I'm a single mom who has raised my kids pretty much alone.  I'm sensitive to how they've turned out b/c even though I know that at some point they are adult making their own decisions, but that the turmoil of alcoholic dad, drama of the divorce and then absent/alcoholic father impacted all of them.  Sometimes it was easier to go along to keep the peace.

I hope that some of this helps and that you will update us as you and your SO work through this. 

momnthefog