They traveled states to leave a note on the door...

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FindingPeace4

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They traveled states to leave a note on the door...
« on: September 13, 2019, 08:18:27 PM »
Well, I've been absent from posting, but not from reading, living the dream in a new state for 4 plus years now and then what  i thought was unthinkable happened ... my uPBD mother in law and father in law left a note on my door that said "We know where you live". How do I know it was them? It was caught on camera by my neighbors! We don't know what to do next. Should we contact police? The ONLY reason we moved out of the state was because of her harassing!! I'm sick to my stomach and I have two young children here as well! Who does this? It's sick! I hope I am making sense. I just don't know if contacting police will make things worse? Is it better to have it on paper? Any advice?
"Sometimes the right thing is also the hardest..."

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Leonor

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Re: They traveled states to leave a note on the door...
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2019, 10:09:50 PM »
Are there any legal aid services in your area that specialize in domestic matters? If you're not sure about contacting the police right away, you can at least find out what protections are available to you, such as restraining orders or trespassing laws. How terrible. I'm sorry.

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FindingPeace4

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Re: They traveled states to leave a note on the door...
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2019, 11:18:24 PM »
Thank you for the response. We contacted the police, who advised getting a protective order. My biggest fear is that a protective order could backfire. It could fuel a fire. There has been little to no contact for years now, since we moved out of state. I'm afraid this would be giving her exactly what she wants ... a reaction. She is a professional liar and manipulator and worse off people believe her lies.
"Sometimes the right thing is also the hardest..."

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SerenityCat

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Re: They traveled states to leave a note on the door...
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2019, 12:16:42 AM »
FindingPeace4, I think it is great that you talked with the police.

My vote would be to get the protective order.

If she violates the protection order - that is an extra big deal.

Maybe there is a way to care less about what she wants or does not want - or about whether her fire will be fueled by something or not. You can claim your power by using a protection order to say that you won't take it anymore.

If she acts up, this behavior will be even more obvious. If people believe her even in light of a protection order - they are people for you to walk away from if possible.

You have the right to react to anything she or anyone else does that is abusive. If she gets sick enjoyment of reactions to her bad behavior, oh well, there is not much that can be done about that. You get to say No any way you want to.

You have two young children. You all deserve safety and security. A protection order can help with this.

I had a protection order against an abusive neighbor and it worked well.

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Liz1018

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Re: They traveled states to leave a note on the door...
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2019, 11:19:49 AM »
Oh no! How horrible for you! It is bad enough when they try to invade our virtual space with follows or voicemails (that we have to block), use the post office or delivery services to hound us (which go in the trash)... but THIS is next level. It’s a menacing note- like something out of a horror movie. Either way the note was put there to knock you off balance, while having you descend into fear that they can crash your safe cocoon of stability. We go into fight or flight mode - you already fought and fled. Now they want you to fear - and it becomes fight or freeze.

How did they find you? Do you have a landline phone? It is so terrible that so much of our information can be found online. Thanks, Whitepages.com! 

The in-person confrontation is my worst nightmare. I had a similar experience last summer when my BPD sister showed up at my place of work (several states away, but she comes to the area a couple of times a year for work). Fortunately it was my day off. She then went to my house (I had moved the summer before). So she went down the street and ambushed my elderly FIL. WHO DOES THIS?!  I had been dreading something like this for a few years into NC. I dodged it, moved to a different town with no real way to trace me. Or at least I hope.

First, it is lucky you weren’t there at the time. That doesn’t mean your heart didn’t skip a beat when you found the note. And your video evidence must have been hard to watch. Bravo to your neighbors! Were they aware of your estrangement? If not, how embarrassing that your family would do this.

From what others have said on this forum, save all and any evidence. This really is stalking and beyond the obvious invasion of emotional and physical boundaries (about which you have been clear), now you have the inconvenience of possibly involving the police, lawyers, who knows what else.  They are trying to steal your hard-earned peace.

At one point I considered weighing a protective order. Not sure of the  logistics of what that entails in your state. In mine I knew there might be the possibility of contact between me and my FOO. So I decided to just wait it out. Those in our FOO or PD in-laws who keep pushing even though we have had NC for years, will go to different lengths to contact us. But when it becomes potentially illegal, you find out how far they are willing  to go. I swear I wouldn’t put it past my family to hire a private detective...except they are notoriously cheap!  ;D

In your case, you have a threat in writing. They would be foolish to continue. But these nuts are so full of themselves they can’t fathom they are doing anything wrong, much less illegal.

Do your research and realize you DO have the upper hand. Their objective is to break you. Let them blow themselves up. If you are in a situation where contact isn’t required to get the protective order, that may be your way to win this.

