Life Sucks!

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BigBird

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Life Sucks!
« on: September 09, 2019, 03:37:10 AM »
Life can really suck sometimes.
I decided to read a couple of posts that you good men posted and found tears coming from my 6'9" 340 pound big men don't cry eye balls. At 62 years old I've had enough ugly experiences that I can certainly relate and I feel for you guys. 
I've been searching the web for over 4 years now trying to figure out my now 32 year old daughter.  My wife and I are happily married but have been going through hell these last 4 years as our daughters NPD has really blossomed full blown to the point that it's taken its toll.  That's a long story I'll share another time because as I spent the biggest part of the day today listening and reading all about NPD I decided to watch a short video from a Dr. Ramani who specializes in NPD the one video of many that I watched was the subject dealing with fathers that have NPD.  Well, I've never been accused of having a PD, I've never thought I did, my wife of 39 years assures me I don't but after watching the video I thought ...."am I worse than I thought"?  and I started feeling quite depressed which incidentally I developed (depression) about the time my oldest girl became a teenager.  (I have 3 girls, 1 boy) and honestly, I don't think it was a coincidence that my depression may have been triggered from teenage girls.  (Rough)  I took myself to the doctor and told him something wasn't normal and he diagnosed it for me and I've been on depression medication every since.  That same daughter at the age of 36, after having a student commit suicide due to depression chose at that time to out of the blue to announce how terrible it was on her that I had depression and she basically disowned us her parents and we haven't see her or our grandkids now for over 2 years even with our attempts to make things right. They live 10 miles from us.  Now that was a real boost for a father suffering from depression.   And she's not even the daughter with NPD.  Now because of those two girls and the fact that the oldest daughter found a reason to be mad at her mother an disown her as well, now my wife has suffered with deep depression now for a good 3 years where never before had she even the slightest hint of depression.  Between those two girls my wife got to the point where she didn't care if she just died and I got to the point where last winter I attempted to kill myself due to a lie my daughter told me that was proven to be false after the fact.  The only saving grace to all of this is the fact that my wife and I truly love each other and always have and our each others biggest support.  My third daughter and son and their family with grandkids seem to adore not just my wife but myself as well.  That helps both of us.  I don't get it.  My dad was so much meaner and stricter on me and my brothers than I could have ever dreamed of being with my kids and I have always loved my dad and think he did great despite his faults.  My son-in-law that is with the family I haven't seen in over 2 years thinks his father that is my same age was just the worst father in the world because he neglected his children and yet all I ever saw from the time this kid was about 13 years old was all the great adventures his dad did with him and I felt so bad I wasn't able to offer my own children the same fun as he did.  Everything from boating to snowmobiling to sky diving on a regular basis.  The bottom line is, I feel like a complete failure as a father because I have two girls that hate me.  They waited until their 30's to tell me what a rotten father I was to them.  I guess better late than never.  I don't get it.  There are positive things however.  I still have half my kids that think I'm o.k. and it does give me some relief to know that no matter how hard I try I'm not going to be able to fix my daughter that has NPD.  Isn't that what us dad's are supposed to do?
Fix things.  If there's no cure for the disorder what can be done.  The biggest blessing I have going for me, thank goodness, is that my wife and I love each other more each year that goes by.  Thank goodness.  Only problem now is I'm afraid she's going to die on me because of the added health problems that shes acquired since all this stress hit the fan.
You guys all hang in there and keep enduring and I'll try my best to do the same.
Thanks for your posts.  They encourage me, bring tears to my eyes and unfortunately let me know that some of you have it much worse than I do.  I'm really very sorry.  Sometimes life really does suck.
It helps to have a place to chat.  Thanks

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Latchkey

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Re: Life Sucks!
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2019, 12:40:52 AM »
Welcome and sorry to hear you are dealing with this. Yes, many here are dealing with PD adult children and reading their posts you'll see that you are not alone.

Have you worked with a therapist that understands NPD or PD adult children?

 It sounds like you would really benefit from learning more about PDs and that often someone with a PD's perceptions of a person, especially of a parent, are not fixed in any permanent reality that makes sense to you. When you say, they waited til their 30's to do something, it might be better for you to reframe that-- "at 30 they told me..." and then not use that as a way to negate the positive memories you have of raising your children.

Please check out the toolbox above for more resources. Please pay careful attention to Boundaries.

Again Welcome, and looking forward to hearing more of your story.
Latchkey
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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momnthefog

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Re: Life Sucks!
« Reply #2 on: Yesterday at 01:08:14 PM »
I have a large family too....with one BPDd who has caused constant drama and heartache by using the gc as a weapon.

Coming Out of the FOG is one step....staying Out of the FOG is another.

I chose to set boundaries and enforce them.  I focus on the adult children who are capable of a mature relationship.  I focus on the gc who I can see.

Currently my BPDd has imposed a no contact with 7 yo gc despite having her for the ENTIRE month of Jul.  BPDd informed me that she plans to punish me by withholding gc. 

It stinks, it sucks....but it is what it is.....and all I can change is my response.  I may be sad, hurt, resentful, but I let it go and move on.

Life is too short to let it get me down.  And the real loser in all this is my gc.

The toolbox has some great ideas on how to respond (or not) and books like Boundaries are good as well.

I also like videos by Dr. Les Carter on youtube.

Hugs,

momnthefog

"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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BigBird

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Re: Life Sucks!
« Reply #3 on: Today at 12:18:18 AM »
Thanks Momnthefog and latchkey for your comments I find a lot of comfort knowing there are others going through similar experiences.  I know this site "Out of the FOG" can help my wife and I to better deal with our situation.
Thanks again.