Good and bad consequences of (my) NC

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blistering

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Good and bad consequences of (my) NC
« on: October 06, 2019, 10:20:28 PM »
I went NC with my Nmom in March this year and haven't heard from her until shortly after.

On one hand, it is definitely good for my mental health. My anxiety has practically gone, and I frequently find myself relieved when I remember I don't 'have to' tell her about my choices and life anymore, so I won't hear her nagging and criticism either. I also don't really miss her. Not the person she is. I don't find it hard to keep up NC and haven't felt tempted to break it.

On the other hand, in the last weeks I have been struggling with some negative effects. I believe it is now slowly starting to set in that our relationship is basically over. I feel some bitterness and desillusionment. Like, for such a long time I tried to make our relationship work by taking a lot of shit and trying to focus on her 'good' sides. Heck, we even did have some genuinely good times where she seemed almost like a different person for a while, but eventually she would always freak out on me again and scream insults. I feel like whatever remained of my youthful naivety or whatever you want to call it, is now gone.

I also don't like the fact that she is still often in my mind. I find myself randomly thinking of my past. Whenever coworkers talk about family or something, or I am asked about my parents I have to say that I have no contact with any of my family, and then often there's either a short awkward moment or I just get reminded of it and feel a little sad again. I have also  had my Nmom appear in many of my dreams at night. Often I don't even remember what exactly I dreamed just that she appeared in it somehow, and then I wake up already feeling kind of blue.

Another complication is that I still don't really know if this will be a forever thing, or if we will eventually be in (loose) contact again. At the moment I have no desire but it might change after a few years or something. I find myself pondering on questions like what will happen when she retires, when she eventually gets too old to live alone, what if we never talk to each other again and then she dies etc.

Does this eventually go away? I mean it's still kind of fresh.

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Penny Lane

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Re: Good and bad consequences of (my) NC
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2019, 11:04:23 AM »
Thank you for sharing this! I think it'll help others on their journey.

I read on here recently, I forget from who, that healing isn't a linear process. Some days will be great, other days will suck you back into old feelings - sometimes for no discernible reason. The important thing is that the overall trend moves toward better.

It sounds like you're able to process some stuff in a way you couldn't do while in contact. Maybe you're grieving the relationship you wish you had or not having the mother you deserved? This is very normal, very big stuff and it just takes time to work through it.

I don't know if the feelings will ever totally go away but it's like a breakup - with time (and therapy) they will be less and less, and one day you will realize it's been a week since you thought of her. Then a month. Then several months. Someday, if this is what you want, she won't be a part of your life really at all. But for now, let yourself feel and process your feelings, and take everything one day at a time.

 :hug:

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Bloomie

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Re: Good and bad consequences of (my) NC
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2019, 11:41:22 AM »
blistering - you are right... this is still fresh and the journey of grieving and letting go has many turns. I have found that time does bring healing and a kind of leveling emotionally and that moving through my feelings and asking myself what is mine to do when the persistent thoughts come - not avoiding, but honoring my feelings and how hard this stuff is.... has been so good to do.

Journaling when persistent thoughts come has also helped to get it out. I also find daily focused time of meditation and prayer where I have something I am working on to grow and deepen my understanding of myself and others has worked to replace those old patterns of thinking that I held onto for so long needing to keep myself "safe".

You have had to take an unnatural step with your mother. To do something you never wanted to do. Disconnection because of consistently unmanaged and harmful behaviors toward us is a very big decision and comes after years of taking a run at that insurmountable brick wall over and over again until we simply can no longer do that.

Sending you peace as you work through this! :hug:
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 11:45:04 AM by Bloomie »
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

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Ariel

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Re: Good and bad consequences of (my) NC
« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2019, 12:34:46 AM »
Blistering, o have only been NC since July. I think of my mom and how it could have been different. I am angry,sad, and peaceful . O have dreams where I confront her and also daydream of getting sick or hurt and she is there caring and loving. But it is a dream. I am remembering things from my childhood. O also feel that awkwardness about being NC , when others find out. I sent her a card stating my feelings and apologizing for stating my feeling on ways that hurt her
 She denied getting this card to other family members.
I feel for you. I too don't know how long this nc will be. I know I won't call her. She has laid too many false accusations against me and too many hurtful words. I had so much anxiety I could hardly cope.
I too feel so much less anxiety. My mental health has improved.
Take one day at a time. Take care of yourself.you don't have to commit to forever nc. This is hard. But we have to love ourselves and take care of ourselves. So sorry you are going through this. It sucks.we can't choose our FOO but we can choose who is on our lives as adults.

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sarandro

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Re: Good and bad consequences of (my) NC
« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2019, 06:50:33 AM »
Hi,
I just wanted to say...you are not alone. Many of the things you are feeling are also in my mind since going NC with my Mum in May.
Nightmares, guilt, despair at the unnatural situation.

Writing it all down has helped me so much and with the support of the good folks here, I have been able to put things in perspective.

The very fact that you are feeling all this means that you are a good person....(too much concern for others maybe to your own detriment?)
These feelings will come and go and as long as you remain strong, you will slowly start to feel better.

Sending you a virtual hugXXXX

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moglow

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Re: Good and bad consequences of (my) NC
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2019, 01:27:29 PM »
Blistering, I've had a few periods of NC with my mother [this one is still fairly recent], more often was her silent treat[ments!] when she shut down and refused to contact or talk to me. Those/these quiet times have been enlightening for me - after the initial angst and hurt, I'm more peaceful. Quieter inside, much less agitated. I find a kinder gentler Mo inside when I get away from her, and I miss that person!

As time passes, things come up that I stuffed down for so long, I think because I can relax and let those things go. It's somewhat easier to look at the bad stuff from a distance, when the emotion of it all has lessened. It's not that she disappears completely but I come to see the relationship for what it is - or isn't.

It's not a "good" feeling overall, facing that I share so little and have a such a limited relationship with my mother. I don't talk about it much outside my small circle mainly because I've always thought "you just don't air your dirty laundry" but honestly, I've been surprised how many people totally get it. I've found several people who I've always felt drawn to for some reason, who share very similar relationships with their mothers or other family members and there's no condemnation there. We don't rag on our mothers or have huge grouse sessions, nothing like that. It's more a confirmation "you're not alone, I get it" then we hug and carry on with life.

It's not an easy path we've chosen and it is unnatural from everything we've seen and been told about families. Holidays are particularly hard for me, when people are asking about family gatherings and "what are your plans???" I've learned to play it off and "I like it lowkey and quiet" then redirect back to them and their families. I find comfort in my chosen family, those family members and friends who include me as part of theirs.

Journaling is absolutely a help, as is volunteering and complete distraction when you know you're not coping well. Depression is a big bugaboo for me, trying to battle and overcome it or at least beat it down into submission for a while. One of the worst effects of depression for me is the sleep disruption and when I don't sleep nothing feels right. When all else fails, I take a couple of benadryls and hope to sleep for several hours, usually feel a lift on the other side.

One last thing - NC is entirely your option. There's no time limit, no deadline, no prize at the end other than your peace of mind. You can rethink, reevaluate and renew whatever level of contact you're comfortable with - or not. If it feels forced or the very idea makes you cringe, don't do it. Just don't ever think you have to explain yourself here. :hug:
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!