How do you tell them why you want a divorce?

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ICantThinkOfAName

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How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« on: September 10, 2019, 12:58:26 PM »
I'm getting stuck on the why of it.  I almost just want to say, "It's me, not you.  I'm damaged and I can't stop feeling bad about myself when I'm in a relationship because I can't overcome the thought that I'll never be good enough and I don't want you to always walk on eggshells trying to keep me from feeling bad about myself.  You should be able to bring up issues without me going into an emotional black hole."  Which is true on my part, but the reality is that he does want me to feel bad about myself.  The problem with presenting any reason is that it will be met with, "That's not TRUE!!!", unless of course, I take all the blame. 

The reasons:
1. The relationship is not 50/50 for anything.  Financial, emotional, household duties.  He can't get a job where he has a boss, his diagnosis of Bi-Polar has confirmed that he just can't control any emotions when it comes to someone being in charge of him who is an idiot.  I have suggested disability, to which he scoffed that he's not a charity case.  Which if you look at our financial situation, he is.  I have the entire burden of all the bills and food and I have even gave him two cars with low mileage that he never paid me back for, cause you know in a marriage, what's mine is yours.  I have to walk on eggshells around him and be MC all the time.  I can't express one opinion that differs from his.  And yeah, if we're keeping score, about 98% of everything that has ever been done to maintain our house, cleaning, cooking, maintenance, has been done by me.  But scorekeeping is bad, so we don't go there. 

2. He has a drug habit and has been lying to me about it the entire marriage.  This also points back to financial as he is spending a good portion of the money he makes on drugs.  The crazy thing is that he acts mostly normal around me and not drugged out, but I know he's doing it, because he stays up and never comes to bed.  I have confronted him about it on several occasions and I finally gave up because I don't want to be a police officer in my own relationship.  I keep wondering when he will make himself sick or worse, but that's never happened.  He seems to have a really crazy tolerance. 

3. He's overly critical.  I've gotten him to back down on this one.  I told him I was done because obviously he's not happy with how things are and I'm not going to change for every small infraction of his "rules".  He has since realized that he has to stop doing this so now it only comes out every once in a while in a passive aggressive kind of way.  "Did you even look at these items before you bought them?"  I mean how do you respond to that?  I just didn't respond and now I don't buy his items anymore. 

4. No intention of helping.  He just got some money and has decided to pay off his bills and put the rest in investments for himself, he is giving me some to pay off some of the debt(very little) which I find to just be a token.  He knows that I am struggling and actually looking for a second job.  He didn't offer to get a better job himself.  When "we" bought the house, I put in money from my last divorce to get the down payment.  He did not offer to pay down the house with his money.  So another example of not 50/50. 


I have all these reasons, but I go over in my head how to explain what I want but I feel like I need solid evidence, like I'm in court or something, to end the marriage.  I wish he would cheat (god knows he might be) and I find out somehow.  I re-read my reasons and it's so clear cut!  The problem is, that he will deny and defend all of the above.  So why not just take the blame and move on?  I guess I have to look at it like it's not a joint decision.  He will have no say in it.  I think the real reason I'm struggling is that this is really not a good time for this.  Next year would be better.  But I might be a complete basket case by then. 

How did you end it?

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sad_dog_mommy

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2019, 03:07:51 PM »
You laid our your case very clearly.  But I am not your PD husband and I think you might get trapped in a exhausting, never-ending circular conversation with him if you try to explain things from your point of view.

He must know all of the things on your list.  I am sure in his gut he knows that he is not a good partner to you.  I doubt he will be surprised when you say it is over.   

When you are ready to really pull the plug, my advice would be to say you are unhappy and you need to move on.  Fall on the sword and take the blame.  That is what I did but my situation was different.  I had to ask my BPDexbf to move out of the house I own.   I said that I was so unhappy I needed to get my mental health in order before I could be a good partner to anyone.  I knew taking the blame would let him be the victim to anyone who asked what happened.  He loved playing the victim role.

In the meantime get your ducks in a row.  Squirrel money away.  Purge the house of stuff you do not want to take with you.  Maybe rent a small secret storage unit and start putting sentimental things in it?   Focus on you.

((( hug )))
Sometimes you donít realize youíre actually drowning when you are trying to be everyone elseís anchor.   

Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path.

Unconditional love doesn't mean you have to unconditionally accept bad behavior.

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Arkhangelsk

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2019, 03:38:19 PM »
Begin to lay the groundwork - gather the finances and paperwork you will need.

