My sister is in the FOG still.

[newlife33]

I had not seen my biological sister in almost two years since I went NC.  I ended up seeing her about a month ago at a cousins birthday and I think the shock of that encounter is just wearing off now and I can look at it rationally.

It felt so sad and bizarre to see her, it was like looking into the past and seeing myself when I was still living at home.  I saw the mask of hypervigilance, the obvious shock and trauma, the lack of emotions and ability to make conversation and so many other things. 

It hit me for a loop in a number of ways.  First, it made me so sad because my biological sister is beautiful and very smart and talented, but because of our parents she is a disaster and has never had a boyfriend even though she is in her 30's.  The only thing that really is holding her back is my father and his abuse, but she cannot escape it.  And I have tried to tell her, but we all know how that goes.

Second, in a way it made me happy.  I made the choice to get out, I made the move to cut them all off 3 years ago and I have a really fantastic life building for myself.  Even though my past maybe dark, my future and present are bright and filled with blooming success.  It sucks that she is not here to share it with me but what can I do?  I have grieved our relationship and moved on.

And finally it made me realize that I am a father in a way to myself.  I am 36 and I feel like I have a child, but I don't...What I realized is that I have always been raising myself.  I was both the child and the sibling and the parent.  I had to give myself everything because they could not, and worse they tried to steal emotions from me.  Now that I have all this clarity I am hoping that I can move on and make my own family, and continue to sever the ties that bound me back when I had no power.  I hope my sister makes the same realizations, I'll be there if she does, but I will not stick around to find out.

[Penny Lane]

 

Sounds like this encounter stirred up a lot of feelings. It's almost like you got a window into an alternate universe - what it would've been like for you if you'd stayed in the FOG.

I think you have a very healthy attitude about all this, hard as it is.

[newlife33]

That's a good way to put it, an alternative universe.  I use to think that we are all humans and all believe the same thing.  Now that I am older I can see that their are different realities and cultures, and that many people are born into them and never get the chance to leave.  Being able to escape and change mine has been insane but not really tangible, I don't think I fully understood the change until I saw my sister.  Only then did it sink in where I have been and where I am now.