trying to figure it out

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losingmyself

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trying to figure it out
« on: September 11, 2019, 05:14:37 PM »
My analytical mind just wants to understand what's happening in my undBPDH. It's either that, or I'll be crushed. I started my treatments last Friday, my sister came and sat with me. We really had a nice day. Then DD was over for the weekend, we painted most of her room. They helped after I broke down and asked for help, crying. I just couldn't believe that they could both just sit there, and let me work! He tried to just blame her, but I said "you just sat there, too!"  Anyway, usual jealous comments, we went for a niece's birthday party, and he felt he had to scold me in front of everybody for not paying attention to FIL while he was talking. He doesn't realize how bad he makes himself look when he does this...
Since, it has been "You want a divorce..." And just general meanness toward me.
Is he feeling what?? Scared? Worried and this is how he deals with it??
I hate to complain, but I don't feel all that great. You know, cancer treatments. Just that little thing.
Then he'll pet me on the head, and ask me how I'm doing.
I'm trying not to fall apart...
Maybe he's worried about the time I spent alone with my sister, and what I told her. And, she'll be back on Friday.

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eyesopen

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Re: trying to figure it out
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2019, 08:15:42 PM »
First off, some things will just never make sense.  Trying to understand another person's behavior can be an endless rabbit hole.  That said, here's my take on things...

When you started painting the room, did you say anything to DD or H to indicate that their help would be welcome?  Of course, the kind thing to do would be for them to volunteer to help when they see you working.  But if you didn't talk to them prior to starting, they may have thought of it as your project that you wanted to handle on your own.  If that were the case, it makes sense that they'd sit and let you work.  To avoid ever reaching the point of breaking down crying, being assertive about your intentions from the start would help ("I'd like to paint the room today.  Could you help so we can get it done more quickly?").

His scolding at the party about not paying attention to FIL: just plain rude.  Sounds like he wants to control your behavior when others are around to make himself look better to his family.  Who knows whether they see the behavior for what it really is.

The "you want a divorce" comments and general meanness: I think he's trying lay all the blame for the failed relationship on you.  He obviously doesn't want to change or put any work into repairing things between the two of you, if he did then he wouldn't be mean.  His behavior indicates that he's doesn't care about you enough to remain married, but he'd look bad for divorcing you when you have cancer.  Wouldn't want to tarnish his self image when he can blame you and play the victim.

The petting you on the head and asking how it's going may just be his way to try and assuage any guilt for not actually caring about your cancer treatment.  If you were healthy, he'd probably be far worse.

Sorry that none of this is "it's all in your head, he's actually a good guy."  It's got to hurt to be treated so badly, but you'll be better off by seeing him for who he really is.

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StayWithMe

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Re: trying to figure it out
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2019, 08:34:59 PM »
Quote
he felt he had to scold me in front of everybody for not paying attention to FIL while he was talking.

What was he expecting you to do?

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clara

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Re: trying to figure it out
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2019, 02:11:26 PM »
A uNPD friend once told me he didn't know what he'd do if his SO ever got sick, because he "wouldn't be able to deal with it," i.e., wouldn't know how to react to all the attention his SO would get, because as a NPD he needed all the focus on him.  This confession came after his SO was involved in a minor auto accident, and was a rare moment of truth because I was already aware of his constant need for attention and how extremely jealous he would get when he wasn't the center of attention.  So, I think that's a lot of what's going on, losingmyself.  Your h is acting out in rather typical PD fashion (I know that's little comfort, but it's what they do and how they are).

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losingmyself

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Re: trying to figure it out
« Reply #4 on: September 12, 2019, 02:37:02 PM »
Thanks everybody. I know there's no answer to what is going on in his head. It's just so nice to get it off my chest.
eyesopen, I had tried to recruit them to help, and they would do what I asked, then leave. I know that what I should have done was , I guess, keep giving jobs. I think I was just so hurt that I had to keep asking.  I think the scolding is an alpha male thing.  Funny thing, FIL was sitting next to him, telling him something, and H's head just turned away, and he started watching the tv. FIL just threw up his hands.  So, they see it. I guess I should have yelled,"hey! Your dad's talking to you!! Don't you think it's kind of rude to watch tv?"  But, that's not what normal people do.
I also wonder if he really does want a divorce, but like you said, it can't be his idea. And, yeah, pat me on the head every once in a while..see? He cares....
clara, I agree, it is so hard for him not to be the center of attention. He's been obsessing over creamation and how and where we will be buried when we die.  I think it's an attention ploy.   And, you know what? For some reason, you saying it's typical does help. I don't know why... maybe because if it's typical, I can get someone to understand, like you all. Helps me know I'm not crazy, or stupid, or any of those other things..
staywithme, I guess I was just supposed to be embarrassed. He does it a lot in front of his family. Doesn't even phase me anymore. He's just trying to teach me how I should behave in public..his words. You know, because I as a 53 year old woman don't know.
Sigh.....................thanks for letting me vent

