What is my Nmother's strategy?

[SilenceOnTheWire]

So, I'm 21. I'm in college. It's just me and my nmother (57). She has no friends, my father's side it's just my grandparents (father died when I was 8) and they dislike her. I have an uncle with his side of the family, which is deeply dysfunctional and don't have a lot of contact with us, and some distant cousins my mother doesn't have any contact with but I plan to get in touch with without her knowing.

My mother is relying both on me to support her when she gets older (ha, not gonna happen) and in case anything happens, her side of the family.

The problem is that her side of the family is quite dysfunctional and here's where it gets weird. She is one of the youngest of 7 and I suspect, scapegoat. Which is why she was the only on who left their town and the most successful one. Unfortunately, she couldn't ever ditch them.
Her narcissistic older siblings (brother and sister, GCs) are very, very envious of me. Always have been. There is an unspoken, unwritten underlying condition to their "support" of me and my mother, which is they get to bully and sabotage me. Whenever I do something better than their kids (because they are deeply dysfunctional that's not difficult) they find some way of punishing me and my mother.
There are more siblings and cousins, but they are all enablers/flying monkeys besides I'm a girl, so sexism (old fashioned family).


I suspect my mother is trying to sabotage me. Ideally for her, I will be forever dependent on her and never leave her. There is no "winning" with her: the "best" I can hope for if I stay on her side if that I will have to keep achieving more and more, she will keep moving the goalposts, and she may or may not stand up for me for the rest of the family if I do what she wants. Which antagonizes me to them and isolates me. Her end game is exactly that. All my life she has tried to infantilize and sabotage me, but because she likes having something to rub in my family's faces, she has paid for my education and now pays for college.

I am planning on going NC with her side of the family. She has noticed I have been pulling away and thinks it's just a phase and me being imature.

She puts me in a very difficult position where she will bully me and trash talk me to her side if I don't "perform" and if I do she will rub it in their faces and when they get back at me for it, sides with them and tells me they are right, I deserved it, etc... gaslighting + moving goalposts. Either way I lose. There is no end to it: my accomplishments are passed as something I do for her that reflects on her "good" parenting, my "flaws" are passed as a "me" thing and influences from the other side of the family. I can't have any sort of relationship with that side of the family because she will deliberately sabotage it, as the support from those siblings depends on doing what they want. In other words, if I am "good" she may stand up for me, if I am not or if they put too much pressure on her, she will side with them. Bizarre situation (or not, if you think she is only caring about herself). I think she hopes I will burn out eventually and stop "causing trouble" for her but for now she just keeps putting on the pressure and see how far she can go. I am much more useful to her as a scapegoat of the family: it's what her envious siblings want and, she thinks, will keep me dependent on her like a servant. If I got too confident I might leave.
This is something that goes way back: looking back to when I was a kid I can't shake the feeling that she has been (unconsciously maybe?) preparing me to self destruct and tells herself it's some sort of cunning strategy to get me to "perform" and if I fail it's my fault and makes her feel better about herself because she could never leave them.



She is trying to keep me dependent and ruin my life through emotional manipulation. Her whole "strategy" relies on me needing her approval. Which is ironic, because that's what they do with her.


TL;DR mother started out as scapegoat, could never truly make it out, now tries to sabotage me to maintain the family's status quo for her sake only. Some weird family circus at play I struggle to understand, I only have a nasty gut feeling that I am being sabotaged.

Does this make any sense? Did I figure it out? How common is this? I can see how the family would reward someone for building up and sabotaging someone and themselves in this way because this only reinforces the status quo of the GCs.

Note: It's not the first time a GC of a scapegoat or non-GC parent has this happen to them: lots of expectations, conflicts and envies, inevitable implosion. I can think of at least 3 or 4 people in my family to whom this happened (my father being one of them). It's always a wife or mother seeing how far she can use (usually either a son or husband) to piss off the rest of the family, offers no support when family retaliates, deserts son or husband when implosion happens. Support is just a sham to keep them going.

[Andeza]

Possibly. There are a number of possibilities here honestly, and you could drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out. I'm not surprised to see you suspect your mom wants you to take care of her in her old age. Most of us with pd moms realize we are groomed for that fate from a young age.

That, is the ultimate goal of a variety of pd individuals. That we the dutiful children will take care of them. Gonna be a rude awakening.

If I were in your shoes, I would make sure that my bank accounts, phone plan, etc were separate from my pdm. Then I'd stockpile money in preparation to move out the day after graduating. I'm assuming you live at home, apologies if I'm wrong. I would not tell anyone, not a soul, about my plan until I was long gone. I would also quietly secure a job prior to leaving... Telling no one of interview or hiring.

That's just me though. You do you. Whatever you decide, I encourage you to read up on boundaries, medium chill, and gray rock. You can find them in the toolbox. I also encourage you to do things you enjoy for your sanity. Walks, or tea, or a good book.... Anything that helps you find calm, comfort, and recharge.

I will say you seem to have a pretty good grasp of the situation. 

[SunnyMeadow]

At age 21 and realizing all this about your mother is a huge benefit! I'm in my 50's and wish I had my mom figured out like you do at your age. You get to live free and not get more and more enmeshed throughout the years. I was groomed that my uNPDmom was going to live with me. She doesn't save money, she's had big chunks of it given to her throughout the years and didn't save for a rainy day. She expects me to handle everything 

I second what Andeza wrote, make plans to leave asap and don't tell a soul. Get your own phone plan, bank account and whatever else might be linked to her.

Sounds like you might have the family dynamic figured out. The good thing is none of these people are your problem and you are incredibly smart to know you need to separate from all of them. Once you are gone and not hearing about aunt_____ and cousin _____'s opinions and issues, they become very small and meaningless parts of your life.

[SilenceOnTheWire]

If I were in your shoes, I would make sure that my bank accounts, phone plan, etc were separate from my pdm. Then I'd stockpile money in preparation to move out the day after graduating. I'm assuming you live at home, apologies if I'm wrong. I would not tell anyone, not a soul, about my plan until I was long gone. I would also quietly secure a job prior to leaving... Telling no one of interview or hiring.

Thank you, that's exactly the kind of advice I was looking for. We have separate accounts but... she never really told me what my father left for me. I have a vague suspicion that something is up and she is lying. I do know the apartment where we live is also owned by me, which means I can rent bedrooms to make some money. She loves money and loves me being entrepreneurial so she will love that idea (although that will mean she won't be able to walk about the house half naked in the summer, oh well).

I am planning on calling a notary (without her knowing) to investigate exactly what I have received from my father.

And finally securing a job, starting a career. All without her knowing. I figure that once I get out she will try to recruit her family to come over and put me back in line along with smear campaigns. I can count on them never wanting to talk to me again when I do. Build a circle of friends, get in touch with distant relatives, etc, all without her knowing. In her eyes, I am just a lazy, anti-social dork with no socials skills, just getting quietly through college

That's just me though. You do you. Whatever you decide, I encourage you to read up on boundaries, medium chill, and gray rock. You can find them in the toolbox. I also encourage you to do things you enjoy for your sanity. Walks, or tea, or a good book.... Anything that helps you find calm, comfort, and recharge.

I will say you seem to have a pretty good grasp of the situation. 

Will do, thanks!

At age 21 and realizing all this about your mother is a huge benefit! I'm in my 50's and wish I had my mom figured out like you do at your age. You get to live free and not get more and more enmeshed throughout the years. I was groomed that my uNPDmom was going to live with me. She doesn't save money, she's had big chunks of it given to her throughout the years and didn't save for a rainy day. She expects me to handle everything 

I second what Andeza wrote, make plans to leave asap and don't tell a soul. Get your own phone plan, bank account and whatever else might be linked to her.

Sounds like you might have the family dynamic figured out. The good thing is none of these people are your problem and you are incredibly smart to know you need to separate from all of them. Once you are gone and not hearing about aunt_____ and cousin _____'s opinions and issues, they become very small and meaningless parts of your life.

I sure hope so. When I am around my mother it's like all of them are just hovering around even though they live on the other side of the country because she tells them way too much about our lives and because she has no support group of her own other than those people.