Tell your local friends and family what you told us.

Read up on detachment and begin to practice your skills.  Here is a thing that is true - you do not have to explain anything to him.  No matter what he says.  You can ground yourself in your truth and you can walk away.  Just stop responding.  That is a thing you can begin to practice right now.  When he says shit that makes no sense - just do not answer. 

I know that it is one thing to say that and another thing to do it.  It took me several years of practice.  Years I wish I had back.  But if I could go back to the me that was in your shoes - I would tell her to find a way to let go of caring about this man's opinion.

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blunk

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2019, 12:44:40 PM »
Here is a thing that is true - you do not have to explain anything to him. 

 :yeahthat:

You do not owe him a reason. You no longer want to be married to him. I know that this is much easier to say than to do. I too remember wanting my BPDxh to do something so bad that I had an undeniable reason to divorce him. But the truth is, I already did. Many of the same ones that you have now. And the biggest one...I was not happy and there was nothing I could do to change the dynamic in our marriage.

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D.Dan

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2019, 02:28:43 PM »
When my uPDstbx forced me to fess up about wanting a divorce, he asked "why". I told him the truth, that he is abusive to me and the kids.

He didn't accept this answer and told me that I was crazy and wanted a divorce because I was cheating and wanted more money from him.

It was weird answer, because I was in charge of the budget and making sure all bills were paid so I knew how much money we had (our only asset is the marital home, which he is trying to remove my rights to), I'd only have more money after a divorce because he wouldn't be spending it frivilously. As well as, his online sexual relationship with a minor! He claimed she was just porn, that he didn't know she was that young when he started the relationship (he continued for 8 months after finding out her real age!) and that I was just holding a grudge by being upset about it. He claimed I was just as guilty of cheating because I used to close my eyes during sex, or I lit a candle to wish for a boyfriend, which is cheating! (I never received the memo about lighting a candle = new boyfriend, I wish life really was that easy!) Weird.... :stars:

In the end, he wasn't acknowledging the truth and making up lies about me (projection because his lies were things he did and was doing) to explain why I wanted a divorce. I finally just told him, 'it's obvious you're unhappy in our marriage because you keep making an effort to make sure me and the kids are just as miserable! Why stay married? I want you to be happy! Why would you want to stay married if I make you so miserable?' His response, he was unhappy and bored in our marriage and he didn't know why he wants to stay married but he loves me.

Then he wrote a letter before getting served with a PO that he refuses to kill himself just because I want everything in the divorce (I told him a divorce here is 50/50! and to stop talking about self harm), and that despite me cheating by getting a boyfriend AFTER the divorce, I can always trust him! ... Wow.... Then he called me crazy again to REALLY stick it to me!  :roll:

So from my experience, it might not matter what you say, he might come up with his own answers to tell everyone why a divorce is occurring anyways. That you're unhappy and want a divorce is definitely a good enough answer to give him.

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PeanutButter

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2019, 02:47:31 PM »
I'm getting stuck on the why of it.  I almost just want to say, "It's me, not you.  I'm damaged and I can't stop feeling bad about myself when I'm in a relationship because I can't overcome the thought that I'll never be good enough and I don't want you to always walk on eggshells trying to keep me from feeling bad about myself.  You should be able to bring up issues without me going into an emotional black hole."  Which is true on my part, but the reality is that he does want me to feel bad about myself.  The problem with presenting any reason is that it will be met with, "That's not TRUE!!!", unless of course, I take all the blame. 

The reasons:
1. The relationship is not 50/50 for anything.  Financial, emotional, household duties.  He can't get a job where he has a boss, his diagnosis of Bi-Polar has confirmed that he just can't control any emotions when it comes to someone being in charge of him who is an idiot.  I have suggested disability, to which he scoffed that he's not a charity case.  Which if you look at our financial situation, he is.  I have the entire burden of all the bills and food and I have even gave him two cars with low mileage that he never paid me back for, cause you know in a marriage, what's mine is yours.  I have to walk on eggshells around him and be MC all the time.  I can't express one opinion that differs from his.  And yeah, if we're keeping score, about 98% of everything that has ever been done to maintain our house, cleaning, cooking, maintenance, has been done by me.  But scorekeeping is bad, so we don't go there. 

2. He has a drug habit and has been lying to me about it the entire marriage.  This also points back to financial as he is spending a good portion of the money he makes on drugs.  The crazy thing is that he acts mostly normal around me and not drugged out, but I know he's doing it, because he stays up and never comes to bed.  I have confronted him about it on several occasions and I finally gave up because I don't want to be a police officer in my own relationship.  I keep wondering when he will make himself sick or worse, but that's never happened.  He seems to have a really crazy tolerance. 

