Watching my hubby suffering

[Spirit in the sky]

This year has been so emotional draining and enlightening. I've been doing a lot of inner child healing to help myself deal with my dysfunctional parents and I'm pleased to say I'm making progress.

This year also brought up a lot of trauma for my husband and his narcissist mother. He had been in the fog up until Christmas of last year when a incident with his stepfather was like a nuclear bomb going off, the fall out was immense.

Because I have been going through a lot of issues with my own parents I recognise the pain my hubby is suffering. He's gone nc with his mother and I've only realised why, he can't deal with his feelings. He can't deal with the years of emotional abuse, which she stepped up last year he refused to resume contact with his daughter. His daughter has an undp and he couldn't cope with her behaviour, the last time he was in contact with her he had a nervous breakdown and I think he's afraid it will happen again.

NMIL asked him last year to try again with his daughter and he said no. She has actually treated her granddaughter very badly and using her to emotionally control  my husband. She also tried to turn her against her mother and step brother, it was out and out abuse and we advised his daughter to stay clear of NMIL.

Anyway when my hubby said no, his mother said she was ashamed of him and rejected him by refusing to speak to him or see him. If there was contact she was cold and resentful and you knew she was punishing him for not doing as he was told. She never actually said it was because of his daughter but she always made cruel nasty remarks about him and generally damaged his self setter which wasn't great to start with.

So I know he's doing nc because he feels rejected and hurt and he did try to confront her earlier this year and explain how he felt but she wouldn't listen and kept telling him to grow up, wide up and even to **** ** repeatedly. Since then she has been writing letters at first they said she loved and missed him. Recently they are upcasting the past, saying he's ungrateful after everything she does for me and he's cruel and heartless and he must stop this behaviour right now.

He ignores them but I know they hurt him, I know the years old emotional abuse have taken their toil on his nervous system. He's on anti depressants and I try to talk to him about his feelings but he's burying them. He's says he's ok but I know he's not, I know what this suffering feels like and it's soul destroying.

I also see his mother as a very damaged women, she suffered abandonment by bother parents and she's very clear mentally unstable. She cries when I see her and says her heart is breaking and she can't bare the pain and I do feel sorry for her, I hate to see anyone upset. But also know she emotionally abused me for years, tried to control and manipulate me into getting me to make my husband 'see sense' and 'does as he's told'.

I see her damage and the damage she's caused her family and my hubby has always been the scapegoat. I see him suffering and I see he's healing emotionally on one level but I recognise the buried pain. As someone who has always tried to help others, at times I want to find a way to fix this. I think maybe if he spoke to his mother they could recognise each other's pain and then I realise all I would be doing is trying to 'save' them and they need to save themselves.

I'm lucky I have found a way to accept and let go of my childhood trauma. I've forgiven my parents and I'm detached myself from their suffering. I've grieved for the lost little girl I was and I'm able to see why people hurt other people. It's rarely about the victim, they are just the unfortunate ones caught up in someone else's toxic behaviour.

Understanding I can't even begin to 'fix' years of generation wounds is something I need to keep reminding myself. I couldn't fix it in my family so I have no chance of doing it with my husband's. I know he has to find a way to deal with his own trauma but it's so difficult to watch.

[notrightinthehead]

As much as you might want to, I agree with you, you cannot fix that for him. I think you show him your love and respect by treating him like a capable adult and letting him handle the situation with his mother as he thinks right. You are there for him and you support him emotionally while respecting his way of dealing with it the best way he can.

[Spirit in the sky]

That's so true notrightinghehead,

If I try and fix it for him, I'm as bad as his mother for interfering and treating like a child. He is a capable adult and as I know suffering is all part of life, but we can learn from it and hopefully with my love and support he can come to terms with the situation and find peace.

As much as you might want to, I agree with you, you cannot fix that for him. I think you show him your love and respect by treating him like a capable adult and letting him handle the situation with his mother as he thinks right. You are there for him and you support him emotionally while respecting his way of dealing with it the best way he can.

[Spirit in the sky]

I've been writing a lot about my relationship with my own dysfunctional parents and realise now the difference between how my husband is dealing with his mother my journey.

He's hasn't forgiven his mother, so he can't move forward.

It took me a very long time to forigive both my mother and father but I realise that's when you know you can move on. The anger and resentment just eats away at you, until one day you finally realise it was never about you. It's always about them and their issues, they are NEVER going to accepting responsibility for the way they treated you.

It's only when you see your own worth and love yourself you can finally let go. I can see this happening with my husband, he's healing and I have to respect his journey is different to mine.