[kaizen]

Silence, you're bringing back some memories! I too, was living at home at 21, going to college as a commuter.

Here's another tip-- if you own a car, make sure you have a set of spare keys your mother can't get to. I was in a situation once where I was 21+ (legally an adult), the car was in my name, and I was paying the insurance and other costs. But when my mother got angry one day, she took my keys away, as if I were a teenager with keys to the family car, and she wanted to ground me. If I knew then what I know now, I could have called the police and had them make her give me the keys back, but at the time, I just felt stuck.

Another thing, in this day and age, make sure your mom doesn't have access to your various passwords. Say you open a bank account for your "escape fund" and get the statements online because you don't want your mother seeing them come in the mail. Well, you don't want her being able to see your financial business online, either.

Good luck. I know it's hard trying to imagine everything somebody might pull, and that you might not be able to trust a family member.

[SilenceOnTheWire]

Silence, you're bringing back some memories! I too, was living at home at 21, going to college as a commuter.

Here's another tip-- if you own a car, make sure you have a set of spare keys your mother can't get to. I was in a situation once where I was 21+ (legally an adult), the car was in my name, and I was paying the insurance and other costs. But when my mother got angry one day, she took my keys away, as if I were a teenager with keys to the family car, and she wanted to ground me. If I knew then what I know now, I could have called the police and had them make her give me the keys back, but at the time, I just felt stuck.

Another thing, in this day and age, make sure your mom doesn't have access to your various passwords. Say you open a bank account for your "escape fund" and get the statements online because you don't want your mother seeing them come in the mail. Well, you don't want her being able to see your financial business online, either.

Good luck. I know it's hard trying to imagine everything somebody might pull, and that you might not be able to trust a family member.

I don't own a car yet. I doubt she is the type to pull that if I did anyway but I will keep that in mind. The same applies to house keys.

My mother is pretty bad with computers but I will make sure I delete the saved passwords just in case she decides to sniff around when I am away in college. She doesn't have my bank account password.

At some point it doesn't really matter what they are trying to pull or not. Just my bad gut feeling telling me to get out.

Thanks!

[WomanInterrupted]

Listen to your gut - it' s NOT wrong! 

From this point on, as you go about extricating yourself (getting a job, moving out, making sure your finances are completely independent from hers - BTW *check your credit report!*), play your cards *very* close to the vest and don't tell her a thing about your plans. 

If asked, your future is "wide open" and you're "exploring options" - nothing you really want to discuss, because you don't want to "jinx" it. 

You have no concrete plans, nothing is set in stone, everything is subject to last minute changes - those are *vague* statements, intended to keep her in the dark - which is *exactly* where you want her. 

As you get closer to graduation and/or the date you plan on moving out, don't be surprised if she's got some kind of 6th sense  where she knows *something* is up, but just doesn't know what, and you start hearing things about how she "needs" you close by (meaning:  living with her  ), she's behind on the mortgage (not your problem!  ), two can live more cheaply than one, it'll be SO much easier when you get a job and can contribute to the expenses (say NOTHING!  ), and she's SO glad you're there, because it's a big, scary world and it'll eat you alive, so you're best off living with her.   

Don't be surprised if she wants you to take over the mortgage (you pay, but the house stays in her name), or she offers to sign the house to you, if you  take over the payments (it'll never happen), or  there's some kind of sweetheart deal in the works, where you can buy the house from her on the  cheap, but you have to live there, too - it might be disguised as keeping the "family home" in the family. 

This is just to keep you *trapped* and  probably won't happen - and if you suggest getting a lawyer involved, she'll probably flip out, saying you don't trust her, when the fact is you'll NEED a real estate lawyer to make any of that stuff - or any of the other dozens of scenarios she's putting forth -  happen. 

Tell her only that you'll take it under advisement, or take it under consideration, and after you've thought it through, you'll let her know. 

Then...you just don't let her know.    She'll probably pester - tell her you're not done weighing the pros and cons  and will get back to her later. 