3. He's overly critical.  I've gotten him to back down on this one.  I told him I was done because obviously he's not happy with how things are and I'm not going to change for every small infraction of his "rules".  He has since realized that he has to stop doing this so now it only comes out every once in a while in a passive aggressive kind of way.  "Did you even look at these items before you bought them?"  I mean how do you respond to that?  I just didn't respond and now I don't buy his items anymore. 

4. No intention of helping.  He just got some money and has decided to pay off his bills and put the rest in investments for himself, he is giving me some to pay off some of the debt(very little) which I find to just be a token.  He knows that I am struggling and actually looking for a second job.  He didn't offer to get a better job himself.  When "we" bought the house, I put in money from my last divorce to get the down payment.  He did not offer to pay down the house with his money.  So another example of not 50/50. 


I have all these reasons, but I go over in my head how to explain what I want but I feel like I need solid evidence, like I'm in court or something, to end the marriage.  I wish he would cheat (god knows he might be) and I find out somehow.  I re-read my reasons and it's so clear cut!  The problem is, that he will deny and defend all of the above.  So why not just take the blame and move on?  I guess I have to look at it like it's not a joint decision.  He will have no say in it.  I think the real reason I'm struggling is that this is really not a good time for this.  Next year would be better.  But I might be a complete basket case by then. 

How did you end it?
I understand everything you said! I packed all my stuff while he was at work. I was pulling out of the driveway with the last load when he got home (a little earlier than i expected). I didnt say much. He wanted to buy me a house to change my mind. I told him it was too late I was way past anything changing  my mind. Then I left him standing there.

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Kat54

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2019, 03:44:47 PM »
Its such a hard road to get to the point of saying you want a divorce. And its true, you don't need to list all the reasons, you are unhappy and that's enough.

I used to think it was my fault, and in the end part of it was as I had completely checked out of our marriage.  Never felt good enough at anything I did, which he saw as my problem, and yes it is to a degree, but being a better wife was the up hill battle I could never win with him. He only blamed me, never took one ounce of responsibility. That meant he would have to take a hard look at himself...a narcissist can't.  So since he said it was my problem, I got rid of the problem.

I took him out to dinner in a public place, that way he wouldn't go nuts in public. But it took almost 3 years to get there, everyone has their own timeline. Like the others said, slowly prep for the day. Copy documents, save money. You will get there.


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Scythe

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2019, 08:29:12 PM »
I think due to the nature of the disorders which led us to this forum in the first place, they will never accept any explanation we give them. I've tried to present my ex with thousands of variations of "it's all me," or here are the things I did and you did that contributed (shared responsibility), or my issues just don't work with your issues, and I don't know how many other stories I tried to tell. But he still doesn't understand why.

It's probably part of why JADE and gray rock and medium chill are talked about so often here. PDs will not hear or understand any explanation we come up with (possibly with the exception of NPDs, who might accept the story that it was 100% our fault and 0% theirs). One time, after I expressed my frustration about my ex never understanding me, my therapist asked, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"

I need to let go of my desire to explain myself. I do not need validation from my ex. We just want closure so badly, to have the satisfaction of them understanding us and agreeing with us. But even if our views of the relationship are totally off and wrong, that's still the reality we're living in, and we're still 50% of that relationship, and we're absolutely justified and allowed to end that relationship. Reverse the situation: if I were with someone who ended things out of nowhere because they thought the relationship was one way but I saw it completely differently, yeah, that might hurt for a second, but we were apparently in two different relationships, so yeah, I wouldn't want them to stay.

In the end, you'll know when it's time. You may not know what to say, but that's okay. You just have to know how you feel. (In my opinion, the drug use is all the reason you need. Pretty straightforward justification, at least for any outside third parties who ask why)

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2019, 11:43:06 AM »
Thanks everyone. This is definitely a struggle for me. I have put together a list of things that need to get done and I have set my time line for next summer. For the moment I feel like I am doing something. I realize that I have been coping with this situation in a bad way and it not healthy. I just donít want to go back to giving up and being depressed feeling like there is nothing I can do.

Thanks for all of your stories. I can see how difficult this is for everyone. I canít say itís made me a better person. I feel like Iíve lost myself and I have distanced myself from people. At this point any semblance of a relationship is gone and Iím pushing forward with self care and my own ambitions. Itís difficult because I know that Iím having to put in a face at home and I canít be true to what I want to do. Iíve been looking at houses I can afford and Iím actually surprised that my bills will actually be lower without him even after half of the assets are gone. So thatís something positive! 

