Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?

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JeannieM

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Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« on: September 09, 2019, 11:31:21 AM »
I have chosen to stay in this marriage for personal reasons. Instead of expecting him to change and getting hurt by his constant abuse and games, I recently chose to emotionally detach and it has been life saving. When you donít care, you donít get hurt. And medium chill and gray rock have really helped in this.

However, he has definitely noticed the change and has accused me of being cold and withdrawn and not putting in effort etc. He wants the loving, doting housewife that happily tends to his every need even after all the abuse and pain he causes. Apparently I am supposed to just pretend it never happened and shower him with love.

So my new strategy I am contemplating is faking it. Telling him I love him, showing affection, tolerating date night and agreeing with whatever he says to diffuse arguments. Providing I can still go forth with my own life and remain independent, I am happy to basically just tick the boxes to keep him sweet but knowing deep down how I truly feel. Iím not sure how long I will be able to keep this up, but I just wondered if any others fake elements of their marriage for their own benefit?

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2019, 11:57:27 AM »
If I don't do what he wants, he has nasty fits. This includes these relational items. Sometimes I just feel like a tool he uses, or some sort of servant. I have to do it with good cheer and upbeat attitude, too.
I'm going to see a counselor about this, because I don't know. This seems....not good to me. Or maybe not good FOR me.
I do love, I don't mind saying that, but I don't care to just be bopped around at his whim of let's do this or that, date night, TV together, what have you, with no real input allowed on my part.

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capybara

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2019, 12:06:46 PM »
I am struggling with this too, very much. I have realized that my feelings just don't penetrate through the pain he is in, no matter how much I try to explain. But cutting myself off from my own feelings too much makes me depressed. I don't know what to do.

Meanwhile, our couples counselor wants me to get more in touch with my own feelings, even if I don't act on them. I am not sure it's a good idea, but I trust her. I really want the marriage to last until our youngest finishes middle school.

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2019, 12:16:46 PM »
Yes, I faked affection but only after I was Out of the FOG enough to know my situation was a lost cause.  I faked things to keep him calm while I got my ducks in a row in preparation for ending the relationship. 

You are not alone.  Living with a needy PD can be emotionally exhausting.  Be kind to yourself.

((( hug )))
Sometimes you donít realize youíre actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone elseís anchor.   

Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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11JB68

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2019, 02:29:22 PM »
Yes I do this too.

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Samuel S.

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2019, 03:02:32 PM »
While I understand the need to keep the peace, is this good for you personally and for your relationship? To do this constantly can be rather exhausting and having to be on guard for every word and every action in which you interact. It can become so much of a habit, that you might not be able to break away from it in order to return to your true self.

I live with my PDw, but my T suggested a concept that I try to practice when she becomes verbally and emotionally abusive. I let her speak her mind, and when she is not looking, I just put my hand up as an "emotional shield" to protect myself from her negativity. Depending upon how severe her abuse is, this will determine whether I can handle it or not. It is only afterward that I feel the intensity of her remarks which can spoil at least part of my day until I do something that I enjoy.

Whatever we nonPDs practice to safeguard ourselves and to try to keep our relationships, it is darn exhausting, to say the least!

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FreeSophia

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2019, 03:38:49 PM »
Yes, I do this a lot. it is so much more peaceful if I do. But it comes at a price. I lose myself more and more and more when I do this. The resentment and the anger builds inside of me and I also get depressed because I'm living a life that isn't truly me. I start to hate myself. But the alternative is being open and honest and then the fights and nights of hysteria and me having to leave in the middle of the night follow.... and sometimes I'm just so damn tired that I feel like it is so so much easier to tick all of the boxes, put on the happy (not too happy tho! that may arouse suspicion..) face and fake fake fake it so I can at last make it to bedtime and just sleep. Some days bedtime is the best part of my day... when he finally finally falls asleep and I can just lay there and take a long, deep breath and relax. It's kind of crazy living life this way isn't it???

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Fae Greenwood

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2019, 04:54:07 PM »
Yes. I made the decision to do so nearly ten years ago. It's been successfully in that I have far fewer "incidents" to deal with but it has come at a cost to me. I am deeply unhappy. I used to be happy and hopeful that things would get better and that is just gone.
I had a goal to get my kids through college and launched. I met that goal two years ago but also had to face the facts that thirty years of near-zero employment made me unable to get a job with health benefits and a living wage so I decided to ride it out to retirement. I have a checklist and when that's met I plan on going. And that is why people divorce after"40 happy years."
He told a counselor years ago that I was REQUIRED to love him. He was not required to love me. He did begin to improve his behavior and appeared to take responsibility for his actions but ultimately that entitled attitude, that truly defines a narcissist, continues.
I too have a hand motion I hide from my uNPDh but it's not a shield and it's not healthy. I developed suicidal ideation (I wanted to escape) and really needed to see a counselor but believed that no one would help me unless I left him so I had to struggle though alone. I've since discovered that I was wrong to not go to therapy. I recommend that, if you're not already doing so you find a good therapist and begin working out strategies for the future whether you stay or go. Good luck. Please don't end up endlessly treating water like me.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #8 on: September 09, 2019, 06:38:35 PM »
I am with Fae here, yes,  I found it was possible to fake it for a long time and it came at a price. I had times when I felt like a servant or a slave, I did what was expected of me, no matter how I felt inside. There were times when I did not feel myself at all. Medium chill and grey rock kept my home calm and peaceful most of the time and I avoided him as much as possible. There are many reasons why we need to stick it out.  Not sure what I would have done without my therapist, though. Maybe drunk myself into oblivion.

