What is wrong with me?

[Roza]

For some reason I can not sleep.  I keep thinking about my NPD sisters.  I know it upsets me but I can't turn off my brain.  I go to therapy and talk it out with my T, but I don't seem to get them out if my head.  I know that wanting them to apologize is Never going to happen,  but I still have hope. I am trying to do anything to keep my mind off this problem but nothing.  I am trying to figure out myself. After years of being the SG but also the oldest and the parentified  child, I am tired. I have to work on myself.  This is so hard,  how do I do this? I just want to be happy with myself. Any suggestions? I have been reading more about self esteem and other self help books.  What else can I do? Any and all help is appreciated.

[notrightinthehead]

I have found that the only way to not think about something is to replace thinking about with thinking about something else. So when I don't want to think about NPDh I grab an audio book (music does not work for me) and listen to it or I listen to positive affirmations, or I consciously replace the thought by thinking about even a scene from a movie.
Of course the thoughts go back to the topic because there is something to be resolved, or understood,  or done about it. But sometimes a girl just needs a break from all the thinking to be able to jump back into action at a later stage.

[newlife33]

I know what you mean, I have had many stretched during my healing that resulted in me feeling restless and suffering from insomnia.  I think what you are doing is eventually going to get it out.  Journaling, therapy, group work, online chats and using your self help skills the pain will heal.

I see these flair ups as "emotional volcanoes"  They erupt from time to time, I have no idea how long they will last and they are of different strength each time.

[PeanutButter]

Hi roza. I have struggled with the same issue.
I did hang on to the hope that I would eventually get an apology. I thought uBPDm would HAVE to eventually realize what she did and feel bad about it. But no! No not ever! It was hard to accept that.
For awhile I did this mindfulness thing: Ho'oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian practice for healing. Ho'oponopono means to make (ho'o) right (pono) right (pono) to correct relationship problems.Step 1: Repentance – JUST SAY: I'M SORRY. ...Step 2: Ask Forgiveness – SAY: PLEASE FORGIVE ME. ...Step 3: Gratitude – SAY: THANK YOU. ...Step 4: Love – SAY: I LOVE YOU.
It sounds kinda backwards but every time I thought of uBPDm's refusal to show any remorse for her abuse of me I would in my mind say "Ho'oponopno im sorry, please forgive me, thank you, and i love you" with the intention of releaseing my judgement of her.     
I also could not sleep many a night; lying awake ruminating over the same troubles, torments, and worries.
I began trying to meditate but couldnt accomplish it for any length of time at all. I had read alot about it and what it could do so I didnt want to give up. I started using headphones to play audio with binural beats and isochronic tones (binaural beats and isochronic tones are forms of brain entrainment which is the form of sound therapy that is used to induce the body and mind into a specific state) along with a simple breathing exercise to get to a meditative state.
Slowly a change began to happen for me. I now sleep the best Ive ever slept in my life. My brain is now trained enough that I dont need the audio any more although I still use it alot. I highly reccomend this.
Everyone is different. I keep trying new techniques I hear about, while I continue what is already helping me. There is no quick fix.  I try to remain hopeful by celebrateing even small improvements IMO in the beginning it was a slow process of very small steps forward.

[Roza]

I would like to thank all of you in this form for giving me such positive feedback. I really I'm taking everything to heart and trying to incorporate that into my healing process. I will try my hardest to get over this and start healing myself because I am worth it. I know I have my work cut out for myself,  but I am a good person and thru no fault of my own, I have to get better for me.