Again, thanks for listening, I have spent a great deal of time on the forum reading and learning over the years. Yea itís taken me a very long time to learn!  Itís the stories that make me see things most clearly and let me know Iím not alone.

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ICantThinkOfAName

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2019, 11:46:11 AM »
D Dan. The candle thing!  My first ex did that exact same thing!  One time the TV was on while we were having relations and he accused me of watching the good looking man in TV. I hadnít noticed, and had to profusely apologize for not looking at another man. I thought I had this N thing beaten when I married the next one. Silly me, they come in several varieties! 

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blunk

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2019, 12:07:59 PM »
When my uPDstbx forced me to fess up about wanting a divorce, he asked "why". I told him the truth, that he is abusive to me and the kids.

He didn't accept this answer and told me that I was crazy and wanted a divorce because I was cheating and wanted more money from him.

Just bringing the word abuse was a huge trigger for my x. He freaked out when he saw my copy of "Why does he do that"?" stating that he was neither angry nor controlling.  :stars: At one point he actually said, it's just some words, it's not like I beat you.

And of course, I didn't want the divorce because he raged, controlled, didn't work, drank heavily and took drugs, left me to do all of the chores, violated my privacy, etc., etc. etc....no no, it was because I had a secret boyfriend that I was going to run off with and marry and (I never wanted children) have tons of kids with.

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Arkhangelsk

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #11 on: September 12, 2019, 04:40:35 PM »
Ahhhhh D. Dan.  That all sounds so familiar.

On the other side, life is grand, by the way.  I live and raise my kids with a superlative human being who lights me up with constant reliability and love.

I could never be here now if I had not clawed my way out.  I could not have even imagined it was possible.

But here is the thing - if you free yourself from the muck, a few years from now you might:
 - Have a home where you find respite and peace;
- Feel free to pursue hobbies and friendships;
- Use your mental space on your own self-actualization;
- Have space for a romance that is mutually beneficial.

This might be beyond your ability to imagine right now.  It was for me.  But it is AMAZING. 

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cant turn back

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2019, 03:12:25 AM »
EVERYTHING Scythe said, 100%.

For me, there was no silver bullet, no cheating, drug use, overt abuse, it was all very covert and convoluted.. 30 years of me trying, and failing, to fill up his bucket, trying to make him ďokĒ, trying to be good enough for both of us.  Eggshells.  It would have been so much easier if he had cheated.  But, I got there anyway.  How I feel IS ENOUGH.  Living a life of integrity is worth it. 

It is so hard to let go and walk away without closure or mutual understanding.  Itís almost as if they do it on purpose, because they know us and they know we will keep fighting for it... until we donít.  Giving up the fight and walking away knowing they will never really understand is the HARDEST thing ever, also the most freeing, life affirming thing ever.

How you feel, what you want... those things are ENOUGH whether or not you have ďevidenceĒ.  But, yes, it will be hard.

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Doggo

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2019, 09:50:51 AM »
EVERYTHING Scythe said, 100%.

For me, there was no silver bullet, no cheating, drug use, overt abuse, it was all very covert and convoluted.. 30 years of me trying, and failing, to fill up his bucket, trying to make him ďokĒ, trying to be good enough for both of us.  Eggshells.  It would have been so much easier if he had cheated.  But, I got there anyway.  How I feel IS ENOUGH.  Living a life of integrity is worth it. 

It is so hard to let go and walk away without closure or mutual understanding.  Itís almost as if they do it on purpose, because they know us and they know we will keep fighting for it... until we donít.  Giving up the fight and walking away knowing they will never really understand is the HARDEST thing ever, also the most freeing, life affirming thing ever.

How you feel, what you want... those things are ENOUGH whether or not you have ďevidenceĒ.  But, yes, it will be hard.

Thank you. So much.

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Spygirl

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Re: How do you tell them why you want a divorce?
« Reply #14 on: September 13, 2019, 11:51:10 PM »
Omgosh!

All so true!

I am still waiting for "the goverment" to come interview me about my ex.
 I was told before and after the marriage that i would be interviewed, and needed to keep his behavior private, because he would lose his job!
Translation;
If im fired, no money for you........ :aaauuugh:

Im still waiting...........

Kinda want to fake that the CIA came to see me after i move far away..........and email my ex about it