Constant apologizing as attention seeking?

[Bean_Counter]

My DPDm has always had this habit of apologizing CONSTANTLY. Not in a genuine, "Wow! My bad!" kinda way-in a sarcastic, "Oh, I'm sooooo sorry"  or a poor-pitiful-me kinda way. The frequency is getting worse-I actually counted last night, and she said "I'm sorry" after EVERY SENTENCE. I used to think it was part of her need for unending validation, but I'm staring to see it as her way of making sure the focus is on her feelings 100% of the time. If she apologizes, I should either acknowledge & accept it (which means she can cry and sulk because "everything is her fault"), or I can tell her no apology needed, and that's her opening to talk about her childhood (like she's done daily MY ENTIRE LIFE) and that's why she feels like she has to apologize. Thoughts on this? Is this just another way to keep the focus on her ALL THE TIME?

[StayWithMe]

You can weaponize anything.  And yes, people who do anything too much are annoying.

[SerenityCat]

My DPDm has always had this habit of apologizing CONSTANTLY. Not in a genuine, "Wow! My bad!" kinda way-in a sarcastic, "Oh, I'm sooooo sorry"  or a poor-pitiful-me kinda way. The frequency is getting worse-I actually counted last night, and she said "I'm sorry" after EVERY SENTENCE. I used to think it was part of her need for unending validation, but I'm staring to see it as her way of making sure the focus is on her feelings 100% of the time. If she apologizes, I should either acknowledge & accept it (which means she can cry and sulk because "everything is her fault"), or I can tell her no apology needed, and that's her opening to talk about her childhood (like she's done daily MY ENTIRE LIFE) and that's why she feels like she has to apologize. Thoughts on this? Is this just another way to keep the focus on her ALL THE TIME?

I suppose this behavior could be caused by anxiety and excessive need for reassurance.

You might find some ideas here: https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/dependent-personality-disorder-dpd

What happens if you basically ignore her repeat apologies? As if they are simply a verbal tic or a bad habit?

Some inspiration for non-PD folks on what to do: https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-1/

This sounds frustrating to deal with. Could it help to apply Medium Chill https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill "Medium Chill keeps things light, fluffy, airy and breezy" and keep moving, so that you don't end up feeling trapped by her crying and long stories?

[Adrianna]

Well the only apologies I've ever received from a pd person involved anger, yelling, guilt trips on me, and pity parties to the point where I END UP APOLOGIZING.

Crazymaking behavior.

Nana has used "oh well excuse me Adrianna! I'm sooooo sorry! I'll never talk to you again, how does that sound?"  Classic manipulation so next time I won't expect an apology. I had a pd friend who gave me a 3 month silent treatment because I asked for an apology for something absolutely outrageously hurtful that he said to me. We're not friends anymore. He saw no need to apologize. I forced (after 3 attempts) a sorry out of him but I could tell he saw no reason for saying it. None.

I've never seen a pd person offer a true apology because they lack empathy or have such reduced empathy that they see no need to apologize because they can't connect to your feelings.

[Thru the Rain]

My uPDM does the exact same thing, right down to blaming EVERYTHING on her childhood.

My M has extremely low self-esteem. And she seems to actively seek out situations where she will be scolded - like she's a child. (And long before learning about pd's, I thought she was **stuck** at 12 years old.)  She sets up situations where others (me, my siblings, my DH, her own H) are put in a parental position. And it's maddening!

I now try to consciously refuse to act like her Mommy. And she'll really push it. And push it. And then act like such a jerk that I (or someone in the family) will say something about her behavior. And then *poof* she's soooo sorry, and she'll bring it up over and over and over, and tell me how she just cried and cried and cried. And she'll tell every single person she knows all about how she was soooo bad, but then Thru the Rain told her to just stop it, and now she's sooooo sorry. She also shares this stuff with people she's just met and complete strangers we might run into in public places.

I think it's 100% attention seeking. She's also tried to parentify me since my early 20's. She used to send me Mother's Day cards until I asked her to stop (cue the crying and apologies). But before my 20's, when I still lived with her, she made certain I knew she held me in complete contempt and was ashamed to have me as her daughter.   

More recently, she's claimed that I'm her best friend. This is a woman I actively avoid interacting with, and when I do talk to her I plan out my medium chill in advance. Just crazy making!

[Andeza]

Mhmm, yup, attention seeking. My uBPDM will start off sentences, a lot of sentences... with: "Well I'm SORRY, BUT" and then launch into a tirade that shows she really ain't sorry about anything.

[p123]

My Dad pushes it and pushes it, then I exploded eventually.

He then overdoes the apology - knowing hes done wrong. He REALLY overdoes it. Keeps on and on about how sorry he is etc. In the end I just think SHUT UP!

[Hazy111]

You mean like this ?

"The narcissist has to defend himself against his own premonitions, his internal sempiternal trial, his guilt, shame, and anxiety. One of the more efficacious defense mechanisms at his disposal is false modesty.
The narcissist publicly chastises himself for being unworthy, unfit, lacking, not trained and not (formally) schooled, not objective, cognizant of his own shortcomings, and vain. This way, if (or, rather, when) exposed for what he is, he can always say: "But I told you so in the first place, haven't I?" False modesty is, thus, an insurance policy. The narcissist "hedges his bets" by placing a side bet on his own fallibility...
Yet another function is to extract Narcissistic Supply from the listener. By contrasting his own self-deprecation with a brilliant, dazzling display of ingenuity, wit, intellect, knowledge, or beauty, the narcissist aims to secure .. protestation from the listener."
― Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited

[Bean_Counter]

Wow. It's eerie how many times y'all hit the nail right on the head. I can't believe this is so common that other people have shared experiences, and I am really embarrassed that it took me 38 years to put this all together. But, I'm here now, and there's no way but forward, right? I have been using Medium Chill for a few weeks now-since I found this forum-and this is the first time I'm admitting how HARD it is to deal with the emotional punch that came when it dawned on me that my mother has not asked me a single thing about myself or my life in almost a month, and she lives in my home. She really does not care about me at all, if it's not somehow tied to her. I was not prepared for that. How did you handle it? Did you see it coming, or like me, think that maybe she's different? Like maybe I haven't wasted my entire life taking care of someone who could not care less about me? It's a big ouch. And how do I start a life at 38 that I should have started at 18?

[p123]

You mean like this ?

"The narcissist has to defend himself against his own premonitions, his internal sempiternal trial, his guilt, shame, and anxiety. One of the more efficacious defense mechanisms at his disposal is false modesty.
The narcissist publicly chastises himself for being unworthy, unfit, lacking, not trained and not (formally) schooled, not objective, cognizant of his own shortcomings, and vain. This way, if (or, rather, when) exposed for what he is, he can always say: "But I told you so in the first place, haven't I?" False modesty is, thus, an insurance policy. The narcissist "hedges his bets" by placing a side bet on his own fallibility...
Yet another function is to extract Narcissistic Supply from the listener. By contrasting his own self-deprecation with a brilliant, dazzling display of ingenuity, wit, intellect, knowledge, or beauty, the narcissist aims to secure .. protestation from the listener."
― Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited

WOW Really interesting. This is Dads final defense mechanism. If he gets called out, and I really lose it I get days of "Im so sorry, I've been so upset, I don't know why I keep doing it".

[Adrianna]

Wow. It's eerie how many times y'all hit the nail right on the head. I can't believe this is so common that other people have shared experiences, and I am really embarrassed that it took me 38 years to put this all together. But, I'm here now, and there's no way but forward, right? I have been using Medium Chill for a few weeks now-since I found this forum-and this is the first time I'm admitting how HARD it is to deal with the emotional punch that came when it dawned on me that my mother has not asked me a single thing about myself or my life in almost a month, and she lives in my home. She really does not care about me at all, if it's not somehow tied to her. I was not prepared for that. How did you handle it? Did you see it coming, or like me, think that maybe she's different? Like maybe I haven't wasted my entire life taking care of someone who could not care less about me? It's a big ouch. And how do I start a life at 38 that I should have started at 18?

It takes time to really let it sink in. Google cognitive dissonance. It's when you stick to one belief but evidence shows the opposite and you can't reconcile it in your head.

For me it was, he's my father, surely he must love and care about me. But wait, why does he do this, and that, and how could he possibly do this if he cares? The mind knows what the heart doesn't want to accept. My father's disorder prevents him from caring about me as a person. It prevents him from caring about anyone.  You have to understand it's not personal. Took me a long time to get that.  I even came out and asked him a few months ago if he cares about me and my son and I got silence then "we'll, you know.,,,,," I said forget it. Message received.

Same as above process for his mother, my grandmother. In her case though I get extra emotional abuse, lies and manipulation on top of all that.

I have to admit it's been a life changing experience to really let it sink in that there are people walking around without empathy or the ability to care about other people. I thought those were basic human traits. Ends up they're not.

[lkdrymom]

Well the only apologies I've ever received from a pd person involved anger, yelling, guilt trips on me, and pity parties to the point where I END UP APOLOGIZING.

Crazymaking behavior.

Nana has used "oh well excuse me Adrianna! I'm sooooo sorry! I'll never talk to you again, how does that sound?"  Classic manipulation so next time I won't expect an apology. I had a pd friend who gave me a 3 month silent treatment because I asked for an apology for something absolutely outrageously hurtful that he said to me. We're not friends anymore. He saw no need to apologize. I forced (after 3 attempts) a sorry out of him but I could tell he saw no reason for saying it. None.

I've never seen a pd person offer a true apology because they lack empathy or have such reduced empathy that they see no need to apologize because they can't connect to your feelings.

I find taking them at their word to throw them off their game.  "I'll never talk to you again, how does that sound?"   The correct response would have been "That sounds very peaceful".   When my father wasn't getting me to do what he wanted he snapped "I'll just go home and wait to die".  I just snapped back that I was not about to put up with him trying to guilt me into doing what he wanted.  He never did pull the 'suicide' threat again.  They resort to this so we will fuss over them and beg them not to do 'whatever they just threatened' and make them feel important.  My pat response is to agree with them and tell them they are free to do as they feel. Not what they want to hear.

[Adrianna]

Agreed. At this point if she tried to give me that "I'll never speak to you again", I'd likely say "great!". And mean it. Years ago it would be so stressful. Now I'd enjoy the silence. She doesn't pull that one with me much anymore. She knows I'd love a break from her.

[p123]

Wish my Dad did this!!!!!!

He just does not argue. Its how he does it. He knows he needs to keep me on side, then he can run his plays....