I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen

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Writingthepain

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I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« on: September 09, 2019, 12:04:18 PM »
Had a show down with my npd mom today. I confronted her about some of the things she did to me and her response was that she didn't remember any of that and so she couldn't say whether it happened or not.
This was also her reason for not having to apologise for it.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2019, 12:14:37 PM »
This was also her reason for not having to apologise for it.

Yes because obviously YOU are sadly mistaken about the events!

My uNPDmom thinks she's got such a stellar memory and God help you if you ever decide to challenge an event she describes.  It becomes a conversation full of tears, quivering chin... the whole works. I don't dispute anything now. She can believe whatever the hell she wants. I simply don't care enough to correct her.

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Hazy111

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Re: I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2019, 12:30:41 PM »
She may well not remember, as it wasnt important to her and her feelings.

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TwentyTwenty

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Re: I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2019, 04:09:08 PM »
I agree, Hazy. Many of them see it as a right or duty, so they really see abuse as a normal daily action, nothing bad.

It would be like asking them to remember breathing.. they just do it, why should they remember a certain breath that they took?

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StayWithMe

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Re: I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2019, 05:34:38 PM »
If she canít remember anything say what you eant reminding her that there is very little that she does remember from your childhood.

My mother does this a lot with me. And sheíll say airily, oh I donít remember that. It was particularly unnerving because my parents never allowed me to say I donít recall with impunity.  Imagine the feeling you get in the big wide world out there where many people use the excuse I donít recall.  So many are light years ahead squeezing out of tight spots since I donít recall can usually end a conversation.
I have noticed though that a couple things attributed to my mother, she will VOCIFEROUSLY deny it instead doing her empty headed I donít recall routine.

The remarks that she made were particularly nasty but I still wonder why she decided that I donít recall was not enough to keep her reputation as a decent mother in tact.
« Last Edit: September 09, 2019, 05:36:19 PM by StayWithMe »

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moglow

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Re: I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2019, 05:35:55 PM »
Quote
her response was that she didn't remember any of that and so she couldn't say whether it happened or not.
This was also her reason for not having to apologise for it.

I had a similar experience - until mother realized she should/could feel all insulted that I dared call her on it. Then it became something along the lines of: "you have a convenient memory" [oft-repeated because I don't remember everything, and certainly not the way she does], recitations of what a hard time she had as a single parent [no no - she was actually married all but one year of my childhood, albeit to a man who traveled a great deal for work], to outright accusations that I *made* her do those things and "we didn't know then what parents know now." Ultimately she worked herself up into a righteous mad and spat at me "It HAPPENED! So WHAT! What do you want from me?!!" Um yeah. I should have listened closer to *everything* she was saying in that moment.

Writing, I'll gladly extend your mother's thoughts to my own interpretation ... she doesn't have to apologize for it and you don't have to forgive and forget either. Any forgiveness and moving on is absolutely and completely YOUR choice and for YOUR benefit. And just so we're clear, if you choose to forgive any/all that makes your heart and life easier, you don't have to tell her and that does not obligate you to subject yourself to any more abuse from her.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.Ē  ~ Cap'n Spanky

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illogical

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Re: I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2019, 08:25:45 PM »
Had a show down with my npd mom today. I confronted her about some of the things she did to me and her response was that she didn't remember any of that and so she couldn't say whether it happened or not.
This was also her reason for not having to apologise for it.

This is so typical N behavior.  They cannot deal with criticism or confrontation.  My take is that even if Jesus himself had a signed decree that you showed your mother that outlined things she did, it would not matter. 

It has been my experience that they use a variety of tactics to defend/protect their fragile alternate reality, such as projection, denial, gaslighting, shaming, blaming.  Your mother isn't ever going to admit that she made a mistake.  She really doesn't believe she ever has.  It's mind-boggling, but that's the way they think.

Because of their black and white thinking, they tend to think that any truth (that puts them in a bad light) is levied by someone who is against them-- aka you.  They hear it and maybe for a fleeting moment ponder they might have done it, but quickly spin out of it and back to their "cocoon", an alternate reality they have created that protects them from any perceived harm.

Please don't take this personally.  They do it to everyone.  Doesn't matter if it's their son/daughter or someone they met yesterday.  They just won't admit any wrongdoing or have any accountability for anything.

So sorry you are experiencing this.  It's like beating your head against a brick wall to confront them with truth, however.   :yes:
"Applying logic to potentially illogical behaviour is to construct a house on shifting foundations.  The structure will inevitably collapse."

__Stewart Stafford

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Andeza

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Re: I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2019, 03:07:35 AM »
Yup. "well I don't remember it that way" doesn't erase the truth dang it! Bah. My particular religious beliefs assure me that one day she will see it all. In perfect clarity. No excuses.

That's gonna suck. I'm not without pity after all, just rather frustrated by the complete inability to see how she wronged me
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

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StayWithMe

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Re: I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2019, 10:10:39 AM »
It seems to me that the more one says "I don't recall", the more they cast themselves as unreliable.  I would milk that.........  ie"Of course, there's not much that you do remember, is there?"  Then say what you need to.  Make sure your story is consistent.

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MamaDryad

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Re: I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2019, 01:08:48 PM »
My uBPD, alcoholic mother does the same. The memory issues from drinking are definitely a bonus for her-- I call it the Memory Hole. Anything she doesn't want to think about goes in there.

Half the time, she breezily dismisses any memory that doesn't align with hers; the other half, she waifs about it and uses it as part of her harmless old lady routine (always switching tactics when I suggest that she really needs to talk to her doctor if her memory is that unreliable).

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NotFooled

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Re: I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2019, 09:00:16 PM »
I was just reading about this.  Itís seems itís quite common in BPDs.

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Andeza

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Re: I don't remember abusing you, so it didn't happen
« Reply #11 on: September 10, 2019, 09:49:53 PM »
That's in keeping with tons I've heard and read as well. There was even a theory, I forget where now, terribly sorry, that the nature of the trauma they experienced renders them unable to remember the abuse they've caused others. I don't like that theory though... It removes responsibility for their actions. Like trying to say oh that guy was drunk when he ran someone over and he doesn't remember, so it doesn't count. Yeah... No. It still counts.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.