By this time, hopefully, you'll be moved out and have a job, and you can tell her you thought about it, and it just didn't work for you.  This does. 

After you've moved out, you'll probably start hearing more about her financial woes, trying to make them your problem - REFUSE. 

*Any* times you hear her financial woes - from this moment forward - use Medium Chill (in the Toolbox) and say, "Gosh, that's something.  I'm sure you'll figure it out, though." - and don't offer money. 

If your mom decides, at any time, you have to start paying rent, tell her you'll *only* do that as a month-to-month tenant, which means you'll be signing a new lease, every 30 days - and will require a visit to a real estate lawyer, to make sure everything is spelled out (30 day notice to move out, how much security she can withhold, how much she can increase the rent per month or year) - she'll probably get very upset, but stand your ground.  You will NOT sign anything that isn't prepared by a lawyer, and *know* your rights as a tenant. 

When I was 18, back in 1983, after a vicious fight, unBPD Didi announced I'd be paying $400 a month for my room, and still be required to do all the housework, cooking and laundry. 

I was a full-time student, and worked part time, temping.  Back then, if you made $3.50 an hour, it was considered decent money, and you could rent an entire 2-bedroom apartment for $325 a month! 

I took Option B, which she didn't know about - I moved out while Didi and unNPD Ray  were at work, and moved in with a couple of friends who'd anticipated having me as a roommate, eventually. 

Eventually just became now, and things were cool - I didn't talk to Didi or Ray for a few months, and when I did, it was all just glossed over, with only a few digs about their new "storage room" - and I was glad I'd moved to a more stable, calm environment - which I also could afford.   

I think Didi realized  I was 18 and had the *right* to move out - but she didn't want me to, so decided to try to financially nail my foot to the floor, thinking it would tie me to her, and I'd never be able to leave, because I was broke.

She got the surprise of her life - just because I don't say anything, doesn't mean I'm not thinking my way out of a trap. 

You can do the same thing and be *free* of whatever nefarious Old Age Golden Parachute Plan your mom has set for you.

[SilenceOnTheWire]

As you get closer to graduation and/or the date you plan on moving out, don't be surprised if she's got some kind of 6th sense  where she knows *something* is up, but just doesn't know what, and you start hearing things about how she "needs" you close by (meaning:  living with her  ), she's behind on the mortgage (not your problem!  ), two can live more cheaply than one, it'll be SO much easier when you get a job and can contribute to the expenses (say NOTHING!  ), and she's SO glad you're there, because it's a big, scary world and it'll eat you alive, so you're best off living with her.   

(...)

After you've moved out, you'll probably start hearing more about her financial woes, trying to make them your problem - REFUSE. 

*Any* times you hear her financial woes - from this moment forward - use Medium Chill (in the Toolbox) and say, "Gosh, that's something.  I'm sure you'll figure it out, though." - and don't offer money. 

OMG you are right on the money!! She has already started!!
I wonder if she plans on doing any investigations on my pc when I am away. I will remember to clean my history and passwords.

The house by the way is in both our names. She is the one who pays all bills as I am still in college and dont have a job. I BET she has some nasty plans where she will sponge me to the last cent to make up for all the money she "invested" in me.
I have a plan for this: I will start renting bedrooms. Not mine, because she has already started saying things like "we need to paint the walls", "change the furniture" etc etc, "this will always be your bedroom!" (god forbid... I have so many bad memories with the place I have been sleeping on the couch for the past months). I will tell her it's to buy books and learn the ropes of "adult world", by computer related stuff for college, come up with some ideas... whenever she hears "money" she forgets about everything else. She will think it's just temporary and will likely tell me to start paying the bills some day.

Now here's the thing: I need a place to live. The house is in my name too (because of my father). I can't afford to pay the bills right now so she pays them all. Eventually, she will want them paid. Here's what I will do: I will stall for as long as I can and see how profitable renting is. If it's profitable, I will keep doing it. If it isn't, I will get as much money as I can and leave eventually. I still have 3 years of college ahead to think through all this.

From this point on, as you go about extricating yourself (getting a job, moving out, making sure your finances are completely independent from hers - BTW *check your credit report!*), play your cards *very* close to the vest and don't tell her a thing about your plans. 