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losingmyself

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Re: trying to figure it out
« Reply #5 on: September 13, 2019, 07:27:51 PM »
I had to get this out while it's fresh..
Just got done with treatments, I'm ok.   My sister was there again, we had another good day together. I got out a little more of H's behavior, it felt good.
H came for lunchtime, in a big huff about how things weren't going well at work and everyone was pissing him off so bad. He just sat and scowled, thinking about work. Boots covered in mud. And complained about work until it was time for him to go back to work. My sister had gone to have lunch in the cafeteria, so he could really pout.
When he got back to work, he text and said he didn't pick up anything to eat, so no food as of yet today.
AND I SAW IT.. I SAW IT IN MYSELF. 
This codependency, my first thought was that I should make him a nice supper because he had a bad day, and what can I do for him that would make him feel happy? Maybe stop and pick up a movie..
He can't regulate his feelings, and I have stepped into the role of placating him and making things better.   It was my FIRST reaction, what can I do for him?? It's like I stepped outside of myself and said "oh, my gosh!" Look at what you're doing!
Wow.
I need to take care of myself

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notrightinthehead

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Re: trying to figure it out
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2019, 07:09:02 AM »
Yes! It's quite an eye opener when we realize how much we contribute to the situation we are in! Instead of letting others take care of their own feelings we jump in and make all better. Only to be disappointed by them not being appreciative of our efforts. Now that you have become aware, you can choose to either jump in or let him deal with his feelings by himself.

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losingmyself

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Re: trying to figure it out
« Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 08:30:23 AM »
Yes, I can only change my behaviors.
You know what his "bad day was?" I mean besides having to work out in the mud, I gotta give him that, that must suck. But a kid moved a garbage can. That's what set him off..
I stopped at the grocery store and bought deli chicken and picked up a couple movies. Something that on the way home occurred to me that I could have asked him to do. Next time.
When I got home, he was sitting on the deck, looking like I took too long. I had to go to the bank also. Not one word.
I tried to say a thing or two for about a minute,  then said "well, I got chicken" and went in.
Funny how his mood lightens when I don't play along. Yesterday he didn't feel well and slept for the whole afternoon. 
No argument here!!

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losingmyself

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Re: trying to figure it out
« Reply #8 on: Yesterday at 08:37:49 AM »
And one more thing. At breakfast yesterday while he was telling his family that he painted the entire exterior of the house by himself and the trim didnt even get painted, which is a complete lie, he said "then when I get done you're going to pack up my stuff and kick me out" without a pause, I said "Maybe you want a divorce,  you're the one who keeps bringing it up"
That was unexpected and he shut up.
I like his comeback when I argue that he had help, and the trim did get painted. "You live in your world, and I'll live in the truth."    Ok, will that also be in a different state? :wave:

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PeanutButter

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Re: trying to figure it out
« Reply #9 on: Yesterday at 05:59:08 PM »
H came for lunchtime, in a big huff about how things weren't going well at work and everyone was pissing him off so bad. He just sat and scowled, thinking about work. Boots covered in mud. And complained about work until it was time for him to go back to work. My sister had gone to have lunch in the cafeteria, so he could really pout.
When he got back to work, he text and said he didn't pick up anything to eat, so no food as of yet today.
AND I SAW IT.. I SAW IT IN MYSELF. 
This codependency, my first thought was that I should make him a nice supper because he had a bad day, and what can I do for him that would make him feel happy? Maybe stop and pick up a movie..
He can't regulate his feelings, and I have stepped into the role of placating him and making things better.   It was my FIRST reaction, what can I do for him?? It's like I stepped outside of myself and said "oh, my gosh!" Look at what you're doing!
Wow.
I need to take care of myself
Hi losingmyself. Im so sorry about your health crisis. I cant imagine how you are just going on with each day through these treatments that really take a toll on you!
 I hope for your healing of body AND spirit soon!
 Realizations like you are having about your H's behaviors and your responses are IME what it took for me to start protecting myself when I was with unpdxh.
 You can do this! You deserve self care. You deserve to have your needs met.
 I always concentrated solely on caring for my unpdxh, but he did not reciprocate, I did not recieving any care from him.  He did not ever give me what  I needed. No matter how long I spent treating him the way I wanted to be treated, it did not 'fix' him. He was not capable of doing what I was expecting of him.