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maymay22

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2019, 07:54:57 PM »
Yep. I do this. EXACTLY this.  To keep my NPD happy and in a better mood, I go out of my way for him. He is soooo needy and if he doesn't get what he wants, he makes life miserable for me.   So...I stay affectionate, go along with things he wants to do together, try to do little things for him that I know he likes. This keeps him treating me well most days. I still keep my medium chill going- never giving too many details about my day.  However, I will tell you this....there is only so much of this I can stomach.  Sometimes I just can't fake it and during intimate moments in the bedroom is the hardest. Sometimes he feels it and sometimes I can cover it up or make excuses as to why I'm withdrawn or standoffish but there are times when getting intimate with him is just physically hard. It's like sleeping with the enemy. I can be nice to him until I'm blue in the face-but bedroom stuff is hard. Otherwise, It's like I'm an actress in a starring role..haha. But as soon as he looks away, my eyes are rolling and I'm cringing.  It's not easy but it can be done.  Is it worth it? Sometimes I think so and other times I'm like..what the hell am I wasting my life doing?  The struggle is real.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #10 on: September 11, 2019, 11:53:49 PM »
Maymay like an actress! Yes!! I had that very *thought* the other day, winding myself up for intimate activity, "Ok Spark, put on your best face, get in your role, the show is on! You can do this!"
Like you said, very needy and will make my life miserable if he doesn't get what he wants, so I have to put on my very best, especially in this area. This stuff is very....routine with him. He likes and does the exact same things over and over, so it's VERY much like memorizing my role.

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Johnny Bloody Murphy

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2019, 04:05:41 PM »
If he's abusive and manipulative and there is little or nothing else going on, I think you should leave, as difficult as that may be. You'll wither inside if you don't have a spouse you can truly communicate with. I wish the best for you.

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Arkhangelsk

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2019, 05:14:01 PM »
Oh wow.  Guys.  There are so many of you in this boat.

Unless this is a short-term gig to keep you safe on the way out the door, I think this can only end in disaster.  I am about to lay down some straight talk.  If you are not in a good place for that, please do not read further.  Peace and goodness to you.

+++++++++
You are worth your own respect.  Even if it means you live in your best friend's basement or some neighborhood you never imagined.  No matter what it means for the rest of your life, giving into this is a slow and withering emotional death.  Do not do this.  There is epic beauty in the world and it is here for you to relish but you are missing it by not taking care of yourself.  This is your one shot, your one life.  Drag yourself out by any means possible before you make yourself a husk of a human for some person who is hurting you. 

Think about your abuser with compassion if you need to.  I get that.  I did.  Then know that you are not only hurting yourself, but you are hurting them.  Your actions treat them as if they are not worthy of the expectation that they behave as an adult.  That THEY seek the help and care they need for THEIR illness.  You are actively making it harder for them to get what they most need - which is to discover that the only source of peace and comfort comes from inside.

You need to learn this to.  And you can.  There is amazing therapy out there that can teach you skills you need to self-regulate.  You do not need this person or anyone else for the very basic task of being enough.  You can learn to feel enough on your own.  And this act will revolutionize your relationships with other people.  You will have connection in such great abundance once you learn this thing you need. 

But you cannot get there if you sit in this muck.  This is total denial of self.  Do not do it.


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11JB68

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2019, 12:33:43 AM »
Ark... I hear what you're saying. Then I read posts about people divorcing....years....10s of thousands of dollars...and still being manipulated by the pwpd. It sounds like getting free is not always that simple.

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Cascade

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #14 on: September 13, 2019, 01:36:40 AM »
Yes, I can relate to so many of your comments in this thread. Itís not like my feelings are always fake but there are definitely times I feel like Iím playing a role.  Itís not a good feeling because I want to be an authentic person.

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SparkStillLit

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Re: Do you ever fake love, feelings, and affection with your spouse?
« Reply #15 on: September 13, 2019, 01:58:02 AM »
11 that is a very big concern of mine. I may make an exit plan later, but for the now, I am here. There are too many tools to use against me.
My feelings are not always fake, either. I do have genuine ones. Sometimes I need to get into a role, though, to keep up the flow. I'm not always in the same place or the same mood as him, or don't feel like jollying him along. He's incapable (it seems) of jollying himself along, so it's down to me IF I want to keep the peace.