If asked, your future is "wide open" and you're "exploring options" - nothing you really want to discuss, because you don't want to "jinx" it. 

You have no concrete plans, nothing is set in stone, everything is subject to last minute changes - those are *vague* statements, intended to keep her in the dark - which is *exactly* where you want her. 

Thanks! I definetly will.


However, I do feel a bit bad about leaving her...? Here's the thing: if she hadn't been a manipulative shit mother I would come around every now and then to check on her, like adult daughters do. But she always treated me like shit, so has her side of the family and she let them, and she constantly tries to sabotage me, always has.
I am afraid she will have a mental breakdown or try something harsh if she figures out what I am up to. Which is why I can't let her catch up until I am ready to move out.
I feel that she is going to throw tests at me. I can only keep acting dumb (luckily for me she thinks I am stupid and imature) and hope she doesn't catch up until I'm out.
I'm just afraid of being completely alone you know? This is going to send shockwaves to the whole family, on both sides, and I am afraid of being completely alone in the world... I still have a long way to go.

[Twinkletoes88]

Did you figure all of this out on your own? If so you are incredibly intelligent!! I went to see a therapist when I was 25 and I am still there now at the age of 31 and I am STILL learning about all the dysfunction in my family and in relation to my narc mother. You seem to have a huge head-start which is great. 

This stuff is immensely painful though and I urge you to get a therapist if you can because this can feel like such a lonely place and when the feelings hit, it can feel unsurvivable (well, I shouldn't generalise but it did for me).  I started off much like you sound in your post, very much on an intellectual level making links and figuring stuff out and feeling strangely excited by it all ... until it sunk in and devastated me. 

I think all PD parents sabotage us you know.  Our stories are different but my mum used to confuse me in very similar ways that your's does - she would want me to be amazing, but not as amazing as her. She would want me to be clever/funny/pretty but if I was "too" any of those things, I would get seriously punished.  I had to be a good extension of her but not better than her... ugh its impossible and truly the thing that set me free was when I no longer wanted or needed her approval because I never got it and now I don't want it. That took me years though.

As I pulled away physically and emotionally from my mother (we were enmeshed - I just didn't realise what that was)  she started to get angry with me basically saying "how dare you, after all I've done for you!!" that kinda stuff... eugh. Prepare yourself.

Good luck and keep writing here!! xx

[SilenceOnTheWire]

This stuff is immensely painful though and I urge you to get a therapist if you can because this can feel like such a lonely place and when the feelings hit, it can feel unsurvivable (well, I shouldn't generalise but it did for me).  I started off much like you sound in your post, very much on an intellectual level making links and figuring stuff out and feeling strangely excited by it all ... until it sunk in and devastated me. 

I think I have done most of the grieving by now... not all but most... when it started sinking in I had some nasty panic attacks. Still do occasionally but not as often. It was my mind telling me "See? I knew all along something was up! You need to get out NOW! You already wasted too much time and your father's side is geting older!"

I have a therapist. We do EMDR. The intellectual part isn't enough. You already know all this stuff. The only thing books to is make you feel like you aren't alone but that doesn't help you with the bottled up sadness and anger, just helps you get a clearer picture. EMDR helped me a lot.

I think all PD parents sabotage us you know.  Our stories are different but my mum used to confuse me in very similar ways that your's does - she would want me to be amazing, but not as amazing as her. She would want me to be clever/funny/pretty but if I was "too" any of those things, I would get seriously punished.  I had to be a good extension of her but not better than her... ugh its impossible and truly the thing that set me free was when I no longer wanted or needed her approval because I never got it and now I don't want it. That took me years though.

As I pulled away physically and emotionally from my mother (we were enmeshed - I just didn't realise what that was)  she started to get angry with me basically saying "how dare you, after all I've done for you!!" that kinda stuff... eugh. Prepare yourself.

Good luck and keep writing here!! xx

I am preparing myself... the worst is going to be the smear campaign but I plan on having cut off her side entirely by then.

Thanks! I will!