Good luck and be strong. xoxo
« Last Edit: September 14, 2019, 11:46:18 AM by Liz1018 »

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Pepin

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Re: They traveled states to leave a note on the door...
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2019, 01:53:19 PM »
The fact that you went to the police and talked to them is already a start at building a history.  If something else should happen, document it again with the police.  You may not need a protective order yet but it will make more sense and add less fuel to the potential fire if your in laws realize that their actions are being documented by law enforcement. 

I would also consider getting surveillance outside AND inside (common areas only) your home.  This includes the garage inside and outside as well if you have it.  All exterior sides of your home need to have a camera and make sure that at least part of the street by your front door and driveway is covered.  Sensor lights are also a must for night time activity.  When choosing cameras, make sure they are high enough resolution to capture night time activity with clarity.  You can also have an app on your phone and set the surveillance system to send you alerts so you can check when you are not home.  It is amazing what can be done with customization.  Make sure you can save recorded segments of video and take pictures of video clips if needed as well.

I am sorry that you are going through this but in reality, no one can hide anymore, even by moving.  I moved 5 years ago and NF knows where I live...and we have had NC for 11 years.     
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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FindingPeace4

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Re: They traveled states to leave a note on the door...
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2019, 11:02:39 PM »
Thank you all for responding. I donít know where I would have been without the help Iíve received and continue to receive here.  We bought a camera today for our front door and motion lights for the front and back. Itís a start. Luckily we have neighbors close and weíve alerted everyone on the street.

Iím still considering a protection order and learning all I can about what that means in our state. Any advice is still always appreciated. Weíre just weighing our options before we make any rash decisions.

I can't express enough how much I appreciate your responses. It is so helpful. Thank you so much.
"Sometimes the right thing is also the hardest..."

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SerenityCat

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Re: They traveled states to leave a note on the door...
« Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 12:59:24 AM »
It's so good to hear that you have neighbors close by and that you have been able to alert everyone. That plus camera and motion lights goes a long way for your safety planning.

I just want to say that I'm sorry you are going through this, I feel for you. I hope you and family are able to carve out some rest and fun time amidst all of this. Maybe just as important as safety planning is stress reduction planning.  :bighug: I hope that you all are able to get some good sleep and relaxation.

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Thru the Rain

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Re: They traveled states to leave a note on the door...
« Reply #8 on: Yesterday at 02:28:01 AM »
Great steps putting in a security camera, lights, talking to neighbors and police.

I have just one additional suggestion to make.

It sounds like your in-laws dropped off their note while you weren't home. You should have a plan for what happens if you ARE home. Just a couple ideas you may want to discuss in advance:

- Can you see who's at your door without showing that you're home? One of the new doorbells could be helpful.

- What if you're outside when they pull up? Or what if they are on your porch and you pull into your own driveway?

- Would you engage with them or talk in any way? And if so what might you say?

- Is the plan different if your children are present vs adults only?

I don't know the right answers to the above, but definitely worth having a conversation in advance.

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Andeza

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Re: They traveled states to leave a note on the door...
« Reply #9 on: Yesterday at 02:33:57 AM »
So this is a slightly different situation, but I want to throw it out there just as good information to have.

I served in a jury for a domestic issue where it was decided that, yes, the ex boyfriend threatened his ex girlfriend and that was domestic abuse.

The defense attorney attempted to say that no the girlfriend wasn't really scared or feeling threatened because she didn't contact police immediately. She didn't because the first thing she did was get herself and her kids safely out of the house.

That tactic sowed a little doubt, but not enough to stop a guilty verdict.

I'm very glad you contacted the police. If anything ever comes of this, you want the record in your side. Clearly you were worried by this. Clearly you began to explore options for protecting yourself and your family etc.

Some people recommend a cease and desist letter, but if you're in laws are stalking you across multiple states... That's just Norman Bates level scary to me. In your shoes, I'd go with the protection order.

And some razor wire on my fence...
And a moat full of alligators...

Honestly the things you're already doing are great though! You might look into laws about whether you need a no trespassing sign on your property as well... Just a thought.

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all4peace

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Re: They traveled states to leave a note on the door...
« Reply #10 on: Today at 10:53:43 AM »
What a horrible situation, creepy and disturbing. I'm very glad to hear you've contacted the police. I also once did a phone-call report to the police when our home had been broken into while we were on vacation, doors left ajar, key used to enter. I wanted it on the record, and told the police I thought I knew who it was but didn't want an investigation, just a report and case number. (I got guidance first from a police-officer friend). It helped me at the time to know I wasn't alone. I think one of the most terrifying parts of this dynamic is to feel helpless, powerless, and alone, and knowing that the police know, and we know, helps you not be alone.

Your ILs may believe all manner of things about you and their ability to stalk, find and harass you, but what they don't know is You Are Not Alone. :hug: